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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26194102">Heart Of Mine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadto27/pseuds/deadto27'>deadto27</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Heart of Mine [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Author Knows Nothing About Babies or Gardening, Biological Dad Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes Returns, Bucky didn't kill Tony's parents, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Chronic Pain, Dad Steve Rogers, Domestic, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Made Up Science, Mutual Pining, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Pining Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery, Retired Steve Rogers, Slow Burn, Touch-Starved, Unconsciously pining Bucky Barnes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:33:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>133,248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26194102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadto27/pseuds/deadto27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years since Bucky pulled Steve from the river. Three years where Bucky has tried to get back to the person he was, to be better, to be recovered. Three years where his motivation for getting well has been Steve Rogers. To get to see him again. </p><p>But when he finally does, he gets more than he expected. Because he never expected that he’d find Steve with a child. And he really never expected that he’d find Steve with <em>his</em> child.</p><p>-----</p><p>“HYDRA…they were using DNA to try to repeat it,” Steve continues softly. “Your DNA,” he adds, meeting Bucky’s eyes, a solemn look on his face as Bucky suddenly catches on to what Steve’s getting at.</p><p>His eyes widen in shock as Steve increases his grip just slightly on his knee. “The baby…she’s, well…” Steve seems to struggle for words as Bucky’s heart starts beating faster than ever. “She’s yours.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Heart of Mine [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2242341</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1830</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1396</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. but I’m here in your doorway</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So this thing has just been flowing out of me. It's gonna be a long one. As noted in the tags, I know nothing about kids, just like I knew nothing about having a dog when writing Epsi, so why not write a whole fic about it 🤷 Anyway, I hope you enjoy, thank you in advance for reading! 💜</p><p>Written for AO3. Do not repost elsewhere.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky stands staring at the door. It’s dark blue painted wood, varnished so it’s shiny, with coloured glass panels in the top section. The colours vary from blue to purple with some yellow and some red. It swirls so visibility through the glass is poor. But he can still see the shadow as it approaches.</p>
<p>He thought he’d be more nervous. If anything, he’s apprehensive, but also excited. No…not excited. Maybe expectant? A little energised? It’s taken three years to get here, after all. This is what he’s been working for. This is what it has all been about. Or at least his main motivation for getting himself together. To getting back to being Bucky Barnes, or at the very least, a hopefully recognisable version of him.</p>
<p>The shadow stops on the other side of the door.</p>
<p>Bucky takes a slight step back, just giving himself a little more room, so he’s no longer standing on the brown foot-mat in front of the door.</p>
<p>The door swings open suddenly, revealing the face he’s never quite been able to forget, not forever, no matter how hard they tried to make him.</p>
<p>“Bucky?”</p>
<p>His name is said like a prayer. Like a wishful thought carried on an incredulous breath.</p>
<p>Steve’s staring at him in awe. His pure blue eyes are wide with shock, but everything on his face says it’s the good kind of shock. The sort of surprise you get when you open a gift and don’t quite know what’s inside, only to find it’s what you always wanted.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Bucky says softly, meeting Steve’s eyes.</p>
<p>Steve looks stunned. He’s still just staring.</p>
<p>Bucky thinks for a moment and realises, maybe Steve’s worried? Last time they saw each other, Bucky barely knew who he was. He almost killed Steve before leaving him on the banks of a river. Maybe Steve’s worried that he’s still the soldier? Bucky needs to show him he’s not.</p>
<p>“How are you, Steve?” Bucky decides to say, keeping his voice gentle and neutral.</p>
<p>Steve blinks at him. His face seems to go through a thousand emotions and then suddenly the stillness breaks and he lurches forward, throwing his arms round Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky knows if this had been a year ago, or hell, maybe even six months, he would have already reached for a knife and Steve would be making good use of his super healing again. That’s why he waited. Because instead, he was ready for this. He thought of what possibilities there might be and he ran scenarios in his head. Steve wanting to touch him, to see that he’s real…Bucky played this out.</p>
<p>So Bucky holds Steve back, patting against his shoulder blades lightly with his hands. Especially lightly with the metal one.</p>
<p>Steve’s mumbling into his shoulder. Little words spilling out, like “Jesus Christ, Buck,” and “I can’t believe it.” Then he pulls back, like he’s come back to himself and realised launching himself at the Winter Soldier is maybe not the best idea. “I’m sorry, I…” Steve seems at a loss for words.</p>
<p>“It’s alright,” Bucky tells him. “I…I’m me…” He shrugs a little. “I mean, for the most part…” He didn’t expect his words to falter like that, but he’s still feeling Steve’s arms around him. Bucky didn’t put that part in the scenario—he didn’t think about how it would feel to be hugged for the first time in likely over seventy-five years. He wants it again instantly. He thinks he remembers being a tactile person, before.</p>
<p>“You know me?”</p>
<p>Steve’s said that before. Different intonation. Last time it was firm, an attempt to convince. This time, it’s a question, said with longing and disbelief.</p>
<p>“You’re my best friend,” Bucky confirms simply. It all boils down to that. That’s why he’s here.</p>
<p>“I…” Steve’s mouth kinda gapes open. “You remember?”</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs a shoulder. “I…bits and pieces?” It’s hard to know entirely. He remembers, but how can he know if there are things he forgot. He thinks some pieces are jumbled up, but he’s sure he remembers the important things. He notices Steve still looks concerned. It makes him sad, that maybe Steve doesn’t trust him. He wants another hug.</p>
<p>He meets Steve’s eyes again, hoping Steve can still read him like he used to. “I won’t hurt you, Steve, I promise. That…that’s why I stayed away. I wasn’t me. But I’m…” He wants to say better now, but it’s too simplistic and not true. “I’m not the soldier anymore,” he settles on. That one is true. He has those instincts still, of course, and can still take someone out in a second flat if he needs to, but he’s not a shell anymore. He’s not the ghost they made him into.</p>
<p>Steve’s hesitance seems to disappear. Bucky gets his wish of another hug as Steve bundles him into his arms again. “I can’t believe you’re here,” Steve mumbles against him.</p>
<p>Bucky remembers when they used to do this, how he was the taller one, how Steve always felt so delicate in his arms in complete contrast to the firecracker he was inside. Now they’re almost the same height—Steve actually a little taller—and he’s huge. Muscle upon muscle, warm, firm and strong. Bucky gets a pang as he misses the way Steve’s head used to tuck up against his collarbone. But he doesn’t linger on it. Any Steve is better than no Steve.</p>
<p>This new Steve smells sort of floral and has a pale blue buttoned-up shirt on, with grey soft-looking casual pants, and his hair is messy, like he hasn’t combed it today, but still that golden straw colour, that always sort of looked like a halo to Bucky. It makes Bucky want to smile as he looks at it again as Steve pulls back, which is crazy because he doesn’t think he’s smiled in decades.</p>
<p>“H-have you been watching me?” Steve asks, worry marring his face again.</p>
<p>Bucky shakes his head. “I did, for a while, at first. When I was still…working things out,” he settles on, wanting to be honest. He kept track of Captain America back then. Made sure he wouldn’t find him, because back then Captain America was looking for him constantly. “But the past year or so, no,” Bucky confesses. As he came back to himself, it felt wrong—to keep tabs on Steve while Steve had no idea where he was. So he let him go. He stayed away and didn’t look for him. Not until last week when he did some pretty complex digging to find out where he lived now.</p>
<p>Bucky had thought he’d be in Brooklyn, to be honest. It felt like the place Steve would go—the place he’d call home even now. Instead, he found him in a small town outside of Rochester, New York, in this little classic American house, two storeys with a garage round the back, all painted blue with white trim. He’s not sure what to think about it, except maybe Steve knows people here, or maybe SHIELD has a secret headquarters nearby. Either way, Bucky decided to find out directly, instead of gathering intel. Intel is what the soldier would do, not Bucky Barnes. Bucky Barnes will find out from his friend.</p>
<p>“Will you come in?” Steve asks, a strange look on his face that Bucky can’t decipher.</p>
<p>Bucky instantly feels a chill down his spine. He knew this would happen, he just hoped maybe they could spend some time first. He just wants some time with his friend before he’s locked away. He was sure Steve would give him that. It stings to think he was wrong about that.</p>
<p>“I-if that’s what you want me to do,” Bucky manages. “I just thought…will they let you visit me, do you think?” he can’t help asking in a small voice.</p>
<p>Steve furrows his brow, looking confused. “What? Visit you where?”</p>
<p>“Prison, or I guess…I mean, it’ll be a SHIELD facility, won’t it? Unless…” Bucky trails off. He knows they might put him to death for the things he’s done, but he also knows things that they might want to know, so maybe that will keep him alive for a while and maybe in that time Steve can still see him? He hopes so.</p>
<p>“What?” Steve repeats, eyes widening. “Buck, god no,” he rushes the words out. “No one’s taking you away anywhere. I meant do you want to come inside. Into the house,” he clarifies further, looking distraught.</p>
<p>Bucky feels himself relax slightly. “Alright,” he agrees, happy that his assessment of Steve wasn’t wrong after all. “I’d like it if we could spend some time before you call them.”</p>
<p>Steve looks distressed, almost horrified really. He shakes his head and reaches out slowly to grasp Bucky’s right shoulder, staring into his eyes all earnestly. “No, Buck, you don’t understand. No one’s coming for you. Not ever. You’ve been exonerated of all crimes.”</p>
<p>Bucky frowns at him, confused. “What—”</p>
<p>“I took care of it. I made them understand, what you did…” Steve lets out a troubled breath. “It wasn’t you. You had no choice. No one’s going to arrest you, I promise you.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Bucky breathes out. This was definitely not in his potential scenarios. This is…this changes everything. He can’t really process it.</p>
<p>Steve squeezes his shoulder slightly, the touch grounding him. “Please? Come inside.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods, still a little stunned by the revelation that he’s a free man and all that comes along with that, and he follows Steve as he lets go and steps inside, holding the door for Bucky before closing it behind them.</p>
<p>They’re in a small hallway area with what’s likely a closet door just by the front door and a wooden slatted thing that has coats hanging on it, that acts as a divider as the hallway leads right into Steve’s living room. It’s nice, if a little sparse. The floors are all bare, wooden floorboards stripped and varnished, though there’s a cream woven rug in the middle of the room. There are three windows at the front of the house, surrounded by blue striped curtains, with dark wooden blinds across them, and the dining room is adjoining, with its own two windows to the side of the house. Steve’s two couches are blue, his dining table white painted wood. There are a couple of side tables and a coffee table, grey in colour. There are two bookcases—wooden, painted navy—lining the side wall, either side of the fireplace in the living area. It has fake coal and no logs. Electric, Bucky figures. Bucky can see a doorway leading to the kitchen from the dining room, and another closed door that he doesn’t know where it leads, and the staircase, which has a bare wood banister and cream carpeting, is opposite the front door.</p>
<p>“Do you want some water?” Steve offers as Bucky takes it all in.</p>
<p>“Sure,” Bucky agrees easily. He thinks maybe Steve’s worried about him and finds that he thinks that’s sweet. But he’s been doing okay, at least the last few months. He’s lost weight, sure, but he’s in fairly clean clothes and his hair isn’t matted together anymore like it used to be. He tried to look his best for Steve, so he would see that he’d found his way back. That he could be the friend he remembered.</p>
<p>Steve hesitates for a moment like he wants to say something, but then passes by him, heading through the dining room to the kitchen.</p>
<p>Bucky stays put, wandering over to the mantle above the fireplace, which has the only real decorative personal touches in the place. His fingers trail over the copper-edged picture frames, and he’s happy as he recognises the Black Widow and Falcon in one picture with Steve, and another of Sarah Rogers, Steve’s mother. He’s glad he’s remembered them, especially Sarah. He remembers her being a wonderful woman and he was always spending time at their place. Then he moves his gaze to the next picture and suddenly his heart is racing.</p>
<p>Steve’s holding a baby. He’s staring down at a little bundle of cloth, eyes full of love. Bucky doesn’t know how he knows, but he just knows that that’s not the way you stare at someone else’s child.</p>
<p>This is Steve’s child. Steve has a kid.</p>
<p>He hears Steve return, hears his footsteps falter as he obviously sees what Bucky’s looking at.</p>
<p>Bucky turns to him, unsure why his chest feels a little like he swallowed a brick. “Y-you got married?” he asks, trying to keep his tone light and unsure why it wouldn’t be anyway. He forgets for a moment that these days marriage isn’t a general requirement for having a baby.</p>
<p>Steve moves closer and puts the glass of water he was carrying down on the round grey wooden coffee table. “No, I…I forgot that was there,” he sighs, running a hand over his face, looking troubled.</p>
<p>Maybe he’s wrong, maybe it’s not Steve’s after all, Bucky considers.</p>
<p>“I was going to wait. I wanted to talk first, to…” Steve breaks off, looking pained. He meets Bucky’s eyes and Bucky can see the conflict and concern in them, though he doesn’t understand it. “Will you come upstairs with me?” he asks.</p>
<p>Bucky’s confused but agrees. “I…alright?”</p>
<p>Steve lets out a breath and then nods his head, turning towards the stairs.</p>
<p>Bucky follows him up, taking note of how steps four and seven creak a little under his weight. He checks to make sure his boots aren’t leaving dirt on Steve’s clean carpet. He doesn’t want to have ruined it.</p>
<p>Steve leads him down a corridor with more hazardous plush cream carpet, past two white painted doors until he pushes open the third, slightly ajar door.</p>
<p>The room that’s revealed is kind of incredible, Bucky sees as he follows him in. It’s got a mural on the walls—jungle scenes, full of happy looking animals—and Bucky knows instinctively that Steve painted it. But he doesn’t have time to linger on the mural right now. Because there, on the opposite side of the room to the door, is a crib. And Steve’s moving over to it.</p>
<p>Bucky follows unconsciously until he’s peering down at a sleeping child. They have to be maybe eight months old at most, Bucky guesses, as he looks down at the yellow-swaddled lump with a mess of brown hair on top.</p>
<p>“This is James,” Steve says as Bucky stares down, his voice thick with emotion.</p>
<p>Bucky glances over at Steve in surprise. “You named him after me?” He feels like his heart swells three times its size, hearing that, to know that maybe Steve has still thought of him all this time.</p>
<p>“James is a girl actually,” Steve corrects him, with a hint of a smile.</p>
<p>Bucky frowns at that, slightly perplexed. “Really? That a thing now?” He guesses names have moved on since their time. He hums a little and then looks back at the baby, taking in the mobile hanging above her that features stars and moons and glittery rainbows. “So who’s the lucky lady?” he tries to say lightly. He’s not sure why the thought of that stings so much. Maybe it’s knowing that Steve’s had a whole life without him.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Steve replies.</p>
<p>Bucky frowns as he looks back over at Steve. He puzzles over that for a moment. “You adopted her alone?” he hazards a guess. He’s not sure if that’s possible these days, but maybe it is? So many things have changed.</p>
<p>“Bucky, let’s…” Steve gestures to the comfy-looking dark green velvet armchair in the opposite corner of the room.</p>
<p>Bucky’s still too good at following directions and does as he requests, sitting in the chair as Steve pulls up what looks to be a foamy block, also covered in green fabric, that he sits on in front of Bucky. It must have a solid frame as well as the foamy part, because Steve doesn’t sink to the floor.</p>
<p>“Buck, HYDRA—” he starts, and Bucky can’t help but flinch at that name. Steve notices and reaches out to gently grip Bucky’s knee. It’s reassuring for Bucky, and Steve seems to sense that, because he keeps going, voice soft and gentle. “They were experimenting with ways to replicate the serum.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods, trying to keep a clear head. He knows that. That’s what they did to him. He’s their science experiment.</p>
<p>“They…they were using DNA to try to repeat it,” Steve continues softly. “Your DNA,” he adds, meeting Bucky’s eyes, a solemn look on his face as Bucky suddenly catches on to what Steve’s getting at.</p>
<p>His eyes widen in shock as Steve increases his grip just slightly on his knee. “James…she’s, well…” Steve seems to struggle for words as Bucky’s heart starts beating faster than ever. “She’s yours.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are golddust and I would love to hear what you think of the first chapter 😍 I've missed this!</p><p>On tumblr under the same username if you want to follow 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. tying you to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky finds out more about James.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ugh, you guys kill me with how supportive and lovely you are 😵 Thank you for your amazing support for the first chapter. </p><p>This one's another shorter one, but they get longer soon 🙂</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky feels a little like he might pass out, which is something that never happens to him. “I…” is the only noise he can make. It’s like there’s a buzzing in his ears and all he can focus on is Steve’s face.</p><p>“I know it’s a lot to take in,” Steve says, looking to Bucky like he’s waiting for his reaction. Which of course he must be.</p><p>Bucky sits there stunned. “I…I have a kid?” he finally manages, voice choked.</p><p>“Yes,” Steve replies softly.</p><p>Bucky lurches up through no real will of his own, over to the crib in a second, putting his hands on the edge as he looks down at her. Steve’s directly next to him, having burst into action, maybe scared Bucky was about to hurt her. But now he’s just waiting as Bucky looks and looks and looks.</p><p>“S-she has my hair,” he chokes out, in a weird half scared and half amazed way.</p><p>Steve covers Bucky’s hand with his own—a gentle, reassuring touch. “And your nose, I think?” he murmurs.</p><p>“Are...are you sure this is for real? A hundred percent?” Bucky can’t help asking.</p><p>Steve squeezes his hand. “Yeah, Buck. We’re sure.” He goes quiet for a moment. “We found her in a HYDRA facility when she was three weeks old.”</p><p>Bucky sucks in a breath and finally pulls his gaze from the baby to Steve. “You what?” he hisses in horror. The very idea of it makes him feel sick. He remembers enough to remember those places, to know how violent and cruel the people were, how cold and alone he was when he was lucid. He can’t imagine a baby starting their life in a place like that.</p><p>Steve looks just as appalled as he obviously thinks back to that time. “I know,” he murmurs back, gripping Bucky’s hand a little more. “We found files and notes and it seemed like once she was bigger, they planned to train her if it had worked.”</p><p>“Did it?” Bucky can’t help asking.</p><p>“No,” Steve shakes his head, huffing slightly. “James is a perfectly normal baby girl. Nothing strange in her blood-work. We think they kept her hoping something would develop, but nothing has.”</p><p>Bucky feels relief at that. He knows Steve asked for this, volunteered for the serum, but Bucky never did and he would never want it forced on someone the way it was for him. The idea that people would try to do that to a child, or in fact create a child for that sole purpose is vile. He lets out a breath and tries to control his anger, focusing on other things.</p><p>“So you found her and then…took her in?” Bucky can’t really believe that.</p><p>“Yeah, Buck.” Steve gives him a small sad smile. “Once they knew there was a part of you in there…well, I couldn’t just give her up.” He looks down at James, a sweet soft smile on his face for a moment as he looks at her, showing that huge Steve Rogers heart right there on his face. “I knew that if it was the other way round, if you’d found my kid, that you’d have taken care of them in a second, so it was just…I had to do it.” He turns to look at Bucky again, finally moving his hand. “I looked for you for so long, I was still looking, I promise, but—”</p><p>Bucky shakes his head. “I didn’t want to be found.” He doesn’t begrudge Steve that he wasn’t here. He couldn’t have been here, not then, not until he was safe. Suddenly he’s worried he’s not really safe. He felt like he was safe enough for Steve, but for a baby? For <em>his</em> baby?</p><p>“Do you need to sit down again?” Steve offers, clearly taking in the look on his face.</p><p>Bucky shakes his head. “I…I don’t know.” He’s still stunned. He doesn’t know how he feels about anything.</p><p>“I know it’s a lot to put on you,” Steve adds gently.</p><p>“I…I think we should go downstairs,” Bucky decides. Maybe it’s better if he’s away from her. Just in case.</p><p>Steve looks a little concerned as he says that, but he nods. Bucky sees him double check that James is still asleep and then they head out the room, heading back the way they came.</p><p>Bucky sinks onto Steve’s couch that faces the front windows once they get downstairs.</p><p>Steve sits on the same one, but leaves a person-sized gap between them. “I know this is a lot to take in, just when you’ve come back, but you can ask me anything…if there’s anything you want to know?” he offers, expectant and hopeful.</p><p>Bucky’s leaning forward, hands running through his hair as he tries to process. He has a <em>daughter</em>. There’s a baby girl upstairs and it’s his. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to ask.</p><p>They sit in silence for a little while. Apparently too long for Steve’s liking.</p><p>“Why are you back now?” he breaks the silence, asking his own question. “Why did you come to find me?”</p><p>Bucky moves his hands back and glances over at Steve. He turns slightly so he’s facing him a little more. “I…” He’s not sure what reason he can give. “You’re Steve,” he settles on simply. “My best guy,” he adds with a little huff. “I started remembering and then I started trying to get myself together, to be who I was before…”</p><p>“You could have come to me for help,” Steve cuts in gently, hurt in his eyes.</p><p>“I know,” Bucky acknowledges simply, staring at him. “I mean, at some point, I realised that. But I…I just didn’t want to come back the way I was. I wanted to feel…okay. To be safe,” Bucky tries to explain.</p><p>“What do you remember?” Steve continues, apparently unable to stop asking him things now he’s started.</p><p>Bucky sighs a little. “I know the history, timeline. I know we grew up together, we went to war, you got all…” He waves his hand at Steve, and Steve gives him a little bashful smile back. “I know we fought together and I know I fell, I know what H…what they did to me. I remember a lot of it. I remember seeing you again and pulling you from the river and then just…staying gone.” Bucky scratches at his ear. “I just stopped.”</p><p>“And now you feel like you, so you came to find me,” Steve finishes for him, slight disbelief in his voice, but disbelief in an awed kind of way.</p><p>Bucky shrugs a shoulder. “Pretty much.” He huffs an almost laugh. “Wasn’t really thinking beyond just seeing you. Definitely didn’t expect anything like this.”</p><p>Steve looks worried again. “I’m so glad you’re here, Buck,” he says, little frown creases between his eyes that Bucky has the odd urge to try to sweep away with his fingers, but he reins himself in.</p><p>He was so sure he’d be glad too, even with the knowledge that he would be put away for life. But he’s not sure now. He doesn’t know if the best move here would be to just go. To leave Steve be, to leave them both alone. He doesn’t know how to sort through the conflicting emotions running through him.</p><p>“So what do you do when you have missions? Does she have SHIELD babysitters or something?” Bucky asks, instead of dealing with his thoughts.</p><p>Steve looks surprised and then gives him a wry smile. “I don’t do that anymore. Retired.”</p><p>“What?” Bucky can’t mask his shock.</p><p>“The minute I knew I was taking James home was the minute I quit,” Steve explains, a fond look in his eyes, like it’s a good memory for him.</p><p>Steve Rogers, the man who never quits anything, quitting. Bucky finds that almost as unbelievable as the idea of the baby upstairs. “And they just let you go?” Bucky can’t believe that. Not a valuable asset like Steve.</p><p>“SHIELD doesn’t exist anymore, Buck,” Steve explains gently. “I was working for the government, sure, but I wanted out and I got out. With a little help from Natasha,” Steve huffs. “She’s, um, actually James’ godmother.”</p><p>Bucky raises his eyebrows at that. “No kidding?” he murmurs. It’s kinda weird to him that someone he once shot is his daughter’s godmother. Except then he realises, he shot Steve too. And he’s James’ father.</p><p>“Sam’s her godfather,” Steve continues. “Falcon,” he adds to clarify, probably at Bucky’s blank look. “He’s a really good guy. He took on the Captain America mantle, but they come to visit when they can. Spoil her rotten,” he huffs with a little smile.</p><p>Bucky glances around again. “So that’s why you live here now?”</p><p>Steve nods, glancing around too. “Only the last three months or so. It’s a real nice neighbourhood, good schools and all that. Nat helped me find the place.” He shrugs a little. “It’s quiet, but I’m pretty happy with that if I’m honest.” He sighs slightly. “I know nothing’s ever completely safe, but it feels like it is here.”</p><p>“So it’s just you two here?” Bucky confirms, wanting to know for sure.</p><p>Steve nods. “Yep. Thought maybe I’d get a dog or something when James is older,” he muses. Then suddenly he looks terribly sad, like he’s just realised something. “I didn’t mean…” He lets out a breath and meets Bucky’s eyes. “I completely understand if you want to take her to wherever it is you’re living.” He says it, but it’s like he has to force the words out. “She’s yours, I understand that,” Steve continues, all the while looking like he’s about to vomit up his colon.</p><p>“What?” Bucky frowns, blindsided.</p><p>“I’m her legal guardian, but of course we can sort that out, give you your rights back…” Steve trails off. He looks like the very thought of it is killing him.</p><p>“I’m not taking her from you,” Bucky bursts out in shock. “Are you crazy?”</p><p>Steve looks slightly alarmed by his outburst. “I just thought—”</p><p>“Steve, you’re her dad, god, you’ve been with her for…wait, how old is she?” Bucky asks, frowning.</p><p>“Twenty-six weeks,” Steve fills in.</p><p>Bucky never understands why parents measure babies in weeks instead of months. “Right,” he nods, clocking that at being between six and seven months. “Look, I get what you’re telling me…that she’s mine, genetically, but Christ, Steve, look at me. Do I look like a parent?” he scoffs out.</p><p>“I don’t know, Buck, I don’t think there’s a model for that,” Steve replies, staring right at him.</p><p>Bucky shakes his head and looks down. “Look, if you really didn’t want her, if you’d just done this out of some sense of obligation, I would understand where this is coming from. But god, Steve, look at you. You look like you wanna hurl.”</p><p>Steve huffs at that assessment and a little sad smile appears on his face. “I-I love her, Buck. I really and truly do,” he admits. “More than I even knew I could.”</p><p>Bucky huffs out a breath and rubs his hand over his face, a little exasperated and awed once again by his friend’s huge heart. “Exactly. She’s yours. I’m okay with that. God, if anything I’m grateful for that, that you were there and that you opened that big heart of yours and took care of her. Take care of her,” he amends.</p><p>Steve moves then. He shuffles forward and reaches out to take Bucky’s hand.</p><p>Bucky goes with it, because he likes the warmth of Steve’s hand and really he’s finding he’s powerless around Steve.</p><p>“Buck, what were you gonna do…I mean, your plans, for after you came to see me?” he asks earnestly, like he’s dying to know the answer.</p><p>Bucky lifts his eyebrows. “Well I was pretty sure I’d be heading for life in prison,” he admits. He can’t really comprehend that that’s not happening. He’d prepared himself for that. Prepared himself for worse. He was as ready as he could be for it. Knew he deserved it.</p><p>“But you came anyway?” Steve says, awed once again, the question barely a question.</p><p>Bucky shrugs. “It was time. I figured at least I’d get to see you and then I’d pay for my crimes.”</p><p>Steve’s hand squeezes his hard, his expression turning into something almost heartbroken. “They weren’t your crimes, Buck,” he implores him. “Please try to remember that. It wasn’t you. They brainwashed you.”</p><p>Bucky loves Steve for that. For how resolved he is, how determined and sure of Bucky’s innocence. “Yeah, but I still did it,” Bucky reminds him softly.</p><p>Steve lets out a sad sigh. “Bucky, they…they made you into a weapon. You can’t tell me that if you could have that you wouldn’t have stopped yourself doing those things.”</p><p>“Of course I would have,” Bucky replies, because of course he wouldn’t have killed all the people he killed. When he remembers them…he sometimes thinks he’ll never stop screaming.</p><p>“Nothing you did was your fault,” Steve adds firmly. “None of it.”</p><p>Bucky sits with that, trying to let it settle into him. Trying to let himself believe what Steve is so set on.</p><p>“So we’ve established that you’re not going to prison,” Steve continues after a few moments, finally letting go of Bucky’s now sweaty hand. “So can I make a request?”</p><p>Bucky looks over at him again, feeling a little exhausted after everything he’s just learnt. “What’s that?”</p><p>“Stay,” Steve says simply. “Stay here with me and James. Please.”</p><p>The longing in his voice is almost overwhelming. “Steve…” Bucky starts, exhaling his name.</p><p>“No, Bucky, c’mon, please,” Steve interrupts, stubborn as ever. “Haven’t we been apart long enough? Won’t you just come home?”</p><p>Bucky hesitates. He should say no, he knows he should. But the word won’t come out his mouth. Not with the way Steve said <em>home</em>. “You really want that?”</p><p>Steve’s eyes light up a little. “More than anything. God, I’ve missed you so much.”</p><p>Bucky’s fighting an internal battle. But at the end of the day, he’s not the soldier anymore and Bucky Barnes has always let his heart win over his head. “Okay,” he agrees softly. “I-I’ll stay. For a little while,” he adds.</p><p>Steve doesn’t seem perturbed by the little addition at the end. He’s too busy getting those massive arms around Bucky again. “Thank you, Buck,” Steve breathes into his neck, pure relief in his voice.</p><p>Bucky lets himself melt into the embrace. He can’t hold himself back anymore. Not when it feels so much like home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed! 😊 I forgot to say last time, anyone with baby experience, feel free to tell me things they do that I should include for a kid James' age and they might go in 💜 I'm getting all my knowledge from websites right now 😁</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. would you trust me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky and Steve have lunch and then Bucky falls asleep.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So…” Bucky starts, when they’ve finally let go of each other. He thinks he could probably have stayed in Steve’s arms for the rest of the day if he’s honest. He hasn’t felt comfort like that in so long, it almost feels addicting. “What do we do now?” he asks the simplest of questions.</p><p>Steve looks like he’s thinking for a moment. “Well, I guess we could go pick up your things?” he suggests.</p><p>Bucky looks back at him, a little confused. “I…I don’t have things, Steve.” He used to keep notebooks, back when he was remembering things, trying to piece things together, but he was finally able to let go of them a few months back, once he realised he didn’t need them anymore. It felt cathartic to let go of them, knowing that all they contained was in his head now too and that he would never let anyone take those memories from him again.</p><p>Steve’s face changes to concerned instantly. “I mean clothes and things like…” He trails off like he’s just realised that Bucky probably has the clothes on his back and replaces them when required, but doesn’t keep anything. “Well…that saves us a trip then,” he settles on, apparently trying to look on the bright side. He seems to go back into thinking mode. “Are you hungry?” he offers.</p><p>Bucky’s basically been hungry for the last three years, to some extent. It’s not that he hasn’t fed himself, it’s just with the serum, unless he eats a truckload everyday, he never really gets full and while he’s been on his own, if he can’t get food then he just doesn’t eat. “I could eat,” Bucky replies easily. He knocked on Steve’s door at just before twelve noon, so it’s been a good few hours since he last ate.</p><p>“Great!” Steve seems really happy about that, as he’s already standing up. “I have pastrami and bread, I was going to have a sandwich for lunch?” he offers.</p><p>“Sounds good,” Bucky nods, because anything sounds good to him, and then they’re both interrupted by a wail.</p><p>Bucky grimaces at the sudden noise, forcing himself not to put his back up against the wall like his instincts want him to. Then he notices Steve grabbing a little white radio box from the dining table and realises it must pick up sound from James’ room.</p><p>“Sorry, I guess someone else is hungry,” Steve grins as he lowers the volume on the monitor.</p><p>Bucky just watches him as it looks like Steve suddenly seems to realise how weird this is.</p><p>He pauses, face falling. “Um, do you want to go through to the kitchen, I just have to go grab her,” he says. “I mean, if that’s okay? I could feed her upstairs if you like?” he offers, tentatively.</p><p>Bucky shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. I-I’ll see you in the kitchen,” he agrees, trying to keep his voice neutral, even though he’s sure it will be strange. But if he’s staying here for now, he has to get used to it, to the idea of James.</p><p>Steve still looks concerned, like he doesn’t want to let Bucky out of his sight. “I’ll be right down.”</p><p>Bucky nods and heads for the kitchen, feeling a little curious, as Steve heads upstairs. The kitchen is clearly where Steve spends most of his time. It has off-white cupboards and white countertops with little flecks in that sparkle in the light and Steve has a glass fruit bowl containing three apples, two red, one green, near the sink, and a coffee maker over near the stove. There are lots of colourful plastic things in the glass-fronted cupboards above that. There are also two tall white stools so people can sit at the middle island area and a high-chair next to them. Bucky stares at it for a few seconds, still trying to get his head around the fact that the chair is for James. James, his biological daughter.</p><p>Bucky tears his eyes away, looking to the other end of the kitchen. There are double doors out to the garden, which Bucky can see is fairly large, but mostly just grass with one medium-sized tree towards the back. In the corner near the doors, Steve also has a table setup. It’s smaller than the one in the dining room and round instead of rectangular and of everything in the house, this is the only thing that’s messy. It’s got a large sketchbook on top and seven pencils lying nearby. The table also has two regular chairs—white wood, with light green cushions on the seats—and an upholstered bench in the same fabric along the wall. There’s also what seems to be a kid area in the other corner, with a kind of soft crib, whatever those are called, Bucky’s not sure, and a few toys scattered around and other items Bucky doesn’t recognise, but are clearly kid-related.</p><p>Bucky’s not sure what to make of this house. Maybe it’s just because Steve hasn’t lived here that long, but it doesn’t have any of his personality in it, except for James’ room with the mural. It feels sort of lonely. Bucky wonders if Steve <em>is</em> lonely, if he only has a baby for company most days.</p><p>He’s been lonely a lot. It took him a long while to recognise it, to understand what the ache was, but he remained lonely for a long time, too scared that he would hurt Steve if he came back too soon. But he already feels better now he’s here. The lonely ache is already gone.</p><p>Bucky hears Steve’s footsteps on the stairs and he moves to stand near the centre island to wait for him. The doorway is essentially an open rectangle with no actual door, and in a few moments he’s there, holding the baby in his arms.</p><p>Bucky’s breath catches in his throat. She doesn’t just have his hair and maybe his nose. Her eyes are the same colour as his. She’s looking at him with them all big and wide while she chews on a purple plastic ring, seeming to examine him.</p><p>Steve looks just as discombobulated as Bucky feels when he can break his gaze from the baby. “Do you, uh, want to hold her?” Steve offers gently, already holding her out a little.</p><p>Bucky looks back at her and then shakes his head, stepping back a little. He’s not sure what he’s feeling, except shock, and he doesn’t want to get closer. Maybe he should, but he just doesn’t want to.</p><p>“Okay,” Steve replies, voice still gentle and seemingly understanding, hugging the baby close again. “Jaime, this is Bucky,” he murmurs to her.</p><p>“Y-you call her Jaime?” Bucky asks. He has to admit, it’s kind of weird hearing his name when it’s not for him, but then Steve never called him James anyway.</p><p>Steve steps past him so he can sit James into her high-chair, running a caring hand over her hair as he then steps round to the other side of the counter. “Sometimes,” he says, opening the fridge and pulling a few items out. “Sam kind of started it and now sometimes I do it too,” he admits. He must see Bucky gazing at her, because he continues. “Her middle name is Sarah.”</p><p>“After your mother,” Bucky murmurs back.</p><p>Steve’s eyes light up a little. “That’s right.” He seems pleased that Bucky remembers that. He starts working on making sandwiches as he speaks. “Do you want to sit down?” he offers.</p><p>Bucky licks his lips and then makes himself sit down on the high stool furthest from James. She’s still happily chewing on the plastic ring.</p><p>Steve must see him looking. “She’s started teething,” he comments. “She likes to chew on things a lot lately. Supposed to help with the pain.”</p><p>Bucky doesn’t really have a response to that, so Steve just continues. “She just had her six-month check-up recently and got her shots and she’s developing really well. All normal, or just a little advanced.”</p><p>Bucky snaps his head up in panic.</p><p>“Normal advanced,” Steve holds up his hand, trying to reassure Bucky. “Just because she’s such a smart girl,” he almost coos, a sweet smile on his face as he looks at James. Bucky’s never seen him look like that before. It’s heart-warming and makes Bucky think back and remember things.</p><p>“You were never good with babies before,” he comments.</p><p>Steve chuckles as he cuts through the sandwiches he’s made. “No, I wasn’t.” He meets Bucky’s eyes. “You always were.”</p><p>Bucky remembers. He knows he had sisters and he knows he used to coo at other people’s babies while Steve always looked uncomfortable. He supposes it’s just another role reversal for them, just like the way Steve’s looking after him now when it always used to be him looking out for Steve.</p><p>“Here you go,” Steve breaks him from his thoughts as he passes a plate loaded with a hefty sandwich over.</p><p>“Thank you,” Bucky murmurs, picking it up, suddenly ravenous.</p><p>Instead of starting on his own sandwich, Steve moves over to James and opens a round tupperware box, spooning out some sort of orange goo. James drops her plastic ring onto the tray in front of her with a clatter, apparently eager for her food.</p><p>Steve chuckles, apparently seeing the distaste on Bucky’s face. “It’s mashed up carrot. She really likes it.”</p><p>Bucky can see that. James already has orange goo smeared round her mouth as Steve feeds her little bites, as well as a hilariously pleased look on her face.</p><p>“She’s only just recently started on solids, once a day,” Steve continues.</p><p>Bucky wouldn’t call that mush a solid, but he supposes Steve knows what he’s talking about.</p><p>James flings her hand out, knocking down the plastic ring onto the floor, interrupting Steve as he talks about the other foods she likes.</p><p>Steve gives her a little sigh. “James,” he frowns, but he’s still smiling as he feeds her more. It sort of reminds Bucky of when his mother was tired of his sass and would use his proper name to scold him.</p><p>Bucky shakes those thoughts away as he puts down his sandwich and reaches down to retrieve the ring, placing it back on the tray to be helpful. “Here you go,” he murmurs, before realising that’s the first thing he’s said to her.</p><p>“Ba ba ba ba,” James says, grabbing the ring and banging it on the tray, mushed up orange covering her gums.</p><p>“Um, yeah,” Bucky agrees, at a loss. “Ba ba ba ba,” he repeats as he sits back up straight on the stool.</p><p>Steve’s giving him a deeply fond look when Bucky notices his eyes on him. “That’s pretty much all she says right now,” he explains. “Nat’s trying to get her to say Nat, even though she probably won’t say her first real word until she’s nine months or so.”</p><p>Bucky stares at Steve for a moment as he feeds James another spoonful, making an adorable face at her in the process, opening and closing his mouth a little bit like a fish. “How do you know all this?” he asks, a little in awe.</p><p>Steve flushes a little and shrugs his shoulder. “Books. Lots and lots of books and the internet. And doctor’s appointments. Had to learn a lot fast,” he says with a little wistful smile.</p><p>Bucky looks down and takes another bite of his sandwich, thinking about the Black Widow or who Steve calls Nat. “Will your friends…will they be okay with me being here?” he asks tentatively.</p><p>Steve’s faced looks a little pained when Bucky looks over. “They’ll be fine. I think they’ll be a little concerned, but that’s only because—”</p><p>“Because the last time they saw me I tried to kill them?” Bucky offers. He remembers. He can’t really imagine anyone but Steve forgiving him.</p><p>“Well it sounds bad when you put it like that,” Steve replies, humour in his voice.</p><p>Bucky huffs a little, amazed that Steve can make it sound fine. But he’s grateful that he can. Somehow he knew Steve would make everything okay. Bucky pushes those bad memories away, not wanting to linger on them. He’s gotten pretty good at doing that.</p><p>Steve finally finishes feeding James, reaching into a drawer and coming back with a wipe, which he uses on her mouth to clean her up, James moving her head around like she thinks it’s a game, not making it easy for him. “I actually should call them,” Steve says, looking apologetic. “Just so they know they can stop looking,” he adds, when he clearly sees the worry on Bucky’s face. He doesn’t make a move to pull out a phone though, so Bucky realises he doesn’t mean right that second.</p><p>Bucky finishes his sandwich as Steve grabs his own plate, finally eating his own sandwich as James seems quite content chewing on the ring again. Bucky finds himself just watching her.</p><p>“How about we go and setup your room?” Steve offers and Bucky realises he’s already chomped down his food and he must have been staring for longer than he thought.</p><p>“My room?” Bucky queries, confused, looking away from James.</p><p>“Yeah, well you’ll need somewhere to sleep. This place has three bedrooms, so one’s a guest,” Steve shrugs. He’s already lifting James from her chair, putting a cloth over his shoulder at the same time that he must have retrieved from the same kitchen drawer. “So now it’ll be yours,” he adds with a contented smile.</p><p>Bucky can’t really process that idea. It sounds so simple—having his own room. But he hasn’t had that in decades. It just makes him even happier that he gets to stay with Steve, at least for a while. He gets up too and follows as Steve heads back through the dining and living room and towards the stairs, patting James’ back lightly. Bucky pauses at the bottom, looking at his feet. He decides to take his boots off, bending down to unlace them.</p><p>Steve pauses on the third step and turns his head to see what Bucky’s doing, another fond look on his face, and Bucky realises why. Taking off his boots is somehow showing Steve that he trusts him. That he’s not going to run and that he doesn’t feel the need to be on guard. Bucky didn’t really realise it until just then. He was just thinking of Steve’s nice carpets. But it’s true. He already feels safe here.</p><p>He tucks his boots in next to the corner of the stairs, trying to be neat, and then returns to following Steve as he starts heading up again.</p><p>Steve stops right at the first door in the hallway, opening it carefully before he returns both hands to holding James. “This is it,” he comments as he steps inside.</p><p>“Baaa,” James adds too, wiggling in Steve’s arms as Bucky steps into the room.</p><p>It’s a little bigger than James’ room, neutrally decorated with the same cream carpet and a soft green on the walls. It’s got a double bed, with a dark wooden bedframe, and a dresser that looks like it matches. There are two side tables, but they don’t match—one blue wood with a drawer with a clock on top with glowing numbers, and the other a little stack of tables, in a burnished bronze metal, that all slot over one another. The window is opposite the door and looks over the front of the house onto the street and has plain cream curtains, while the wall opposite the bed seems to have a large cupboard or wardrobe running along the whole length.</p><p>“I keep a lot of James’ things in there, but there’s lots of space for your things,” Steve nods at it. “I mean, when we get you things,” he amends.</p><p>Bucky just nods.</p><p>“Bathroom’s next door and my room’s next to James’,” Steve continues. “Did you want to sleep a little?” he offers, maybe sensing something.</p><p>Bucky thinks about that. It’s not that he’s tired so much as bone-deep exhausted. It’s weird to think that he has a real place to stay now. He’s spent the last few years moving around, staying in abandoned buildings or the occasional motel, never staying long and always on guard, never able to sleep for more than an hour or two at once. But here, Steve will have his back. He’ll be able to relax, to finally rest. He nods at Steve, realising Steve noticed his tiredness before he did. “Yeah, I think I…that would be good.”</p><p>“Okay,” Steve agrees warmly. “You need anything, just yell.” He gives Bucky an encouraging smile. “You’re safe here,” he adds.</p><p>Bucky nods, oddly trusting implicitly that that’s true, as the day finally catches up with him, and it’s only halfway through. But it’s been a lot. Seeing Steve again would have been a lot without the reveal of James. He doesn’t want to process it all now. Right now, the idea of resting sounds better than anything else.</p><p>Bucky sits down on the bed, relishing the softness as he puts his hand on the yellow striped cover, as Steve gives him one more smile, leaving him to it, closing the door softly behind him.</p><p>For the first time in three years, Bucky falls asleep within minutes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for your support so far! 💜 Chapters will be a bit longer from now on, I hope you liked this one though, let me know? ❤️</p><p>Next up, Steve POV 😊</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. it would have been you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve's feelings on Bucky's return and Bucky takes a shower.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve settles James back in her crib after giving her some milk and burping her and then sits down heavily in the armchair in her room, finally allowing himself a minute.</p><p>He drops his head into his hands, allowing himself to not hold it together anymore. He just can’t believe it. He can’t believe after all this time, after how long he’s wished and hoped, that Bucky is finally back with him. And he’s <em>Bucky</em>. He’s more together and himself than Steve ever imagined he might be. When they searched for him, Sam always drilled into him that he might not be the man he remembered and might not ever be. That all they might find would be the soldier HYDRA made him into and nothing else. But Steve could never believe that. Not after seeing the confusion and fear in Bucky’s eyes on that helicarrier. Not after knowing that Bucky saved him that day.</p><p>But he expected it would be a long road back. He knew that and he was prepared to do whatever it took. And he supposes it was. It’s just that Bucky wasn’t with him for that time—he was dealing with it all alone. It makes Steve’s stomach twist to think about that—to imagine him alone and lost, trying to understand who he was, with no one to turn to. But now Bucky’s here and he’s so much of the friend Steve remembers, it feels like a miracle. But he tries to remind himself to not get ahead of himself. Just because Bucky seems okay and even said that was why he’d come back now, Steve knows he isn’t. He sees it in his eyes and the way Bucky hasn’t really smiled. But he’s still a miracle and Steve will do anything it takes to help him and anything to keep him here with him. Bucky’s the only person on the planet who really knows him, who understands him, who ever really could. And Steve loves him as much now as he did back then. He’s never ever stopped.</p><p>Of course, no one knows the real truth. Sam and Nat know he loves Bucky, know that he’s his closest friend and that ever since he saw him again, getting him back has been all he’s thought about. At least until James. But even they don’t know that Steve has always loved Bucky more than that, more than just as his best friend. They don’t understand how Steve’s ached for him these past three years or how devastating his loss was back during the war. How it hollowed Steve out until trying to escape his fate on the Valkyrie just didn’t seem worth it, knowing that he’d be living without Bucky for the rest of his life. But then everything changed and now he’s finally here and Steve has to push those feelings down again. He’s here to be Bucky’s friend and nothing more, just as they always were.</p><p>But there hasn’t been a day when he hasn’t thought of him. At first just for himself, but then when they found James…all Steve’s wanted is to bring her father home to her. He knows how hard that must be for Bucky to get his head around—that he has a child. It took a long time for Steve to process too. So he’s trying hard not to be disappointed that Bucky didn’t want to hold her. He can only hope that when the shock wears off, that Bucky will want to have a relationship with her, because he’s dying to show him what a smart and perfect little baby girl he has, and how Steve knows that’s all from Bucky. He wants Bucky to love her the way he does.</p><p>Steve pushes himself back, sitting up, taking a few breaths, looking over at the clock on the wall. It’s been a grand total of seventeen minutes since he left Bucky to sleep. He knows he should wait and give Bucky space, but he can’t help himself. He stands and moves over to the crib where James is napping again, checks he has the baby monitor with him, and then heads down the hall where he quietly opens Bucky’s door the tiniest amount.</p><p>Either Steve is super stealthy or Bucky is that worn out, because he doesn’t wake. Steve suspects it’s the latter as he takes in the sight of Bucky on the bed. He’s lying on top and has just pulled a flap of cover over him instead of getting in, but he looks peaceful. It actually brings tears to Steve’s eyes to see him this way. So much of their lives have been torn apart by fighting and war and Bucky’s been through so much that Steve can’t even bring himself to think about, so it’s basically like witnessing a miracle, just to see Bucky here, sleeping soundly.</p><p>He lets himself watch him for a few moments, getting lost looking at that perfect face, before forcing himself away, shutting the door carefully and heading downstairs, calling Sam as he goes.</p><p>“Hey, Sam,” he greets him as Sam picks up. He heads for the kitchen so he can clean up after their lunch. He sometimes thinks he spends most of his life cleaning these days.</p><p>“I know, I know, I said I’d have something for ya by today, but there was some jackass with fire powers terrorising Central Park, so I got called in,” Sam starts instantly.</p><p>“You okay?” Steve asks, furrowing his brow in concern, as he puts the dirty dishes into the sink. Even though he knows Sam can handle himself, he still worries.</p><p>“You know me, always am. Little singed…” he says with a little huff.</p><p>“Listen, Sam, I have some news,” Steve starts, unable to really wait.</p><p>“Did my little Jaime have another first?” Sam butts in, tone going soft and adoring.</p><p>Steve can practically hear his smile down the phone. “Um, sort of,” he replies, because he supposes it was. He leans back and grips the counter with his other hand. “She met her father today.”</p><p>There’s silence down the line for a few moments. “She what?” Sam finally says, voice full of disbelief.</p><p>“Bucky, he…he’s here,” Steve confesses. “He just turned up on the doorstep.”</p><p>“Are you both okay, did he try to hurt you, what—”</p><p>“No, Sam, no, we’re fine,” Steve is quick to reassure him. He sighs and leans back on the counter, shutting his eyes for a moment. “He…he’s Bucky. He knows me and he remembers. He said he stayed away because he wanted to be safe before he came back.” He still can’t get past the feeling that hit him when he saw that shadow there on his doorstep only an hour or so ago. He was flooded with hope as he thought it looked like Bucky, then tried to make reality hit and tell himself it obviously wasn’t, but then he opened the door and his whole world changed.</p><p>“And is he?” Sam asks, worry still marring his tone. “Safe?”</p><p>“He is,” Steve replies. “I…I can see it. I wouldn’t have let him near James if I wasn’t sure,” he promises, because he knows that’s what Sam’s really worried about. “You wouldn’t recognise him, he’s nothing like he was three years ago. He’s my friend.”</p><p>Sam lets out a loud breath. “Well, damn.” He pauses for a moment. “Are you okay, how are you doing?” he asks.</p><p>Steve huffs as he rubs a hand over his chin. “I…I don’t know. He’s upstairs sleeping right now and I’m fighting the urge to go and check that he’s still there every two minutes.” He pauses and swallows. “It doesn’t feel real.”</p><p>“I think that’s normal, Steve. It’s got to be a big shock, him just turning up out of the blue.” He lets out a little sigh. “So you told him about James?”</p><p>“I did. I wanted to try and ease into it slowly, but…” He shrugs even though Sam can’t see him.</p><p>“How’d he take it?”</p><p>Steve huffs. “About as well as can be expected I guess. He thanked me for taking care of her and promised he wouldn’t take her away from me,” he confesses. Part of him knew that Bucky wouldn’t, that he’d never do that to him, but the parent he’s become was still terrified. His greatest fear is losing James. “I think it’s still settling in.”</p><p>Sam hums thoughtfully. “So what now?”</p><p>“He agreed to stay, for now,” Steve tells him. He hopes the ‘for now’ part disappears and Bucky stays forever, but he’s not going to focus on that just yet. “Right now my focus is just making sure he’s healthy and feels safe.”</p><p>“Do you want me to come out there?” Sam offers, but Steve knows he already knows the answer.</p><p>“Not just yet, but thanks, Sam. I think Bucky needs time to settle and it’ll be easier if it’s just us.” He’s already thinking of what to do next. He thinks shower is the next item on the agenda when Bucky wakes up. “Will you let Nat know what’s going on?”</p><p>“Will do,” Sam agrees. “She’s on a no contact mission right now but as soon as she’s back. You keep in touch with me though, just so I know everything’s alright.”</p><p>“I will,” Steve promises.</p><p>“I’m glad he’s back, Steve,” Sam replies. “But be careful,” he can’t seem to help adding.</p><p>“I know,” Steve sighs. “Thanks, Sam,” he adds, because he does appreciate the concern. They say their goodbyes and hang up. He slides his phone into his pocket and gives himself a moment to think and then decides the best thing to do right now is focus on the practical. The emotional is a little too overwhelming. So he decides the best thing to do next is to find some clothes for Bucky, in case he does want to shower when he wakes.</p><p>As it turns out, Bucky doesn’t wake up that day.</p><p>Steve potters around the house quietly, plays with James when she wakes up, feeds James her bottle, bathes her and puts her to bed, and makes dinner before saving leftovers, all the while peeking his head in to find Bucky in the same position as he left him. He’d be concerned, but he can see Bucky’s chest rising and falling evenly and he figures Bucky probably hasn’t slept somewhere he feels safe in a long time. So as much as he’s dying to talk to him and hear that voice again, Steve leaves him to sleep, understanding that he needs it.</p><p>He eventually retires to bed too, where he leaves his door fully open, in case Bucky needs to find him, and attempts to sleep himself, but really he just lies awake, thinking all night about how his best friend—and the man he’s secretly loved all his life—is finally here, sleeping just a few feet away.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Bucky’s eyes snap open at five fifty-seven in the morning. He knows that’s the time because there’s a clock right in front of his eyes. It only takes him a moment to remember where he is and that the clock is on Steve’s guest bedroom bedside table. The numbers are glowing in the dark, because even though the curtains aren’t shut, the room is still dark as daylight hasn’t appeared yet.</p><p>Bucky then realises two things. The first being he fell asleep yesterday afternoon and must have slept straight through—an idea that seems impossible to him—and the second being that he woke up because a baby is crying. And that’s a normal part of this new reality he’s found himself in. Because the baby crying is his daughter, James.</p><p>Bucky finds himself curious as he gets off the bed, stretching his real arm out and letting the plates in the metal one recalibrate. He remembers the one knife he has on him and in a quick decision, takes it out and puts it in the drawer of the bedside table. He doesn’t want to be carrying weapons on him anymore. He managed to bring just the one even though habit told him to bring more. But it doesn’t feel right to have it on him in Steve’s house. Moreover, he trusts that he doesn’t need it. He closes the drawer and then he heads quietly out the room and down the corridor, carefully pushing open the slightly ajar door to James’ room.</p><p>Steve’s head snaps up to find him there. “Oh god, sorry did we wake you?” he says, visibly cringing while James keeps wailing, as Steve lifts her out her crib. He’s in pyjama pants, red checked, and a rumpled white t-shirt, looking like he just woke up too.</p><p>Bucky shakes his head. “No, I…” He cuts off, also cringing a little at the loudness of the screeching James is making. How can something so small be so loud?</p><p>“Sorry, she needs her diaper changed, that’s why she’s crying,” Steve explains as he carries her over to a table that’s got all things diaper on it, from what Bucky can tell.</p><p>“I’ll just…” Bucky gestures behind himself, already retreating.</p><p>“Okay,” Steve says, sounding concerned, but also like a stressed parent as James continues to cry. “I’ll come find you in a minute,” Bucky hears him say as he heads away.</p><p>Bucky finds himself heading downstairs. His feet lead him to the kitchen where he unlocks the back door and heads out into the backyard, wanting some air.</p><p>The morning dew on the grass soaks into his socks as he steps onto it, but Bucky finds he doesn’t mind. He feels like his feet had been cooped up in those boots for an age. Last night was the first night he slept without them on in literally years. He takes a little breath at the thought of that and then leans down to remove his holey socks and basks in the feeling of cold, wet grass beneath his tired feet.</p><p>It’s quiet out here. Steve does have neighbours, but the houses are spaced quite far apart, plus Bucky figures it’s too early for everyone to be awake now anyway. Bucky likes the silence. The places he stayed, they were always noisy, always something to stay alert to. Out here it’s peaceful.</p><p>Until the sound of the back door being flung open breaks the peace, along with Steve calling his name frantically.</p><p>“Bucky?!” Steve says about three times, as though he’s been calling him all through the house, before he finally sees him there as Bucky turns to look at him, instantly on guard.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he asks, eyes darting around, looking for the cause of the distress.</p><p>Steve visibly deflates. “You’re out here,” he exhales.</p><p>Bucky wonders if he’s done something wrong. “I-I’m sorry, is that not okay?”</p><p>Steve shakes his head, stepping forward. “No, of course it’s okay, I just…I just didn’t know where you’d gone,” he says with a small sigh. He scratches a hand through his hair. “Are you hungry, do you want coffee?” he offers.</p><p>“Sure,” Bucky agrees, mainly because he thinks it might calm Steve down further. He heads to follow him inside, stopping at the door as Steve makes his way across the kitchen. Bucky stares down at his feet. He doesn’t want to ruin Steve’s nice tiled floor with his damp feet, which have grass and bits of dirt stuck to them now.</p><p>Steve looks back and notices. “Oh.” He rustles around the kitchen and then heads back over to the door. “Here,” he murmurs as he kneels down and gently touches Bucky’s foot, wiping over it with a kitchen towel and easing Bucky into lifting it and then the other one as he cleans him up.</p><p>As he stands back up, Steve seems to go a little red. “Um, sorry…always stuck in parent mode,” he says with a huff, looking flustered as he turns quickly and heads back to the coffee maker.</p><p>Bucky follows him in now, leaving his wet socks by the door, taking a seat at the counter, because that’s what Steve wanted him to do before. “Sorry I slept so long,” he feels the need to apologise.</p><p>Steve turns his head, giving him a soft smile. “Don’t worry about it. You must have needed it.” He turns on the coffee maker and it makes a whirring sound. “I’m like that too. Can spend days hardly sleeping and then it all catches up with me.”</p><p>He potters around, setting about making something on the stove, passing Bucky his coffee when it’s done, chattering the whole time about the type of coffee, how Bucky used to like his coffee and in comparison, how Steve likes his coffee. “So did you like the room?” he asks when Bucky’s got his hand wrapped round the cup.</p><p>Bucky nods, because he doesn’t really have any feelings about it one way or another in terms of how it looks. The bed was comfy though. “The bed’s comfy,” he relays to Steve.</p><p>That gets him a big smile. “Oh good, I’m glad,” Steve beams. “I got some clothes you can wear if you wanted to have a shower after breakfast,” he offers, continuing before Bucky can answer. “Oh, I’m making oatmeal, that okay? It’s a special one Bruce gave me, lots of protein and things to help keep me full,” he reels off.</p><p>Bucky’s head is starting to spin a little bit. He just nods along as Steve continues to talk a mile a minute.</p><p>“I figured at some point we could go shopping, get you clothes and anything else you want?” he continues. “I was going to take James to the park today, weather’s supposed to be nice, but we could do that another day,” he rabbits on.</p><p>Bucky can’t really take it anymore. “Steve?” he interrupts.</p><p>Steve stills in what he’s doing, almost as though just hearing Bucky say his name is a shock to him. He turns to look at him.</p><p>“Is this okay?” he can’t help asking, because he can’t help feeling that maybe Steve was happy to see him yesterday, but now maybe it’s settled in and he realised he doesn’t want him here after all. Maybe he started to worry about James and if Bucky’s safe enough?</p><p>“Is what okay?” Steve frowns.</p><p>“Me being here,” Bucky explains. He feels deeply sad and he doesn’t want to go, but if Steve wants him to, he will, no questions asked. “I don’t have to stay if you don’t want me—”</p><p>“What?” Steve cuts in, looking horrified. “How can you…?” He pauses, looking deeply troubled. “As far as I’m concerned, this is your home. As long as you want or need it,” he says, eyes full of sadness now.</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky murmurs, looking down at his hands. He lifts his coffee cup, taking a sip, a little confused about Steve’s demeanour.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Steve sighs. “I…I panicked,” he admits, as Bucky looks up at him. He looks apologetic. “When I came to find you and you weren’t in the house, I got scared and I panicked.” He looks away, towards the window. “I just…I only just got you back and I can’t stand the thought of you not being here again,” he says softly.</p><p>Bucky frowns as he puts his cup down. “I said I’d stay,” he reminds Steve.</p><p>“I know,” Steve nods, turning back to the oatmeal and stirring it, but he doesn’t sound very convincing.</p><p>Bucky feels a knot in his stomach, seeing how worried Steve was that he’d gone. “I promise I won’t go without telling you,” he decides to promise, because he doesn’t want Steve to be scared about that.</p><p>Steve glances back at him. “Yeah?” he says, voice a weird mix of hope and sadness.</p><p>Bucky meets his eyes. “I’ve never lied to you before, have I?” Even though he doesn’t remember everything, he’s pretty certain of that.</p><p>Steve’s face softens into a little half smile, like he’s remembering them back then. “No, Buck,” he murmurs. “You haven’t.”</p><p>Steve seems calmer after that. They eat their oatmeal together and Bucky actually feels satisfied after the big bowl he has, which is a nice change for him. It’s still strange, just getting used to the fact that he’s sitting here with Steve, not having to be on guard, not being alone.</p><p>“Did you want that shower?” Steve offers as he puts their bowls in the sink.</p><p>“Um, yeah, that would be nice,” Bucky nods. He hopes it’s not Steve’s way of telling him he stinks. He’s tried his best in the last few months to keep himself clean, when before, just being coherent was enough effort for him.</p><p>Steve nods and heads out, Bucky sliding from his stool and following him back up the stairs.</p><p>They head into the bathroom, where Steve spends a moment scooping out bath toys into a big plastic container, clearing the bath, which has a shower overhead, for Bucky. The walls are yellow, the tiles white, the bath, toilet and sink also all white. The bath is to the left of the door, the toilet directly opposite and the sink on the right, which has a mirrored cabinet above it. There’s a frosted window behind the toilet that faces onto the street the way Bucky’s room does.</p><p>“Those towels are for you,” Steve gestures to a tall wooden cabinet set next to the bath, by the window, where there are two light blue towels on the top shelf. “Shower turns on with that knob,” he adds, gesturing. “I’ll leave some clothes for you in your room?” he offers.</p><p>Bucky nods. “Thanks.”</p><p>Steve gives him a little smile and then heads out, closing the door behind him.</p><p>Bucky starts by relieving himself at the toilet, not realising how much he needed to go until then. Then he undresses, leaving his clothes in a pile in front of the door, locking it at the same time with the little bolt above the door handle.</p><p>Steve’s shower has a folded glass panel so Bucky pulls that carefully to get it straight along the edge of the bath to protect the floor from water. He locates a bottle of shampoo and one for body wash—a liquid instead of the bar soap they grew up with. He settles those on the corner of the bath’s edge so they are in easy reach.</p><p>He steps into the bath, taking note of the little rough sections under his feet that seem to be there so he doesn’t slip. He stands back as far as he can and reaches out to turn the shower knob, flinching as the water shoots into action with a loud noise, his hand getting a shock of cold water.</p><p>He stands back and shuts his eyes, trying to breathe evenly. At first, he couldn’t shower. He’d first tried when he’d finally checked into a motel instead of squatting, and he’d tried to go straight under the water and had a panic attack. Since then, he’s developed a system to try and stay calm, because somehow water, and especially <em>cold</em> water, triggers him back to places he doesn’t want to think about ever again.</p><p>So he takes his time. He lets the noise of the water become familiar again. He opens his eyes and carefully moves one foot so the water hits it. It’s already warm. He takes his time like that, adding a hand under the water, then his arm. He still can’t stand directly under it, but he can get his body wet enough this way.</p><p>He washes his body down with Steve’s body wash, which smells like strawberries. Bucky finds he likes it. He spends a long time getting every inch of himself clean, using his hands to gather water to splash over his chest and back so he doesn’t have to stand under the spray, and then finally he needs to do his hair. He cups his hands together so he can pour the water over his hair instead of standing directly under the shower. Then he works his hair into a foam, enjoying the matching strawberry smell from the shampoo.</p><p>It takes a long time to rinse it all out using his hand method, but eventually his hair feels clean and soap-free.</p><p>There’s a knock on the door as he’s rinsing his body off again using his splash method.</p><p>“Buck?” Steve’s voice calls. “You okay?”</p><p>Bucky frowns to himself. “Yeah?” he calls back, wondering why Steve would be worried.</p><p>“Oh…okay,” Steve replies. “Just you’ve been in there a while. But it’s fine, take as long as you need.”</p><p>Bucky wonders how long a while is. “I’m just finishing up,” he calls back, already reaching to turn off the shower. He hopes he hasn’t annoyed Steve. He probably wants a shower too. The water’s still warm so at least he didn’t use it all up?</p><p>He hurries to shake the water from his body and squeeze out his hair and then wraps the biggest towel Steve left for him round his waist before he hastily unlocks the door and opens it, to find Steve just about to go into his room.</p><p>“Sorry,” Bucky apologises as Steve turns back at the sound. “Did I take a long time?”</p><p>“Oh, um, you were coming up to an hour and a half, so I just thought…” Steve trails off.</p><p>“Oh,” Bucky utters. In motels it never mattered how long he took and he hasn’t cared much what time it is for a long time. He’s never really realised how long he must take in the shower. “Sorry,” he apologises again. “I’ll be much quicker next time,” he promises.</p><p>“It’s fine,” Steve replies, but his gaze has moved to Bucky’s left shoulder, and Bucky realises it’s the first time Steve has seen where his body is fused to the metal arm. A hand comes up to cover Steve’s mouth.</p><p>Bucky just stands there blinking, unsure of what to do as Steve looks at his scars.</p><p>“Buck,” Steve breathes out, voice full of sorrow as he moves his hand.</p><p>“Sorry,” Bucky says instinctively, but that just seems to make Steve sadder.</p><p>“It was my fault,” Steve says, eyes glassy like he’s back there, on that train. “Everything that happened to you…” He meets Bucky’s eyes, imploringly, like he’s subconsciously begging for forgiveness.</p><p>Bucky shakes his head. “It wasn’t.” He’s sure of that. He remembers parts of it, little flashes here and there. He thinks he probably blocked a lot out. “What happened was just shit luck,” he tells Steve, because he knows that’s true. Maybe one second later or earlier and everything would be different. “But I chose to be there, I wanted to be there with you,” Bucky adds, because he does remember that. He wanted to be with his friend, always.</p><p>Steve looks at him in disbelief. “That’s what Peggy said,” he murmurs.</p><p>Bucky frowns at that name. He vaguely remembers her and he doesn’t like her. He can’t seem to remember why, but he knows he doesn’t. “I’m going to get dressed,” he murmurs, glancing towards his new room.</p><p>Steve’s still staring at his shoulder. “Does it hurt?” he asks in a pained voice.</p><p>“No,” Bucky tells him, because that’s what he needs to hear. He heads for his room, not wanting Steve to look anymore.</p><p>Steve doesn’t need to know that it always hurts.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Steve being in love with Bucky since forever is my fave kind of Steve. I hope you liked seeing his thoughts. Thank you so much for your kind and insightful comments, they mean the world to me 🙏❤️</p><p>Up next...shopping! 😂 I told you this was slow.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. that you picked out just for him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky, Steve and James go to the park and go shopping 🤭</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve’s got James dressed and in her playpen in the kitchen where she’s happily rolling around putting her own feet in her mouth, by the time Bucky comes downstairs.</p><p>Steve tries not to audibly gasp, but it’s a struggle, because Bucky takes his breath away.</p><p>When Bucky arrived on his doorstep, he’d been in ripped jeans and a dark grey hooded sweatshirt with a logo so faded you couldn’t read it anymore. The sweatshirt had holes at the elbows, the same way Bucky’s boots had holes at the toes of the left one. He had a fairly full beard and his hair had been dark, a little greasy, and pushed back behind his ears, reaching a little past his shoulders.</p><p>Nothing had ever seemed more beautiful to Steve.</p><p>Until now.</p><p>Now, Bucky’s wearing Steve’s dark blue sweatpants and plain white t-shirt, fuzzy red socks on his feet. He’s shaved, and his hair is chin length and drying in soft waves, light reflecting off it, showing golden honey hues within the chocolate brown.</p><p>“I found your razor and scissors in the bathroom after I got dressed,” Bucky tells him. “I hope that’s okay.”</p><p>“Of course,” Steve manages to sputter out. The hair is remarkably even, considering Bucky cut it himself, but then Steve remembers, Bucky did used to cut his hair for him, back in the day, and was always good at it. “You look great,” he adds, because he can’t help himself.</p><p>Bucky glances towards the playpen. “She doesn’t stand up yet,” he comments.</p><p>Steve looks over at James where she’s moved to lying on her belly, chewing on one of her teething rings instead of her feet. “No, not yet. Probably not until she’s nine or ten months.” He tries to keep his tone light even though he’s thrilled Bucky’s taking even a passing interest in James. “She can roll herself over, which is really good, and she can sit up if you help her,” he adds, smiling towards James. He’s so proud of all the ‘firsts’ she’s accomplished already. His absolute favourite is the first time she laughed. Steve spent the rest of the day pulling faces at her and blowing raspberries on her tummy to get her to do it again and again.</p><p>“Are you going to the park?” Bucky asks, moving his eyes from James to Steve.</p><p>Steve glances out the door. It’s a sunny and bright day and he knows they’ll be spending less time outside soon, as it’s already late September. He wants to, but he also doesn’t want to leave Bucky alone. “It might be nice,” he comments. “Would you come with us?”</p><p>Bucky shrugs. “Sure.”</p><p>Steve hadn’t really expected him to say yes for some reason. “Oh,” he says, a smile coming over his face. “Okay, great!” He stands up and moves over to reach in to lift James. She fusses a little at being moved, but settles into his arms. “I’ll just get James dressed in her outdoor things and I’ll grab you a sweater,” he tells Bucky with a smile, already heading his way.</p><p>Bucky nods and steps back out the way as Steve passes by.</p><p>Steve heads upstairs and gets James changed quickly, choosing one of his favourite outfits for her, before pulling on a blue sweater himself and finding a navy zip-up hooded sweater for Bucky to wear. It’s weird to think that they’re almost the same size now. Steve remembers stealing Bucky’s sweaters to wear at home, because they were so big and warm on him, swamping his small frame. He wonders if Bucky remembers that. He wonders if Bucky remembers how close they were.</p><p>He takes a breath and heads back downstairs, getting James’ stroller out from the laundry room, buckling her in quickly, leaving her for a moment as he goes to find Bucky, who’s still in the kitchen, sitting on the bar stool he seems to favour.</p><p>“Here you go,” Steve offers the sweater out. “Do you want a jacket too or…?”</p><p>Bucky shakes his head. “This is fine, thanks.” He glances at his hand as he pulls the sweater on, zipping it up. “Maybe gloves would be good…?” he suggests as he follows Steve back to the living room where he finds his boots and pulls them on.</p><p>Steve hates that Bucky feels like he has to hide himself, but it’s probably a good idea. HYDRA is as dead and gone as it can ever be, the Avengers working hard to make sure of that, or more accurately, Steve leading an offensive against them that Nat once described as a single-minded vendetta, but Steve knows he’ll never be sure they’re truly gone and he’d rather Bucky was as safe as he can be.</p><p>“Sure, I’ll go grab some,” he tells Bucky, keeping things light. He gestures for Bucky to follow, opening the closet near the front door where he keeps coats and things and locates a fairly thin pair of black gloves. “These okay?” he offers them to Bucky.</p><p>“Yeah,” Bucky takes them and pulls them on carefully. “Thank you.”</p><p>Steve grabs his keys and the baby bag he takes everywhere, pulling a blue cap onto his head, and then heads back to the stroller. “Okay, all ready?”</p><p>Bucky moves over to them, looking into the stroller and then he pauses, furrowing his brow at James. “She…she has bear ears,” he states, looking fascinated. “And little bear paws,” he continues. “She’s dressed like a bear.”</p><p>Steve’s about to defend his outfit choice, because it’s so adorable and dressing James up in stupidly cute outfits is surprisingly one of his favourite things, but then he’s frozen. Because a little smile has made its way onto Bucky’s face and he’s pressing his lips together like he’s trying very hard not to laugh. It’s the first time he’s seen his best friend smile in over seventy-five years and it floors him.</p><p>“S-she has a unicorn one too,” he comments, when he can get his mouth moving again, as Bucky still stares at her.</p><p>Bucky lifts his eyes to Steve, as they widen with barely contained glee in them.</p><p>“And a lion one,” Steve adds, because he wants to keep that little smile there forever.</p><p>Bucky looked deeply amused. “Do you have a matching one?” he comments, raising his eyebrows.</p><p>Steve breaks into a smile, everything suddenly feeling exactly how it used to, so much so that if he doesn’t smile, he thinks he maybe might cry. “No, but I bet I could find one,” he grins, never more thrilled about Bucky making fun of him.</p><p>Bucky looks down at the floor, before glancing back at Steve. “I’m gonna hold you to that. That’s something I kinda wanna see.”</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Bucky spends most of their trip to the park just watching Steve with James. It’s actually adorable, watching how he is with her. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Steve more enamoured with anything—not even Peggy.</p><p>James sits happily in her big navy blue stroller, which is sort of like the tank of strollers from what Bucky can gather, and she chews on her rabbit-shaped soft toy or makes little noises as they walk. Steve sometimes coos at her, in between pointing out parts of the neighbourhood to Bucky. It’s really pretty, with the trees turning golden and red for fall and the little park is big enough that it has a lake in the middle, and when they get there Steve leads them to sit on a bench and points out the ducks to James, making quacking noises which Bucky finds highly amusing.</p><p>“So do you come here a lot?” Bucky asks as he looks at the water rippling. It’s oddly peaceful, even though there are other people milling about that he can’t help but keep a close eye on.</p><p>He feels Steve look over at him. “A couple of times a week,” he tells him. “When she’s a little bigger we can take her to the playground and she’ll be able to go on the swings,” he grins as Bucky meets his gaze.</p><p>Bucky’s never seen someone look so delighted about something that sounds so trivial to him. He also doesn’t miss how Steve says <em>we</em>. Like Bucky’s just part of their lives now. It’s a little overwhelming, but Bucky finds he likes it. It’s more than he could have hoped for or even imagined really. He missed his friend—the only person in the world who knows him and cares about him—but getting to stay with him…it feels like everything he didn’t know he was longing for.</p><p>“Do you want to walk some more?” Steve offers.</p><p>Bucky nods and they get up again, heading along the path that goes along the edge of the lake. Steve goes back to talking to James, pointing out plants to her.</p><p>“You talk to her a lot,” Bucky muses after a little while.</p><p>Steve looks over at him, turning a little red. “Yeah, I guess I do,” he admits. “It’s good for her development to have people talk to her,” he explains. “Plus I guess I’m used to her being my main company so I’m always chattering away at her,” he says, a little sheepishly.</p><p>Bucky thinks that’s kind of sad, that Steve has only had a baby for company. It seems he was right in thinking maybe Steve’s been lonely, like he was. So Bucky can understand just wanting to talk to someone. There were long stretches of time, months and months, when he didn’t say a word to another soul. Now, he’s trying his best to remember that he should talk to Steve, but he knows he falls back into head nods instead of words a little too often still.</p><p>“You can chatter at me now too,” Bucky states.</p><p>A smile lights up Steve’s face, like that’s the best news he’s ever heard. “Yeah, I guess I can.”</p><p>Bucky looks away, feeling a little too seen with all Steve’s attention on him. They keep walking, Steve chatting away, both to James and to Bucky, and Bucky thinks they spend around a half hour there before Steve starts leading them home.</p><p>“I was thinking,” he pipes up as they walk, “maybe we could go shopping, seeing as we’re already all dressed to go out?”</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky shrugs. If that’s what Steve wants to do, then that’s what they’ll do.</p><p>“Great!” Steve replies brightly. “There’s a big store only about fifteen-minutes drive. We can get you some clothes and things and I need a couple of things for James.”</p><p>Bucky just nods along. The idea of buying things for himself seems a little strange after so long just taking whatever he could get, but Steve seems excited and Bucky does like the soft pants he’s wearing that Steve lent him. Maybe he can get more things like them.</p><p>When they arrive back at Steve’s place, Steve pauses for a moment. “I’ve just gotta grab my car keys, can you wait here with James for a second?”</p><p>“I can get them,” Bucky offers instantly. “Where are they?” He’s in no way capable of watching James, even for a minute. He holds his hand out for the door key as Steve looks a little sad almost and offers them to him.</p><p>“In the first drawer as you go into the kitchen,” he explains.</p><p>Bucky nods and heads up the couple of steps, unlocking the front door. He easily locates the keys and is back within a minute, locking the house up carefully again.</p><p>Steve’s waiting near the garage and uses the keys Bucky passes him to open the door. “Here we go,” he says, unlocking the car as Bucky looks at it.</p><p>It’s stupidly big. High up and almost truck-like, with glossy black paint and silver details. “Why do you drive a tank?” he can’t help asking as he looks at it, while Steve lifts James out of her matching tank stroller.</p><p>Steve huffs out a laugh. “That’s what I told Tony. But he insisted. It’s ridiculous, but it’s the safest car out there for James apparently, plus has some special things Tony added.” He opens the back door and starts putting James into a car seat Bucky can see through the gap. James doesn’t seem too impressed and is flailing her limbs about and making annoyed sounds.</p><p>“What special things?” he can’t help asking, as he opens the passenger side door.</p><p>“Um, it’s bulletproof and…oh c’mon Jaime,” Steve mutters as he tries to get the buckles to her chair fastened.</p><p>“Do you get shot at a lot?” Bucky can’t help piping up.</p><p>Steve gives him a wry smile as he finishes with James and starts folding up her stroller. “Tony’s protective even though he likes to pretend he doesn’t care,” he says, getting the chair in the trunk of the car, as Bucky climbs in. “I sort of gave up arguing,” Steve adds as he joins Bucky in the front seat. “He’s got a security system in the house too.”</p><p>Bucky frowns at that and Steve must notice.</p><p>“Not cameras or anything, just some sensors and a bunch of panic buttons that’ll lock down the house and send a signal to the Avengers.” He looks like he’s just realised how weird that is. “I’ll show you where they are when we get home?” he offers, cringing slightly. “Or I could get rid of them?”</p><p>Bucky supposes security is a good thing. He doesn’t like the idea of surveillance but he also forced himself to not look round Steve’s house for bugs, because that’s something the soldier would do, not Bucky, and he’s trying hard to push down those impulses.</p><p>“That’s okay, it’s your home, Steve,” Bucky replies.</p><p>Steve frowns at that. “It’s yours too now,” he reminds him softly.</p><p>Bucky just looks out the window as Steve starts the car.</p><p>The drive to the store is uneventful. Steve witters on a little, telling Bucky about places as they pass them, like the local pre-school that James will go to when she’s older and the small grocery store he uses for everyday items. They pull up at a big out of town store before long, Bucky taking in the large warehouse-like building, as Steve sets about getting James back into her stroller.</p><p>“Hey, Buck, do you wanna grab a cart for us and we’ll meet you there?” Steve asks while Bucky waits, and Bucky looks over and locates them a few rows away and nods, heading over there.</p><p>Steve strolls over with James after a few moments, meeting Bucky at the front of the store with a smile. “Ready?”</p><p>Bucky nods. He wheels in the cart, figuring he’s in charge of that seeing as Steve’s wheeling James.</p><p>Steve leads the way, heading for the men’s clothing section. “So I guess we need a bit of everything,” he muses, as he looks at the rows and rows of clothing. He reaches out to grab something. “How about these?” he offers, holding up a pack of five pairs of different coloured socks to Bucky.</p><p>Bucky glances at them and nods, because if that’s what Steve thinks is best then he’s not going to disagree. Not that he wants to disagree. He doesn’t have any idea what socks are best.</p><p>Steve looks happy enough though and places two packs of them in the cart. Then he looks to the next items and turns a little red in the face. “Um, what kind of underwear style do you think you want?” Steve says, voice a little pinched.</p><p>Bucky furrows his brow and turns to look at the rows of packaged up underwear. “I don’t know.” There seem to be many, many options.</p><p>“Yeah, there’s a lot more choice than there was in our day,” Steve comments, reaching for a pack to inspect it.</p><p>“I guess whatever I’m wearing now?” Bucky comments, trying to be helpful. Steve left him underwear for after his shower—navy blue shorts with a stretch to the fabric so they cling to Bucky’s thighs, but in a comfortable way.</p><p>“Or, er, right,” Steve replies, that bit of red on his face a little redder. He scans the options, putting down the ones he’d picked up. “These are like those,” he says, retrieving a pack that says ‘boxer-briefs’. “Do you have a colour preference?”</p><p>Bucky looks at the ones with that label. There are lots of different ones and he finds himself picking a pack that has five different colours, just like the socks, getting what he hopes is his size.</p><p>When he places it in the cart, Steve reaches out and picks another of the same and places it in too. “You can never have too many,” he comments at Bucky’s look.</p><p>Bucky glances down at the cart, but doesn’t say anything. He also glances at James because she’s awfully quiet and realises she’s fallen asleep in her stroller, little bear paws tucked up near her face. Steve looks down at Bucky’s look and sees her sleeping too and gets a fond little smile on his face.</p><p>They move along, Steve grabbing him a couple of undershirts, which Bucky recognises because he used to wear those, and then they’re in the shirts section, where Steve tells him to pick whatever he wants.</p><p>Bucky glances at a few and then chooses a plain dark red long-sleeved t-shirt, placing that in the cart.</p><p>Steve gives him a warm smile. “You’ll need more than one,” he tells Bucky.</p><p>Bucky looks at what’s already in their cart and feels uncomfortable. He already knew Steve would be paying, because apart from when he used to steal it, Bucky never has money. But this seems like too much.</p><p>“Steve, are you sure you can afford all this?” he forces himself to speak up, feeling troubled.</p><p>Steve’s eyes widen, like he didn’t expect the question. “Oh, yeah, it’s fine, Buck, don’t worry about it. I got paid really well at SHIELD and I’ve got military back pay.” He scratches at his eyebrow, looking awkward. “We’re, uh, kinda set for life,” he admits.</p><p>“Oh,” Bucky utters. He assumes by ‘we’ that Steve means himself and James and he’s happy about that. They grew up so used to having nothing and struggling to get by, so it’s really good to know that Steve’s all set and James will never have to go without the way they did.</p><p>“Plus this store is really fair in their pricing,” Steve adds, like he’s trying to convince Bucky. “So really, grab whatever you want.”</p><p>“Um, alright,” Bucky murmurs, pushing his hair back behind his ear. He feels a little weird about it, but he does his best to do what Steve wants, picking out numerous shirts. It feels like for every one he adds, Steve holds up another to ask his opinion on it and then that ends up in the cart too.</p><p>They do the same for pants too, Steve telling him they can return anything that doesn’t fit so Bucky doesn’t have to try things on now. Steve also gets him soft things to sleep in and slippers for round the house and a few sweaters for when it’s cold and some ‘lounging’ clothes, whatever that means, and then they end up at footwear.</p><p>Bucky feels a little ill as he looks at the mountain of fabric that is their shopping cart, but Steve looks so happy that he tries to focus and lets Steve pick what shoes he thinks are best. He finds him a pair of sneakers, which he does get Bucky to try on, and also a new pair of boots.</p><p>Steve looks super pleased with himself as they make their way out the men’s section, apparently finally done. He leads them to the baby section next and Bucky finds himself a little stunned that there are that many aisles dedicated just to baby things.</p><p>“I just need to grab a couple of things for James,” Steve says, pushing her along, while Bucky lags behind. Some things he picks up quickly, others humming and hawing over them.</p><p>Bucky finds himself looking at baby blankets while Steve does whatever he’s doing. There’s a light yellow one with little brown bears sewn into the fabric and Bucky finds himself reaching out to touch it, finding the fabric soft and warm feeling.</p><p>He’s still touching it when he feels Steve watching him and moves his hand back, glancing over at him.</p><p>“You like that one?” Steve asks, a soft, almost encouraging little smile on his face.</p><p>Bucky shrugs. He does. It matches James’ bear outfit, but he’s not sure why that would matter.</p><p>“Do you want to get it for her?” Steve prods gently.</p><p>“If you want to,” Bucky agrees, because it seems like Steve wants to get it now.</p><p>An almost slight flash of disappointment shows on Steve’s face, but it leaves quickly. “Looks like a good choice to me,” he agrees. “Add it to the cart, will you?” he requests, so Bucky does that, rubbing his fingers over the peachy feeling fabric as he does so.</p><p>“Thanks,” Steve tells him, before they head further down the aisle, picking up a few more things.</p><p>James stays sleeping the whole time as they finally checkout, Bucky balking at the size of the bill, while Steve reassures him again that it’s fine, and she still doesn’t stir on the drive back. Bucky’s starting to think she’s the best baby ever, because even when Steve lifts her once they’re back at his house, she’s <em>still</em> sleeping.</p><p>“I’m just gonna put her down upstairs,” Steve whispers. “Can you bring in the bags please?”</p><p>Bucky nods and Steve passes him the car keys and heads in with James tucked up against his shoulder. The little bear ears on her outfit makes it look a little like Steve’s cuddling a teddy bear to his chest and Bucky finds that extra adorable and finds himself smiling a little as Steve heads to the house.</p><p>Bucky gathers the many bags as well as the stroller and locks the car and then the garage, and brings all the things into the living room, taking off his boots and the sweatshirt Steve gave him, draping that carefully over the arm of the couch.</p><p>Steve plods back down the stairs, a happy, relaxed look on his face. “I am <em>starving</em>. You want something to eat?” he asks, carrying the ever-present white monitor with him.</p><p>Bucky nods. “Yes, please,” he murmurs. He’s starving too, but he didn’t want to bother Steve about it.</p><p>“How about you try on your things and make sure everything fits while I fix us something?” Steve suggests.</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky agrees, happy to do it if that’s what Steve wants.</p><p>Steve heads for the kitchen and Bucky starts unpacking bags. He finds the many shirts first and sets about trying them on.</p><p>Steve has a mirror over by the front door, so Bucky uses that as he tries them on. He’s surprised to see how much better he looks with the new clothes. The home haircut he gave himself also helped, tidying him up a bit, as well as losing the unruly beard. He thinks he even looks a little bit better than okay as he tries on shirt after shirt.</p><p>“Hey, don’t forget to come show me!” Steve calls from the kitchen.</p><p>Bucky pauses. He didn’t realise Steve wanted to see. He leaves on the dark green shirt he’s wearing and heads for the kitchen. “Is it okay?” he asks as Steve turns his head from where he’s just opened a cupboard full of plates.</p><p>Steve gazes at him. “Y-yeah, it’s nice.”</p><p>Bucky’s glad. He likes this one. It has little white buttons at the top, but only a couple, but it means it’s not tight around his neck and it has long sleeves so it would be good for hiding his arm if he went outside to the park again, plus it’s soft. He has two more just like it in different colours as well.</p><p>He heads back to the living room to change, this time heading back to the kitchen for Steve’s verdict each time, but only for different kinds of shirts, not colours, as he figures that he doesn’t need to try on each colour, just each style. There’s only one t-shirt that’s a bit baggy on him, but Steve says they should keep it because it’ll be comfy for round the house or sleeping in.</p><p>Bucky locates the next bag and digs out the underwear and socks. He figures Steve probably doesn’t need to see if his socks fit, but he’s not sure about the underwear. The pair he’s wearing of Steve’s are snug, but he doesn’t know if that’s how they’re supposed to be. So he changes into one of the new pairs, ones that are a deep red. They cling like the borrowed pair did, with a sort of tight pouch area for his dick and balls, which stops them moving around much, and again clinging to his thighs and ass, but in a comfy sort of way. He thinks they seem okay, but supposes he can check with Steve.</p><p>“Is this how these are supposed to fit?” he asks as he steps back over to the kitchen, where Steve’s bending to reach the oven.</p><p>Steve looks up and his eyes seem to widen as he straightens up and then closes the oven door on his fingers. “Ow, shit!” he hisses, jerking his hand back in pain.</p><p>Bucky rushes over to him, full of worry. “You okay?”</p><p>“Shit,” Steve cringes, holding his fingers with his other hand. “Yeah, I’m okay,” he says, still grimacing.</p><p>“You didn’t break anything, did you?” Bucky asks, reaching out to touch Steve’s hand so he can inspect his fingers.</p><p>Steve lets him, letting go of his own hand as Bucky takes the injured one gently, carefully prodding to see if anything’s broken. “No, it’s fine,” Steve murmurs, and Bucky looks up to meet his eyes to see Steve staring intently at him.</p><p>Bucky lets go and steps back. “You should be more careful,” he mumbles. Then he takes a breath. “So these fit okay?” he asks, looking down at himself. “They’re kind of tight, but in a good way?” he muses.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s, uh, how they’re supposed to look,” Steve reassures him, holding his hand again.</p><p>“Okay, good,” Bucky states, pleased they look right. “You sure your hand is alright?”</p><p>Steve nods. “Yeah, don’t worry about me,” he smiles tightly.</p><p>Bucky feels like maybe it still hurts, but maybe Steve doesn’t want to admit that, so he lets it go. “Okay. I’ll go try on the pants.” He wanders back to the living room.</p><p>It takes a little while longer, but once he’s finished his fashion show, Steve looks happy to say the least. He shows Bucky the laundry room, just off from the dining room. It’s a small space, all painted cream, with the same cabinets from the kitchen, but with two big machines for washing and drying clothes. It’s also where Steve keeps all James’ things for travelling, like her stroller, though that’s still in the living room right now. There’s another door at the end, which Steve says is the downstairs toilet.</p><p>Bucky sets to work removing tags, Steve doing the same until there’s some noise on the monitor Steve seems to keep with him at all times and he glances at it, a soft smile coming over his face, and Bucky realises it’s got a little camera screen on it so he can see James and not just hear her. “Looks like someone’s up from their nap.” He puts down the few things for James that he was removing labels from. “I’ll be right back,” he tells Bucky.</p><p>Bucky nods along as Steve leaves, finishing clipping out all the tags and then starts sorting the clothes into lights and darks like Steve said to.</p><p>He glances over when Steve comes back into the room, to see he’s got James in his arms, and she’s babbling happily, though sadly in a plain cream outfit instead of her bear one now. It’s probably too hot for indoors, he figures.</p><p>Steve smiles at the laundry piles Bucky’s made. “Okay, so throw in that lot first and we’ll do the white load after,” he gestures to Bucky, and Bucky dutifully throws them into the machine.</p><p>Steve shows him where the laundry soap goes and tells him which buttons to press, explaining each before the laundry starts. As he does, James reaches out for the bear blanket that’s waiting in its own pile, grabbing a corner and then letting out a shriek.</p><p>Bucky cringes a little at the loudness but then determines it’s a happy shriek, because James is smiling.</p><p>Steve smiles at her, helping to lift the blanket fully, so she can see more of it. “You like that?” he murmurs. “Bucky choose it for you.” He smiles so happily as he says that.</p><p>Bucky feels a little awkward and attempts a small smile. “It’s, um…soft.”</p><p>Steve looks over at him with a sweet smile, just as a beeping starts, startling him. “Oven timer,” he explains. “Pizza’s ready.”</p><p>Bucky’s glad to hear that, because his stomach is close to growling now, so laundry on, they head back to the kitchen. Or they try to. When Steve tries to pry the blanket from James, she starts pulling a face like she’s just eaten something gross.</p><p>“Okay, okay, baby, we’ll take this with us,” Steve soothes her, clearly knowing what that face means. He holds onto the blanket, letting James keep holding it too as they leave the laundry room, Bucky pulling the door closed behind them.</p><p>Steve settles James into her high-chair, tucking the blanket around her lap, and then sets about getting their food, stopping the beeping, and pouring them both out a glass of apple juice as well, which Bucky all but downs.</p><p>Food turns out to be a whole pepperoni pizza each, which Bucky appreciates, burning his tongue a little on the melted cheese because he’s so eager, as Steve settles down to what Bucky’s now figured is his lunchtime routine where he gets more goo out for James, taking bites of his own food in between feeding her.</p><p>When Bucky’s halfway through his pizza, he finally slows down, watching Steve with James as James pokes Steve in the face with her chubby little fingers and he makes an over-exaggerated shocked face at her which makes her giggle. Bucky finds it kind of fascinating, how different Steve is with her. Steve rarely ever let his guard down, always on the offensive with anyone except Bucky himself back in the day, but with James he’s relaxed and smiling and almost goofy. He’s a very different Steve to the one Bucky knew, but still with the same big heart.</p><p>“You’re really good with her,” Bucky pipes up without thinking.</p><p>Steve glances over to him as he feeds James another spoon. “Ah, babies are easy,” he shrugs, a little bashful. “It’s when they get big enough to run or yell at you, that’s when I hear it gets hard,” he jokes.</p><p>It’s then that Bucky realises—eventually James will get bigger. He feels dumb for thinking it, but it hadn’t really occurred to him until then. Steve won’t just have her while she’s a baby. He’s in this for life. He’ll be there for her first steps. He’ll be there when she goes to school for the first time, when she makes her first friends. He’ll be looking after her when she’s a teenager and when she graduates from high school. Steve took on a lifetime commitment and he did it, at least in large part, because of Bucky.</p><p>And Bucky’s given him nothing in return.</p><p>As he gazes at them, he decides to remedy that. From now on, as long as he’s here, he’s going to look after Steve. Steve will look after James and Bucky will take care of him.</p><p>It’s the absolute least he can do.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Your comments are so wonderful, thank you for engaging with this fic and telling me your thoughts! 😊 I hope you liked this weirdly long chapter about shopping 😂</p><p>Next up...we get a bit more emotional 😫</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I remember thinking I had you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Teeth, reading and cooking.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve hates teeth. He absolutely hates them.</p><p>James is screaming bloody murder and he’s done everything he can think of and now he’s certain her distress is the tooth that’s trying to appear. He’d given her a plastic teething ring to chew on, but instead of chewing on it, she’d flung it to the floor.</p><p>“She’s still not stopped?”</p><p>Steve turns to see Bucky in the doorway to James’ nursery as he bounces her in his arms, trying to calm her down. They’d had such a nice afternoon too, once Steve recovered from the near aneurysm Bucky gave him showing off his new underwear. Bucky had helped Steve with the dishes and then taken an impromptu nap on the couch, still catching up on sleep apparently, and Steve had spent time playing with James and okay, also just watching Bucky looking so peaceful because it made him so happy to see it, but then this happened.</p><p>She’d of course woken Bucky, and Steve knew that wasn’t her fault, but he still cringed because he’d been really loving James’ impression of the perfect baby and had been hoping not to scare Bucky off entirely. So he’d rushed her upstairs, telling Bucky to go back to sleep. And that was probably fifteen minutes ago.</p><p>“Sorry,” Steve says instantly. “It’s her teeth, I think. It’s painful for her.” He looks at his baby’s tearstained face and his heart just breaks for her. This is the worst part of parenting, he thinks. Not the lack of sleep—though he’s very lucky he can get by without much—but seeing James in pain and not being able to stop it. There’s nothing for Steve to fight here. It’s just a natural thing that has to run its course and he’s not used to that. He would do anything to make it stop if he could.</p><p>“The ring thing didn’t help?” Bucky glances at it on the floor, reaching down to pick it up.</p><p>Steve shakes his head. “She wasn’t interested.” He strokes James’ head, trying to soothe her as he speaks. “Do you think you could grab me one from the freezer?” he asks, suddenly remembering he threw a few in there the other day.</p><p>“The freezer?” Bucky frowns.</p><p>“The cold helps soothe her gums,” Steve explains over James’ crying.</p><p>Bucky nods, looking determined, and heads off.</p><p>“It’s okay, Jaime, you’re okay,” Steve murmurs to her, holding her close to his chest as he paces around the room. “I know it hurts, but it’ll be okay,” he tries to calm her. He thinks he can try giving her a little baby pain medicine if the cold ring doesn’t help.</p><p>Bucky returns quickly with all of the teething rings that were in the freezer. “I didn’t know which one,” he says, holding them all in his metal hand and looking expectantly at Steve.</p><p>He’s adorable in his confusion. “Any,” Steve says with a grateful sigh. Hopefully James will be happier with a cold one than she was with the other one.</p><p>Bucky passes him a blue one, watching James carefully.</p><p>“Here, baby, this one’s cold, is this better?” Steve offers it to her, keeping a firm hold this time so it doesn’t get thrown to the floor and need washing.</p><p>It takes a few moments of Steve holding it to her lips as she fusses, but then James shoves the ring into her mouth and the cries stop. She’s still snuffling, but thank god, the deafening crying has ceased.</p><p>“Oh thank god,” Steve sighs in relief, both for his ears and for James.</p><p>“She’s all snotty,” Bucky comments, watching them.</p><p>Steve lets out another relieved breath. “You’d get snotty if you cried like that too,” he murmurs, and to his surprise, Bucky barks out a tiny short laugh. It might be the best sound Steve’s ever heard, with maybe the exception of Bucky saying his name yesterday morning. God, how was it only yesterday morning?</p><p>Bucky moves across the room, apparently looking for something, coming back with a small cloth. “Is this for that?” he offers it up.</p><p>“It’ll do the job,” Steve manages to smile, taking it thankfully, grateful for Bucky wanting to help, as he sits in the green chair so he can carefully wipe at James’ face, trying not to annoy her into crying this time.</p><p>Bucky watches them, Steve notices, but then wanders round the room. “The mural’s really good,” he comments, looking at the friendly tiger poking its head out the jungle.</p><p>“Thanks,” Steve replies. He’s really proud of how James’ room turned out. He wanted it to be fun and definitely not standard blue or pink. “I wanted something exciting for her.”</p><p>“You were always drawing,” Bucky murmurs, still looking at the wall.</p><p>“Just doodling,” Steve comments, but inside he’s thrilled that Bucky remembers that. He’s really not sure what Bucky remembers himself and what he doesn’t. He knows he knows their history, but he’s not sure if parts are from finding out about them in a book or something, or if it’s all from remembering himself. He knows he should ask, but Bucky’s only just come home and he doesn’t want to overwhelm him. Any more than finding out he’s a father must have. Steve knows he needs to take this slow.</p><p>Bucky moves to looking at the frame on the wall that contains imprints of James’ tiny hands and feet from a couple of weeks after they found her. He looks at them thoughtfully, but doesn’t say anything and moves along before Steve can say anything about them.</p><p>He starts looking at the little bookshelves Steve put up to keep some kid books on for James. He looks them over and then pulls one out, inspecting it. “You read to her?” Bucky comments.</p><p>Steve nods, happy James is now sucking and chewing, but not snuffling anymore, finally calmed. “Every night. It’s good for her development,” he explains. Plus he just enjoys spending time with her, James staring at the colourful pages entranced or even when she just falls asleep in his arms as he reads.</p><p>Bucky must realise that James’ ‘night’ is not the same as theirs. “Do you want me to read for you?” he offers, glancing over at them.</p><p>Steve’s eyes widen, because of all the things he thought Bucky would say, that wasn’t one of them.</p><p>“That way you don’t have to move,” Bucky explains, nodding his head at Steve and how his hands are occupied. “So she doesn’t cry again.”</p><p>“T-that would be really great, thank you, Buck,” Steve manages, just completely thrilled that Bucky would even offer, and that he’s showing that level of interest.</p><p>Bucky moves over to them and Steve sees he’s selected <em>Tiger Days</em> as his book of choice, probably because he was looking at the tiger on the mural, Steve figures. It’s too advanced for James really, but Steve liked the drawings and he’s bought lots of things for when she’s older already. But he doesn’t want Bucky to feel like he picked the wrong thing and figures it doesn’t matter. Either way, James just likes being read to—something to do with babies just liking the sounds of their parents’ voices.</p><p>Bucky pulls up the green stool so he’s next to them, though not close enough that James can see the pictures properly, but Steve doesn’t want to correct him, so he doesn’t. James will still hear the rhymes and hopefully be soothed to sleep anyway.</p><p>Bucky starts softly, reading carefully and slowly, and Steve realises maybe James isn’t the only one who might be lulled to sleep, because he’s always loved Bucky’s voice. But hearing it again after so long is addicting and Steve also realises he’ll be too enthralled to ever fall asleep when Bucky’s talking.</p><p>“On tiger days, I want to climb. I’m wild and I’m fierce. I pace around and pounce and roar. That’s just what tiger days are for,” Bucky reads. He doesn’t do voices for each animal like Steve would have, but it’s perfect anyway. He reads carefully, like he wants to get every word exactly right.</p><p>James gets progressively more interested as he goes on, her attention moving to him, while Steve stares unashamedly. Bucky’s too focused on the book to notice anyway.</p><p>It’s all going fine until Bucky reaches the turtle page. His voice drops quieter and he speaks more slowly as he reads the words.</p><p>“On turtle days, I’m quiet. On turtle days, I’m shy. I don’t have much I want to say. I’d rather hide my face away.”</p><p>Bucky pauses there for a moment, looking down at the page, as Steve watches him. He clears his throat and turns the page, continuing through the book, getting back into the flow but something feels different as he continues—there’s a sadness in the air—and then he reaches the end page.</p><p>“Who will I be tomorrow?” Bucky reads, voice cracking a little. He pauses, bending his head a little more, hair shielding his face. “How will I feel inside?” he murmurs. “I guess you’ll have to wait and see which animal comes out in me,” he adds in a whisper.</p><p>Steve doesn’t know what to say. The room is quiet as Bucky closes the book and stares at the back cover for a few moments.</p><p>“She’s asleep,” Bucky comments with a slightly movement of his head and Steve turns his head to look at James to see he’s right.</p><p>Bucky gets up quietly, taking the book back to the shelf. “I’ll be downstairs,” he murmurs, passing by Steve to the door without looking over at him, while Steve’s chest caves in.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>When Steve gets downstairs after putting James down in her crib, he can’t help the rush of panic as he sees, once again, that Bucky’s not in the house. He tries to stay calm, because Bucky promised him, and heads to the garden to see if he’s there.</p><p>He is. He’s standing barefoot on the grass again, looking like he’s watching the clouds floating by overhead, as the sky turns darker.</p><p>“Hey, Buck,” Steve says gently, not wanting to startle him, even though Bucky’s probably already heard him coming.</p><p>“You should get more plants,” Bucky responds.</p><p>Steve lets out a surprised huff. “I guess I should,” he replies. The garden is a little bare, mostly just grass that Steve does at least mow, and the tree towards the back. He just never really has time for things like that or the knowledge, to be honest. He steps forward a little, more worried about Bucky than the garden right now. “Buck, are you o—”</p><p>“Can I help with dinner?” Bucky cuts in, turning round.</p><p>Steve wants desperately to push, to ask him if he’s okay, but Bucky’s face is both closed off and at the same time his eyes look a little pleading. He clearly doesn’t want to talk right now and Steve knows he needs to be okay with that. “I would love that,” he says instead, even though he’s still haunted by the lost look that was in Bucky’s eyes upstairs.</p><p>“Can we make that potato stew your ma used to make?” Bucky asks, a faraway look in his eyes now.</p><p>Steve’s heart fills with warmth like it does every time Bucky shows he remembers something about them. And his ma’s potato stew was pure comfort food—warm and hearty and always prepared with so much love. Steve hasn’t been able to bring himself to make it, but with Bucky here, it seems like the right thing to do. “That sounds like a great idea,” he tells Bucky warmly. He’s pretty sure he has all the ingredients or can improvise a little. He still remembers the recipe, plus it was what his ma made when they couldn’t afford much, so it doesn’t have many ingredients anyway. “C’mon,” he says, keeping his tone bright. “Let’s clean off those feet again.”</p><p>Bucky looks down and looks almost sheepish, the mood lightening a little. “Sorry.”</p><p>Steve chuckles as he opens the door, Bucky following behind. “James has projectile vomited on me, dirty feet really don’t bother me.”</p><p>Bucky lets out another of those short, sharp laughs, making Steve almost stumble, his reaction to them so strong. “Really? Yuk.”</p><p>Steve glances back to see Bucky pulling a face and he grins as he grabs a cloth and tosses it over at Bucky for his feet, not wanting to embarrass himself like last time when he wiped them for him. “She’s mostly out of that stage now, thankfully.”</p><p>He looks through his cupboards as Bucky wipes his feet, putting his new cosy slippers back on, and Steve sets the potatoes on the counter. “Okay, you want to peel and chop?” he offers, because as much as he wants to take care of Bucky, he can now see how much Bucky wants to get involved.</p><p>Bucky nods, heading over there, looking determined.</p><p>“Wash up first,” Steve reminds him, and Bucky actually makes a little scowly face, so much like he used to when his own mother would tell him that, that Steve feels like he’s back there for a moment. It knocks the air out of him, but he tries to hide that fact and he chuckles as Bucky goes to wash his hands at the sink, passing him a towel with a grin.</p><p>Bucky gets to work with the peeler as Steve puts on a pot of water and starts gathering the rest of the ingredients. He starts humming as he does so, something he often does without really realising, as he’s so often alone that the silence makes him go a little mad otherwise.</p><p>After a few moments, he realises that Bucky’s started joining in, and he glances over, a little shocked. Bucky’s determinedly peeling potatoes, humming softly, maybe unconsciously.</p><p>Steve can’t help himself. He starts singing the words softly, having realised he’d been humming a song his ma used to sing to him before bed when he was a child.</p><p>“And as you lay your head to sleep, and dream of what’s in store…” Steve sings quietly.</p><p>“Just know that I’ll be waiting here, just right outside your door,” Bucky joins in softly with him, like Steve hoped he would.</p><p>Steve feels like he could cry. Instead he gets to work, grabbing butter and milk, and continues to sing with Bucky, not wanting Bucky to notice how affected he is.</p><p>“The earth could move and the wind could change, but even through it all…I’ll always be right here, my dear, to lift you when you fall…”</p><p>Bucky’s voice is a dream. Steve’s a kid again, eight years old, remembering his ma singing it to them when Bucky would stay over, before they got too big to share a bed. God, he misses those times. Things were simple back then. They didn’t have much, but they had their families and each other and there wasn’t a day when they weren’t together. And Bucky was such a bright spark in his life, so positive and encouraging, and just so innocent back then, before the war. Now there are horrors inside him that Steve knows will never go away and he hates it. Hates what Bucky has gone through. Hates that no matter what Bucky says, that it will always be Steve’s fault that those things happened.</p><p>“So go to sleep and dream of what ever you wish to dream…” Bucky continues, while Steve trails off, lost in memory and pain. He feels Bucky glance over and meets his eyes. “Because know that I’ll always be here,” Bucky sings softly, “Forever, my sweet darling.”</p><p>There’s silence for a moment when Bucky finishes the song for them both, as Steve looks down at the counter, trying to blink back tears.</p><p>“I miss her too,” Bucky states softly, and then his hand is placed gently on top of Steve’s, startling him slightly.</p><p>He looks down at their fingers, how Bucky’s resting his in the gaps between Steve’s. And while Bucky’s misinterpreted the source of his tears, he’s also right. Steve does miss his mother. “It’s been so long,” Steve chokes out. “But it feels like only a few years. But she’s been gone a lifetime.” He can imagine her here with them, happy to have her boys back with her, and imagines her holding James. He wishes so badly that she could have met James.</p><p>Bucky’s hand grips his tighter.</p><p>It’s just a little thing, a little point of touch, but for Steve it’s everything. He’s so, so grateful for the comfort, and so amazed and still in disbelief that it’s Bucky here giving him that comfort.</p><p>“I know what you mean,” Bucky murmurs, a faraway look in his eyes as he stares ahead. “I looked up my family too. I knew they would be gone, but it still hurt.”</p><p>Steve’s heart aches to hear that. He didn’t know if Bucky knew. Didn’t know if he should bring it up. The fact is, they’ve both had the same thing happen to them. To have to return to a world where they’d lost everything and try to start again.</p><p>Except, by some miracle, now they have each other. Because Bucky came back to him.</p><p>“I’m so glad you’re here, Buck,” Steve manages, voice cracking a little. “So, so glad.”</p><p>“I am too,” Bucky replies after a moment. He finally moves his hand, turning fully to look properly at Steve, almost studying him. He lifts his hand, wiping away a stray tear from Steve’s face, and Steve feels his breath hitch and he almost stops breathing.</p><p>“Go melt the butter,” Bucky states, staring into Steve’s eyes, before moving back over to his potatoes.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>They eat their dinner in front of the TV at Steve’s suggestion. Steve finds a nature documentary and puts that on, because he figures that’s a safe bet and Bucky always liked learning about things.</p><p>The stew is delicious, if not exactly like his ma’s, but they did their best and even though they didn’t talk too much after their emotional interlude, it was just peaceful, cooking with Bucky and creating something that holds so many memories for them both. And it felt so nice for him to not be alone like he so often is.</p><p>They’re side by side on the couch now, Bucky with a throw cushion tucked under his arm, between him and Steve, one leg tucked underneath the other as he stares, apparently fascinated at the screen, their bowls discarded on the coffee table. Steve’s at a slight angle that allows him to secretly sneak glances at Bucky, while pretending to watch the TV.</p><p>He just wants to drink him in. It’s like his eyes can’t get enough of him, will never get enough. Especially the way he’s sitting there, still in Steve’s clothes from that morning, all cosy and maybe not entirely relaxed, but at least calm. Like he trusts the house is safe. Like he trusts Steve.</p><p>“We forgot the clothes,” Steve suddenly realises out loud, glancing over his shoulder towards the laundry room door. He’d put them in the dryer earlier, but not taken them out. “We should go hang them up in your room so they don’t get too creased.” He’ll iron if he has to, but he kinda hates it.</p><p>Bucky doesn’t look too bothered by leaving the documentary as he nods and gets to his feet, stretching a little, showing off a sliver of toned stomach that Steve tries and fails to not stare at. “I’ll take these in,” he comments, picking up their bowls, as Steve nods, swallowing.</p><p>He heads for the laundry room, ashamed of himself, and grabs the basket and gets all the fresh, dry clothes into it.</p><p>Bucky meets him back there and they head upstairs together. “James seems quiet,” he comments as they walk.</p><p>“Yeah, she’s pretty good at sleeping usually,” Steve replies as they make their way into Bucky’s room. “At least for the first few hours. She’ll probably wake up a bit later.” James really is pretty good at sleeping, especially the last two months. When Steve thinks about it, he thinks he was blessed with a very good baby, not that he has anything to compare it to.</p><p>Steve puts the basket down on Bucky’s bed and heads for the wardrobe, pulling out hangers and starts hanging up shirts. “Do you want to fold those, they can go on the shelves in here,” he comments, gesturing to Bucky’s new sweaters.</p><p>They get a little routine going, until all Bucky’s new clothes are put away. Steve’s chest swells with happiness as he closes the wardrobe. It feels like Bucky’s really here now. His things are here and that feels like a tangible connection to the house somehow. Like he really, truly lives here now.</p><p>“I think I’m gonna go to bed,” Bucky states, breaking Steve’s happy moment.</p><p>“Oh, okay,” Steve replies, a little surprised and trying not to sound too disappointed. It’s still early, but Bucky’s still catching up on his rest so it’s not fair for Steve to keep him up, as much as he wants to.</p><p>“Thanks for today,” Bucky murmurs, looking over at Steve.</p><p>“You’re welcome, Buck,” Steve replies, touched that Bucky even thought he needed to thank him. “Sleep well,” he smiles softly and then heads out, leaving Bucky to it, even though he’s dying to hug him again. But he doesn’t want to impose on Bucky. Given the option, Steve knows he’d happily cling to Bucky’s side forever, but he has to hold off that impulse. He doesn’t want to be smothering.</p><p>It doesn’t mean that when he’s lying in his own bed later, trying to sleep, that he doesn’t stop thinking about it though and wishes that Bucky was lying there next to him. It doesn’t stop him wondering what that would be like—to sleep next to him after all this time, just like they used to when they were kids. It doesn’t stop his bed feeling even emptier than it usually does.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Have I mentioned how much I love you guys? Your support is amazing and I love getting your comments and talking with you, thank you 😍 Thank you to everyone who sent me their baby knowledge so far btw and a special thanks to Aciremii who kindly spent their time sending me some amazing baby things to know ❤️ </p><p>I hope ya'll liked this chapter. Next up...Bucky takes another shower 🤭</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. when I break it’s in a million pieces</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky takes a shower.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky wakes to the sound of the shower running next door. He checks the clock to find it’s still early, only just before seven. He decides maybe he can head downstairs and try to work Steve’s coffee maker so he has coffee ready when he’s out the shower. That seems in keeping with his take care of Steve plan.</p><p>He drags himself out of bed, taking the time to remake it carefully. He accidently fell asleep in the same clothes he wore all day, so he keeps them on for now. Maybe he’ll have a shower after Steve. He has to get faster at it and that means practicing anyway.</p><p>He’s just heading left out his door when he hears a sad little wail from down the hall. He pauses and then there’s a slightly louder wail. He frowns to himself and heads right instead and then wonders—what does Steve do when he’s showering and there’s no one else here and James starts crying? Does he keep his monitor in the shower and rush out? It seems unfair to Bucky that Steve can’t even take a shower in peace, though he knows that isn’t James’ fault.</p><p>He quietly goes into James’ room, just to check if she’s okay. He heads over to the crib to find her lying on her back with tears on her cheeks, making a sad wailing noise. It’s not like her extreme crying of yesterday, thank god, but something’s got her upset.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he asks her, pointlessly.</p><p>She pouts at him and lets out a wail again, waving her arms in her soft-looking yellow baby sleep clothes. She has the bear blanket Bucky picked wrapped over her.</p><p>“Are you hungry?” he muses. Maybe that’s it. But he’s sure Steve will be out soon to feed her. “You just have to wait a little longer okay?” he tries to reason with her. “Your dad needs to shower so he’s not all stinky around you, right?” he helpfully explains.</p><p>James’ wailing trails off into snuffling noises as he talks and she stares up at him with those wide familiar eyes.</p><p>“I’ve been hungry lots of times too,” Bucky continues softly, leaning on the edge of the wooden crib, because talking seems to be quieting her down. “But you’ll be all full and happy soon enough, so you just have to be patient. You can do that, can’t you?”</p><p>James hiccups at him.</p><p>Bucky decides that means yes. “Here,” he continues, noticing the mobile above her and seeing a switch on the side. He turns it on and the mobile starts turning—stars, moons and rainbows spinning gently as tinny music starts playing softly. Bucky recognises it as <em>Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star</em>.</p><p>James starts watching the objects move, looking wildly fascinated.</p><p>Bucky watches them too, trying not to be quite so fascinated. “There you go, see? We’re just gonna watch it until your dad gets back, okay?”</p><p>James seems to agree with that, making a little “bub ba” noise.</p><p>Bucky’s a little too enthralled with the mobile himself that he doesn’t really take notice of the shower turning off or the bathroom door opening or Steve’s footsteps until he steps into the room. He turns his head in surprise, moving away from the crib to see Steve with a fluffy white towel round his waist, baby monitor in one hand.</p><p>“Sorry,” he says instantly, feeling strangely guilty. “She was making this wailing noise so I thought I’d check if she was okay,” he explains, hoping he hasn’t overstepped.</p><p>Steve just has a gentle smile on his face. He waves the monitor slightly. “I know, I heard.” He gives Bucky a look that’s almost awed. “Thanks for checking in on her.”</p><p>Bucky shrugs as he looks at Steve, taking in all the chest muscles. It’s sort of a head-trip, seeing him like this, even though he knows they were together in the war with him looking like this. But Bucky remembers the skinny guy he grew up with much more vividly, who was all delicate limbs and protruding ribs and pale skin. The pale skin’s still there, with soft freckles on his shoulders, but the ribs are hidden by chiselled abs and pecs.</p><p>“I was going to make coffee,” he tells Steve, mainly so he stops focusing on Steve’s chest.</p><p>“Oh you don’t have to do that,” Steve tells him, looking touched. “I just need to pull on some clothes and then I need to get her bottle anyway, don’t worry about it.”</p><p>Bucky feels weirdly hurt that Steve doesn’t want him to get coffee. He’d wanted to help, but apparently Steve doesn’t need his help. He ducks his head slightly. “Oh, um, okay. Maybe I’ll just have a shower then…if that’s okay?” he double checks.</p><p>“Of course it’s okay,” Steve says instantly. “You can do whatever you want here, Buck, I want this to be your…” He pauses. “I mean, well, for you to feel at home,” he finishes.</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky nods slightly, not meeting his gaze. A drop of water rolls down Steve’s chest, making Bucky feel the sudden need to be somewhere else. “I’ll be quicker though,” he promises. Then he quickly steps round Steve to leave the room.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Steve sighs to himself yet again as he sits in the green chair with James in his arms, feeding her a bottle, having gotten dressed and gone downstairs to fix both the bottle and coffee.</p><p>Bucky’s still in the shower, but it’s only been fifteen minutes so far. Steve tries desperately not to think about the idea of that and instead thinks about Bucky talking to James.</p><p>He’d had the baby monitor with him in the bathroom and had heard Bucky talking to her when he went to check on her and it was desperately sweet but also desperately detached. Bucky called him James’ dad and that had made Steve’s heart clench in his chest, but he wishes so badly that Bucky would want to form that relationship too. As far as he’s concerned, Bucky’s her father too, even if only biologically at this point, but he wishes Bucky would want to be more. But he knows it’s not his place to push. And it’s so early and must still be such a shock, he can’t be upset that Bucky hasn’t tried to bond with her yet. It’s going to take time—he has to keep reminding himself of that.</p><p>He also can’t stop thinking about Bucky telling James about being hungry. He hopes he’s just remembering their past, when they had to scrape to get by. He can’t stand the idea that Bucky meant recently, as he tried to recover on his own. Steve can’t stand thinking about him out there, probably lost and confused as his memories came back and doing it all alone because he was scared he’d hurt someone. But Steve’s never been scared for his own safety. He just wants to be there for Bucky, to try to take the hurt away, to show him that he has someone who will never let him go again.</p><p>There’s a sudden loud crash from the bathroom and Steve thanks his lucky stars that he has such good reflexes, because he somehow manages to not leap out his chair and therefore doesn’t accidently drop James. He still jolts though and James loses her suction on the bottle.</p><p>“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he panic murmurs as he quickly puts the bottle down, putting James carefully in her crib, trying to prop her up a little as fast as he can. “I’ll be right back.”</p><p>He races down the corridor and knocks on the bathroom door. “Bucky? You okay?” He hopes he’s not overreacting, but it sounded like more than someone dropping something. It sounded like someone falling.</p><p>He gets no answer and the panic rises further. “Buck?” he knocks again. He can hear the water still running. “Bucky, if you don’t answer, I’m coming in to check on you,” he warns, giving him two seconds before he does just that.</p><p>The door’s locked when he tries it, but a quick shoulder shove has the flimsy bolt ripped from the wall.</p><p>“Bucky?” he utters as he stumbles in and sees him, and his eyes widen as he rushes the couple of feet to the tub.</p><p>Bucky’s on his side, legs pulled in, head facing the ceiling, and his eyes are staring, unseeing. There are still suds in his hair. One of the panes of the shower screen is smashed, but luckily it’s safety glass and it’s cracked but not splintered.</p><p>“Bucky, are you hurt?” Steve tries, crouching and leaning over the edge of the tub slightly. God, if Steve couldn’t see him breathing, he’d look like he was dead, but he can’t see any injury from here. But Bucky looks like he’s completely detached from his body.</p><p>Steve doesn’t know what to do—if he should touch him or not, or just wait to see if he becomes responsive. But he finds he can’t just wait this out.</p><p>He pushes the folding screen carefully and reaches over and turns off the water. “I’m going to lift you out of here, okay?” He tries to stay detached as he realises he needs to climb into the tub to lift him more easily.</p><p>He gently touches Bucky’s shoulder, just in case his touch causes a reaction, but there’s nothing. He grabs a towel from the shelf next to the bath and then climbs in, laying the towel over Bucky to give him some modesty. Then he carefully gets one arm around his back and the other under his legs, lifting him in a bridal carry, water soaking into his clothes.</p><p>Steve thinks how grateful he is for the serum at that moment, because as heavy as Bucky is, it’s easy to lift him and he’s so glad he can. He imagines himself back when he was small trying to do this and knows he wouldn’t have been able to drag Bucky an inch, let alone lift him. It’s probably the most thankful for the serum he’s ever been right in that moment.</p><p>He steps over the tub edge and carries Bucky next door to his bedroom, keeping Bucky’s head against his shoulder, making sure his metal arm isn’t hanging but resting against his body.</p><p>He sets Bucky down gently on his bed, wrapping the towel more carefully around him, but there’s still nothing. Bucky’s just staring blankly.</p><p>Steve hates to leave him, but does only for a moment to check on James, who seems fine, and to grab the baby monitor just in case before he returns to Bucky.</p><p>He’s still lying there unmoving.</p><p>Steve wishes he knew what to do, but he doesn’t. He’s never been in a situation like this before. So he goes with his instincts. He grabs an extra blanket from the wardrobe and wraps it over Bucky, tucking it in along his body carefully. Then he lies down next to him sideways on and gathers him into his arms, so he’s essentially spooning him, keeping a medium firm pressure against Bucky’s chest with his arms, because he’s sure he heard something about a firm pressure being good and grounding.</p><p>“You’re okay, Buck,” he murmurs against Bucky’s wet hair. “You’re here with me and you’re safe, I promise,” he says gently, over and over, hoping the sound of his voice will help bring Bucky back. He cradles him, more scared than he thinks he’s ever really been, but forces himself to keep his voice calm as he holds him.</p><p>Steve doesn’t know how long it is, but it feels like an eternity, until Bucky suddenly flinches in his arms.</p><p>“S-Steve?” he chokes out, interrupting Steve’s murmurs, voice shuddering.</p><p>Maybe Steve should let go of him, but if anything, he holds him tighter. “It’s okay, you’re safe, I’m here,” he repeats. “You fell in the shower, but you’re okay.”</p><p>A breath and then an almost sob makes its way out of Bucky. “Oh god,” he croaks. His right hand comes up to grip onto Steve’s right arm, nails digging in slightly.</p><p>Steve kisses Bucky’s hair without thinking. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he tries to soothe as Bucky trembles in his arms and Steve can tell he’s crying, but trying to do so quietly.</p><p>It takes a long time for him to stop, tiny noises coming out of him, while Steve holds him tight and Bucky clings on, but Steve would hold him forever if he needed to.</p><p>“I-I’m sorry,” Bucky finally sniffs, breathing evening out.</p><p>“Nothing to be sorry for,” Steve replies instantly. He doesn’t want Bucky to be embarrassed by this. He hates it, but he almost feels like he’s been waiting for something like this—for Bucky to not be so together—and he needs Bucky to know that it’s okay. That he can break down and Steve will be there to help, not judging, but loving him like always.</p><p>Bucky moves a little and Steve reluctantly lets go as Bucky moves his hand. Steve moves back slightly as Bucky turns, pulling himself up to sitting, so Steve does the same next to him.</p><p>Bucky lets the blanket fall to his waist as he pulls his knees up, gripping round them with his hands. He’s pale and haunted looking as his eyes dart around the room.</p><p>Steve wants to reach out to him again so badly but instead mirrors his pose, but with his face angled towards Bucky, while Bucky looks ahead. “Do you remember what happened?” he asks gently.</p><p>Bucky sniffs a little. “I-I was trying to be quicker, because I know I take too long in the shower,” he says slowly. “So I-I tried to put my head under the water to rinse so I’d be faster and I—” He breaks off, breath hitching.</p><p>Steve reaches out to rest his hand on his blanket-covered knee, trying to comfort him. “It’s okay,” he tries to reassure him.</p><p>Bucky looks down and then moves his hand to grasp Steve’s with his right one, squeezing tightly, as Steve shuffles a little closer.</p><p>“I was back there again…at H-HYDRA, and the water over my head, it felt like what they used to do w-when they’d spray me down or when they’d f-freeze me and it felt like ice running down from my head,” Bucky confesses, voice trembling.</p><p>Steve swallows as tears form in his eyes as he takes that in. He feels sick. He feels like he needs to go and destroy anyone who’s ever dared hurt Bucky, or even so much as looked at him. He still can’t believe there are human beings in this world who can treat others so cruelly and just not care. To hear and see and cause someone’s suffering and be unaffected or enjoy it even. As far as he’s concerned those sadistic people don’t deserve to live. But he has to be strong for Bucky and not break down. This isn’t about him. “Buck, I’m so sorry,” he says, voice thick with emotion.</p><p>Bucky lets go of his hand. “I thought I was okay,” he admits, voice breaking. “I tried so hard to be…”</p><p>Steve moves, turning to face Bucky, kneeling at an angle so he can get Bucky to look at him, but Bucky avoids his eyes. “You <em>are</em> okay,” he says firmly. “You’ve been doing so well, Buck. This is just something we need to deal with.”</p><p>“We?” Bucky utters, finally meeting his eyes. He looks scared, like a mouse that’s been cornered by a cat.</p><p>“Yeah, Buck, <em>we</em>,” Steve nods. “I’ll do anything for you, you know that,” he says, coming a little too close to the whole truth of that, but he can’t help it. He needs Bucky to understand that. “You don’t have to be okay all the time when you’re with me.”</p><p>Bucky looks relieved and like some tension leaves him. “You don’t want me to go?”</p><p>Steve frowns, as ice runs down his spine at the very thought of it. “Go? Why would I want that?” Why would Bucky ever think that?</p><p>“I-I could have hurt you. I’m not safe,” Bucky says, tension returning to his eyes.</p><p>“You didn’t do anything to me, you’re not going anywhere,” Steve replies firmly, shocked that Bucky could ever think he’d want him gone. Even if Bucky had hurt him, he wouldn’t want him to go. The only thing that would make him have to even consider it would be if James’ safety were in question. And he would still help Bucky in any way he could even if he couldn’t be in the same house as them.</p><p>Bucky looks grateful now. He moves his right hand to his hair, grimacing as he touches it. “It’s still got shampoo in,” he frowns. He looks back at the soaked pillow behind him and looks upset by that too.</p><p>“Don’t worry about that,” Steve tells him and then thinks for a moment. “I have an idea,” he says, getting up. “Come with me?” he requests.</p><p>Bucky nods, moving the blanket and finding the towel, which he adjusts to wrap round his waist as he stands.</p><p>Steve checks he’s not wobbly as he stands up and then leads him back to the bathroom, grabbing the jug he uses to pour water over James’ hair when he bathes her. Steve gestures to it. “What if you sat with your head back over the tub and I poured the water over?” he offers.</p><p>Bucky’s eyebrows knit together and he shakes his head slightly. “I-I don’t like lying back like that,” he confesses, looking ashamed. “It’s too much like the chair.”</p><p>Oh god, Steve didn’t think of that. He’d gone through every HYDRA facility he could, finally finding that chair and destroying it, swallowing down bile as he thought of what it had been used for, how they’d destroyed his best friend with it. Or tried to. Bucky was too strong for them. They never got to his soul.</p><p>Steve tries to shake those thoughts away, because they’re too hard to think about. It reminds him of finding James in one of those places. Instead he tries to think of another way. “What if you had a bath instead, do you think that would be better?” he offers. “You could use the jug to do the water yourself as you sit up?” he ponders.</p><p>Bucky seems to think about it. “I-I don’t think I’ve had a bath since Brooklyn,” he says, words a realisation.</p><p>Steve smiles softly. “You want to try it?”</p><p>Bucky looks nervous, but determined too. “I…yeah. Yeah, let’s try that.”</p><p>“Okay,” Steve smiles, hopefully encouragingly. He reaches over to put the stopper in the tub and then starts the water running. Then he thinks of something. “How do you feel about bubbles?” he asks.</p><p>“Bubbles?” Bucky repeats, a confused but curious look on his face.</p><p>Steve locates the bubble bath he uses with James and pours a little in, figuring he can drain it again if Bucky says no.</p><p>Bucky peers over as bubbles form in the water and the room starts to smell like lavender. “They’re nice,” he states, watching the water, before he sees the folded screen and the damaged panel and his face falls. “Did I do that?” he says quietly.</p><p>Steve puts the bubble bath away. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad it didn’t splinter and hurt you.” He couldn’t care less about his shower screen.</p><p>Bucky gives him a look then. Steve can’t interpret it fully, but he thinks it’s grateful in some way.</p><p>Steve feels a little awkward as the water gets to a good depth and he turns the faucet off, checking the temperature’s warm but not too hot. “Um, you can say no, but would it be okay if I stayed?” Steve can’t help asking. “Just to make sure you’re okay?”</p><p>Bucky looks down. “Yeah, I…I think that might help,” he says softly. He looks back up and then steps towards the tub, reaching for his towel, as Steve quickly turns around to give him some privacy. He hears a little hiss as Bucky must settle himself in the water, as he glances back to see he’s mostly covered by the bubbles.</p><p>Steve moves to sit on the closed toilet lid, feeling awkward, but also glad Bucky let him stay, because he’d be panicking outside otherwise. “How’s that feel?” he asks, keeping his eyes ahead, though he can see Bucky in his periphery.</p><p>“It’s good,” Bucky replies. “I-I like the smell. Nothing at H…nothing there ever smelled nice.”</p><p>Steve feels sad and pleased all at once. “We could go get you lots of nice smelling bath things,” he offers. “There’s a whole store that has all these soaps and bubble baths and things, Nat took me there once.” He likes the idea of that. He wants Bucky to have as many things that he wants or likes as he possibly can. Anything that will help him or make him even the tiniest bit happy, Steve will get for him.</p><p>Bucky doesn’t respond to that. “I-I’m going to try lying back,” he states and Steve glances over to him.</p><p>“Okay. I’m right here,” Steve reminds him when he sees Bucky’s glancing over at him too.</p><p>Bucky half nods and then slowly slides back until his hair is partly in the water. He stays there for a moment and then slides back up. “T-that feels okay.” He reaches for the jug where Steve left it on the corner of the tub. “I’m gonna try this now,” he says, sounding determined. He fills the jug from the faucet and then carefully pours the water, avoiding getting it in his face, as Steve braces himself.</p><p>But it seems fine. Bucky waits a moment and then refills the jug and does it again and Steve breathes a sigh of relief.</p><p>“This-this is good,” Bucky states. “It’s faster than when I tried to use my hands to cup the water,” he adds, sounding a little like he’s talking to himself more than to Steve.</p><p>“That’s great, Bu—” Steve starts, even though he wants Bucky to take as long as he needs to, before a cry interrupts them, both audible through the monitor and down the hall, seeing as the bathroom door’s open. “I just need to check on her,” Steve says apologetically. “I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Bucky nods, seemingly doing okay now.</p><p>Steve hurries to James to find her crying in a pouty kind of way and Steve remembers she didn’t get her full bottle. He quickly checks it to find it’s just about okay warmth still and he picks her up, then pauses. He doesn’t want to feed her in here and leave Bucky alone for that long.</p><p>He considers for a minute and James starts crying again so he decides he’ll do what he has to do and carries her and the bottle back to the bathroom.</p><p>“Buck, is it okay if I feed James in here?” he checks as he peers in.</p><p>Bucky looks up, seemingly surprised to see James there. “I think I’m okay now, you don’t have to stay.”</p><p>“Oh.” Steve tries to not take that as a rejection. “Are you sure?” he checks, as James lets out an annoyed wail right in his ear and he cringes.</p><p>“Yeah,” Bucky tells him, not meeting his eyes. “I’m just going to rinse off now anyway.”</p><p>Steve really doesn’t want to leave him, but he knows he can’t impose on Bucky if he’s not wanted. “Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll be right in James’ room then,” he informs Bucky, wanting him to know he’s still close, and then retreats back down the hallway.</p><p>He listens closely as he feeds James the remains of her breakfast and hears Bucky getting out the bath after a few more minutes, hears the water draining, and then Bucky going to his room.</p><p>As he’s getting James dressed for the day in a cute set of spring green dungarees with yellow flowers, with a matching long-sleeved t-shirt, he hears Bucky’s door open and his footsteps heading downstairs.</p><p>Steve fights the impulse to run after him and carefully finishes getting James dressed, reminding himself that Bucky is a grown man and he can’t smother him all the time, as much as he wants to. He gives James her teething ring to chew on, before carrying her downstairs.</p><p>He finds Bucky in the kitchen, where he’s taken it upon himself to make breakfast. He’s dressed in his new clothes—a dark blue long-sleeved t-shirt with the dark grey pants they got which are sort of like sweatpants but a little nicer looking, while still being warm and soft, and he’s wearing his bright yellow socks and he’s tied his still-wet hair back into a little bun. He looks cosy, soft and utterly adorable.</p><p>Bucky looks over and acknowledges Steve, but there’s some weirdness in the air between them now. Steve figures maybe Bucky’s processed everything and is embarrassed about what happened. So he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to bring anything up if Bucky doesn’t want to talk about it, especially if he’s feeling better now. He puts James down into her playpen, propped in the corner so she’s sitting up.</p><p>“I, um, I put the damp sheets and stuff in the laundry room,” Bucky speaks up.</p><p>“Oh, great, thanks,” Steve smiles, a little awkwardly. “So, um, is there anything you wanted to do today?” he offers as Bucky dishes up toast, offering a plate to Steve. “Thanks,” he smiles gratefully as he takes the plate.</p><p>“What do you want to do?” Bucky asks, passing Steve a knife for the butter.</p><p><em>I want you to hold James</em>, is the sad and entirely unfair thought that comes to mind that he doesn’t vocalise. “We don’t have to do anything. If you want we could just stay in. Yesterday was kind of busy and you’ve only just got here…” He trails off. He loves feeling like Bucky’s just slotted into their lives, but he has to rein himself in. He’s barely been here five minutes really.</p><p>Bucky passes him a bowl of yoghurt he’s also dished out with a little honey on top, just like Steve likes it. “I want you to do what you would have if I wasn’t here,” he replies.</p><p>Steve doesn’t want to tell him that all that would involve would be taking care of James and checking in with Sam and Nat for any updates on Bucky sightings and sometimes sitting by himself when James is asleep, listening to music he used to listen to with Bucky, feeling his loss all over again and wishing he could get drunk.</p><p>“Steve?” Bucky utters, maybe seeing the emotion on Steve’s face.</p><p>“We, um, need to get groceries,” Steve offers, not willing to talk about what he was thinking about.</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky agrees.</p><p>Steve’s starting to feel like he’ll agree with anything. He pastes a smile onto his face. “Let’s finish breakfast and head out then,” he suggests. He wants the rest of the day to be positive—for Bucky to forget this morning and feel okay again.</p><p>Bucky nods obediently, going back to eating his own bowl of yoghurt.</p><p>Steve does the same, but he can’t really taste it. There’s a deep sadness settling in him because he’s starting to realise that on some level it’s still like Bucky is following orders. His friend…his <em>everything</em>, is home, but Steve’s starting to understand that as much as Bucky wants to be okay, he isn’t. In that moment, Steve can’t help but wonder if he ever will be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter 😊 Thank you for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it and would love to hear your thoughts on this fic if you're reading and enjoying it ❤️</p><p>Next up...they have a visitor 😁</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. with your chosen family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The boys have a visitor.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If the first few days of Bucky being back felt filled with them doing things, like getting clothes and groceries, the next few feel the opposite. Once Steve’s got Bucky settled in, he has the sudden realisation that his life truly only revolves around James, in that he barely does anything else. He’s not tried to create a life here for himself, not really, not yet. It just didn’t seem important. Or maybe he was just waiting for Bucky all along.</p><p>But he worries that Bucky’s bored, because each day he asks what their plans are and each day Steve feels like he has less to offer him. Bucky seems happy enough with it, spending his time offering his help around the house, especially when Steve’s busy with James, as Bucky’s still showing little interest in interacting further with her. Sometimes Bucky spends time reading Steve’s small selection of books, and Steve likes that because he seems peaceful when he’s curled up on the couch with a book, looking like he’s always belonged there, but Steve still feels like it’s not enough.</p><p>Plus Bucky still agrees with him on basically everything, so Steve has no way to know if he’s unhappy just staying in reading or if he really means it when he says he’s happy to do that.</p><p>The grocery trip had highlighted that further for Steve. He’d tried to guide Bucky into choosing things, but he’d deferred to Steve a lot and only really picked something up if Steve encouraged it.</p><p>Steve tries to tell himself it’s just another thing that will take time. He just doesn’t know if he should say something or just let things be. It’s the same with bringing up the past. He’s dying to talk about it, to see what Bucky remembers, specifically, but he doesn’t want to upset Bucky. Bucky’s doing better after the shower incident—Steve can tell, there seems to be a weight lifted from him—and he doesn’t want to ruin that. But he feels like he’s living in limbo a little, not really sure of what will happen, too many things unspoken between them as they meander along.</p><p>He feels a little lost as he lies on the floor with James, putting her on her stomach for the main purpose of watching her roll herself over, when she starts looking pouty and he realises it’s about time for a feed.</p><p>He glances up at Bucky, who’s reading on the couch, largely ignoring them, occasionally looking over with a curious look in his eyes, and Steve decides on the spur of the moment to try something.</p><p>“I need to go heat her bottle, would you watch her for just a couple of minutes?” he requests as he gets up from the floor.</p><p>Bucky’s eyes widen slightly as he puts the book to the side. “I can do that, heat it up” he says, already starting to get up. “What do I need to do?”</p><p>Steve can’t push down how much it hurts, that Bucky doesn’t even want to spend a minute with her alone. He crouches down to lift James. “Actually, don’t worry, Buck, I’ll just bring her in with me,” he says, already headed towards the kitchen, hating himself, because he knows that sounded cold and it’s not fair and he knows it. None of this is fair. But Bucky didn’t ask for this and Steve can’t force it on him. It’s enough that he’s even still here. He could have easily run again when he found out about James.</p><p>Still, he stays in the kitchen, feeding James, sitting over at the little table in the corner on the bench, full of disappointment. He just can’t understand how anyone who meets James couldn’t fall in love with her straight away. She’s the sweetest baby in the world.</p><p>Steve suddenly realises what he’s thinking and rolls his eyes to himself, trying to rein himself in. He knows every parent probably thinks that and he’s being ridiculous.</p><p>Still, he hugs her to his chest, burping her when she’s finished, feeling a little adrift, and then the doorbell rings.</p><p>“Steve?” Bucky calls out.</p><p>He tries to pull himself together and heads for the front door with James in his arms. “I’ll get it, Buck,” he murmurs as he walks past him. They’re not expecting anyone, so it’s probably the mail or something.</p><p>As he approaches though, he rolls his eyes to himself as he recognises the shadow through the door. He shifts James into one arm, opening the door. “I guess I should have expected this,” he says with an over the top sigh.</p><p>Nat stands there, a slight smile on her face as Steve steps out with James instead of inviting her in. “Surprised it took you this long,” he comments. He’d be angry, but he can’t say he didn’t expect it. Sam is better at listening to Steve and his wishes. Nat never has been, but he knows it’s because she worries. That, and she’s undeniably nosy.</p><p>“Only just got back from my mission,” she says in that low voice of hers, as she steps back a little, attention going to James, her smile widening into a true smile. “Hi there, sweetie.” She reaches out and gently pinches James’ toes through her socks, which never fails to make her giggle. “So, he’s here?” she comments, attention still on James.</p><p>Steve sighs. “He is. He’s okay, Nat. You don’t have to worry.”</p><p>Nat reaches out and Steve happily passes James over. She grabs for Nat’s hair as she always does, and Nat, as always, lets her with no complaint. She bounces her a little and coos, soft in a way Steve only ever sees when she’s with James. “Really?” she murmurs, quietly.</p><p>Steve realises she probably figures Bucky can hear them if they speak normally. He drops his voice too, as he moves to lean against the porch fence. “He’s Bucky,” he tells her. “Mostly.”</p><p>“Mostly?”</p><p>Steve sighs, gripping the railing as he leans on it. “H-he’s been through a lot. He’s not the same as he was,” Steve admits. “He’s shyer, quieter. There are things inside that I can see haunt him.”</p><p>Nat nods. “That’s understandable,” she says, shrugging a shoulder. “You can’t expect that he’ll be exactly like he was after all he’s been through. I mean, you aren’t, are you.”</p><p>Steve huffs a little. She’s got him there. “That’s true. I just…I don’t know if I should push him to talk or just let him be. It’s…I love that he’s home, but it’s just…it’s hard. Harder than I thought.”</p><p>Nat looks sympathetic. “How is he with James?” she asks softly.</p><p>Steve looks down. “I…I don’t know.”</p><p>“Steve,” Nat says, sounding a little admonishing.</p><p>He looks over to see her frowning at him. “He…honestly he doesn’t really show any interest in her,” he admits, because he needs to talk to someone about this, as bad as he feels saying it. “I mean, no, that’s not fair,” he amends, feeling terrible instantly. “He’s asked about her and things, seemed curious, but he just…he hasn’t wanted to hold her and he never wants to be left alone with her.”</p><p>Nat looks sympathetic again, before James pokes her in the face and she grins at her.</p><p>“I know it’s not fair of me,” Steve continues before she can tell him off, knowing he’s in the wrong here, knowing how hard Bucky is trying with everything. “But I just want him to know her. To see how amazing his baby girl is.”</p><p>Nat looks thoughtful. “That’s probably going to take some time, Steve. It’s only been a few days.”</p><p>“I know,” Steve says softly. He does know, when he lets himself. He’s just never been a patient man.</p><p>“Anyway,” she says calmly, “are you gonna invite me in? This little one’s going to get cold.”</p><p>Steve nods, even though he’s a little nervous about it. “Just…don’t do anything to scare him off,” he implores her.</p><p>“Promise,” Nat replies, passing James back to him, taking a moment to untangle her hair from James’ fingers with a grin.</p><p>Steve opens the door and they head inside. He’s worried, but he also wants Bucky to be okay with his friends. Nat and Sam do come over when they can and Bucky will have to be okay with that after all. And he wants them to all get along. His friends have basically become his family and he wants Bucky to be a part of that.</p><p>Bucky’s not in the living room where he left him though. Steve frowns to himself and heads towards the kitchen, Nat following.</p><p>Bucky’s sitting over at the table by the door, looking very much like he’s ready to bolt if he needs to. He has his hand wrapped round a mug and the smell of coffee is permeating the air. He glances at Nat nervously as she enters the room. “I-I made coffee,” he says softly.</p><p>Steve glances at Nat. No one else would notice, she keeps her face impassive, but Steve knows her too well and can see that this Bucky is not who she was expecting at all.</p><p>“Thanks, Buck,” Steve replies, keeping his tone light. “You remember Natasha?”</p><p>Bucky looks at her and nods, not making eye contact. He looks almost scared.</p><p>Nat nods back at him. “Hello, Bucky,” she murmurs.</p><p>Steve figures he needs to take the lead here and walks over to put James in her playpen before heading over to pour coffee from where Bucky left it for himself and Nat.</p><p>Nat takes hers with a smile and boldly goes over to sit at the table, choosing the seat opposite Bucky.</p><p>Steve sees the way Bucky’s eyes glance over to the door. He heads over and sits on the bench seat by the wall with his own coffee, hoping Bucky will feel better with him sitting there too. “Nat likes to stop by unannounced,” he says with a wry smile, trying to lighten the tense mood.</p><p>Bucky nods, right hand tightening a little on his mug, left hidden on his lap beneath the table.</p><p>“Gotta keep you on your toes, Rogers,” Nat states, taking a sip of her coffee. She moves her attention to Bucky. “It’s good to see you again. You look well,” she says, tone as warm as Steve’s ever heard it. He’s so grateful to her in that moment.</p><p>Bucky still looks nervous, like Nat’s tricking him. “I…” he utters, before stopping and then trying again. “I’m sorry I shot you,” he says, words coming out tiny and soft, eyes wide and tense like he expects something bad to happen.</p><p>Steve’s stomach clenches as Nat even shows surprise on her face. Neither of them expected that. It makes Steve want to jump in and tell Bucky again that nothing he did was his fault, but he forces himself not to, seeing how important it is for Bucky to get to say that to Nat.</p><p>Nothing fazes Nat for long. She waves her hand. “Water under the bridge or whatever it is they say.” Then she gets a little smirk on her face. “Just don’t do it again.”</p><p>Bucky’s eyes soften. It seems he wasn’t expecting that response either. “I-I won’t,” he says, before looking at his mug again. “I-I’m doing better now,” he adds softly.</p><p>“I can tell,” Nat replies kindly. “I’m glad you came to find Steve. It must have been quite a shock, coming here, meeting James though,” she adds, while Steve frowns a little at her.</p><p>Bucky glances over at the playpen. “I…it’s, um, it was a surprise,” he finally answers, looking awkward as he looks back down at his drink.</p><p>“I’ll never forget that mission,” Nat murmurs, taking a sip of her coffee and shaking her head, before changing her tone to more business-like. “Speaking of missions, I actually need to borrow Steve for a minute, if that’s okay?” she adds, changing topics. “Just some private Avengers business,” she explains, looking apologetic.</p><p>Steve looks over at her, a little confused, as Bucky looks up.</p><p>“Um, sure,” Bucky utters.</p><p>“C’mon, Steve,” Nat says, already getting up, taking her coffee with her.</p><p>Steve frowns and stands too, following as she heads to the back door, and then he gets an inkling of what she’s trying to do.</p><p>“W-wait!” Bucky calls out as she opens the door. “What about…” He nods over at James in the corner.</p><p>“Oh, we’ll just be out here, you can just watch her and come grab us if you need anything?” Nat says, blasé.</p><p>Bucky’s eyes widen and he looks like he’s trying to come up with an excuse.</p><p>Steve thinks he should just give him an out, but Nat gives him a look as she goes out the door, so Steve forces himself to follow, feeling guilty, but hoping Nat knows what she’s doing.</p><p>He closes the door behind him as Nat moves across the garden a few feet where they can’t be seen easily through the windows and he follows her over there. “What was that?” he hisses.</p><p>“An experiment,” she replies, matter-of-fact. She looks thoughtful. “He’s completely different to what I thought,” she says quietly.</p><p>Steve sighs, thinking about the quiet, unsure man they just left inside. “I know.”</p><p>“Almost sweet,” she murmurs, taking another sip of coffee.</p><p>Steve exhales and looks towards the house. “He is.” Bucky is still Bucky in many ways, but there’s also this whole other side to him now, one that Steve is growing to both love and hate, because Bucky is so sweet, but he’s also so unsure and he was never like that before. It hurts to think of all that happened to him to make him change like that. He decides to fill Nat in a little on their first few days together, knowing he can trust her, Nat looking attentive while he speaks, like she’s figuring out a puzzle.</p><p>“I can’t wait to tell Sam,” Nat comments when Steve’s finished, but he knows she doesn’t mean it in a bad way. “He makes good coffee too,” she adds, happily drinking some more.</p><p>Steve left his inside. He thinks about Bucky in there with James. “He’s going to run out here in a minute, I know it.”</p><p>“I don’t think so,” Nat counters.</p><p>“You think?” Steve says doubtfully. Nat does have an uncanny way of knowing things, but he doesn’t know how she can sound so sure.</p><p>“I’m good at reading people. And I think you were right. You don’t want to push him, but I think that might be what he needs, what he responds to. If you leave it up to him, he might just stay in that shell of his and never come out.”</p><p>Steve frowns. “He’s not always like that. He…he’s more open with me.” He really is. With Nat here, he’s definitely even more withdrawn and nervous, with a wall up.</p><p>“Well that’s good,” Nat accepts, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t give him a gentle push.”</p><p>Steve looks towards the house, certain she’s wrong. It seems like Bucky will do anything to avoid being left alone with James. He’d been so hopeful when he’d found Bucky watching her when he’d been in the shower, but since then Bucky’s not done anything like that.</p><p>“Can you hear them?” Nat asks.</p><p>Steve bites his lower lip and then focuses and finds that, yes, he can.</p><p>“What can you hear?” she prods.</p><p>“He’s talking to her,” Steve realises. He listens, his heart suddenly filling with joy. He smiles to himself. “He’s telling her about her stuffed dinosaur and what dinosaurs are,” he says with amusement.</p><p>Nat looks very pleased with herself. “See? Maybe all he needs is a little push? Maybe he just doesn’t want to step on your toes?”</p><p>Steve considers that. He never even thought of that. Maybe Bucky does want to know James but doesn’t want to make Steve feel like he’s taking over or something? Maybe he got this all wrong?</p><p>He’s still thinking about that when he hears a sniffle. “Oh no.”</p><p>“What?” Nat asks, eyebrows raising.</p><p>“She’s about to cry.” He’s already moving, but Nat grabs his arm.</p><p>“Give it a minute, Rogers,” she scolds him. “See what he does.”</p><p>“That doesn’t seem fair,” he says even as he stops and listens closely as James starts properly crying.</p><p>“He knows where we are if he needs us,” Nat reminds him.</p><p>It goes against Steve’s instincts, because whenever James cries he’s always there, probably more attentive than he really should be, but he forces himself to wait, listening.</p><p>“Oh god, please don’t do that,” Bucky utters, sounding a little terrified, Steve thinks. “Is it your teeth again?” He hears a door opening that he thinks is the fridge. “Here,” Bucky’s saying. And then after a few moments, the crying stops.</p><p>Steve can’t help smiling.</p><p>“Well?” Nat asks, looking expectant but also a little smug.</p><p>“She’s stopped,” Steve confirms.</p><p>“Well, well,” Nat says, definitely smiling in a self-satisfied way. “Looks like I was right.” She pokes him in the arm. “You just need to be a little braver and a little bolder.”</p><p>Steve huffs at her. “You know, you aren’t always right,” he grouses.</p><p>She smirks at him. “Yeah, but like ninety-nine percent of the time I am.”</p><p>Steve rolls his eyes. “Can we go back in now?” he requests. He doesn’t want to push Bucky too far in one go. Plus he does want to check that James doesn’t need her diaper changed or something.</p><p>“Yeah, let’s,” she nods.</p><p>They head back in together, opening the door to find Bucky leaning over the playpen on his knees, waving a stuffed dinosaur at James. She’s got a yellow teething ring and is gnawing away on it.</p><p>Bucky all but jumps away, dropping the stuffed toy as they come in. “Sorry,” he says instantly. “She was crying. I thought it might be her teeth again so I gave her one of the cold rings,” he explains, standing up.</p><p>“Good instinct,” Nat says warmly, smiling at him, then giving Steve a surreptitious look.</p><p>“Yeah, Buck, don’t apologise, you did great,” Steve smiles, realising that’s what the look was for. “You’re really good with her,” he adds. Maybe Bucky needs the praise to feel more comfortable?</p><p>“A natural, I’d say,” Nat adds, looking down at James and smiling.</p><p>Bucky looks uncomfortable with the praise, but his cheeks also go a little red as he pushes his hair back behind his ear. “I, um, I don’t know…”</p><p>“Well James does,” Nat tells him, smiling kindly over at him again. “She looks pretty happy to me.”</p><p>Bucky looks like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He reaches out a hand to Nat. “Let me take your mug,” he offers, Nat happily passing him it as he retreats to the sink.</p><p>Nat smiles encouragingly at Steve while Bucky’s not looking. “Well, I better be off, only had time for a quick visit, got that mission to go on,” she announces, as if that’s what they’d been talking about outside.</p><p>“Right,” Steve bluffs. “Good luck with that.”</p><p>Nat blows a kiss down to James, waving at her. “You’ll have to have me and Sam over for dinner soon,” she tells Steve, her requests always more of a command, as she gives him a quick hug.</p><p>Steve sees Bucky’s turned and is watching with apparent interest. “Will do,” he nods.</p><p>Nat looks over at Bucky. “Welcome home,” she says, giving him a nod, to which he bites his lip and nods back. “Look after this one,” she nods back at Steve with a grin, while Steve rolls his eyes.</p><p>“I will,” Bucky replies, tone the firmest it’s been since Nat got there.</p><p>Nat gives Steve a last wave. “I’ll see myself out.”</p><p>They watch as she goes and Steve can practically see Bucky sink a little, some tension leaving him.</p><p>“Sorry she just dropped by,” Steve apologises. He knows it’s probably not good for Bucky to be surprised like that, but he can’t really expect anything else from Nat.</p><p>“It’s fine. She was…she was nice,” Bucky replies. “S-she’s your friend?” he asks, a strange look on his face.</p><p>Steve finds the question a little strange. “Yeah, Buck,” he confirms anyway. “She’s a good friend. Hard to get to know at first, until she trusts you,” he shrugs. “But she’s really great.”</p><p>“B-but just your friend?” Bucky continues softly.</p><p>Steve’s eyes widen as he realises what Bucky’s asking. “Oh jeez, yes,” he laughs in surprise. “Just my friend. There’s no one like that.” He suddenly wonders why Bucky’s asking. He’s certain he and Nat don’t give off any vibes like that. Maybe he just wondered because they’re close?</p><p>Bucky frowns a little as if he’s working a puzzle out. “Because of Peggy?” he questions.</p><p>Steve raises his eyebrows in surprise at hearing that name. “You remember Peggy?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Bucky nods, looking away. “I…I don’t think I liked her, but I don’t remember why,” he murmurs, looking back to Steve.</p><p>That’s news to Steve. “You didn’t like Peggy?” he frowns. He knows Bucky flirted with her and she only showed interest in him, so maybe that’s why? But Bucky never mentioned anything to him back then. And Steve was trying so hard to be how he was supposed to be and trying to make himself want a woman, want Peggy, that he never noticed.</p><p>Bucky shrugs, looking away again.</p><p>“Oh,” Steve breathes out. He’s a little thrown by that and not sure what to say about it. “But no, not because of Peggy. We weren’t ever really…” He doesn’t finish. He can’t say that he could never really love her that way, no matter how hard he tried, because the only person he’s ever loved is standing in the same room right now. “I just don’t…date,” he settles on. It sounds stupid. Who would date Captain America, retired, single father, anyway? It would be too dangerous even now. Not that he has any interest.</p><p>“Because of James?” Bucky questions, tone curious.</p><p>“No,” Steve says brightly, even though that’s partly true. He wouldn’t trust anyone around James, but it’s not really why. “Just happy on my own,” he lies.</p><p>Bucky frowns, like he knows that’s a lie. “You never did like when I’d drag you on dates,” he says, instead of questioning it though.</p><p>Steve lets out an amused huff. “Yeah cause those dames always looked so disappointed when I’d show up.” That and he’d have to watch Bucky wooing one of them and it would break his heart every time. And Bucky was always so eager for them to go out and always trying to include him and every time it was a disaster for Steve.</p><p>“They were blind,” Bucky states. “You were so cute back then,” he murmurs, like he’s lost in memories, and Steve’s suddenly not breathing.</p><p>But as much as he wishes Bucky meant it that way, he knows he doesn’t. He knows Bucky means because he was so small back then. Bucky always used to tell him he was a catch and that he was handsome, but Steve always knew he was just trying to make him feel better. So Steve takes a breath and tries to lighten the mood. “Not anymore, huh?” he jokes.</p><p>Bucky seems to snap out of the memories as he looks over at Steve and a small smile appears on his face. “Nah. Too beefy,” he says, the smile getting bigger and more teasing.</p><p>Steve huffs in amusement at the teasing, internally dying at the smile. It’s the biggest smile he’s gotten out of Bucky so far and it feels like the world’s just lit up with stars.</p><p>Sadly, the moment breaks as Steve starts to notice an awful smell coming from the playpen. He sees the moment it reaches Bucky as he scrunches up his face. Steve tries not to think about how cute his nose is when he does that.</p><p>He rubs a hand over his face, a bit frustrated by the interruption. “Diaper change required,” he sighs, moving over to the playpen and reaching in to lift James, and oh god, that is awful. He tries to breathe through his mouth.</p><p>He lets out a groan but smiles at Bucky as he heads towards the door so he can go upstairs and change her.</p><p>“You shouldn’t be alone,” Bucky mumbles out of the blue as he heads past.</p><p>Steve pauses, taken aback by the comment. It’s an incredibly sweet thing for Bucky to say. Then he smiles softly in realisation. Because he’s not. He has everything he needs right here. “I’m not, Buck,” he tells him. “Not anymore.”</p><p>Bucky stares back at him for a moment, flooring Steve with those grey-blue eyes like he always does, as the corner of his mouth twitches upwards.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think I say this every time, but thank you so much for your thoughtful comments each chapter. This is why I love fic, because you guys think of things I haven't even considered and it's so great to see what you think too 😍</p><p>Hope you enjoyed Nat's visit! Up next...a picnic of sorts and a bit more about James.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. some things you just can’t speak about</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A picnic and some other stuff.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Made up science tag...this is your moment.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been two weeks since he arrived at Steve’s. Two weeks, and Bucky’s already sure that it was the right choice. Steve is everything he remembered him to be and Bucky knows he can trust him implicitly. He hasn’t had that for so long, so it’s still a little scary, but at the same time it calms him, to know Steve is there for him and it seems truly unconditional.</p><p>That’s not to say it hasn’t been emotional and hard being back with Steve. James being the main part of that, but Bucky chooses not to study that too closely. He can’t think about the reality of that yet—it’s just too complicated and hard. He’s good at pushing things back anyway, so he tries to simply view her as Steve’s daughter whenever the hard thoughts appear.</p><p>His shower meltdown was also hard. When he woke up wrapped in Steve’s arms, just about registering what happened, he was mortified. But he was also grateful. Grateful that Steve was there, that he took care of him, that he wasn’t alone. Grateful that Steve didn’t look at Bucky like he was a freak for not being able to just take a shower like a normal person. He even helped find a solution and now Bucky’s managing okay with baths. He still takes too long, but Steve never gets mad. Plus the day before, a package arrived addressed to him. At first, he’d been worried, but Steve just looked bemused and told him to open it and he found an array of wonderful smelling bath items sent from the Black Widow, just for him. So now his baths always smell wonderful and some of the things fizz in the water and leave colours in it and the scent lingers on his skin too, and it’s a little thing, but it makes him feel more human. It’s strange, that men can have nice things like that now, he also muses. But both Natasha and Steve seem to think it’s perfectly normal, so he takes it as another advantage of the future and lets himself enjoy it. Plus it keeps him grounded and helps keep him away from the bad memories.</p><p>The problem isn’t bad memories at the moment though. At the moment, he’s lingering on a good memory—that being of Steve holding him close, his chest against Bucky’s back. Bucky already knew he liked Steve’s hugs, but since the initial few, Steve hasn’t really touched him. Until the shower incident.</p><p>Bucky wanted to bury himself into Steve’s warm arms and never come out again. And that’s a problem. That touch has made him want more, has made him realise that he hasn’t been touched with kindness in basically a lifetime, but he can’t ask Steve for that. He doesn’t want to do anything to make Steve not want him there, so he’s very careful not to ask for anything unless he’s certain Steve would be happy to give it.</p><p>So as much as he wants Steve to hold him, or even just to get a hug once a day, he doesn’t ask. Steve’s done too much for him already. When he realised Bucky was enjoying reading his books, he gave Bucky his tablet computer and showed him a store where he could order any book he liked, so Bucky has new things to read arriving soon. He likes spending his time lost in stories or learning about something new to help keep him out of his own head. And Steve gives him that willingly, so he can’t ask for more.</p><p>It’s not a big deal anyway, he tells himself. He’s happier than he ever thought he would be again, after all. He’s lucky to just have Steve back.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Over the next couple of days, Steve comes to find that while Bucky doesn’t generally ask for anything, Steve can figure out things he likes pretty easily.</p><p>The first was simple.</p><p>Bucky likes being outside.</p><p>It’s not hard to work out why that might be the case and it makes Steve feel desperately sad and angry all at once. But Steve notices a lot of the time when he has to excuse himself to change or feed James, he’ll often return to find Bucky’s out on the back steps or on the grass, watching the clouds float by.</p><p>He also notices that Bucky goes out of his way to try and help around the house, always offering to do things—at least those that aren’t related to James—like cooking and cleaning and helping to fix the shower screen and the bathroom door lock. So Steve comes to realise that Bucky also likes feeling useful, which is again understandable.</p><p>It’s not much, but it’s something to go on at least. Even though Nat seems to think he can push Bucky a little more, Steve’s still hesitant to bring up the past. So he wants to focus on the present for now. To figure out ways to make Bucky feel at home and to feel happy, if he can manage that. If he can even manage that just a little, it’ll be worth it.</p><p>He has managed to be a little bolder and to leave Bucky with James in the room for brief moments though. While each time Bucky looks panicked, if Steve doesn’t give him time to protest then he’ll stay with her alone, if only for a minute or two. So he counts that as progress too.</p><p>He plans to keep making progress, however slow it might be. So, today, when it’s supposed to be sunny and a little warmer than it has been lately and probably won’t be as warm again until spring, Steve comes up with a plan for something he thinks Bucky will enjoy.</p><p>“Hey, Buck?” he says, getting Bucky’s attention from where he’s reading on the couch, curled up in his soft sweats, as Steve returns from putting laundry on. “What do you think about having a picnic?” he asks as Bucky looks over.</p><p>Bucky looks hesitant. “A picnic?”</p><p>“Just here in the backyard,” Steve clarifies. When they sometimes go to the park, Steve can see how Bucky scans the area the entire time, looking for threats. He’s not sure if Bucky even realises he does it, but he figures it wouldn’t exactly be the most relaxing place for a picnic for him, being out in the open. “I know it’s kinda dumb, but it won’t be this warm again for a while and it might be nice?” Steve shrugs, trying to stay casual.</p><p>“Um, okay?” Bucky agrees, closing his book. “What food will we make?”</p><p>Steve feels a little glow at how Bucky said <em>we</em>. “Just whatever we have I guess?” Steve hadn’t thought that far ahead and doesn’t really feel like going to the store. “Sandwiches? And we have chips and there’s those donuts you like,” he offers with a grin.</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky agrees simply.</p><p>About thirty minutes later, Bucky’s made a pile of sandwiches with roast beef and Steve’s spread a blanket out on the grass and brought out bowls of chips and the aforementioned donuts are on a plate there too.</p><p>Steve also brings out James’ food and James herself, and they all sit there together on the blanket in the backyard. And okay, maybe it’s a little weird to have a picnic at home, but the minute Steve sees the calm look on Bucky’s face, he knows it was a good idea.</p><p>Bucky has his head up to the sun, looking like he’s drinking in the warmth of it and then he strips off the sweater he had on, leaving him in a tank that obviously shows off his metal arm, which is something he usually keeps covered, even around the house. But the way he’s got his arm out in the sun makes Steve feel like his heart is swelling, because it feels important that Bucky’s comfortable enough to sit out with him like this.</p><p>It’s also almost strange to see him looking so modern, but it suits him. He’s taken to tying his hair back into a messy knot when it’s still wet and it leaves little curls in his hair. Steve’s already managed to sneak a picture when he’s taken his hair down, because he just couldn’t help himself. He tries not to stare though now, busying himself with pulling James’ socks back up, as she lies on her belly between them on the blanket.</p><p>“You really should get more plants,” Bucky comments offhand.</p><p>He huffs in amusement. Bucky’s mentioned that before and now he thinks that’s a great idea, a plan forming in his head. “I would, but I don’t know how or have much time to look after them.” He waits, hoping Bucky will take the bait.</p><p>Bucky glances over at the plain fence, looking thoughtful. “I could read about it?” he offers.</p><p>Steve smiles over at him when Bucky looks back. “That could be a good plan,” he says casually, thrilled inside. “You could see what kind would be best and then maybe we could go to a gardening store?” he muses.</p><p>Bucky nods. “I’ll look into it.” He’s become quite taken with Steve’s tablet computer that Tony gave him, using it to look up all kinds of things. Steve’s basically decided it’s Bucky’s now. He always did want to learn about everything—he had a constant thirst for knowledge and apparently still does.</p><p>“Thanks, Buck,” Steve smiles, getting a little smile in return, which as always, lights up his world. He glances down at James and then thinks this could be another moment to try leaving Bucky with her, seeing as Bucky seems so relaxed. “I’m going to grab a lemonade,” he says, already standing. He doesn’t ask if Bucky wants one because he knows Bucky will offer to get it himself.</p><p>Bucky glances up at Steve’s movement, a small frown appearing.</p><p>Steve thinks Bucky’s probably going to figure out what he’s doing soon. “Would you watch James for just a second?” he says, already moving, not really giving Bucky time to answer. He feels guilty about it, but like Nat said, maybe this is the best way for now.</p><p>He purposefully takes longer than a second. He takes five minutes, figuring he can use the excuse of needing the bathroom. He sort of hides himself where he knows Bucky can’t see him through the windows and waits, reminding himself that Bucky will just come and get him if he really can’t take watching James.</p><p>When the five minutes are up, he then pours two lemonades and heads for the door, but stops as he takes in the view through the window.</p><p>James is still on her belly, head to the side. But what stops Steve in his tracks is that Bucky’s lying down next to her, mirroring her pose, head facing her. He doesn’t seem to be talking this time, he’s just watching her and she’s watching him right back.</p><p>Steve doesn’t know if it should feel so momentous, but it does. He stands there staring, as Bucky moves his left arm so he’s resting his head on his bicep and waves his fingers a little, James staring at them as they sparkle in the sunshine.</p><p>And then…then James shuffles herself forwards, trying to reach his fingers, and Steve almost drops the lemonade in his haste to get outside, all but throwing it on the table as he yanks open the door while fishing his phone out, setting it to video as he runs over.</p><p>Bucky looks startled as he usually does and then confused by the phone as he moves his hand back, lifting himself up to lean on his arm. “Sorry—” he starts.</p><p>“No, no, don’t stop!” Steve whispers loudly and excitedly, getting James in the frame.</p><p>Bucky looks confused still, but moves back and puts his hand back out and wiggles his fingers again, all the while looking perplexed at Steve.</p><p>James shuffles forward again and Steve can barely contain his glee as he points the camera at her. “Oh wow, Jaime, look at you!”</p><p>“What?” Bucky frowns at her and then him.</p><p>“She’s crawling!” Steve replies, huge grin on his face.</p><p>Bucky looks back at James, frown still present. “That’s crawling?” he asks, as James shuffles about an inch forward on her belly.</p><p>“It’s the start of it!” Steve grins, eyes never leaving James. “She’s never done that before!”</p><p>“Oh,” Bucky states, turning his attention back to her. He moves his hand further away, still letting the light catch on his fingers.</p><p>James is apparently fascinated by it, because she wiggles her way forward again, trying to get to them, and then Steve’s excitement turns to pure joy, because a small smile appears on Bucky’s face.</p><p>“She’s kinda like a worm,” he states.</p><p>Steve’s face falls and he huffs, offended on James’ behalf. “A beautiful worm,” he corrects, sending the video he just took to Nat and Sam with a bunch of exclamation points. The nice thing is, they get almost as excited as he does, having helped take care of James in the beginning when he and James were still at Avengers HQ. He remembers them all crowding round her in excitement the first time she smiled and ever since, he always tells them about her ‘firsts’.</p><p>Bucky seems to find his comment amusing as he glances up at Steve. Then his face turns thoughtful and he’s quiet for a moment as he looks back at James. “Do you think that’s from her mother?” he asks softly. “I mean, do you know who she was or what she looked like?”</p><p>Steve was not expecting that question. He stills, and then puts his phone away, gathering himself, letting the excitement drain away. “We don’t,” he finally says. “There were files that had some details, but no name or photo.” He takes a breath and joins them to sit on the blanket again. “She was essentially used as an incubator,” he explains as gently as he can. He doesn’t know how Bucky will feel about this. “We think it was likely she was young and didn’t know what she was getting herself into.”</p><p>Steve pauses, but Bucky’s had no reaction. He’s still lying there staring at James, so Steve continues carefully. “I don’t really understand the science, but Bruce told me that they extracted her eggs and then played with the DNA of the embryo they implanted back in her and it was something like seventy-five percent your DNA instead of the usual fifty-fifty.”</p><p>Bucky blinks at that and his eyebrows knit together.</p><p>“So, uh,” Steve continues when Bucky doesn’t say anything, “most of how beautiful she is…that’s from you. And everything else,” he adds.</p><p>Bucky frowns deeper, still watching James, but his eyes look a little lost.</p><p>Steve watches him carefully. He’s wanted to tell Bucky all of this, but he hadn’t shown any interest until now and Steve couldn’t help but worry about laying all this on him. He avoids telling Bucky that this sort of thing has never actually happened before and that James really, by science terms, shouldn’t exist. He doesn’t want Bucky to see her as some sort of freak experiment.</p><p>“W-what happened to her?” Bucky finally asks, voice slightly choked. “The woman?”</p><p>Steve takes a breath. “They…they killed her, Buck,” he admits softly. He chances a glance at him.</p><p>There’s some sadness on his face and he looks contemplative. “I’m glad you found her,” he murmurs. “Before…” He trails off, but Steve knows he means before they realised James wasn’t as special as they’d hoped and got rid of her too.</p><p>“So am I,” Steve replies quietly. Finding James was horrifying and shocking, but also the best thing that ever happened to him. He still remembers that moment when they discovered she was Bucky’s daughter. He couldn’t find Bucky—he didn’t want to be found yet, he now knows—but he had this part of him, that he could love and care for, for his friend, and he knew his life would never be the same, but he welcomed it. It was the best choice he ever made, even if it barely felt like a choice because as soon as he knew, he knew he had to keep her.</p><p>James shuffles forward again, finally reaching Bucky’s hand and wraps one of her hands around his metal forefinger.</p><p>Bucky startles. Steve can see his surprise, but he doesn’t move an inch, letting James hold on. And then he reaches out slowly with his right hand and probably with the same strength he’d touch a mouse with, he ever so lightly touches her hair.</p><p>He looks somewhat fascinated as Steve sits there, holding his breath in awe and happiness.</p><p>Bucky moves his hand back. “It is like mine,” he murmurs.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Over the next two days, Bucky spends a great deal of his time reading about plants. Steve tells him to put together a list for when they go shopping, so he does. He picks hardy plants that the internet says will be good for winter and will be okay being planted now in the kind of soil Steve has and he carefully writes down their names on his list.</p><p>It ends up being a pretty big list, but he figures he’ll pick the ones that are the nicest looking in person and see how many Steve wants to get.</p><p>He’s just really pleased Steve asked him to look at improving the garden. It gives him another thing to focus on and another way to take care of Steve. In spring they’ll be able to get more flowers and colourful things and Bucky’s happy about that, because Steve and James deserve to have pretty flowers to look at. Of course, Bucky then realises he just assumes he’ll still be here come spring, an idea that he finds makes him happy more so than anything else. He just never expected he’d be living a life here. He truly thought he was coming to say goodbye and then go away for his crimes. But Steve took care of that too. And any lingering doubts Bucky has about staying here, he pushes down. He wants to be here. He thinks Steve needed someone around. Someone who can actually talk back.</p><p>James is still spending a lot of her time screaming due to her teeth, so Steve’s busy a lot anyway, so it’s good Bucky has a task. His new books also arrive, so he has a few new things to read, and he has ones about gardening coming now too, and he spends his time cleaning up around the house, doing laundry, and generally being as helpful as he can. Steve always notices and always thanks him, so it feels even more worthwhile. It feels like they’re kind of a team. Just like how they used to be. It’s just the roles they’ve taken on are a little different now.</p><p>A couple of days later, Steve carries James into the kitchen where Bucky’s already making breakfast. James will have already had her bottle—Bucky’s memorised her schedule now and knows exactly when Steve feeds her. He also knows Steve always eats second.</p><p>“I made omelettes,” Bucky tells him as he glances over briefly from where he’s got the eggs folded in the pan. “With cheese and mushrooms.” The food at Steve’s is much better than what he was surviving on before. He’s already noticing that he’s gaining some weight. Steve often just appears throughout the day with a protein shake for him, so he has a sneaking suspicion that Steve’s been concerned about him, but it seems to be working. He feels healthier and stronger each day.</p><p>“Smells great, thanks,” Steve replies.</p><p>Bucky turns to serve the omelettes onto plates and glances up only to freeze. Then he feels a smile appear on his face. He didn’t notice when he glanced over before.</p><p>James is sitting in her high-chair in a white unicorn onesie—that’s what Steve told him they’re called—complete with iridescent horn sticking out from the hood and wings of the same material sticking out behind her arms.</p><p>Bucky stares at her and then she smiles at him and bangs her hands on the plastic tray part of her chair and says “Baaba”.</p><p>Bucky can’t help himself. He presses his lips together to keep from laughing as he puts the pan down and moves over to her and then reaches out to poke the horn. The horn is soft, stuffed with some kind of fabric.</p><p>James follows the movement, giving her quite the amusing cross-eyed look, before she lets out a shrill giggle.</p><p>“Are you sure there aren’t rules about dressing your kid up like this?” Bucky chuckles as he looks over at Steve, who’s watching them with a smile on his face.</p><p>“It’s adorable!” Steve protests with a grin.</p><p>Bucky lets out a soft laugh. “True,” he murmurs as James giggles at him again. “Someone seems happier,” he adds, turning back to the plates.</p><p>Steve nods as Bucky passes him his plate and a fork. “The tooth has finally made an appearance,” he beams.</p><p>“So no more crying?” Bucky could live without the crying, if he’s honest.</p><p>Steve lets out a sigh. “Well…not until the next one. Or just, you know, general crying.” He shrugs, chewing on a mouthful of eggs. “But I can deal with a hungry cry. I hate hearing her cry because she’s in pain.”</p><p>“It definitely sounds worse,” Bucky agrees, leaning on the counter as he eats his own omelette. He’s noticed the differences in the crying. Teeth-hurting crying is house-rattling shrieking. Hungry crying just sounds a little fussy.</p><p>“Anyway, we’re all ready and dressed to go to the garden centre if you want to?” Steve offers, before making an ‘mmm’ noise as he eats.</p><p>“Yeah?” Bucky looks over, suddenly excited. He really wants to go and find all the plants he’s written down and see what they’re like in real life, but he didn’t want to bug Steve about it. But he can see now that Steve does look ready to go, with a thin knit blue sweater on instead of the usual shirts he favours around the house. It looks good on him, bringing out the nice blue of his eyes even more, even if it does look a tiny bit small for him.</p><p>“I, um, actually have a sort of surprise for you as well,” Steve adds, sounding a little nervous, as he finishes his food and puts his fork down, before getting up and moving over to a drawer.</p><p>Bucky watches him, wondering what this is about.</p><p>“This is for you,” Steve announces, passing him over a medium-sized white envelope.</p><p>Bucky frowns at it as he eats his last forkful of food and then opens it, shaking the content out onto the counter. A few plastic cards fall out, along with a couple of pieces of paper. He picks up a card to find it’s a bank card and then the other, to see it’s got his picture on.</p><p>“I asked Tony to pull some things together for you. So you have your own money and ID,” Steve explains.</p><p>Bucky looks at the ID more closely. “Barney Buchanan?” he squints at it in disbelief.</p><p>“What?” Steve squawks, grabbing the card and looking at it. He lets out a big, long-suffering sigh. “Tony thinks he’s so amusing,” he glowers. He sighs and passes it back. “I’m sorry, Buck. Tony said he’d have to use a fake name, but I thought he’d just use a different surname or something.” His jaw twitches like it so often does when he’s annoyed. “I’ll get him to change it,” he promises.</p><p>Bucky shrugs. “It’s okay. I won’t use it a lot anyway, right?”</p><p>Steve frowns a little. “I guess not.”</p><p>“So the name doesn’t really matter,” Bucky decides. It’s kind of nice, to have ID again, no matter the name. It makes him feel a little more real. He’s been a ghost for so long, but the little card has his picture on.</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Bucky puts the card down. “Thanks for doing this.” He pauses for a moment. “So whose money is it?” he asks, touching the bank card.</p><p>“It’s yours,” Steve tells him, then backs down at Bucky’s look. “Okay, well, technically it’s from my account, but you’re owed all your military pay, but we can’t get that because obviously we aren’t really advertising the fact that you’re alive or here to anyone, so it really <em>is</em> yours, what you deserve, even if it’s not from them, technically,” he rushes out.</p><p>Bucky thinks about that. He supposes that’s true. And he knows Steve knows he hasn’t liked using his money and it’s kind of adorable that he tried to fix it, even though he’ll literally still be using Steve’s money. He huffs in amusement and Steve frowns, looking confused. “Thanks,” Bucky states, finding Steve a little too adorable for doing this, for trying at least. “So I can get the plants today?”</p><p>Steve’s concern changes to a little pleased look. “Exactly!” he exclaims. “And we can get you setup online later so you can keep track and everything.”</p><p>“Aiiie!” James squeaks out, startling them both.</p><p>Steve gets that fond loving look he always does as he looks over. “See? Everyone’s excited,” he grins.</p><p>“Well let’s go then,” Bucky smiles softly, meeting Steve’s eyes for a moment. He wonders if a hug would be appropriate, but Steve’s already moving. He tries to push down his disappointment as Steve lifts James up and tries not to wish that attention was on him.</p><p>It’s far too weird to be jealous of a baby.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you everyone who's reading this, I hope you're enjoying it 💜 I'm so excited for the things yet to come.</p><p>Speaking of...next up, chapter ten...oh chapter ten how I love you. We've got a trip to the garden centre where something kinda big happens, we've got visitors coming, and we've got our guys ACTUALLY TALKING and some major cuteness 😵 SO excited to share with you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. if my wishes came true</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A trip to the garden centre, a dinner, and a night-time.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The thing is, while Bucky has a new identity and isn’t generally recognisable anyway, Steve is.</p><p>They’re about twenty minutes into their plant-buying trip when a woman, who looks to be around forty, and her teenage daughter come up to him, asking for a picture, apparently not fooled by his disguise of a navy cap on his head. He can hear Nat laughing at him in his head as he tries to graciously say hello.</p><p>It’s no secret that he’s retired, but James isn’t common knowledge whatsoever and Steve wants to keep it that way. Luckily, Bucky seems to sense that and smoothly takes the stroller, wheeling her away, along with their cart of plants. The women are far too concerned with getting a picture to really notice and when they do ask, Steve says it’s his friend’s baby and leaves it at that. It’s funny because it’s technically true.</p><p>The women are very polite and kind, so Steve doesn’t begrudge the interruption too much, but it does take time. Once he finally excuses himself, he has to trawl through the store trying to find Bucky and James.</p><p>He eventually locates them in the outside area in a corner, and in no way was he prepared for what he finds.</p><p>Bucky’s looking like he’s trying to be invisible, and James…James is in his arms.</p><p>He’s holding her against his chest, the same way Steve does, bouncing her, and looking like he’s urging her to not cry. Steve can see her upset face, but she seems to be sniffling, the way she does when she gets a bit fussy more than anything.</p><p>It’s the first time Bucky’s held her and for a moment Steve is just stunned. They haven’t spotted him yet and he can’t help just watching them for a moment, drinking it in.</p><p>Bucky looks drastically terrified, like James is a bomb he’s trying to disarm or something, but he keeps bouncing her gently, clearly being extremely careful with his metal arm, and he brushes his right hand over her hair carefully, evidently trying to soothe her the same way he’s seen Steve do it. And it’s obviously working. James is settling down as Steve watches. She even reaches out and grabs a fistful of Bucky’s hair. It probably hurts, but Bucky doesn’t even wince. He just lets her hold it, all the while murmuring things at her, but with wide, worried eyes.</p><p>Steve has to swallow down tears threatening to come up. It’s just incredible, seeing them together this way. It’s all he’s wanted for so long—first just wanting Bucky home and wanting James to meet her father, but he’s been so hopeful that Bucky will come to love her the way he does and seeing Bucky holding her makes Steve feel overwhelmed. It’s beautiful. It’s exactly how things are supposed to be. Steve loves James more than he could ever put into words and just as Bucky realised, he never wants to lose her, but he’d happily share. He longs for it in fact—the idea of Bucky being a father to her as well is everything he could ever want.</p><p>It’s also completely adorable, because James is in her unicorn outfit, so they look even cuter together. Sadly, before he can snap a quick photo of them, Bucky notices him. Steve has to try to bring himself back down and look calm, as Bucky’s eyes widen.</p><p>Steve heads over to them, James reaching out a hand towards him, looking excited to see him, which always makes Steve die a little with happiness.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Bucky says instantly, already holding her out to pass over to Steve.</p><p>Steve would love to just ignore the gesture, to keep Bucky holding her for as long as possible, but he takes her.</p><p>“She started crying and I didn’t know what to do. People were looking at me and I know when you pick her up, sometimes she calms down, so I thought…” Bucky rambles and Steve knows he has to put a stop to this.</p><p>“It’s okay, Buck, you did great,” he tries to reassure him with an encouraging smile. James has fully settled, so he puts her back down in her stroller, strapping her in and making sure she has her little stuffed toy rabbit to play with. “You know that I trust you with James, right?” Steve says gently, because he doesn’t want Bucky to feel like he can’t pick her up whenever he wants.</p><p>Bucky looks like he maybe doesn’t know that and Steve feels awful. “Um, I guess?” he offers.</p><p>Steve lets out a breath and runs a hand through his hair. “Of course I do. You know you can pick her up whenever you want, I don’t mind. I would love it in fact,” he admits.</p><p>Bucky looks down, falling silent for a few moments. “But we agreed, she’s yours,” he finally states, quietly.</p><p>Steve can’t help letting out a small sigh. “I know that, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t yours too, you know. I love that you didn’t want to take her from me, but you know that doesn’t mean you can’t be involved too,” he tries to gently explain, feeling like maybe he should have said this before.</p><p>Bucky stays looking down. “I…okay,” he says finally.</p><p>“Okay,” Steve repeats, feeling a little relief. It’s not the most enthusiastic response, but it’s a start.</p><p>“Um, I was going to look at Acers,” Bucky says, changing the subject, and Steve figures he shouldn’t push more today.</p><p>“Okay, lead the way,” he says, throwing on a smile. He leans down to kiss James’ forehead, because she’s been such a good girl, calming right down.</p><p>Bucky watches him with an odd little look on his face and then nods and wheels the cart away while Steve follows with the stroller, trying to stay hopeful about what just happened.</p><p>He feels like they’ve taken a step in the right direction at least.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>It turns out Steve was wrong. Over the next week, Bucky seems to retreat into himself. He spends the vast majority of his time in the garden and whenever Steve offers to help, Bucky always says it’s fine. It’s not quite him saying no, but it feels like a dismissal. Steve hopes it’s just because Bucky’s enjoying gardening, but it seems like more than that.</p><p>Whenever he’s not in the garden, he’s reading quietly. He’s even backed off from helping so much around the house, instead spending more time in the bath or just sleeping. He thanks Steve when he makes him food and makes small talk, but generally he’s much more quiet and introverted than he has been.</p><p>And Steve just can’t figure out why. He thought they’d been doing well. Bucky had been smiling more and Steve had got him doing the things he liked, like being outside, but now he just seems sad and withdrawn.</p><p>Steve starts to think maybe it’s him. Maybe he’s upset Bucky in some way? And he’s not sure what else to do, and that’s how he ends up offering the dinner invitation Nat requested to her and Sam for that Friday. He just feels like he needs their support and advice. When he calls to invite them, he explains how he’s a little worried about Bucky, just so they’re aware, and now, here he is, trying to finish up the pot roast he’s made for them.</p><p>Bucky’s dutifully setting the table in the dining room, returning when it’s all setup, while Steve mixes the salad he’s made. Bucky’s got his hair tied back in his normal messy bun and he’s wearing the black jeans they bought that haven’t really made an appearance until now, along with his green long-sleeved henley. Steve can even make out a faint hint of glitter where the shirt exposes his neck, so he knows Bucky used one of his bath bombs today. It’s kind of sweet, how he’s seemed to dress up. Of course, it also means Steve can barely stop staring at him. He’s just this perfect gorgeous-looking creature, and even though it still fucks with Steve’s mind a little to see Bucky dressed in modern clothes with that long hair instead of his slicked back favoured style from before, he can’t help but be floored by him. Bucky’s stunning, whatever he’s wearing.</p><p>The doorbell goes at exactly seven.</p><p>“Buck, do you want to grab the wine glasses?” he requests, not wanting to overwhelm Bucky straight away. “I’ll go let them in.”</p><p>Bucky nods and heads to the cabinet as Steve wipes his hands off on a cloth and then heads for the front door. He hopes this goes well. He hopes maybe his friends can get Bucky to come out of his shell a little, or maybe help him figure out what’s wrong.</p><p>He hadn’t really realised how much he’s needed his friends until he sees them there and he swoops them both up into a big hug.</p><p>“Hello to you too,” Sam chuckles, patting him on the back, while Nat gives him a little squeeze and starts detangling herself.</p><p>“I’m so glad you’re here,” Steve tells them as he pulls back, Sam handing him a bottle of wine as he does.</p><p>“Been too long. And I bet you’re gonna tell me my little Jaime’s sleeping, aren’t you?” Sam complains as they step into the house.</p><p>Steve gives him an apologetic grin. “She is. I’m sure she’ll wake up at some point though.”</p><p>They close the door behind them as Bucky walks into the dining room, putting wine glasses down on the table. He looks nervous as he looks over at them and then walks through the living room towards them.</p><p>“Hey man, I’m Sam,” Sam says in his friendly way, already heading over and offering his hand out.</p><p>Bucky reaches out cautiously and shakes it with his right. “I remember,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry about your wing,” he adds as they let go.</p><p>Sam looks surprised that he brought that up, but then waves his hand. “Don’t give that another thought.”</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky replies softly, and Steve just can’t get over the change. He was always a sweetheart, but he’s so reserved and unsure these days. There’s none of that bravado that Steve used to envy, none of the easy confidence that used to pour off of him.</p><p>“Hello, Bucky,” Nat smiles over at him.</p><p>“Hello,” he replies, looking over, stepping back a little from Sam. “Should I, um, pour drinks?” he offers.</p><p>“Oh, yeah, that would be great, thanks, Buck,” Steve replies, remembering the bottle in his hand. “Here, Sam brought this over,” he says as he moves to Bucky to pass him it. “You guys take off your coats and make yourself at home like you usually do,” he comments with a grin. “I’ll just check on the food.”</p><p>Bucky follows him, heading to get the bottle opener and then focuses intently on opening the wine. He then goes in and out, pouring drinks and taking the salad in and helping in a way that seems to keep him from being left alone with Nat and Sam, Steve notices.</p><p>Eventually they get everything through to the dining room and all settle down to eat.</p><p>Steve can’t help worrying about Bucky, but while he stays mainly quiet, he answers things politely as Sam and Nat make an effort to include him, like when Sam asks him about the books he’s been reading. For Steve, it’s just nice to hear Bucky talk for longer than he has been lately, and he finds himself so grateful to his friends as they get more out of Bucky than he’s managed to for what feels like ages.</p><p>“I, um, meant to thank you,” Bucky speaks up, sometime during dessert—a cheesecake that they bought rather than made. He’s looking at Nat when Steve looks up. “For the bath things. It was very kind of you,” he tells her, an attempt at a smile on his face.</p><p>“You’re very welcome,” Nat replies, a pleased look on her face. “Steve mentioned it and he doesn’t have a clue about these things so I picked some out that I thought you might like.”</p><p>Bucky smiles a little shyly, looking down. “I do like them. Thank you,” he says again.</p><p>“Steve said you’ve been actually planting things in the backyard?” Nat continues, voice curious, even though of course she knows all about it, because Steve’s told her.</p><p>Bucky glances up. “Yeah, just a few things. It’s…I like being outside,” he explains, a contented look on his face now.</p><p>Steve looks over at Sam who gives him a sympathetic look when Bucky’s not looking. Of course he instantly understands that too.</p><p>“I’d love to see it,” Nat says, the request obviously her way to try and get to know Bucky more.</p><p>Bucky looks a little surprised, but puts down his fork. “Um, sure…do you want to see now?” he offers, looking a little flustered, but there’s an edge of excitement in his voice.</p><p>“Love to,” Nat smiles kindly, already getting up. “We’ll leave these two to get on with the dishes,” she smirks, and Bucky seems to try and hide a smile at that.</p><p>Nat gives Steve a look as she lets Bucky lead her to the kitchen to go outside. Steve frowns a little back. He doesn’t want Bucky to feel cornered. But then Nat always seems to know what she’s doing and he knows Bucky’s proud of his garden, so it’ll be nice for him to show it off a little.</p><p>“So…he seems to be doing okay?” Sam comments as he starts helping Steve clear the table.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Steve shrugs, feeling a little lost. “He was doing well at dinner, but lately he’s just so quiet.” It seems to point even more to the problem being <em>him</em> if Bucky’s comfortable enough to speak to Nat and Sam. The idea of that makes Steve’s stomach twist.</p><p>“Maybe he’s working through something?” Sam muses, putting the dishes down on the counter in the kitchen. “I mean, the issues he must have are immense.”</p><p>Steve lets out a breath. He can’t even begin to imagine what Bucky deals with. Sometimes he doesn’t want to even think about it, because it hurts so much.</p><p>“Does he ever have nightmares?” Sam continues, starting to scrape leftover food from the plates into the garbage.</p><p>Steve pauses. That feels like something he should know, but he doesn’t and it makes him feel awful. “I-I don’t know. Not that I know of,” he admits. “I mean, I never hear him waking up scared or something, he usually sleeps pretty well.”</p><p>Sam looks thoughtful as he hands the dishes to Steve. “You know, have you considered getting him someone to talk to, like a therapist?” he suggests. “I know a few people.”</p><p>Steve starts putting the plates into the sink. “I don’t think he’d like that.” He can’t imagine Bucky being comfortable talking to a stranger when he’s barely comfortable talking to Steve.</p><p>Sam takes Steve’s lack of enthusiasm in his stride. “Still…worth asking?”</p><p>Steve supposes he could suggest it. But not yet. “I just wanted him to settle in here first.” He sort of hopes that Bucky being here with him and James will somehow make everything better, even though he knows that’s a stupid wish.</p><p>“Well, don’t leave it too long. Unless you want to try to talk to him about whatever’s bothering him yourself?” Sam continues.</p><p>Steve rubs his hand over his face. It’s not that he hasn’t thought about just coming out and asking Bucky what’s wrong. It sounds so simple, but he’s scared that if he pushes too much, that Bucky will just leave. “I just don’t want to push him too far about things he’s not ready to talk about,” he explains to Sam. He feels like he’s walking a tightrope, careful not to move too far either way.</p><p>“Maybe then you just need to put the offer out there? That he can talk to you or look into a therapist, if he wants to?” Sam muses. “No pressure. Just letting him know he doesn’t have to deal with anything alone anymore.”</p><p>Steve sighs, pouring Sam the last of the wine, thinking it over, wondering when talking to his best friend became so terrifying. But he needs to do something. “I’ll try,” he promises Sam.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>“This is really looking beautiful,” Natasha comments as she looks at the garden.</p><p>Bucky’s glad she likes it. He’s been working hard on it. Especially lately, when all he wants to do is be on his own and the garden is the perfect place for it. He thinks it’s coming along nicely and looks so much better than the plain fenced in grass it was before. The areas he’s planted look vibrant and alive, mainly green in colour, but with reds in there too. Some of them smell nice if you get close to them, so Bucky likes to do that when he’s out here working. It’s relaxing and peaceful and beautiful, which is something he hasn’t had in a long time, if ever. And it feels important to him—that it’s him looking after the plants, making sure they stay alive, taking care of them.</p><p>“Thank you,” he tells her genuinely. It’s strange how nice she is and how different to the Black Widow she really is. He almost expected her to turn up in full leather, even though she didn’t last time, but she arrived in simple blue jeans and a cream knit sweater and she really seems interested in what he’s saying. He points out to her what each plant is as they wander along near the fence. He read up on all of them and explains a little about why he chose them as well. Steve let him get these little solar lights that go in the ground and light up at night having stored energy from the sun, so while it’s a little dark out now, Natasha can still see most of his plants because Bucky set the lights up to show them off nicely.</p><p>He can feel her eyes on him a lot as they amble along, like she’s studying him more than the garden though.</p><p>“I think I want to add more flowers when it’s the right weather,” he mentions, just for something to say, wrapping his arms around himself as he walks. He thinks in springtime the garden will look really pretty and he’ll be able to add more to it.</p><p>Natasha stops in front of his favourite, an Acer, with reddish leaves, almost the same colour as her hair. “Steve’s really happy you’re here,” she says, tone light, a careful look on her face.</p><p>Bucky looks away, glancing towards the house. So this is why she wanted to come out here. So she could talk about Steve, maybe warn him off or tell him to go. He feels a little despair run through him. “I know,” he replies.</p><p>“You know he’d do anything for you,” she continues offhand.</p><p>Bucky waits for the blow, the ‘you need to get out, you’re no good for him’ speech.</p><p>But all she does is turn to look at him, her hair swishing behind her as she does. “You don’t need to be afraid to ask him for anything you need.”</p><p>Bucky furrows his brow in confusion. He wasn’t expecting that and he doesn’t know what she means. “I…Steve’s given me everything I need,” he replies. He doesn’t like her implying that Steve would have done anything less. He’s the kindest person in the world.</p><p>She looks contemplative. “If you say so.” She doesn’t say anything else, just starts heading back to the house.</p><p>Bucky follows behind her, pondering on what she means, but also a little relieved that she didn’t tell him to go. He was nervous when Steve said his friends were visiting, even though Natasha already visited once, but he’s tried his best to be friendly, because he knows they’re important to Steve and he always wants to do what’s best for him. He feels that now and he knows he felt that way back in Brooklyn too.</p><p>They find Sam and Steve in the kitchen chatting. Sam’s sitting on the stool Bucky usually sits on and he tries to keep his face neutral, even though he finds it sort of annoys him. Steve’s eyes brighten as they land on him and Bucky feels a little warm glow as he meets his gaze.</p><p>“So, I was thinking,” Natasha announces as Bucky closes the door behind them and locks it, “Sam and I should stay over. That way we can spend some time with James in the morning, give you a bit of a break.”</p><p>Bucky makes sure he doesn’t react, even though he doesn’t like the idea of them staying the night. It’s already taking all his energy, having them here. But Natasha doesn’t say things like a request.</p><p>“Oh you don’t have to do that,” Steve replies, a sweet look on his face, and Bucky internally agrees with him.</p><p>“It’s not optional,” Natasha replies, tone firm. “Sam hasn’t seen James in too long,” she says, staring over at Sam.</p><p>Sam’s face sort of twitches, but then he sits up a little straighter. “Nat’s right. I miss my Jaime. We can spend the day tomorrow so papa bear here can get some sleep. No offense, but you’re looking kinda rough,” he grins at Steve.</p><p>Steve rolls his eyes, as Bucky takes note of their playful teasing. They’re obviously very close. Bucky’s not sure how he feels about that.</p><p>“Thanks for that,” Steve huffs. “You’re not too busy?”</p><p>“Nope,” Sam shakes his head, while Natasha smiles.</p><p>Bucky looks at the floor, trying to keep his discomfort about this to himself. It’s Steve’s house, after all. If he wants his friends to stay, Bucky doesn’t get to have a say in it. He’ll just have to do his best to pull on his happy face.</p><p>“I know the room situation is a little different now, but maybe Bucky wouldn’t mind if I stay in his room?” Natasha continues like she’s thinking out loud.</p><p>Bucky kind of does mind, but he feels her eyes on him and lifts his eyes to her, keeping his face neutral and shakes his head. “That’s fine.”</p><p>“Thank you, that’s very generous,” she says, giving him a warm smile. “Sam can take the couch and you two can share Steve’s room,” she decides.</p><p>Bucky sees Steve frowning at her for a moment.</p><p>“Anyway, how about a movie before bed,” she suggests before anyone can argue, already heading for the living room.</p><p>Sam shrugs and follows after her, sliding off Bucky’s stool. “Sounds like a plan.”</p><p>Steve doesn’t follow, waiting for Bucky. “Are you okay with this?” he asks quietly, before they leave the room. “I can ask them to go, it’s not a problem.”</p><p>As much as Bucky kind of does want that, he shakes his head. “They’re your friends, Steve, it’s fine.”</p><p>It sort of is fine.</p><p>They watch a movie—a comedy that Bucky doesn’t really follow—with Natasha and Sam on the big couch and him and Steve squished onto the smaller one.</p><p>Bucky spends most of it hyper aware of Steve’s warm leg pressed against his and decides that he’d be happy to watch twenty movies if it meant they could stay there. Steve’s presence next to him is just warm and comforting and Bucky’s been missing being touched so badly that he’s still feeling jealous of James, because Steve’s always hugging her and never him. He knows that’s wrong and stupid, but he can’t seem to stop feeling that way. So he takes the moment for what it is—the best he’s gonna get—and tries not to move a muscle, just letting himself feel, all the while wishing he could rest his head on Steve’s shoulder.</p><p>When the movie’s over and Natasha announces it’s bedtime, Bucky sort of hates her. But he goes to put the clean dishes away while Steve potters around being the host, getting fresh sheets for Bucky’s room and setting up the couch for Sam, until finally everyone’s settled and all that’s left is to head to Steve’s room. Bucky heads up, saying a quick goodnight to Steve’s guests as he does, before using the bathroom and brushing his teeth, as Steve finishes up saying a longer goodnight to Sam and Natasha and checking on James.</p><p>It sounds really weird when Bucky thinks about it, but he’s never actually seen Steve’s room. He’s never needed to go in there and he’s sort of assumed Steve wants it to be his private space, because he’s never offered to show him either.</p><p>It turns out there’s nothing special to it.</p><p>Just a large bed in the middle, opposite the door, with a simple blue and white bedspread, windows that overlook the backyard, and basic furniture like a dresser and nightstands, similar to Bucky’s room. In fact the dresser seems to be identical. There’s a nice blue woven rug at the foot of the bed and matching cream-coloured lamps on either side on the bedside tables. There’s also a door on the left, which Bucky assumes is a closet as Steve’s never mentioned having his own bathroom. He peeks in to find he’s right and Steve’s got all his clothes hanging up neatly in there.</p><p>He closes the closet door as he hears Steve saying goodnight to Natasha down the hall, and he moves back to stand near the door as he hears Steve’s footsteps.</p><p>“Hey,” Steve says as he walks in. He passes Bucky his sleeping clothes, which he must have just taken from his room. “Nat says thanks again,” he murmurs, as Bucky takes the clothes from him. “James is still sleeping,” he adds.</p><p>“That’s good,” Bucky replies, putting his clothes on the bed for a moment. “Do you have an extra blanket?” he asks. He figures he’ll sleep on the left side of the floor, because there’s a little more room there.</p><p>“Huh?” Steve frowns as he makes his way over to the dresser.</p><p>“For me?” Bucky clarifies. “For the floor?”</p><p>Steve looks over at him, frowning. “The floor? You’re not sleeping on the floor,” he says, sounding confused. “I’ll take the floor.”</p><p>Bucky can’t help frowning back at him. “I’ve had worse, it’s okay.” The blanket seemed like a luxury to him to be honest, but he supposes he’s gotten used to nice things already, being at Steve’s.</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous,” Steve argues. He pauses then and seems to be thinking. “Look, we can just share, it’s a big bed, we used to share before.”</p><p>Bucky should probably argue that, seeing as they were kids before, but he doesn’t. A shared bed sounds better than no bed to him. “Okay,” he shrugs. He reaches for the t-shirt he’s been sleeping in, the soft grey one that’s a bit baggy on him, and starts pulling off the henley he has on.</p><p>Steve looks a little like he didn’t expect that response, but then nods jerkily. “I’m just gonna go brush my teeth,” he comments, grabbing some clothes quickly and taking them with him.</p><p>Bucky already did that, so while Steve’s gone, once he’s dressed in his pyjama pants too, he pulls the curtains shut and decides to climb into bed, picking the right side because the left nightstand has a book on it, so Bucky assumes that’s the side Steve sleeps on. He sinks his head into the pillow, noticing how much it smells like Steve, but in a good way, he thinks. It feels like the smell of home to him somehow.</p><p>He’s already turned to face away from Steve’s side of the bed when he hears Steve return. He joins Bucky in bed after a few moments, flicking off the main light as he goes, the whole bed sinking a little as he clambers in.</p><p>“Night, Buck,” he says softly, fussing with the covers a little before stilling.</p><p>“Night,” Bucky replies and he closes his eyes and tries to sleep.</p><p>But he finds that he can’t. The bed is comfy and it’s quiet and he feels safe, but he can’t get to sleep, and he realises, it’s because Steve’s there. Because he can feel the warmth of him even though they aren’t touching, can hear his even breathing even as he himself tries not to make a sound, and somehow being so close only highlights further for Bucky how far apart they are and how much he wants Steve to be touching him.</p><p>He lies there for ages and he can’t think of anything else. He turns gently, thinking maybe he’ll have better luck sleeping on his back, and finds Steve’s facing the other way, so he can just see the outline of the back of him. He stares up at the ceiling and tries to will himself to sleep, but at this point it’s now a longing. And he starts to think—maybe even just the smallest touch would help. He just wants to feel something human. To make him feel human himself.</p><p>He’s certain Steve is asleep as he thinks about it for a long time. Maybe he could just reach out and put his hand on Steve’s arm. He’s got the covers tucked under his armpit, so his arm is out there uncovered from where his t-shirt ends and if Bucky just rested his hand there, he’s sure Steve wouldn’t notice. Maybe just for a little while, maybe it would help him feel okay.</p><p>He can’t stop thinking about it.</p><p>He finally does it. He reaches out carefully with his right hand and ever so gently places it halfway between Steve’s shoulder and elbow. His skin is so warm and alive, that’s the first thing Bucky feels, and it feels amazing to touch someone else’s skin, to feel it against his own, even in this tiny way.</p><p>But then Steve moves.</p><p>“Buck?” his voice whispers, tone curious.</p><p>Bucky snatches his hand away. He was so sure Steve was asleep, god, he would never have done that if he hadn’t been sure. He rolls to face the other way again, mortified. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” he tries. He doesn’t know how to explain himself.</p><p>He feels Steve shifting, turning so he’s facing Bucky’s back. “Bucky, what is it?” he asks softly. “You can tell me.”</p><p>“No,” Bucky says the word without meaning to.</p><p>Steve’s quiet for a few moments, while Bucky wishes he could melt into the mattress, because he’s so ashamed. “You can tell me anything, you know that,” he finally says gently. “Did you need something? Were you trying to wake me?”</p><p>That would be a good excuse to latch onto, but Bucky doesn’t. He just doesn’t want to lie to Steve. But he doesn’t want to tell him either.</p><p>He hears Steve let out a small sigh that sounds like frustration. “You can’t keep everything down inside,” he tells Bucky gently. “It’s not good for you.” He pauses before continuing. “You know you can talk to me about anything. Or we could find someone else for you to talk to?” he offers, voice soft.</p><p>Bucky still doesn’t say anything. Can’t. He knows what will happen if he tells him. Steve will probably touch him, maybe a hug or something, but it will be because Bucky made him, not because he wants to, and Bucky doesn’t want that. Steve’s done so much for him and he doesn’t owe Bucky a single thing. He’s lived like this for forever anyway, he can keep doing it, even if it makes him feel closed off and cold and just desperately lonely every day.</p><p>“Please, Buck?” Steve utters finally when Bucky still doesn’t reply.</p><p>God, Bucky hates that tone. He feels powerless when Steve asks him for anything in that pleading tone and he knows he’s going to break, but he hates himself for it. He stays facing away. “I just…” he starts, forcing himself to speak. “No one’s touched me in years, not in a good way,” he finally admits, words quiet. “I mean, you hugged me that first day I got here and I liked it, and…and when I panicked…but you don’t do that anymore, and it’s fine, you don’t have to, of course,” he babbles, “but I just…I miss being touched,” he lets the words go, feeling open and hollow, chiselled away. “I know it’s stupid…”</p><p>He feels Steve shift. “It’s not stupid, Buck,” he says, voice coated with utter sadness, but somehow not sounding pitying.</p><p>And then Bucky feels the bed dip a little more and Steve’s arm coming round to rest over his waist.</p><p>He freezes, panicking. “You don’t have to—”</p><p>“I want to,” Steve cuts him off and then his body’s up against Bucky’s back, his arm tightening its hold on him. “I miss it too,” Steve tells him and for all Bucky’s worry, the only thing he can hear in Steve’s voice is pure honesty and even longing there too.</p><p>Bucky feels like all the air’s left his body. He feels overwhelmed, feeling Steve’s warm body against his and the way his arm circles him, holding him close, so easily, not even seeming to care that he’s touching Bucky’s left arm too.</p><p>After a moment of tension, of feeling like he’s on a cliff edge, Bucky just lets go. He sinks into the hold, holding down the choked noise that suddenly appears in his throat. He grips onto Steve’s arm with his right hand, blinking back tears, letting himself feel every point of contact between them and how it makes him feel like he’s been brought back to life. He finds he even likes how he can feel Steve’s warm breath against his neck.</p><p>“Thank you, Steve,” he manages to choke out. It’s not enough, but it’s all he can manage to say right now as he tries to hold himself together.</p><p>Steve gives him a squeeze in return, pressing in even closer, as he whispers against his neck. “I needed it too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED 😮</p><p>I really hope I didn't hype this chapter too much and that you enjoyed it! I feel like a lot happened and then eiiii a big step forward at the end 😊 </p><p>Thank you so much for your comments, I love hearing from you all 😍</p><p>Up next...the morning after (lol) and some heart to hearts.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. marked me like a bloodstain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The day after the night before, and heart to hearts.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky manages to get about three hours sleep in the end. Once he was in Steve’s arms, he didn’t want to sleep at first. He just wanted to feel it, to be held and know that it was someone who cared about him. He knows that it’s pathetic and he also knows it’s not a thing that men do, but then he always remembers him and Steve being tactile with one another, so maybe it’s always been a little different for them. Either way, it just felt right and felt like something that’s been aching in him for a long, long time has gone away.</p>
<p>And Steve didn’t move once.</p>
<p>He stayed there, wrapped around Bucky all night, and he’s still there as Bucky blinks his eyes awake that morning. He registers the feeling of Steve still there straight away, arms still round him, and registers how hot they both are too, but he can’t bring himself to care about that, but then he notices the clock.</p>
<p>He shifts, a little worried, the movement making Steve stir.</p>
<p>“Wha…?” Steve mumbles, voice sleepy, as he pulls back a little.</p>
<p>“Steve, it’s really late and you haven’t fed James,” Bucky tells him, voice a little croaky, finally breaking the touch between them as he rolls to face Steve, breaking his hold, even though he doesn’t want to. He’s a little concerned that neither of them heard her crying, which she must have been doing.</p>
<p>Steve blinks and looks blearily at the clock on the nightstand, which says it’s just after eleven in the morning. He groans and falls back onto his back, stretching out his arms. “Don’t worry about it, Buck,” he replies, a little sleepily. “When Nat’s here she always goes in and takes care of James so I can sleep in,” he explains.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Bucky replies, a little surprised. That’s nice of her. He’s come to realise that Natasha is a lot kinder than he ever thought she’d be. He has vague memories of her, thinks he maybe knew her once or knew of her at least, but those memories don’t match up with the woman who sent him bath things and said nice things about his garden.</p>
<p>Steve seems to wake up properly then, turning to face Bucky. There’s enough light coming in through the curtains that they can see each other clearly and Bucky feels exposed all of a sudden. Asking for what he asked for yesterday was hard enough then, when he was in the dark, hidden, but now…now he has to face it in daylight and suddenly it feels like too much. He feels fragile, broken apart.</p>
<p>“Did you sleep okay?” Steve asks.</p>
<p>Bucky looks somewhere around Steve’s shoulder to avoid his eyes, as he nods. “I…I’m sorry about—”</p>
<p>Steve shakes his head. “Buck, don’t,” he cuts him off. “I should have realised.” He sounds like he feels guilty as he sighs and rolls a little so he’s more on his back. “I just didn’t want to overwhelm you.” He glances over at Bucky, who risks meeting his eyes and only finds kindness in them. “If I’m honest,” Steve starts, looking at the ceiling as his face turns a little red as he speaks, “I’ve wanted to hug you every day since you got here.”</p>
<p>Bucky takes in those words, paired with the shy look on his best friend’s face. He can’t help the little awed smile that appears on his own face. “Really?” He feels strangely glowy and warm inside to hear that. To know that Steve didn’t just hold him last night because he felt obligated, but because he wanted to too. Because maybe he needs that comfort just as much as Bucky does. “I-I know it’s not a thing guys do, but I remember…we were always different to that, weren’t we?” Bucky questions boldly, feeling brave and almost a little giddy. He doesn’t think he’s felt anything resembling giddy in decades, if ever.</p>
<p>Steve looks over and Bucky can’t really interpret the look on his face, but he seems happy. “We were,” he agrees. “And we can do whatever we like, as long as we’re both happy, that’s what matters, right?” he adds, looking at Bucky expectantly.</p>
<p>Bucky nods, biting his lip a little. He likes the idea of that—of them making their own rules for them, doing what suits them best.</p>
<p>Steve looks up at the ceiling again, looking deep in thought. “Plus, these days men aren’t as reserved with things like that like they were in our day.” He pauses for a moment and then glances at Bucky again. “You know, men can marry other men now? At least some places.”</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help the way his eyes widen. “Wow,” he muses, lying back, looking at the ceiling too as he takes that in. “I think I read something about that, but I didn’t really think it was true.” He tries not to let himself be surprised by the way the world’s changed and just go with the flow, but some things still do surprise him. He ponders it for a moment, while Steve stays besides him, silent. “I think that’s really nice,” he finally realises out loud.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Steve questions, sounding pleased. “So do I.”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles to himself, feeling Steve smiling next to him as they both lie next to each other, watching the ceiling. He suddenly feels very open and free. Probably because he’s been holding things inside for a while and it’s nice that with Steve he can let them out. It’s amazing in fact, to know he has someone he can trust like that and to know he’s had that gift for almost his whole life. Steve’s never wavered. He’s been his friend through it all, even to his own detriment. Bucky’s got to be one of the luckiest people in the world.</p>
<p>“So if I want to hug you…” Bucky muses out loud, feeling brave still, but also feeling safe, “…I can just go ahead and do that?” He tries to keep his tone composed and collected even as his heart beats faster in his chest.</p>
<p>“Mmmhmm,” Steve hums happily. “But it’s a two-way street, buddy, don’t forget,” he adds, voice teasing now. “You might get sick of me,” he jokes.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles to himself, feeling better than he has in ages, a feeling of contentedness flowing over him. “I think I can live with that, pal.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s late, almost lunchtime, once Steve and Bucky finally get up and dressed.</p>
<p>Everything between them feels lighter, Steve thinks. He finally knows what’s been bothering Bucky and it turns out it’s something Steve’s been dying to give him. He knows it’s still only in friendship and nothing more—will never be anything more—but he’s fine with that. He’s lived so long with those feelings that they’re just a part of him now. He’s just glad Bucky wants him around and it’s him Bucky trusts to give him the affection he’s longed for. Steve tries to push down the fact that last night was one of the best nights of his life, that holding Bucky made him feel more real, more complete, than anything has in a long, long time.</p>
<p>They head downstairs together and find Sam and Nat in the kitchen, Sam feeding James a bottle.</p>
<p>“Finally, they appear!” Sam exclaims as he looks over.</p>
<p>Steve knows he’s only joking. Whenever either of them stay over, he always gets to sleep in and he’s thankful for that, as it doesn’t happen that often, what with them both being so busy. It’s not that he even really needs the sleep, not technically, but it’s still nice somehow, to have a morning free from responsibilities, once in a while.</p>
<p>“Hey, Jaime, have you been a good girl?” Steve can’t help cooing as he moves closer, smiling at the sweet little angel in Sam’s arms, dressed in the cute bird print onesie Sam bought for her. “Uncle Sammy been looking after you?”</p>
<p>Nat huffs. “Oh yeah, take all the glory,” she teases, looking at Sam who grins back. “I’m the one who changed her.”</p>
<p>Steve chuckles, looking over at her gratefully.</p>
<p>She gives him a look back—a look that says she clearly knows something, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead she offers him a cup of coffee. “Bucky, how do you take yours?” she asks, looking over to him.</p>
<p>Bucky’s been standing watching their exchange and, as always, seems a little startled to be included. “Oh, um, with a little milk please,” he requests politely, and Steve suddenly misses the ladies’ man he used to be. He can imagine Bucky making some crack about the coffee not needing sugar because Nat’s sweet enough. He misses that side of him, he realises, even though back then he always wished it was him being flirted with. But he has to remind himself that Bucky’s been through a lot and he can’t be that same person anymore. The carefree confidence of his youth seems gone. Steve wishes it wasn’t, but he supposes, just like Nat said, he’s not the same person he was back then anymore either. Too much has happened.</p>
<p>“So, do I get to see the new garden too?” Sam interrupts Steve’s thoughts, as Bucky sips his coffee.</p>
<p>“Um, sure, I-if you like?” Bucky replies, eyes showing his slight surprise.</p>
<p>Steve smiles gratefully at Sam for taking an interest as he takes James from him for a morning hug when she’s finished her bottle. She shrieks happily at him, giving him one of her smiles that breaks his heart every time.</p>
<p>“Hey there, sweetheart,” Steve murmurs to her, pressing a kiss to her forehead while Bucky moves towards the garden doors and Sam follows, both taking their coffee with them.</p>
<p>Bucky glances at Steve for a moment and Steve smiles, hopefully encouragingly, before Bucky leads Sam outside, shutting the door behind them.</p>
<p>Steve turns and puts James into her high-chair, scattering out some blocks for her to play with on her tray. He’s confident Sam will be nothing but kind to Bucky and again figures it’s his way of trying to strike up the start of a friendship with him and he appreciates that Sam’s making the effort just like Nat.</p>
<p>“So,” Nat starts basically the moment they’re gone.</p>
<p>“So…?” Steve turns his head to look over at her.</p>
<p>“How was last night?” Her face is kind but also somehow knowing.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Steve asks, looking away, feeling a little flustered. Sometimes it really is disturbing how perceptive Nat is.</p>
<p>“I mean he seems better today. Calmer,” she states with an eyebrow raise.</p>
<p>Steve frowns at her. “How…I mean, what…”</p>
<p>Nat sighs, moving to pour herself another cup of coffee. “Look, I could see it. It was there in how he held himself and I just…I could recognise it.”</p>
<p>Steve watches her curiously. “You could?” He doesn’t want to betray Bucky’s confidence and say what they’re both not saying, but he thinks Nat knows. And if she could see it, why couldn’t he? Is he a bad friend to not have noticed?</p>
<p>“I’ve been there, Steve,” Nat tells him, giving him a meaningful look. “I grew up never knowing kindness. By the time I met people who were good to me, I didn’t even know I needed that human contact. It took me a long time to feel okay with it.” She puts her cup down as Steve takes that in. He feels desperately sad for her. “But Bucky…I could tell he’d had that before and that he longed for it. I just thought maybe I could give you a little push,” she adds with a small, slightly apologetic smile.</p>
<p>Steve lets out an exhale of breath. “Well, you were right,” he admits. He runs a hand through his hair. “I just thought I should give him space to adjust, I didn’t realise…” He trails off, feeling awful. His best friend in the whole world has been suffering and he just let him because he was too scared to push, thinking he might overwhelm him.</p>
<p>Nat shakes her head. “It would be hard to recognise if you didn’t know what you were looking at. Just remember going forward to try and look closer at his body language. He tells you a lot with it. Things he won’t say out loud.”</p>
<p>Steve nods along. He’s so grateful for her advice and the way she can read people. “I’ll try,” he promises. He’s sure he won’t be as good as Nat at it, but maybe he’ll be able to pick up on things Bucky doesn’t want to say.</p>
<p>“I think it’s smart though, that you haven’t told him yet,” Nat continues, taking a sip of coffee, and then picking up a stray block that James knocks to the floor. “He’s not ready for that right now.”</p>
<p>Steve furrows his brow. “Told him what?” he asks her, confused about what she means.</p>
<p>Nat meets his eyes, a sceptical look on her face, that then softens as she looks at him. “Steve,” she utters, tilting her head, as though waiting for him to admit something.</p>
<p>And that’s when Steve realises she knows. “I-I don’t…” he blabbers, flustered. He feels a little like she’s just dug her way into his soul.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” she says, voice understanding, face sympathetic. “You don’t have to hide it from me.”</p>
<p>Steve looks down. He knows it’s okay, he does…at least the whole in love with a man part. The whole in love with your best friend your whole life is probably more questionable. Steve takes a moment, not looking at her. He could deny it, pretend he doesn’t know what she means, but it’s something that’s been buried so deep inside of him and he suddenly finds he almost wants to say it. “I…I’m not ashamed,” he finally breaks. “I just…no one ever needed to know,” he admits, glancing over, waiting for her reaction.</p>
<p>Nat gives him a soft smile. “If it makes you feel better, I only figured it out once I saw you with him. I didn’t know before.”</p>
<p>Steve huffs a little. That just means he needs to be better at hiding it. He sighs, letting go. “I loved him as my friend all my life. I think it was when I was sixteen that I realised I loved him in another way too,” he finally admits. It feels strangely nice to say it out loud. He’s never told anyone. “But you don’t have to worry, it’s not something I’m ever going to tell him.” Telling Bucky is something that’s never been a possibility. Back then he knew it was hopeless—even if Bucky by some miracle felt that way about him, which he obviously didn’t, they would never have been able to be together anyway. And now…now he knows how much he needs Bucky here with him, he’ll never do anything to jeopardise that. Deep down he even knows that Bucky would still be his friend, that he would reject him in the kindest way possible, but he knows it would change them and he can’t bear the idea of Bucky feeling awkward around him, of changing their friendship like that.</p>
<p>Nat looks at him sadly. “Don’t be too hasty on that, Rogers,” she tells him softly. “It might not be the right time now, but I think someday you’ll know when it is.”</p>
<p>Steve knows she means well, but the idea of that is ridiculous. “I’m not ever going to risk losing him again, Nat. I don’t need to ever tell him,” he says firmly. “I can handle how I feel, I’ve been doing it for years.”</p>
<p>Nat gives him a look of doubt and then sighs. “We’ll revisit this,” she states. “Trust me. I don’t think things are the way you think they are.”</p>
<p>Steve doesn’t see why they would revisit it, because she’s clearly wrong, but just lets it go. At least maybe he can confide in her now if he needs to. That feels nice to know and he feels like he can breathe a little easier. Still, he changes subject a little. “Thank you for being so great with him, by the way.” He knew Nat would be, but she’s been especially sweet to Bucky.</p>
<p>“How could I not?” she replies, face changing to a little grin. “You have noticed your friend is essentially as adorable as a puppy, right?”</p>
<p>Steve huffs in amusement, breaking into a smile. He never thought that’s how someone would refer to Bucky. He’s been a lot of things—ladies’ man, flirt, sweetheart, soldier, but never a puppy. But it’s oddly true.</p>
<p>Nat smiles back, but it turns a little sad. “It’s probably because he’s sort of relearning everything, trying to understand how he fits in, like he’s seeing everything fresh again,” she muses.</p>
<p>That makes Steve feel a little sad too. “I didn’t think of it that way.” Now he thinks about it, it makes sense. Bucky seems so together sometimes, but other times he seems lost. Steve had thought it was just getting used to being here with him and James, but now he realises it’s so much more than that. Steve’s place in the world is now as a father, and as a friend, but Bucky doesn’t know his place yet. He’s still figuring everything out.</p>
<p>“Gotta get your brain in gear, Rogers,” Nat teases him.</p>
<p>“Ba gah!” James shrieks, banging a block on the tray, almost making Steve jump.</p>
<p>“See,” Nat smirks as Steve rubs his hand across his face. “Even your kid agrees with me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Natasha and Sam leave in the early evening.</p>
<p>Bucky’s found he doesn’t mind their company, but he is glad when they’ve gone. It’s tiring, trying to interact with people except Steve. But it’s good to see that Steve has friends that really care about him. Growing up, Steve only ever really had him. He was too feisty, all piss and vinegar as Bucky’s dad used to say. People didn’t want to be his friend.</p>
<p>Bucky remembers thinking they were crazy, because Steve was the best friend he could have asked for. And he loved his spirit and the way he always stood up for what was right, even if he hated finding Steve had been in a fight again, because it made him worry something fierce. But it’s good, that here in this new world that people seem to recognise Steve for the person he’s always been and love him for it the same way Bucky does.</p>
<p>“She’s all tired out,” Steve says as he arrives back downstairs having gone up to put James down in her crib.</p>
<p>Steve wasn’t wrong when he said his friends spoiled her. They brought new toys and clothes for her and basically spent the whole afternoon playing with her, giving Steve a little break. Even Bucky noticed how James had started yawning eventually, tired out by all the attention.</p>
<p>He’d also noticed how Steve’s friends kept looking over at him, as though wondering why he wasn’t lying on the floor with them too, cooing at James when she did her wiggly worm crawl. He found he didn’t like that, so he kept offering drinks and food and anything to keep himself busy, so he wouldn’t have to feel the weight of their expectations on him.</p>
<p>Plus it was just a weird day, having had basically a revelation of a morning with Steve, to then have to go back to normal around Steve’s friends when he’s basically been waiting the whole day to see if Steve really meant what he said and if he can maybe get a cuddle in before bed.</p>
<p>“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Steve suggests as he plonks himself down heavily on the couch next to Bucky.</p>
<p>He seems tired but happy, Bucky thinks as he nods. “We could have popcorn?” he suggests.</p>
<p>“Before our dinner?” Steve smirks a little. “I’m shocked,” he jokes.</p>
<p>Bucky grins back as he gets up. “Remember that time we used our train money to buy hot dogs?”</p>
<p>Steve pauses, smile dropping slightly. “Y-you remember that?”</p>
<p>Bucky’s own smile drops a little too. “Sure do, pal,” he replies, a little lost in the memory and how much fun it had been, just spending time with his best friend without a care in the world. He glances at Steve and gives him a small, soft smile, before heading for the kitchen. “Now I don’t really remember whose idea it was, but I’m gonna guess you,” he says with a smirk over his shoulder.</p>
<p>Steve pulls a shocked face as he follows Bucky to the kitchen. “I would never,” he replies, voice full of innocence.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs in amusement as he gets to the cupboard with the popcorn in, passing it to Steve. “I might be fuzzy on some stuff still, but I’m pretty certain it was always you getting me into trouble,” he accuses, raising his eyebrows.</p>
<p>He means it to be funny, but Steve’s face falls and his grip on the popcorn packet tightens a little as his eyes fall to Bucky’s left arm.</p>
<p>Bucky grimaces, shoving his left hand into his pocket. “I didn’t mean it like that.”</p>
<p>Steve forces a flash of a smile onto his face. “I know,” he says, glancing up at Bucky’s face for a moment before turning to the microwave.</p>
<p>“Do you?” Bucky states before he can stop himself.</p>
<p>Steve presses a few buttons and for a moment there’s just the sound of the microwave starting to whir round as he presses his hands against the counter, making his back muscles tense.</p>
<p>“You should have gone home,” Steve finally says. “You were a POW, you had every right to go home and be with your family.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s sighing before Steve even finishes. “Don’t be dumb.” He can’t believe Steve would really think that, after all this time.</p>
<p>“It’s not dumb,” Steve argues, turning to him, fire in his eyes. “You stayed because I wanted you to, because I was selfish, because I—”</p>
<p>“Because you <em>were</em> my family,” Bucky cuts in, voice hard. He narrows his eyes a little. “You really think I wanted to leave you and just stayed because you asked me to? In fact, I don’t even remember you having to ask. It was just a given.”</p>
<p>Steve looks pained. “But it shouldn’t have been. I should have made you go, I should have—”</p>
<p>The microwave dings, interrupting him.</p>
<p>Steve startles, looking confused, before looking back at the thing.</p>
<p>“How long are you going to hold onto that,” Bucky hears himself asking. He’s suddenly angry and he’s not sure why entirely.</p>
<p>Steve frowns over at him.</p>
<p>“You asked me to stay here and I stayed, but if all this is just because of guilt—”</p>
<p>“What?” Steve’s eyes widen in horror. “Of course it’s not, how can you—”</p>
<p>“What am I supposed to think?” Bucky interrupts. “If this is how you still feel, after all these years, after I already told you once that it wasn’t your fault…What is this? Am I just here so you can ease your guilty conscience? Is that why you let me have whatever I want, like the garden and my books a-and l-last night?” He’s almost yelling now and he can’t seem to stop himself, even as he stumbles over those last few words, because the idea of that hurts so much more than the other things.</p>
<p>“No!” Steve cuts in, already moving towards him, then abruptly pausing. Then just as abruptly, his arms are around Bucky’s shoulders yanking him into a close hold that surprises Bucky so much that he stumbles back a little, back hitting the fridge, but Steve doesn’t let go.</p>
<p>“You’re here cause I love you, you jerk,” Steve murmurs quietly against his neck.</p>
<p>Bucky half smiles at that, a little incredulous, anger draining as suddenly as it came, as he brings his hands up to wrap around Steve’s back, because somehow that was all he really needed to hear. “Back at you, punk,” he huffs.</p>
<p>He hears Steve hum in amusement, before he pulls back, a remorseful look on his face. “I’m sorry,” he says simply.</p>
<p>Bucky looks down, pushing his hair back from his face before looking back at Steve. “Yeah, so am I,” he says, with a small half smile.</p>
<p>It’s funny, Bucky thinks, how sometimes there are these moments where he feels something shift. He thought this morning was one, but really it’s now. It’s Steve finally getting that it was Bucky’s choice and accepting that. It’s him feeling like that little nagging voice that said he was a burden wasn’t right, that Steve truly does want him here.</p>
<p>When they settle down on the couch for the movie, hips pressed together, both with their feet up on the coffee table and blanket over them both, Bucky feels it. He just knows this is right where he’s meant to be.</p>
<p>And when they say goodnight at the end of the day, Bucky’s happy. There’s a weird sense of peace that’s settled over him. Steve doesn’t hesitate in hugging him goodnight, his embrace tight and lingering, and Bucky goes to bed feeling cared for and thankful to have a friend as supportive and wonderful as Steve.</p>
<p>Still, he finds himself waking after an hour or so of sleep. He used to get nightmares a lot that he’d wake from and not be able to get back to sleep after, but this isn’t that. He hasn’t had that since he got here. He’s safe and warm and comfy, but he finds he can’t will himself back to sleep.</p>
<p>He sighs to himself and drags himself up to go to the bathroom, but in the hallway he notices light coming from Steve’s open door and heads there instead, peeking his head round the door.</p>
<p>Steve’s sitting up in bed, lamp on, reading a book. The yellow light catches on his fluffy blond hair, making it glow a little.</p>
<p>“Can’t sleep?” Bucky murmurs, as Steve glances up and a concerned look comes over his face.</p>
<p>“Um, not really,” Steve replies. “How about you? You okay?” He sounds a little worried, as he puts his book down on the bedside table.</p>
<p>Bucky steps into the room a little. “I’m fine. Just woke up and saw your light was on.” He can’t help glancing at the space next to Steve and thinking how nice it was being there last night.</p>
<p>Steve nods a little, pulling at the sleeve of his white t-shirt for a moment. “Do you remember when we were kids and we used to sneak to your roof at night together to look at the stars?” he asks somewhat abruptly.</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help the smile that appears on his face as he steps in a little closer. “Remember? I’m pretty sure that was why you got pneumonia that time,” he huffs. He can make light of it now, but he does remember. Steve getting that ill was one of the scariest things that ever happened to him. He remembers thinking that he wouldn’t survive without him, remembers crying, remembers doing everything in his power to see that Steve got well again, babying him so much when he was home from the hospital that Steve eventually yelled at him. But that still didn’t stop him.</p>
<p>Steve huffs and rolls his eyes, but he looks happy. “Oh it was not. You made sure I was all wrapped up.”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles in amusement as he sits himself down on the end of the bed, because he remembers that too. “Well you were the one always going out without his scarf and gloves. Someone had to take care of you,” he teases.</p>
<p>“They were itchy!” Steve protests, shifting in bed.</p>
<p>“Pfft,” Bucky hums out. “Sure they were.”</p>
<p>“At least I didn’t almost break my foot trying to show off for a girl!” Steve throws back at him.</p>
<p>Bucky lets out an amused breath. He remembers that too—he jumped over a high wall and landed funny, twisting his ankle. It wasn’t his finest moment, but he’s pretty sure he was showing off for Steve and not the girls that were there. “You know, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to start this game, Steve,” he teases. “Pretty sure you’ve done way more dumb stuff than I have.”</p>
<p>Steve looks affronted. “That’s not…” He stops talking at the look Bucky gives him. “Yeah, alright,” he gives in with a little shameless grin.</p>
<p>Bucky presses his lips together, trying not to laugh. “God, I can’t even imagine what trouble you got up to without me there to stop you.”</p>
<p>Steve rolls his eyes and lies back a little more against his pillow. “Hardly anything.”</p>
<p>Bucky rolls his eyes right back. “Yeah, sure. Maybe I’ll ask your friends next time they’re here…” he muses.</p>
<p>Steve’s eyes widen and then he looks a little defeated. “Jerk,” he huffs, kicking Bucky in the butt where he sits.</p>
<p>Bucky opens his mouth in feigned shock. “Why you little…” He launches himself at Steve so he can mess his hair up, ruffling it as Steve squawks a little and then they’re sort of wrestling each other, Steve trying to mess Bucky’s hair up in return, while Bucky finds Steve’s ticklish spot at his waist and digs his fingers in.</p>
<p>“Shit!” Steve squeaks, laughing as Bucky continues unrelentingly, Steve finally throwing his hands up in defeat. “I give! I give!” he cries out.</p>
<p>Bucky laughs breathlessly as he generously stops the tickling attack, finding himself all but lying on top of Steve as he laughs along with him, until their laughter fades and then they’re just staring at each other for a moment.</p>
<p>Bucky gets a little lost in that unrelenting blue of Steve’s eyes as Steve licks his lips. Then he groans and rolls over off Steve to lie next to him, grabbing a pillow as he does and hitting Steve in the face with it.</p>
<p>“Hey!” Steve squawks out indignantly.</p>
<p>“You probably woke James up with all your noise,” Bucky tells him, ignoring his protest.</p>
<p>Steve flings the pillow back at him and huffs. “I’ll go check on her.” He makes a big show of getting out of bed. “No tickling when I get back,” he warns as he leaves the room.</p>
<p>Bucky lies there for a moment, before tucking the pillow back behind his head.</p>
<p>Steve returns quickly, shaking his head. “She’s out like a light, so there,” he informs Bucky petulantly before clambering back into bed.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs and gives him a tight-lipped smile. “I should probably get back to bed,” he murmurs, but he doesn’t make a move to go.</p>
<p>Steve rolls to face him, tucking his hands under his head like a pillow. “You could just stay here?” he replies softly.</p>
<p>Bucky didn’t really realise until then that those were the words he was waiting for. “Yeah?” he asks, turning his head towards Steve more, heart beating a little faster, trying not to sound as excited as he feels. He really wants that.</p>
<p>Steve stares into his eyes and nods and then starts pulling at the covers pinned under Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs in amusement. “Alright, alright,” he laughs, lifting his hips up so Steve can pull the cover out, before flopping them back on top of Bucky this time. Bucky shimmies down happily into them, wrapping himself up warmly. “I guess I could stay,” he murmurs. “Make sure you don’t go getting in any trouble.”</p>
<p>Steve huffs and kicks him in the leg. “What trouble could I possibly get into in my room at night.”</p>
<p>Bucky huffs back, closing his eyes. “I’m sure you’d find something.”</p>
<p>That earns him another kick and Steve huffing out “jerk” under his breath.</p>
<p>But he can’t mind too much. Because two minutes later, he’s got Steve’s arms wrapped around him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Your comments last chapter were so awesome, thank you 😊 And thank you to all reading this, I hope it's entertaining you in these crappy times.</p>
<p>Next up...someone new joins their household 😮</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. give you my sunshine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gaining a new family member.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Buck!”</p>
<p>Steve almost shrieking his name makes Bucky spring up from where he was checking the leaves of one of his plants.</p>
<p>He instantly looks round for any danger before his eyes settle on Steve, who’s holding James and looking excited rather than worried, having burst through the back door.</p>
<p>Bucky thinks James probably shouldn’t be outside long, there’s a definite chill in the air now it’s the start of November and she’s not in her outside clothes. Bucky’s in one of his fuzzy hooded sweaters to stay warm himself. “What is it?” he asks, stepping towards them.</p>
<p>“Jaime clapped!” Steve beams, looking ridiculously proud.</p>
<p>Bucky bites the inside of his cheek. “Another new thing?” he checks.</p>
<p>The last two weeks have been full of new things that make Steve super excited and make Bucky feel bad for not being as excited with him. A week ago, she changed her worm wiggle into an actual crawl, on her hands and knees and Bucky had watched Steve almost have an aneurysm about it. Then they’d spent the rest of the day using all these gadgets that Steve had already bought and tucked away in the wardrobe to baby-proof things, because apparently to Steve, crawling meant James would be able to climb onto the counter and get to the knives.</p>
<p>So Bucky now has to open a gate to go up and down the stairs while Steve now spends lots of time sitting on the floor with James, holding toys away from her to get her to crawl to get them while cooing at her. Bucky finds it equally amusing and sweet.</p>
<p>“Uh huh,” Steve nods. He gazes down at James. “Are you going to show Bucky?” he says in the now familiar baby voice he uses with her sometimes. “C’mon, Bucky wants to see you clap.”</p>
<p>Bucky isn’t all that bothered either way if he’s honest, but he’s very aware that Steve doesn’t need to hear that. Because Steve is still doing his best to make him spend time with James and Bucky’s trying, he really is, but somehow every time he feels like he’s disappointing Steve, but he doesn’t even know why. He gives her toys and sometimes reads to her and Steve, but Steve seems to expect something more and Bucky’s really not sure what more is.</p>
<p>Steve’s now carefully trying to clap his hands together without dropping James, apparently intent on Bucky seeing the miracle of clapping.</p>
<p>Bucky takes a little pity on him and heads closer. He moves to clap his own hands together, then realises they don’t make the same noise a normal clap would. He grimaces a little and moves his hands down, but apparently it doesn’t matter, because James moves her tiny hands and hits them together once, also making barely any noise but with a big smile on her face.</p>
<p>Steve’s smile is even bigger. “Good girl!” he coos, clearly thrilled. “Isn’t it cute?” he grins at Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles back with a little huff. “Yeah,” he agrees, because it <em>is</em> cute. “It’s cold, you should go back in,” he remembers.</p>
<p>Steve looks like he’s just noticed that, even though he’s wearing a short-sleeved grey t-shirt and has goosebumps on his arms. “Oh, you’re right.” He grins down at James. “C’mon sweetheart, don’t want you to get cold.” He looks over at Bucky. “Thanks, Buck,” he adds with a grateful look on his face. “Are you almost done, I was going to put something together for lunch?”</p>
<p>Bucky nods, looking back at his plants. “Ten minutes?” he offers.</p>
<p>Steve smiles back. “Sure thing.” He heads back inside, much more content lately to leave Bucky to it when he gets into his gardening zone.</p>
<p>Things have been feeling really settled lately, Bucky thinks, even with Steve trying to push him and James together. He just thinks they both seem happier, like they’ve settled into this little life they’re living together now. While Bucky still sleeps alone sometimes, he also now sleeps with Steve sometimes too, usually when he wakes in the night and can’t really help himself from crawling into Steve’s bed for the comfort he feels there. Steve seems happy either way, so Bucky feels secure that he’s not taking advantage of Steve’s kindness.</p>
<p>On the nights they don’t share a bed, Steve always greets him in the morning with a big hug, sometimes cradling Bucky’s head with his hand just the way he does to James, while Bucky melts into it. And the contact really helps. Bucky feels almost human most days.</p>
<p>Most days he still works in the garden, though as winter settles in he knows he won’t be spending as much time doing that. He’s already looking forward to spring, not only for his garden, but also because he truly despises the cold. Even in the layers he has on, he still feels like it’s time to go inside now, feeling a little chilly. So he finishes up in the garden, taking some of the dead leaves round the side of the house to the composter.</p>
<p>He’s about to head back when he suddenly hears a strange little noise.</p>
<p>He’s instantly on guard, casting his eyes around for where the noise might have come from. And then he hears it again. A tiny little mew.</p>
<p>It doesn’t take him long to find the source of the mew. There, curled up between Steve’s garbage cans, is a little cat that might be white if it weren’t for all the dirt on it.</p>
<p>He crouches down, the creature mewing pitifully. “Hey,” he says softly. “Where did you come from?” He looks around as though he’ll find a cat owner standing right there, but of course there’s no one.</p>
<p>He’s not sure what to do, so he reaches out to carefully lift the poor thing into his hands. Instantly he gets claws digging in painfully, so he transfers the little thing into his metal hand instead.</p>
<p>It’s a kitten, he sees as he stands up, using his other hand to make sure it doesn’t fall. It’s not tiny, but not big either. Its fur is covered in dirt and it smells bad, and its blue eyes are huge compared to the size of its head and look wide and scared. He doesn’t know what to do, so he cradles it carefully as he heads back round the house, figuring Steve will know what to do. Steve always knows what to do.</p>
<p>“Um, Steve?” he says as he walks in, shutting the door behind him carefully.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Bu—” Steve says as he turns from the fridge. “Uh, what is that?” he asks as his eyes find the cat.</p>
<p>“A kitten. I found it near the garbage cans,” Bucky explains, frowning at the poor thing.</p>
<p>Steve looks confused as he shuts the fridge door. “Where’s its owner?” he frowns, stepping round the centre island to get a closer look.</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs. “I didn’t see anyone. And it doesn’t look like anyone’s been taking care of them.” He moves closer so Steve can have a proper look.</p>
<p>“Jeez,” Steve breathes out, probably smelling the not pleasant smell too. He gives the kitten a considering look. “I guess we could take it to the nearest vet?” he suggests.</p>
<p>Bucky likes that idea. “Okay. Can we go now?”</p>
<p>Steve looks slightly surprised by Bucky’s eagerness. “Um, yeah, okay. Let me look them up and give them a call,” he offers, already heading for the doorway. “Can you keep an eye on James for a second?” he adds absentmindedly, already into the dining room.</p>
<p>Bucky nods to himself, taking the kitten over near to where James is in her high-chair. She reaches out a chubby hand towards him, but Bucky makes sure she can’t get to the kitten. It’s dirty and probably some sort of health hazard to her, plus he doesn’t want the kitten to be scared either. Instead, he reaches for her yellow sippy cup, moving it nearer for her as a distraction.</p>
<p>That’s another recent first. She can now grip her own cup and take a drink of water. Steve has special cups that don’t spill when she knocks them over too, which Bucky thinks is a pretty good invention seeing as James seems to quite like knocking her cup over.</p>
<p>James starts sipping happily while Bucky cradles the little wiggling kitten against his chest, waiting for Steve to come back.</p>
<p>The kitten lets out another sad mew, which makes Bucky’s heart ache a little. He wonders how it ended up outside their house. It’s definitely too small to be alone and he wonders if somehow it got lost or if someone horrible abandoned it.</p>
<p>He suddenly thinks, remembering that he was cold outside, that maybe the kitten’s cold, so he goes to the drawer and finds one of Steve’s cloths that he uses when he burps James and wraps the kitten up in that carefully, smiling to himself as he sees how cute it looks with just its head poking out.</p>
<p>Steve frowns a little at him when he returns. “They can see us in half an hour,” he announces.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky replies, not looking up, running a finger along the kitten’s nose, as he holds it to his chest to share his body warmth. That’s good news. He wants to make sure it’s okay. It’s horrible to think of the poor thing out there alone and frightened with no one to help.</p>
<p>Steve finishes up getting lunch ready, feeding James while Bucky eats with one hand while cradling the cat still, before waiting for Steve to go through his usual long process of getting James ready to go out.</p>
<p>Finally, they’re in the car and making the short drive to the local vet.</p>
<p>Bucky ends up glad it’s a little cold out now, because at least it means him wearing gloves all the time doesn’t seem as weird anymore. In fact, the receptionist just smiles at him as Steve checks them in and then coos over the little kitten in Bucky’s gloved hands.</p>
<p>They sit on hard plastic chairs to wait, while Bucky glances around. It feels like a medical office, everything very white, but at least there are posters with cute animals on the wall that make him feel a little calmer. There’s no one else waiting, so it’s just them and the receptionist, but she seems nice and non-threatening, with a very bouncy blonde ponytail and a welcoming look on her face.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, James doesn’t seem to like the place as she starts to cry while they wait. Steve wheels her stroller back and forth, trying to calm her, but she just gets louder. Bucky wonders if maybe she’s bored or maybe it’s another tooth. Steve has to brush her teeth now, which is amusing as he hears Steve in a one-sided argument with her over it sometimes as apparently James isn’t a fan of it and wiggles her head around a lot.</p>
<p>Of course, just then, Steve’s name is called. Steve looks a little overwhelmed as he tries to stop James crying so they can go in, but Bucky figures he can help with that.</p>
<p>“I can go in by myself,” he offers, cringing a little as James gets louder, as he and Steve both stand up.</p>
<p>Steve frowns a little as he lifts James from her stroller. “Are you sure?” he asks. He looks concerned, as he tries bouncing James on his hip.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Bucky nods. “I’ll be okay,” he promises. “You look after James.”</p>
<p>Steve looks like he wants to argue it, but James is really crying now, so he nods and Bucky heads over to where the vet is waiting by her open door with an understanding look on her face as she says hello.</p>
<p>Bucky steps inside the exam room, taking in the vet’s round glasses and short red hair and how she’s wearing scrubs like hospital staff do, except hers have a print of fish on them. Bucky finds he likes her, even if he is a little wary still of the medical feel of the place. She introduces herself as Bobbi instead of her surname too, making her seem even friendlier and Bucky relaxes a little more.</p>
<p>“So, you found the kitten outside on its own?” Bobbi asks.</p>
<p>Bucky nods, still a little rusty when it comes to talking to people who aren’t Steve, before remembering he should use words. “Yeah, near our garbage cans. I looked but I couldn’t find a person or another cat nearby. I think maybe it got lost?” he offers up his theory.</p>
<p>“Let’s take a look,” Bobbi smiles gently and Bucky reluctantly lets go of the kitten, passing it to her.</p>
<p>Bobbi unwraps the kitten from the cloth and does a full examination as Bucky stands there nervously.</p>
<p>“Well, she’s a girl,” she states. “Around eight or nine weeks old. I’d say from the state of her that she was probably abandoned.” She brushes through the dirty fur as she speaks. “She’s surprisingly okay, not even any fleas that I’m seeing, though I imagine very hungry.”</p>
<p>She calls in her assistant, who comes in through a door at the back of the room. “Kai, can you give her a good wash please and the flea treatment and some milk?” she asks, as a young guy with black spiky hair appears, also in printed scrubs, but his have dogs on. “The flea treatment is just a preventative measure,” Bobbi tells Bucky with a smile.</p>
<p>“Sure thing,” Kai smiles at Bobbi as he picks up the kitten and gives Bucky a kind smile too.</p>
<p>Bucky feels an odd sense of protectiveness as the kitten is taken away.</p>
<p>“He’ll just get her cleaned up,” Bobbi says, maybe noticing the frown on Bucky’s face.</p>
<p>He nods and tries to put on a more neutral face. He knows these are good people who love animals so much that they made it their whole career. He just sort of misses the kitten already and wishes he could have gone back there with her.</p>
<p>“So, we have a couple of options,” Bobbi continues. “We work closely with a cat shelter, so we can take her to them when she’s cleaned up, or if you want to, you could take her home? If you think you could provide a good home for a cat?”</p>
<p>Bucky wants to say yes instantly, but he has to remind himself that it’s not his house. “I, um, I’d like to,” he realises. He’d really like to. “I need to ask…” He looks towards the door. “What, um, what do cats need?” he asks, wanting to know all the details first.</p>
<p>Bobbi gives him a kind smile. “Well, they’re pretty independent once they’re older, but at this age, you’d need to give her lots of attention and love. And then obviously be able to feed her and pay for vet bills, that sort of thing. You’d need to bring her back in for spaying and shots when she’s a little older also.” She moves to her desk where she has leaflets displayed and picks a few out. “Here, these might be helpful.”</p>
<p>Bucky takes them, studying the titles. One is about looking after a kitten, another about cat health, and one dedicated to spaying. He looks back up at Bobbi. “Can I come right back?” he asks hopefully. “I just need to talk to my friend.”</p>
<p>Bobbi nods kindly. “Of course. Just come back through when you’ve decided. There’s no obligation to take her, of course. It was a very good thing that you brought her in.”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles a little at the praise. It’s nice to know he did something right. He thanks her and then turns and opens the door to head to the waiting area to find the stroller there, but no Steve or James.</p>
<p>“Oh, they just stepped outside,” the nice receptionist informs him when she sees him looking.</p>
<p>“Oh, okay, thank you,” he nods thankfully. “I’ll be back.”</p>
<p>“No problem,” she replies, giving him a big smile.</p>
<p>He heads outside to find Steve bouncing James in his arms, who seems to have mostly settled down. “Hey, all okay?” Steve asks as he sees him.</p>
<p>Bucky nods. “Yeah, they took her to get her cleaned up. They think she was abandoned.”</p>
<p>Steve frowns. “That’s horrible.”</p>
<p>Bucky agrees with that. “I know.” The poor thing must have been so scared.</p>
<p>“So what happens now?”</p>
<p>Bucky meets his eyes. “Um, they said we could, um, keep her, if we wanted?” he offers, hopefully.</p>
<p>Steve doesn’t look very enthusiastic though. He stares back for a moment and then lets out a little sigh. “You want to, don’t you,” he states.</p>
<p>Bucky looks away, disappointed. “It’s okay, they said there’s a shelter she can go to. I know it’s your house and it’s not fair of me to—”</p>
<p>“Buck,” Steve cuts him off, his voice said as a sigh.</p>
<p>When he looks over, Steve’s shaking his head.</p>
<p>“It’s your house too,” he reminds him. “Ours,” he adds with a little smile. Then he rolls his eyes a little and grins. “I guess we’re getting a cat,” he huffs.</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help the smile that lights up his face. “Really? You really don’t mind?”</p>
<p>Steve smiles at him, like he expected this the whole time. “You’re cleaning the litter box,” he warns him with a little grin.</p>
<p>Bucky beams back at him. He can do that. “Thank you, Stevie,” he exclaims, giddy as he grabs Steve in a hug, which also means he has his arms round James for a moment. She hiccups right in his ear.</p>
<p>Steve gives him a squeeze before they pull away, an indulgent look on his face. “C’mon you big softie,” he teases. “Let’s go get your cat.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve has to admit, the kitten is very cute once its been cleaned up. It turns out she’s a pure white cat under all the dirt, just a regular cat, not a special breed, and while Steve thinks she’s cute, he can see that Bucky is already enamoured with her.</p>
<p>They went to a pet store after the vet, where Bucky bought every item the vet recommended, with the little thing zipped up carefully in his jacket, because Bucky refused to leave her in the car, and now Steve’s watching as he sets up a food and water bowl in the kitchen, just to the right of the fridge.</p>
<p>Steve wishes he wasn’t so damn adorable. He knew as soon as Bucky laid those big hopeful eyes on him that he would give in. And then Bucky’s smile…he hasn’t smiled like that since before the war and Steve knows he’d have adopted ten kittens right then if it made him smile like that again. Plus there was the fact that Bucky called him <em>Stevie</em>. Steve all but died right then, because he hasn’t used that nickname since they were kids and it honestly made him want to burst into tears right there. Luckily he held it together, but now he can’t stop thinking about it, hoping to hear it again.</p>
<p>“So, what are you gonna name her?” he asks, while Bucky fusses, the kitten next to him, mewing and trying to climb off of the fuzzy round bed Bucky got her.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Bucky tells him, glancing over. “The receptionist liked Snowy,” he adds, like he’s waiting for Steve’s opinion.</p>
<p>Ah yes, the receptionist. Steve had had to stop himself scowling at her as they booked in for another appointment in a few weeks before they left. She’d been blatantly flirting with Bucky and while Steve couldn’t blame her, he also wanted to tell her to back the hell off. Except he doesn’t have the right to do that and he didn’t need to, because Bucky didn’t even seem to notice. Steve can’t help wondering if Bucky ever thinks about things like that, like women and dating. He supposes it’s too soon. He can’t help wondering about the future though, about how he would handle it if Bucky did meet someone. He’d want to be happy for him, but he can’t help but think that he might fall apart.</p>
<p>“I think Snowy is a bit obvious,” Steve comments, not wanting to think about that, because those thoughts will only lead him down a very depressing road. Plus no way does he want the cat named by the flirty receptionist.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Bucky hums. He finishes with the water bowl and lifts the kitten from her bed just before she reaches the edge, looking enchanted by her. “I like the general idea though,” he murmurs, holding the kitten close and stroking her fur gently. He stands and brings her over to Steve. “Do you think she’ll like it here?” he asks.</p>
<p>Steve’s heart just about breaks at the question and the tender way Bucky’s staring at the kitten. “Of course she will. She’s got you,” he replies simply.</p>
<p>Bucky’s face breaks into a beautiful, bashful smile. Then he seems to focus in on something behind Steve. “Alpine,” he murmurs.</p>
<p>Steve looks round to see Bucky’s reading the dish soap. “For her name?”</p>
<p>Bucky nods as he turns back round. “What do you think?”</p>
<p>“You’re naming her after our Alpine Fresh dish soap?” Steve presses his lips together, trying not to laugh.</p>
<p>“I like it,” Bucky pouts a little at him. “What do you think?” he murmurs, looking at the kitten. “You look like an Alpine, don’t you?” The kitten mews and apparently Bucky interprets that as yes. He smiles back triumphantly at Steve. “See,” he says proudly.</p>
<p>Steve huffs in amusement. “Alpine it is.”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles to himself and then surprises Steve as he walks over to the playpen where James is sitting up playing with her favourite stuffed dinosaur. “This is Alpine,” he informs James. “She’s too small for you to play with for now, but maybe when she’s bigger you guys will be friends,” he explains, holding Alpine so James can see her, while Steve just about dies.</p>
<p>Then he takes Alpine back over to her bowls, holding her as he pours out the special kitten milk they got.</p>
<p>“There we go sweetie,” he coos, putting Alpine down, guiding her to the bowl, which Alpine promptly puts her paw in.</p>
<p>Steve stands watching, realising he’s made a terrible mistake here, as Bucky coos over that and wipes her paw with his hand. He loves Bucky too much already—he really doesn’t need Bucky being this adorable with his cat, making him love him even more, if that’s possible. But they’re in this now. He can see that Bucky already adores the cat.</p>
<p>He shakes his head to himself, as Bucky stays crouching, saying soft praising words to the cat as she licks up the milk, and Steve takes out his phone to snap a picture, sending it to Nat and Sam with a little sigh.</p>
<p><em>Guess who got a cat</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So a few of you guessed it was Alpine! Cause I am very unoriginal 😁 Could my Bucky as kitten metaphor be more obvious also 😂</p>
<p>Hope you enjoyed, your comments make me smile the way Bucky smiles at his new cat! 💜</p>
<p>Up next...adjusting, Steve jealous of a cat, the usual...😂</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. having a hard time adjusting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kitty, swings, walks, sad Steve...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alpine is a welcome addition to their household, Steve can admit that. She’s cute and she makes Bucky smile and he spends lots of time fussing over her. They discover she’s not much of a lap cat, spending a few minutes on Bucky before heading off elsewhere, but she’s happy to sit next to them on the couch, but prefers to sleep in her cat bed by the fireplace even when it’s not on, instead of joining Bucky in his bed. Not that Bucky doesn’t try to get her to stay there at first. Steve thinks he likes Alpine even more for that, because it means if Bucky wants a bed companion, he has to choose Steve still, and the nights Bucky chooses to stay in his room are still the best nights of his life.</p>
<p>Alpine also turns out to be a catalyst for a whole host of other changes in Bucky’s life too. Steve watches as looking after the cat helps Bucky grow in confidence, the same way his garden does. It gives him another thing to take care of, but this one even more important than the plants, seeing as it’s a living creature.</p>
<p>Steve wishes that could have been James, but Bucky still hasn’t really changed on that front. He doesn’t seem to panic anymore when Steve leaves them alone together for a few minutes and he still asks questions about her progress or smiles when Steve tells him about a new thing she did, but it’s more a passing interest. He does show some concern for her, like lately he cleans the floors often, so it’s safe for James to crawl around even with Alpine walking around too and he always makes sure James is careful when she’s near Alpine so she doesn’t ever get accidently scratched. But it’s not in the way a father should be and Steve hates himself for thinking that, but Bucky’s love for Alpine just proves how caring and wonderful Bucky is and how Steve knows he’d be a wonderful father to James if he would just try, but there’s a detachment there that Steve can’t seem to fix. Somehow watching him with Alpine makes Steve even sadder than he was before about it. But it doesn’t mean he won’t keep trying.</p>
<p>“Do you want to push her, Buck?” Steve offers hopefully.</p>
<p>They’ve taken James out to the park, all bundled up in her winter clothes, because now that she can sit up by herself, she can go on the swings and Steve’s stupidly excited about it, as he makes sure she’s secure in the bucket seat.</p>
<p>Bucky’s standing nearby with the stroller, bundled up in his coat and scarf and his usual gloves, looking adorable with his perfect nose a little red from the cold, and he looks over, confused. “Don’t you want to do that?”</p>
<p>“I do,” Steve agrees. “But I want to see her face and I can’t do that and push her.” It’s an honest enough explanation and Steve does want to see and video the moment, but it’s also just his way of getting Bucky involved.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky agrees, looking nervous. “What do I do?”</p>
<p>Steve smiles encouragingly as he moves over to position himself with his phone to video it, giving James a little wave as she looks at him like she’s wondering what this is all about. “You just push the swing gently.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks very doubtful as he moves over behind James. “Ready?” he asks Steve.</p>
<p>Steve nods, camera on.</p>
<p>Bucky gives the swing a tiny push, as if testing how much it moves. Then another, a little firmer. “Do I just keep pushing?” he calls out, squinting over at Steve.</p>
<p>Steve nods back, watching James. She looks confused, but then as Bucky pushes a little harder again and the swing actually starts swinging back and forth, she lets out a shrill giggle.</p>
<p>Steve’s heart just about bursts and he smiles ecstatically as he films it. “Keep going,” he whisper calls to Bucky, because he looks like he’s not sure if he should.</p>
<p>Bucky nods and keeps pushing and James lets out another delighted shriek.</p>
<p>Steve watches as Bucky gets a sweet little smile on his face too. “She really likes it,” he grins over at Steve.</p>
<p>Steve nods, swallowing, trying to hold himself together, putting the phone away so he can just enjoy watching them now.</p>
<p>“You want to do it now and I can take pictures?” Bucky offers.</p>
<p>Steve would love to watch them all day together, but he really does want to push James himself as well. He nods as Bucky lets the swing softly return to almost stillness.</p>
<p>“Here, you just press this and it will record a video,” Steve explains, showing Bucky his phone, as Bucky nods along.</p>
<p>He quickly figures out he has to take off a glove to use the phone and then Bucky films him as he pushes James and it’s just the best day, Steve thinks. He loves seeing James experience things for the first time and she’s so happy and Bucky’s smiling over at them too and there are other families around them and for a moment he’s almost floored by the idea of the little family he’s somehow acquired. He wishes it was always like this.</p>
<p>Of course, once they get home, Bucky goes off to fuss over Alpine and Steve sets about making lunch for James and the unwanted sadness he’s been feeling lately comes back.</p>
<p>It only gets worse over the next couple of weeks, despite Steve trying his best to stay positive.</p>
<p>They have to take Alpine in to get vaccinated and they get her wormed at the same time and she doesn’t react well, so Bucky spends the day and night panicking and calling the vet to check that her behaviour is normal, basically acting like a very concerned parent, to the point of sleeping on the couch downstairs, because that’s where Alpine wants to sleep and he wants to keep an eye on her.</p>
<p>It reminds Steve of the first time James had a fever. They’d still been staying at the Avengers compound at that point and he’d been out of his mind with worry as James screamed and cried and puked, running the highest temperature Steve had ever seen. He’d been so worried that he’d made Tony fly over one of his best doctors, not willing to take any chances, so James basically had a world-renowned geneticist looking after her for what turned out to be a routine childhood fever. Steve felt a little like he overacted after that, so now she has a world-renowned paediatrician looking after her.</p>
<p>So he understands Bucky’s worry. But it still just further highlights that he’s not that way with James.</p>
<p>Another thing Bucky starts doing is going out by himself for the first time. He’s very observant and seems to realise that lately it’s too cold for James to be out for longer walks when they go all together, so he decides to go by himself. He actually asks Steve’s permission—a fact that makes Steve’s heart break, because of course Bucky can go out by himself, even if it does make Steve panic and pace around the house the whole time until he’s safely back.</p>
<p>But that’s another thing Steve has to learn to live with, because Bucky continues with his walks without Steve or James a couple of times a week. And he knows it’s stupid, because Bucky deserves to have his own space and time away from them and to get some exercise, but those times always make him feel lonely. He’s gotten so used to having Bucky’s presence around, that even when he’s gone for a little while, Steve feels out of sorts and like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Bucky doesn’t know it, but sometimes he ends up cuddling Alpine, because he thinks the cat knows how he feels. Alpine often wanders about during Bucky’s walks, mewing, and Steve thinks she’s looking for him, wondering where he’s gone.</p>
<p>Sometimes it makes Steve think about if Bucky really was gone. If he left again. Steve knows he’s shown no sign of wanting to, but he can’t help but think about it in his more depressed moments. He can’t imagine his life without Bucky in it again. It’s more than he could cope with.</p>
<p>But then the front door always opens, and Bucky’s back and Steve feels like a ray of sunshine is focused right on him as Bucky smiles over at him and tells him about what he saw on his walk and Steve forgets all the sad thoughts he’d been thinking until the next time Bucky goes out.</p>
<p>And then Steve’s sad all over again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky strolls along, wrapped up warm in his nice wool coat and the new dark green scarf Steve got him as a surprise gift, gloved hands tucked into his pockets. It’s cold out, but he doesn’t mind it so much when he’s all wrapped up.</p>
<p>He’s starting to enjoy his walks a little more lately too. His and Steve’s walks with James were getting shorter and Bucky suddenly thought that if he went by himself sometimes too then he could walk for longer and stretch his legs. But the real reason was he’s started to worry about being around all the time.</p>
<p>He’s very aware that since he moved in, he and Steve basically never go anywhere without the other. Bucky does his gardening and Steve sometimes draws when James is napping, but they’re always within a few feet of each other and Bucky’s started thinking maybe Steve needs some more space to himself. He’s been a little up and down lately, not as happy as he’s been the last couple of months and it makes Bucky worry, especially as when Steve looks a little down, he’s often looking over at Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky hates the idea that maybe he’s done something wrong. At first he thought maybe Steve didn’t like Alpine, but he’s since seen him cuddling her when he didn’t know Bucky was looking, so it can’t be that. Plus he doesn’t really think that anyone could not like Alpine. She’s the sweetest thing in the whole world and sometimes she purrs really loudly when Bucky pets her head and head-butts his hand if he stops. Bucky’s completely in love with her already and he’s sure Steve is too, if maybe not quite so deeply. He’s also sure Steve would tell him if he’d done something wrong, because Steve is always honest with him. So he thinks maybe it’s just a little space is what’s needed. Steve was used to being by himself before, so maybe now all the busyness of Bucky settling in has passed, maybe Steve misses his alone time. It’s something to try at least.</p>
<p>And it’s not awful. Bucky does enjoy the exercise, even if he would rather be curled up on the couch, snuggling in next to Steve with Alpine on a cushion nearby. Plus it does seem to be helping. Steve always looks really happy when he comes home at least, like he’s enjoyed the time to himself.</p>
<p>So Bucky keeps going, a couple of times a week, exploring the neighbourhood. He supposes it’s good to get to know where he lives now, especially as Steve doesn’t seem to be involved at all with anything in the community.</p>
<p>Right now, he’s five blocks away from Steve’s house on a quiet residential street, looking at the front yards as he walks past when he comes across a really beautiful one and stops for a moment. It’s all organised like every leaf placement was planned out, with flowerbeds with little rocks marking their edges and nicely manicured bushes near the front gate, all enclosed with a small white post fence. It reminds Bucky of the pictures in fairy-tale books. It’s magical looking somehow. He can tell a lot of work has gone into this garden.</p>
<p>Bucky quickly realises he’s being stared at as he stares. There’s a woman peering over at him from where she’s in the corner of the yard right near him on her knees, tending to some flowers. She has short hair, grey, peppered with a few black streaks, and she’s in a green padded coat with green gardening gloves on. She has a kind face, Bucky thinks. And he’s so enchanted by the garden that he does something he hasn’t done in ages, except for at the vet, and finds himself talking to a stranger.</p>
<p>“H-hello,” Bucky speaks up, trying to be polite. “I’m sorry to bother you,” he adds when the lady looks up again, “but I was just wondering what this plant was?” he asks, pointing at one he really likes. It’s green but with pretty yellow bits too.</p>
<p>“That’s a Mahonia,” she states. “It’s pretty, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Bucky agrees, smiling a little. “I’ve just started doing some gardening at my friend’s house, so I’m just learning,” he explains. “I’ve been trying to choose things that will last well through winter.”</p>
<p>“Ah, well, that one would be a good choice. Very hardy and if you plant it in the next couple of weeks it should do well,” the lady informs him.</p>
<p>Bucky nods along gratefully. “Do you do all this yourself?” he asks, looking at the front yard.</p>
<p>“I do,” she nods, getting up from the ground.</p>
<p>It seems to be a little bit of a struggle and Bucky automatically reaches his hand out to help her, leaning over the small fence.</p>
<p>She takes it, using his arm to steady herself. “Thank you…” She pauses and waits.</p>
<p>“Oh, um, Bucky,” Bucky says before thinking that maybe he shouldn’t have used his real name. But then realising that Bucky technically isn’t his real name.</p>
<p>“I’m Agatha. But you can call me Aggie,” she smiles kindly at him.</p>
<p>“Nice to meet you,” he replies politely. He notices a little pillow on the ground from where she just stood up that she must have been kneeling on. “That’s a good idea,” he muses.</p>
<p>She follows his gaze. “Oh, a kneeling pad is essential, especially for someone old like me,” she says, giving him a little grin, “but even for young folk like you…better for the knees.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods along. Maybe they can go to the store again and Bucky can get one. Gardening does involve a lot of kneeling and the ground does dig in after a while. Plus it would stop his knees getting wet when the grass is damp.</p>
<p>“This is really beautiful,” he compliments her, looking around at her yard.</p>
<p>“Well thank you, Bucky,” she replies, a pleased look on her face. “The secret is really good fertiliser.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Bucky perks up. “I have Westland, it seems okay so far.”</p>
<p>“Oh, that’s a good one. I used to use that but now I like to make my own compost, but you should be just fine with yours.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods along, fascinated as he realises they do have a composter, but he didn’t really realise he could use it for growing things. He’s suddenly very excited at all the knowledge Aggie has and could potentially offer him. It’s different, finding out from someone who knows what they’re doing versus just reading about it. “What do you do to keep slugs away?” he asks. He’s seen a few sniffing around some of his plants and he already hates them, but there are lots of different ideas on what’s best to stop them when he reads about it online.</p>
<p>“Oh, you have to get some nematodes,” Aggie replies, gathering her trowel.</p>
<p>Bucky furrows his brow. “What are nematodes?” He doesn’t think he’s seen that in his research.</p>
<p>Aggie seems to study him for a moment, a curious look on her face, before she seems to decide on something. “If you have a minute, I can show you?” she offers.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles back, both surprised and thrilled at how nice Aggie is. “If it’s not too much of a bother?” He realises he just interrupted her day and would understand if she just wants to be left alone.</p>
<p>Aggie huffs and waves her hand at him. “A bother to get to spend time with a handsome gentleman who likes gardening? Oh yes, whatever will I do,” she grins, opening the gate for him before heading towards the house.</p>
<p>Bucky finds himself grinning in amusement as he closes the gate behind him and follows along to the porch. He can’t wait to find out what a nematode is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve, as always, feels relieved when he hears the front door open, signalling Bucky’s return. He’s been trying hard to not feel so low without Bucky there, reminding himself that it’s important that Bucky has his own space and that he wouldn’t take kindly to Steve clinging to his leg and having to drag him along the floor.</p>
<p>He’s been sitting at the kitchen table, just doodle sketching for the last half hour or so, in between doing laundry, while James plays with her toys in her playpen, but he closes the notepad as Bucky steps into the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Hey!” Steve smiles, probably a little too enthusiastically. “Did you have a good walk?”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles over at him, reaching down to pet Alpine, who’s appeared from out of nowhere, apparently always drawn to Bucky. “Yeah, it was really good,” Bucky murmurs. He lifts Alpine to give her a cuddle, before setting her down again when she wriggles and then looks over at Steve, a serene look on his face. He looks really happy. “I actually…I met someone.”</p>
<p>Steve feels a little like someone just kicked him in the balls. “Y-you met someone?” he manages to ask, trying not to sound as breathless as he feels.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Bucky nods with a soft smile. “Her name’s Agatha, but she said I could call her Aggie.”</p>
<p>“Oh?” Steve replies, trying to sound normal and probably failing. “W-where’d you meet her?”</p>
<p>“At her house,” Bucky says simply. “She’s got this amazing garden and I stopped and asked her about it.”</p>
<p>“Oh? And she was nice?” Steve asks, heart beating stupidly fast.</p>
<p>“Yeah, really nice. She told me lots of helpful tips and made me a cup of tea after I helped her with pruning. She said I could come by anytime,” Bucky explains as he lifts Alpine’s water bowl and empties it at the sink.</p>
<p>“Wow, that, um, that sounds great, Buck,” Steve forces himself to say, while his lungs won’t seem to inflate properly.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Bucky comments, rinsing the bowl out at the sink. “I think she’s a bit lonely. She told me her husband died about a year ago, so she’s living alone now.”</p>
<p>Steve pauses at that comment. “H-how old is Agatha?” he asks.</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs, pouring out some fresh water for Alpine now. “Seventy-five, eighty, I guess?” he muses.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Steve utters. He lets out a breath of relief. Oh thank god. He’s such an idiot. The sick feeling goes away as he realises just how dumb he is and how amazing it is that Bucky actually talked to someone and made a friend. “Well that sounds nice, that she gave you some tips,” he smiles, not wanting to make a big deal of it, even though it really, really is.</p>
<p>Bucky nods. “I need to get a kneeling pad.”</p>
<p>Steve furrows his brow. “A what now?”</p>
<p>Bucky gives him a bemused look. “For kneeling on? So my knees don’t hurt when I’m working in the yard.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Steve agrees, still a little clueless, and mainly just still relieved.</p>
<p>“I think I’ll get it delivered, we don’t need to go to the store just for that,” Bucky murmurs to himself, petting Alpine again and cooing a little at her.</p>
<p>“Oh!” Steve perks up. “Speaking of deliveries, you have to see what Sam sent.” He’s been waiting for Bucky to get back to show him.</p>
<p>“Is it the weird contraption in the laundry room doorway?” Bucky asks as Steve gets up and heads over to lift James from her playpen.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Steve nods, giving James a kiss on the forehead. “It’s this bouncy thing. We put James in it and she can bounce up and down,” he explains.</p>
<p>Bucky looks sceptical. “Does she like that?”</p>
<p>Steve shrugs. “I don’t know, I waited for you to try it out.” He heads towards the door, trying to ignore the little frown on Bucky’s face. “C’mon,” he smiles.</p>
<p>Bucky follows as he gets James all setup in the bouncer. She looks confused for a moment until Steve pulls on it a little to get it to bounce and then, like with everything, she picks it up really fast.</p>
<p>Steve stares adoringly at her as she starts bouncing, using her legs to propel herself up and down, an adorably confused look on her face. “She’s so adorable,” he whispers to Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky nods along. “Looks like she likes it.”</p>
<p>James lets out a giggle at that moment.</p>
<p>“Really likes it,” Bucky amends.</p>
<p>Steve grins and pulls out his phone to video it to send to Sam and Nat. He’s got his eyes fixed on James as he does, but in his periphery he sees Bucky bending down to pick up Alpine, who’s been rubbing against his legs, and now he’s murmuring things to her as he cuddles her.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help how his face falls. Bucky shows more love and interest for his cat than he does his own daughter. His joy from watching James fades a little and he suddenly just wants to be alone.</p>
<p>“Buck, could you watch her?” he asks, voice a little rough. “I just need to go to the bathroom,” he adds, already moving.</p>
<p>“Um, okay,” Bucky answers, hesitant as always, as Steve makes a quick escape up the stairs—or as quick as he can with the baby gates in the way—thankful Bucky doesn’t ask why he’s not just using the downstairs one.</p>
<p>He gets to the bathroom and locks himself in and then sits on the toilet seat lid, feeling defeated.</p>
<p>And then his phone goes off in his hand, scaring the life out of him. He sighs as he calms down and sees it’s Nat calling and unenthusiastically slides to answer it.</p>
<p>“Hey.”</p>
<p>“Okay, that was adorable. Fury started glaring at me, because I was grinning in his meeting,” Nat tells him, glee in her voice.</p>
<p>“Yeah, she really liked it,” Steve replies, but he can’t muster up much enthusiasm.</p>
<p>There’s a small pause on the other end of the phone. “Okay, what’s wrong?” Nat asks straight away.</p>
<p>Steve forgets how good she is at this. “Nothing,” he replies automatically.</p>
<p>“Steve…” she says in a warning tone.</p>
<p>Steve swallows. “Bucky loves his cat more than he loves James,” he blurts.</p>
<p>There’s silence for a moment. “Oh Steve,” Nat sighs sympathetically. “I’m sure that’s not true.”</p>
<p>“It is true,” he argues back, the words flowing from him now. “He’s fine being completely affectionate with Alpine, but with James, he still doesn’t want to hold her or anything like that. And I know you said it would take time and I know I can’t force him to love her and it’s unfair of me, but I hate it,” he admits, feeling terrible.</p>
<p>Nat lets out a soft breath. “I think you’re getting a bit overwhelmed with everything,” she says, voice kind and placating. “Maybe me and Sam should come visit again? Give you a break?”</p>
<p>Steve’s ready to say no, to say he can handle it and he’s just being stupid, but instead what comes out is a defeated sigh. “I…I think that would be good,” he admits. It took him a long time to be comfortable asking for help and sometimes he still isn’t, but he thinks she might be right. He’s dealing with a lot right now and maybe he is letting things get on top of him and that’s not fair to anyone.</p>
<p>“Consider it done,” Nat tells him. “I know you said you couldn’t make Thanksgiving this year, but what if me and Sam came to you instead? Have a little celebration together?”</p>
<p>Steve thinks about it and realises that he’d really like that. He knew Bucky wouldn’t want to go to Tony’s for Thanksgiving so he already sent his apologies, but it feels like it would be a nice thing for them to have a couple of people over. Something normal for them to do. “I would really like that,” he tells Nat gratefully. He sometimes wonders how he got so lucky, to have become such good friends with Nat and Sam, and especially Nat, because she wasn’t easy to get to know like Sam, but now she’s an invaluable part of his life. And it’s really nice to have people he knows he can count on.</p>
<p>“Great, I’ll let Sam know,” Nat replies. There’s some noise in the background of the call. “Listen, I’ve got to go, but please try and stay positive and remember, this is all such a huge adjustment for Bucky. I know patience isn’t your strong suit, but try to remember that.”</p>
<p>Steve nods along. He knows he’s being unfair and Nat’s told him all this before too. It just never seems to sink in properly. “It’s just hard. I mean, I know it’s barely been two months…but you don’t see the way he looks at that cat…” He trails off, realising he’s jealous of a cat…he’s really reached pathetic and kept going.</p>
<p>“A cat is a lot simpler a creature to love,” Nat replies in her frank way. “That might be all he can handle right now.”</p>
<p>Steve never thought of it that way. “How are you so smart,” he huffs, feeling a tiny bit cheered, realising she’s right, as usual.</p>
<p>“Baby I was born this way,” Nat replies, a smirk in her voice. “Gotta go. I’ll let you know what time we’ll be over on Thanksgiving.”</p>
<p>They hang up and Steve feels both guilty and a little better. He takes a minute to gather himself, reminding himself of Nat’s words, and then heads back downstairs, determined to be more positive.</p>
<p>Bucky is sitting cross-legged on the floor with Alpine sort of in his lap, petting her head gently, directly in front of James who is still bouncing away. He looks over as Steve comes round the corner. “Don’t you think she might puke if she keeps doing that?” he muses, looking a little fascinated.</p>
<p>Steve huffs in surprise. “Maybe if she’d just eaten?” he ponders as he walks behind Bucky to lean against the dining table to watch James. “She’s okay,” he murmurs, seeing how happy James is, and realising again how unfair he’s been.</p>
<p>James is fine. It’s not like she knows Bucky’s her dad or is affected by his lack of affection. She’s still a happy and healthy baby girl and that’s what’s really important here, not how Steve feels about it. He looks at how relaxed Bucky looks with his cat in his lap and tries to remember that that’s a miracle in itself too. Both of the most important people in his life are healthy and happy. Maybe it’s not the ideal picture Steve has in his head, but it’s pretty damn amazing and he has to remember that and be okay, because this, right here, is good.</p>
<p>They’re all okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Big thanks to Aciremii for the bouncy thing idea 💜</p>
<p>Comments last time had me like whoa 😵 Thank you! And thank you for leaving kudos too and anyone's who's quietly reading and enjoying, I hope you liked this chapter ❤️</p>
<p>Up next...Thanksgiving! (which I, as a non-American, have no real idea about and figure is basically an extra Christmas with no presents?). And there's a little drama, leading to a very important chapter after that finally 🙌</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. with you I fall down</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thanksgiving and a little drama.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sure this was a good idea?” Bucky asks, feeling a little doubtful as he watches Steve check the turkey in the oven.</p><p>“Um, probably not,” Steve admits with a grin as he closes the oven door. “But as long as it’s cooked and not burnt, it can’t taste too bad, right?”</p><p>Bucky supposes the positive attitude is a good thing. Steve’s been oddly cheery the last couple of days, since he asked if Bucky was okay with his friends coming for Thanksgiving. Bucky had forgotten all about the holiday, but Steve seemed excited, so he nodded and agreed. So it’s another day of dressing a little nicer and trying to be friendly, while Steve continues improving his cooking skills.</p><p>Bucky’s not the only one dressed nicely. James is in a gold and pink dress, so much more princessy than what Steve usually dresses her in, but apparently it was a gift from someone named Pepper. There’s a matching bow headband on her head, flattening her brown hair, but she doesn’t seem bothered by it as she’s poking her fingers into squishy blocks on her high-chair tray before knocking them to the ground.</p><p>Steve was picking them up each time, but eventually Bucky started helping too, because Steve’s doing most of the cooking and James is apparently endlessly entertained by dropping the blocks and having someone put them back in front of her.</p><p>Bucky abandons his work on the cranberry sauce for a moment to pick another block up.</p><p>“Bah gah!” James shrieks and then knocks another block down, where it bounces harmlessly on the floor.</p><p>Bucky picks that one up and puts it back for her, getting another happy shriek, before resuming his cranberry duties as Steve checks the clock.</p><p>“Damn, they’ll be here any minute,” he states, before looking over at Bucky. “I need to run and get changed, can you…”</p><p>Bucky nods, knowing the question already. “I’ll watch her,” he confirms, as Steve gives him a grateful look and runs off upstairs. The thing is, Bucky’s kind of used to it by now, these little moments where he and James are alone, and he’s better at them. He doesn’t panic like he used to or get scared that somehow he won’t look after her properly even for a couple of minutes. Plus he’s figured out that generally she’s fine on her own and doesn’t need much from him anyway.</p><p>He potters around the kitchen, getting plates and glasses as he waits for Steve to return, while James happily plays in her high-chair.</p><p>Of course, he ends up bending down to pick up another block for her. “I know you’re doing that on purpose,” he tells her as he puts it down in front of her.</p><p>She reaches out and grabs at his left fingers at the same time and Bucky instantly stills, not wanting to risk hurting her. She gives him a huge smile with some baby babble as she grips his ring finger, and he feels himself smiling back, before she gets distracted by the blocks and lets go of him, knocking one over the edge again.</p><p>This time Alpine’s there in a flash and she bats at the block with her paw before pouncing on it. Bucky huffs in amusement and crouches down to watch her. “Everyone likes the blocks,” he murmurs to himself. He goes over to Alpine’s stash of things and finds a little squishy mouse catnip toy to throw to her instead, before bending down to pick up the block, just as Steve reappears.</p><p>“Hey,” he says as he straightens up and turns to see Steve staring at him. He holds the block up. “Um, Alpine kinda attacked it, so I guess that means it needs washing?” He knows cats and babies don’t really mix well, in terms of hygiene, so he spends a lot of time washing the floors so it’s safe for James to crawl around and he got a litter box with a cover and a little door, so James can’t get at it easily, plus Bucky cleans it out all the time. It’s lots of work, but Bucky doesn’t mind it. Alpine is worth it and he doesn’t want James to get sick.</p><p>Steve lifts his eyebrows, looking amused as Alpine scuttles past his feet, having batted the mouse toy across the room. “Yeah thanks, Buck,” Steve confirms as Bucky tosses the block over to him.</p><p>Bucky then notices how nice he looks. He’s wearing dark form-fitting jeans and a blue button-down shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Steve doesn’t often dress up, neither of them do really, but he looks really nice like this. Bucky hopes he looks okay too. He put on his black jeans with a navy and black checked shirt and he tied his hair back and shaved. He hopes he looks good enough for a holiday dinner, because Steve definitely does.</p><p>Bucky’s eyes follow Steve as he heads over to James, putting her favourite dinosaur toy down on her table. Recently, if she notices it missing, she gets upset, so Steve’s always trying to remember to take it everywhere she goes. He watches as Steve murmurs at her for a moment, eyes full of love, and then the doorbell goes.</p><p>“I’ll go let them in,” Steve tells him, with a reassuring smile.</p><p>Bucky’s left watching James for a few moments as he hears Steve let his friends in and them greeting each other and he tries to stay calm as they arrive in the kitchen. It’s not a big deal this time. He’s already met them both and they were perfectly nice to him. Surprisingly so.</p><p>“Hi,” he greets them both, hands shoved in the back pockets of his jeans, trying to make eye contact with each and look friendly. Natasha’s in jeans and a nice green sweater, while Sam is in a blue shirt similar to Steve’s, with black slacks, so Bucky’s glad he made an effort to look nice, but not over the top nice. “Um, Happy Thanksgiving,” he adds, biting his bottom lip.</p><p>Sam smiles warmly at him. “Happy Thanksgiving to you. We brought pumpkin pie,” he gestures with the dish in his hands, putting it down on the counter. Then his attention goes to James. “And look at you, all dressed up!” he exclaims at her, heading over to her and touching the bow on her head as James smiles, looking up at him.</p><p>“A gift from Pepper,” Steve explains at Sam’s look.</p><p>“Happy Thanksgiving, Bucky,” Natasha offers, a kind look on her face, before she notices Alpine sniffing around her feet. “Oh hello there, Miss Alpine I presume?” she says, bending down. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” She holds her hand out and Alpine rubs herself against it straight away.</p><p>“She likes you,” Steve comments with a knowing grin at Bucky.</p><p>He’d reassured Bucky that both Natasha and Sam liked cats, but Bucky was still a little concerned, and a little worried about Alpine and if she’d like meeting new people, but apparently she likes them just fine.</p><p>“Can I pick her up?” Natasha asks, looking up at Bucky.</p><p>“Oh, um, sure,” Bucky agrees, both surprised and pleased that Natasha would want to and touched that she would ask first.</p><p>She picks up Alpine carefully, clearly knowing how to hold a cat, cooing as she stands up with her, not even seeming bothered by the white fur Alpine’s leaving on her sweater. “She’s very beautiful,” she comments.</p><p>Bucky feels oddly proud that Natasha seems to like his cat so much. “Yeah, she’s gorgeous,” he huffs, a little shyly. “A bit hyper sometimes, but she’s the best,” he adds. He truly adores his cat. She’s very independent, but she also makes Bucky feel wanted and special when she comes to find him and demands attention. No one else needs him that way.</p><p>Natasha pets Alpine a little more and then carefully places her back on the floor. “She looks very well taken care of,” she says as she stands, giving Bucky what looks like a supportive smile.</p><p>Bucky feels that strange proud feeling again and he doesn’t know what to say, feeling a little shy as he looks at the floor, fiddling with the hem of his shirt, before Natasha moves over to say hi to James and give her a cuddle. Bucky thinks it’s sweet, how Steve’s friends fuss over her, as Steve looks on like the proud dad he is.</p><p>Most of Thanksgiving is like that in fact, with much of the attention on James, along with the food, which turns out not half bad. Bucky sits dutifully at the table, sneakily feeding Alpine pieces of turkey when no one’s looking, as they coo over James eating more ‘big girl’ food as Sam calls it, while Steve asks them about how things are going for them, Avengers-wise, while the parade plays in the background on the TV.</p><p>Bucky wonders if Steve misses it, even though he knows how much he loves James and wouldn’t change her for anything. But hearing Natasha and Sam’s stories and adventures still reminds him how much Steve sacrificed for James, and for him. It makes it so easy to say what he’s thankful for when Sam prompts them all to do so after dinner, even if he feels a little self-conscious in front of Steve’s friends still.</p><p>“I’ll start us off,” Sam states, holding up his glass. “I’m thankful for my new set of badass wings that I just got.”</p><p>Bucky sees Natasha rolling her eyes. “Oh, that’s heartfelt.”</p><p>Sam just grins at her and gives her a shrug.</p><p>“I’m thankful that Steve’s cooking turned out pretty great,” Natasha continues with a smirk.</p><p>Bucky’s glad about that too. It wasn’t exactly how he remembered it, like it used to be back in Brooklyn, but Steve did a good job and Bucky helped and it feels good to know it’s appreciated.</p><p>Steve lets out a deep sigh as Sam chuckles. “Okay, this is really not how you’re supposed to give thanks,” Steve fake huffs, the others joking and arguing with him.</p><p>Bucky finds himself speaking up suddenly. “I, um…” he starts, and their chatter ceases as they all look at him. He looks at his plate for a moment, before looking up, but not at anyone directly. “I’m thankful for Steve,” he says, biting his lip. “For, um, still being my best friend after all this time and for taking care of me,” he adds, risking glancing over at Steve, meeting his eyes.</p><p>Steve stares back at him, looking touched, and Bucky smiles slightly and then feels nervous and looks at his plate again. He hopes it was okay to say that, it just…it’s what he’s most thankful for in his life and he wanted to say it. He wants Steve to know.</p><p>“We take care of each other,” Steve murmurs quietly, and even though the others can hear it, it feels like it’s just for Bucky and makes his heart feel warm. “I’m thankful for my family,” Steve continues, speaking louder now, breaking the soft moment between them, and Bucky glances back at him. “I, um…I never thought I’d have this,” he says, looking round the table, “but here I am.” He smiles at James, who’s blinking her eyes like she’s about to fall asleep in her chair at any moment. “I’m just …” Steve breaks off, looking round the table again, before his eyes settle on Bucky. “I have everything I need and I’m thankful for that.”</p><p>Bucky feels himself go a little red in the face. There’s a moment of silence where they just look at each other, before Natasha speaks up.</p><p>“I’d be thankful if there were also more wine,” she jokes, and Steve moves his gaze from Bucky as he rolls his eyes at her and their teasing chatter starts again, Sam piping up too.</p><p>Steve sighs long-sufferingly as he gets up from his chair, giving Bucky’s shoulder a little squeeze as he goes past. “More wine, coming right up.”</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Thanksgiving turns out to be just what Steve needed. No matter how much he adores Bucky, he realises it’s important for him to see Nat and Sam too, to give him a little break and to take a little of the weight from his shoulders. It brings a different dynamic to the house too, making him feel a little more connected to the rest of the world. He knows they live a very insular life right now and they need to get out there and become part of the community, if not for their own sakes, then for James’, but that feels like a problem for the new year.</p><p>And while the day wasn’t all perfect, Bucky really tried, Steve could see that. And after Bucky said he was thankful for him, Steve didn’t even want to think about the things he’d said to Nat on the phone. He’d been so unfair.</p><p>Of course, it’s not like he can take it back though, and he saw Nat watching Bucky as they watched the football and her and Sam cooed over James crawling around, while Bucky sat and petted Alpine on the couch. He could see her appraising the situation, watching how Bucky stayed in the room, but kept himself a little separate and didn’t involve himself with James. But even though Steve still wishes it were different, he didn’t feel that sadness that he felt before. Maybe after all this time, he’s finally learnt patience? Plus he just wants to be grateful today for the things he does have, instead of wishing for things he doesn’t.</p><p>Because really, who else is lucky enough that they get to fall asleep tonight with Bucky Barnes’ head on their chest.</p><p>They’d started out on their own sides of the bed, but as Bucky drifted off, he’d wrapped himself across Steve, a leg hooked over his, head using his chest as a pillow, so Steve has a face full of soft brown hair that smells like vanilla today, and soft skin against his own, and he knows it’s wrong, but he allows himself to dream. To pretend that it’s more than it is. To just this once, let himself believe that they’re more than just friends.</p><p>He imagines Bucky tilting his head up for a bedtime kiss, before snuggling in close. He imagines how soft and sweet his lips would be, how even a small goodnight kiss would burn into Steve’s body, setting him alight. Since the ice, Steve’s always felt a little cold, like it’s deep in his bones or something, but Bucky would make that all go away. He’d make Steve always feel warm.</p><p>He imagines sliding his hand beneath Bucky’s shirt, so he can trace patterns against the warm skin of his back as he falls asleep. He thinks about falling asleep like that and waking to lips on his skin, maybe on his chest or neck, kissing him awake gently.</p><p>None of that happens, of course, but Steve stays awake for a long time just basking in it, letting his imagination run wild, and at the same time letting himself brush Bucky’s hair back carefully when it falls into his face. Because even though his imaginary life is great, Steve can also just appreciate holding him, being the only person in the world who gets to do this…for now at least.</p><p>And that matters. It matters somehow more than any of the other stuff. He’s thankful for this special moment more than anything else.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Steve wakes up to what feels like lips against his neck. It feels nice and Steve hums a little in happiness, turning towards the touch, before opening his eyes and realising Bucky’s shifted in his sleep so his face is now buried against Steve’s neck.</p><p>Bucky makes a little sleepy noise as Steve stays there frozen, and then Bucky moves a little, his lips brushing Steve’s neck again, before he turns his head and blinks open bleary eyes, meeting Steve’s gaze.</p><p>“Hey,” Bucky murmurs, open and sweet looking, clearly still only half awake.</p><p>“Mornin’,” Steve manages, voice croaky.</p><p>Bucky reaches a hand up to scratch at his eyebrow before he seems to realise where he is. He shifts back, a little frown on his face. “Sorry,” he apologises, untangling his leg from Steve’s. He huffs a little, maybe looking a little embarrassed. “Looks like we got all tangled up.”</p><p>Steve shrugs, not wanting it to be a big deal. They still share a bed quite often, which Steve loves, but they haven’t slept quite as tangled up as this before. “I don’t mind. I was cosy,” he says stupidly.</p><p>Bucky looks a little bemused, which is much better than sorry in Steve’s opinion. “Good to know,” he replies, rolling onto his back. “What time is it?”</p><p>Steve cranes his neck to look at the alarm clock. “Mm, ten-thirty-ish?” He’s in no hurry to get up, Nat already ordering him last night to have a well-deserved lie in.</p><p>Bucky seems to wake up at that. “I didn’t feed Alpine, she’s gonna be hungry,” he says, face falling, already shifting to get up, but Steve reaches a hand out to stop him, resting it on his metal arm.</p><p>“I already asked Nat to take care of it,” he promises. “She’s always up really early and she likes Alpine a lot.”</p><p>Bucky pauses and looks a little disbelieving. “Are you sure?” he checks.</p><p>“Promise,” Steve reassures him. He slumps down a little in bed. “Come sleep a bit more,” he adds, patting the bed.</p><p>Bucky looks like he’s debating it, but then lies back down too. “Okay. I guess that’s okay,” he murmurs, more to himself than Steve. Then he surprises Steve by snuggling in close next to him, not tangled with him like last night, but close and warm.</p><p>Steve’s hand instantly goes to wrap round him as he shuts his eyes, revelling in this little moment that’s just for them. This time, he lets himself fall asleep quickly, feeling cosy and happy.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Just like last time, when they eventually wake up and get dressed and head downstairs, Nat and Sam are already up. James is having her lunchtime bottle with Sam, though she can now hold the bottle herself, while Nat’s playing with a rod with a string of feathers attached with Alpine, who’s going crazy for it.</p><p>“Good morning,” she greets them both.</p><p>“Mornin’,” Steve replies, feeling cheery. “Thanks for the lie in,” he grins at them both. It’s not that he needs extra sleep, but it’s nice to have the option. Plus that option involved snuggling with Bucky, so he’s definitely grateful to his friends.</p><p>Sam gives him a little salute. “Least we could do. Also I ate all the leftover pie.”</p><p>Steve rolls his eyes at him as Sam grins back. He sees Bucky looking over at Alpine’s bowl, which has a few little cat biscuits left in it.</p><p>“Thank you for feeding Alpine,” Bucky states, looking to Nat.</p><p>“You’re welcome,” Nat replies, still looking enthralled with Alpine playing with the cat toy. “I forgot how much I love cats,” she adds.</p><p>Bucky seems to like that. He does one of his little shy smiles that Steve has come to adore.</p><p>“So, I realise you guys haven’t had breakfast,” Sam interrupts Steve’s thoughts, “but I was thinking we could get Chinese for lunch?”</p><p>“Yeah, sounds good,” Steve agrees absentmindedly. He never orders take-out for himself, because it always feels weird to order take-out just for one. Though he supposes now Bucky’s here, they could do that together. That realisation feels nice. “Buck?” he checks, looking over at him.</p><p>“Sure,” Bucky nods along, as Steve sort of expected him to.</p><p>Steve grabs the menu from the junk drawer and brings it over to Sam and they pass it around, Steve taking James from him. She gurgles happily at him.</p><p>“Hey there,” Steve coos at her, pressing a kiss to her forehead while the others choose their food and then Sam grabs his phone.</p><p>“Hey, how about me and Barnes go get it?” Sam suggests after they’ve phoned the order in. The thing about the local Chinese place is it actually doesn’t deliver at lunchtime, so they have to collect. It’s only a ten-minute walk though.</p><p>Bucky looks surprised at the idea, though Steve can see him try to hide it.</p><p>“Good idea,” Nat murmurs, taking James from Steve’s arms and smiling widely at her as James gurgles back happily.</p><p>Steve can’t help but think that they planned this, and he gives her a suspicious look that’s ignored. He sighs internally. “That sound okay, Buck?” he checks. He doesn’t want Bucky to feel like he has to, but he would like him to get to know Sam better, which he imagines is the point of this.</p><p>Bucky bites his lip a little. “Yeah, that-that sounds fine. I’ll just get ready,” he says, before heading out the room.</p><p>Steve waits until he can hear his footsteps on the stairs. “Okay, what are you guys doing?” he asks, a suspicious look on his face.</p><p>“Just thought it would be good for you both to have a little space,” Sam admits. “Nat said you were having a tough time.”</p><p>Steve sighs, touched, while being a little frustrated at himself for making them worry so much. “I was just having a bad day, everything’s fine, really. Yesterday was much better.” It really was. Somehow it gave him much needed perspective on everything.</p><p>“It’s only for a few minutes,” Nat counters. “It might be nice to try and get him to feel okay around us on his own, like he fits in and not just because you’re there.”</p><p>Steve feels a little doubtful, but gives in. “Alright, fine. But be nice,” he warns.</p><p>Sam scoffs at him. “Look who you’re talking to.”</p><p>When Bucky returns, wearing the wool pea coat they got—and looking gorgeous in it—along with his boots, he seems maybe a little nervous but also determined. “I’m ready,” he announces to Sam, and Sam nods and gets to his feet.</p><p>“Alright, we’ll be back in twenty,” Sam tells them, giving James a little wave, following Bucky out.</p><p>Steve hears the front door close and lets out a sigh, leaning on the counter. He hopes this goes okay.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Being out with just Sam is kind of weird. Bucky walks side by side with him, trying to not come off as nervous as he is. Sam seems nice and friendly, but even now, he realises in the back of his mind, he’s still waiting for someone to warn him off. Natasha didn’t do it yet, so he figures maybe Sam’s going to. Maybe that’s why he wanted to be alone with him? Maybe they discussed it and decided that was Sam’s job? He waits, sure he must be right.</p><p>“So I woke up to your cat sitting on my chest,” Sam starts.</p><p>That’s not what Bucky expected. “Oh, um…sorry,” he offers, hoping Sam’s not mad. He slept on the couch and Alpine tends to like to sleep there or on her bed near the fireplace, so really, Sam was invading her bedtime space.</p><p>“Nah, it was cute,” Sam grins. “Seems like a nice addition to the house.”</p><p>Bucky nods. “Yeah, she is.”</p><p>“We’re really glad you’re settling in,” Sam continues as they turn from Steve’s road to the next street.</p><p>“Um, thanks,” he manages, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. He’s wearing his gloves too, just in case, and his right hand is a little sweaty, but he feels better like this. There’s a gentle breeze and it’s cold even though the sun’s out.</p><p>Sam gives him a glance and a smile. His teeth are really white and there’s a little gap between the front two at the top. “Steve’s been through a lot, it’s really a miracle that he still has you,” he continues. “There’s no one else who could get him the way you do.”</p><p>Bucky supposes that’s true. There’s no one else who has their shared history. No one still alive who remembers them from back then either. He wonders if Steve found that lonely, when he woke up here in this strange new time alone? He’d ask him, but he doesn’t want to bring back bad memories or make Steve think he can reciprocate. Bucky can’t speak about <em>his</em> bad memories.</p><p>“So how are you doing?” Sam continues, after a pause where Bucky doesn’t reply.</p><p>“Fine,” Bucky replies instantly. He is, he thinks. “Steve’s helped me,” he adds, so Sam knows he’s grateful for that.</p><p>“He’s a good guy,” Sam comments. “Must have been a shock though, coming back to find him with James. How are you doing with all that now you’ve had a bit of time?”</p><p>Bucky doesn’t know how to answer that one. James is still…he doesn’t want to think about it. He’s not a father, he knows that. They stole his DNA and created her and maybe that means she’s his, but he just can’t…</p><p>“Steve takes great care of her,” he decides to answer.</p><p>“No doubt,” Sam agrees. “But how do you feel about the whole thing?” he pushes. He glances at Bucky, looking a little apologetic. “I don’t mean to pry or anything, but I sort of figured that you and Steve maybe don’t talk about this much, and you know, if you need someone else to talk to…?”</p><p>Bucky feels deeply uncomfortable now. He looks down at his feet before remembering he should be scanning the area as they walk and returns to doing that. “It was a surprise,” he settles on, keeping his voice even.</p><p>Sam lets out a breath. “That it was, for us too. You know, when we found her, as soon as we found out she was yours, Steve couldn’t put her down. I think she spent the first week sleeping on his chest before we could convince him to put her in a crib.”</p><p>“She’s not,” Bucky states before he can stop himself, cutting over Sam’s words a little.</p><p>“Hmm?” Sam murmurs, not seeming annoyed by the interruption.</p><p>“Mine,” Bucky clarifies. “She’s Steve’s.” He would have thought Steve would have been clear on that and that his friends would know that.</p><p>There’s a pause from Sam, but Bucky doesn’t look over, focusing instead on the few cars that drive past them as they walk. He’s still not used to how quiet it is here, memories of a big city so embedded in his mind that it’s hard to remember that not all places are like that.</p><p>“I think that’s real decent of you, man, but I know Steve wants you to be involved…he would never want you to feel like she isn’t yours just because he’s her dad too. I just mean, you don’t have to feel like you aren’t her father, cause I know Steve respects that and—”</p><p>Bucky’s abruptly had enough. It’s too much and he’s just <em>wrong</em>. “I-I don’t…I can’t…” Bucky stops walking, clenching his metal hand in his pocket. He suddenly doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want Steve’s friends asking him things, testing him like he now realises they are. But he promised Steve he would tell him if he left. He glances at Sam, who’s also stopped and is looking worriedly at him and is starting to apologise.</p><p>“Hey, it’s okay, I didn’t mean to push—”</p><p>Bucky shakes his head, stopping him. “I don’t want Chinese anymore,” he states, already deciding on the way he’s going to go. “Tell Steve I’ll be back later.”</p><p>“Wait, what?” Sam asks, reaching a hand out, but Bucky turns quickly and heads across the street, walking fast but not running.</p><p>“Bucky!” he hears Sam yell after him, but he ignores it, quickly losing him as he heads round a corner and then another. He doesn’t think Sam will chase him, but he makes sure he can’t anyway. He’s good at losing people. He was trained to be a ghost. And there’s just too much noise in his head and he can’t handle it and he just needs to get away.</p><p>But just for now.</p><p>He made a promise.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Buuuuckkyy 😭 Sam didn't mean to upset you! 😫</p><p>Hope you enjoyed, and a massive thanks for sticking with this slowest of burns 🔥</p><p>Up next...Steve mad, and allllll the talking finally 🙌</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. it still hurts underneath my scars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>All the talking.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You lost him?!”</p><p>Sam cringes a little. “I didn’t lose him, he ran off,” he counters, grimacing.</p><p>Steve can’t believe what he’s hearing. He’s already moving to get his shoes as desperation rises up in him. “Where was this?” he asks, tugging them on.</p><p>“Steve, he told me to tell you he’d be back later, I don’t think he wants you looking for him,” Sam tells him carefully.</p><p>Steve pauses at that nugget of information and the fact that Bucky thought to say that. “You want me to just wait until he comes back?” he asks incredulously, because even if Bucky meant that, he’s obviously upset and he needs to go and find him. He needs to make whatever’s wrong okay.</p><p>Nat is watching them with James in her arms, who looks close to starting to cry, maybe sensing the change in atmosphere, when before they were happily playing together. “What made him run off anyway?” Nat asks.</p><p>Sam grimaces as Steve looks at him, curious to know too. “I may have asked him about James, about how he feels about that whole situation…”</p><p>Steve feels his heart beat faster, anger flooding him. “Why would you do that?” He takes a breath, resting his hands on his hips, trying to control himself. “I told you not to overwhelm him!”</p><p>Sam holds his hands up in surrender. “I was just trying to get a feel for where he’s at, so I could help you…and him.” He looks hugely apologetic. “I can’t help myself, you know me…”</p><p>Steve takes a breath, still trying to keep control of himself, trying to tell himself that Sam only meant well, but he just can’t get past the fact that Bucky’s gone again. It’s exactly what he’s been scared of this whole time. All he can think about is what if Bucky <em>doesn’t</em> come back. “Do you think he meant it?” he asks, gritting his teeth.</p><p>“Meant what?”</p><p>“That he’d come back?” Steve exhales, full of annoyance and impatience.</p><p>James starts crying just then, a sad little wail coming from her as Nat starts bouncing her.</p><p>“Oh Jaime, don’t be sad, it’s okay,” she tries to soothe her. “Daddy’s just upset, but it’ll be okay.”</p><p>Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, annoyed now at Sam <em>and</em> at himself for upsetting his baby. He heads over and reaches out for her. “Here, baby, it’s okay,” he murmurs as Nat transfers her over, and he holds her close to his chest. “I’m sorry, daddy didn’t mean to yell.”</p><p>James makes another wail and then a little hiccup as Nat passes Steve her dinosaur stuffy and he waves it at her, trying to get her to calm down. “Well?” he can’t help asking Sam, though keeping his voice calm this time as he glances over.</p><p>Sam shrugs, giving James a sad little look, like he feels bad that she’s sad too. “I wish I could say yes, but I don’t really know him. You know him. If he says he’ll be back, do you think he will?”</p><p>Steve forces his breathing to steady. Bucky did promise him. And he said he’d never lie to him. “He will,” Steve realises, letting himself feel a tiny bit of relief. “If he said he’ll be back, then he will.” James’ chubby fingers reach for the stuffy and she starts chewing on the tail, thankfully ceasing the crying as Steve wipes his fingers over the tears on her face, feeling terrible.</p><p>Nat seems reassured by that. “Well then, I think we’ll just have to wait for him to come back.”</p><p>Steve, while still mad, sort of hates himself as he looks over at Nat, about to open his mouth. But of course, she gets it before he even says it.</p><p>“Or you’ll wait,” she amends, giving him an understanding look. “I think me and Sam should probably head out so we’re not crowding up the place when he gets back.”</p><p>God, Steve is so grateful for her. He gives her an appreciative smile, as much as he can smile right then, which is barely anything and more of a lip twitch.</p><p>She leans in and gives James a kiss on the forehead. “Bye, bye, sweetie,” she murmurs gently. “I’ll just grab my stuff,” she tells Sam, before heading off upstairs.</p><p>Sam looks a little awkward when they’re left alone. “I really am sorry,” he tries.</p><p>Steve presses his cheek against James’ hair, taking comfort in her sweet baby smell. He tries to be reasonable. He knows Sam meant well. “It’s okay. I should have been clearer. He did so well with you guys, I know it seems like he’s okay, but he’s not.”</p><p>Sam nods. “I know.” He lets out a sigh. “Honestly, I think a lot of it is about James, more than anything else.” He grimaces a little as he speaks, as though worried Steve will be mad at him for saying that.</p><p>Steve sighs, rubbing James’ back. “I know. I don’t really know what to do except just let him be,” he admits.</p><p>Sam rubs at his eyebrow. “Honestly, man, you just need to talk to him. Sit him down and ask him. Otherwise he’s never gonna let it out and all the coercing we try to do isn’t going to get to the core of it. You can’t keep tiptoeing around the issues anymore, as much as you might want to.”</p><p>Steve kisses James’ head, bouncing her a little. <em>Talking</em>. It seems to be the solution to everything these days. “I know,” he agrees, albeit reluctantly. “I will, I just…I just want him to come home.”</p><p>Nat appears from the stairs, a bag in hand, quick and efficient as ever. “Ready to go?” she asks Sam.</p><p>Sam nods, still looking guilty.</p><p>Nat goes over to give Steve a hug and say goodbye to James again. “Keep in touch, let us know if you need anything and let us know when he’s back?”</p><p>Steve nods. “I will,” he promises and he means it, because he knows his friends really do care and are trying their best to help.</p><p>Sam grabs his bag from the hall closet and gives them both a wave, probably not knowing if their usual hug would be welcome, things still a little tense, though Steve knows it wasn’t really his fault. But he doesn’t have the energy right now to deal with it fully.</p><p>He sees them out, James babbling at them as they leave, having dropped her dinosaur on the floor.</p><p>Steve sighs as he watches them go, before he heads back to the living room, looking at their masses of unopened Chinese food where it sits on the coffee table. The day had started off so well…</p><p>Steve sighs again to himself and looks at James, who stares back at him with wide eyes that are basically a replica of Bucky’s. “Shall we do some reading?” he offers, trying to think of things to keep himself busy while he waits for Bucky to come home. “Let’s go find something.”</p><p>He heads for the stairs, a lead weight in his chest as he realises they’re alone in the house again. It used to feel fine, just him and James, but it just doesn’t anymore. Bucky’s become part of the household, like he belongs there, like he always was. Steve hates the idea of going back.</p><p>He just prays Bucky comes home soon.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Steve’s staring mindlessly at the TV when he finally hears a noise. It’s after nine at night and James has been sleeping soundly for a few hours now and Steve couldn’t bring himself to do anything else, so he’s just been sitting on the couch, switching between staring towards the front door and the TV.</p><p>He also remembered Bucky doesn’t have a key with him, so he’s left the door unlocked so Bucky can just come straight in when he gets back. Every noise has had him leaping up, until he finally settled and realised he just had to be patient. So he’s been trying. He really has. But this noise is closer.</p><p>His heart leaps in his chest as the doorknob moves and then it opens and there he is.</p><p>Bucky comes in quietly, shutting the door behind him, before stepping forward and seeing Steve on the couch. He’s holding a potted plant in his hands.</p><p>Steve’s been alternating between being scared Bucky wouldn’t come back even though he promised, to being angry that he left, even though he knows it’s not fair to think that. It’s not like Bucky’s a prisoner here. God, if he wanted to leave for a week or a month or forever, Steve wouldn’t have any right to say anything about it. The idea of that makes him feel physically sick though.</p><p>Still, the emotion that wins out when he sees Bucky is just pure relief with a side of confusion about the plant. He’s on his feet before he realises, wrapping his arms around Bucky in the next moment.</p><p>“Bucky,” he breathes out against Bucky’s neck as he holds him tight.</p><p>Bucky hugs him back, gripping Steve’s shoulder blade with his right hand while the left just holds the plant out to the side of them.</p><p>Steve doesn’t want to let go, isn’t really sure if he can, and Bucky doesn’t make a move to let go either, so they hold each other for much longer than any normal hug, Steve feeling the chill on Bucky’s coat as he holds him close.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Steve eventually murmurs against him.</p><p>He feels Bucky nod his head and then they finally pull apart together.</p><p>“I told Falcon to tell you I’d come back later,” Bucky says with a little frown, like he’s annoyed the message wasn’t relayed.</p><p>“Sam, remember?” Steve can’t help correcting. He doesn’t want Bucky to think of his friends as Avengers first. That can’t bode well if he’s gone back to that.</p><p>Bucky shrugs a shoulder, before placing the plant down next to him on the floor and taking his gloves and coat off and hanging it up and then crouching to remove his boots.</p><p>“He’s really sorry he upset you,” Steve tells him, not quite sure what to say.</p><p>Something twitches across Bucky’s face as he moves to line his boots up neatly with the shoes by the door. “It just…it was too much,” he replies quietly. “I just needed some space.”</p><p>Steve hates that Bucky needed that. He feels like he let him down. “Where did you go?” he asks lightly, trying not to sound as concerned as he is. He’s been picturing in his head where Bucky might have been, but the plant has thrown him off.</p><p>“The park. And then the garden store. I stopped by Aggie’s too.” He moves back to the plant and picks it up. “This is for you,” he says, holding it out. “It’s an Snapdragon.”</p><p>Steve takes it, still a little perplexed. It’s pretty, with orange-red flowers. “Thank you,” he says dumbly.</p><p>“I’ll plant it for you,” Bucky explains, eyes brightening a little.</p><p>“The garden store is almost twenty minutes away in the car,” Steve realises out loud.</p><p>“I know,” Bucky says easily. “I walked it.”</p><p>Steve swallows. He puts the plant down on the coffee table and summons his courage. “Look, Buck, we really need to talk,” he starts.</p><p>Bucky looks at him, biting his lip. He looks scared all of a sudden. Steve doesn’t think anyone else would be able to tell that, but he can.</p><p>“Did you eat anything?” Steve can’t help asking, relenting, because he’s still picturing Bucky walking miles all alone.</p><p>“I bought a sandwich at the garden store café,” Bucky informs him, looking worried, like maybe that wasn’t the right thing to do. “And Aggie made me a cup of tea just now.”</p><p>Steve feels relieved that he hasn’t just been starving all day. “That’s good,” he tries to reassure him. “Do you want something now though?” He knows how much he needs to eat to be full and one sandwich isn’t nearly enough.</p><p>Bucky nods, hesitantly, like he isn’t sure if he should ask for it.</p><p>Alpine chooses that moment to make her appearance, coming over to mew plaintively at Bucky. Somehow she makes it sound like she’s telling him off, Steve thinks.</p><p>Bucky gives her a sad look and bends down to pet her. “Hey, Alpy,” he murmurs.</p><p>“I fed her,” Steve says before he can ask, as Bucky looks up at him.</p><p>“Thank you,” Bucky replies, biting his lip again.</p><p>Steve nods. “I’ll go reheat the Chinese.” Steve ate over half of it all himself, in a sad stupor while he waited all evening. He starts heading for the kitchen, but Bucky’s voice stops him.</p><p>“Can I go plant this?” he asks, and Steve looks back to see he’s got the plant in his hands again, and a cautious, almost wary look in his eyes, like he thinks Steve will say no.</p><p>Steve lets out a breath. “Of course, Buck.”</p><p>Bucky nods a little, looking a little better hearing that, like maybe he thought Steve would stop him doing the things he liked. Steve can’t stand the idea that he thought that, but then realises, maybe that’s all Bucky’s known for so long. Having things taken away from him.</p><p>Steve can’t let himself go down that path, because if he does he knows he won’t pull himself out again for a long time. And this isn’t about him. It’s about Bucky.</p><p>He goes to the kitchen and gets started heating the food up for them both, because he thinks Bucky might feel self-conscious eating alone. Bucky heads past him to the backyard and Steve tries to focus on the task at hand instead of heading out there, but he hates it. He doesn’t really want Bucky out of his sight right now, still on edge from him leaving.</p><p>Bucky comes back in quickly though, for some water for the plant, and then returns again to wash soil from his hands as Steve’s serving the food out.</p><p>They sit at the counter eating dinner, neither talking. Steve just doesn’t know how things got so weird between them. And he knows he’s about to make it worse, because it’s clear now that he needs to force the issue and get this thing out in the open for there to be any hope of Bucky being happier.</p><p>Bucky’s finished and Steve’s still picking at his food when Bucky speaks up. “Do your friends hate me now?” he asks softly.</p><p>Steve lets out a breath and puts his fork down, any remaining appetite gone at the sad resignation in Bucky’s voice. “No, they don’t hate you,” he tries to reassure him. “They’re worried about you.” He suddenly remembers he said he’d tell them when Bucky was home. “Actually, I said I’d tell them when you got back.” He pulls his phone out and sends a quick text, feeling Bucky’s eyes on him. He puts it on the counter and steels himself and turns to face Bucky.</p><p>“Buck, I need you to tell me what upset you,” he says, keeping his voice firm but kind.</p><p>“Why?” Bucky utters, a somewhat defensive look in his eyes as he glances at him.</p><p>“Because I’m worried that if we don’t talk about it, that it will upset you again and I don’t want that. I want you to be happy,” Steve says honestly. He thinks that his whole life, that might really be the only thing he’s ever truly wanted. That, and for his ma not to be sick.</p><p>Bucky looks at him for a moment, looking like he’s running through options in his head. “He asked about James,” he finally says.</p><p>“I know,” Steve replies, wanting to be honest.</p><p>Bucky frowns a little and looks away. “You, your friends…I know you think I’m a freak,” he finally says.</p><p>Steve feels that like a slap to the face. “What? No, we—”</p><p>“Don’t lie to me,” Bucky talks over him, getting a little louder, but his voice is not angry, just firm. “I can see it. You all keep pushing, like you can’t understand why I’m like this, like I should have looked at her and just loved her and I just <em>can’t</em>,” Bucky says, the last words coming out forcefully, and suddenly Steve realises what this is all about.</p><p>Bucky’s clenching his jaw as he looks at him and Steve doesn’t know what to say. But Bucky continues on anyway.</p><p>“And I know you’ll hate me for it, because you love her, I know that…I can see it…but <em>I</em> don’t know how to love something they made from something they stole from me. You say she’s mine, but she’s not.” He looks frustrated as he moves his gaze to look at the countertop instead of at Steve. “She doesn’t feel that way to me. And you keep pushing us together and I-I keep trying, to try and find whatever it is you want me to have with her, but I don’t know what it is.” He pauses, biting his lip again for a moment, before looking over at Steve. “And I want to try, because it’s what you want, and I don’t want you to hate me and I know what you sacrificed for her, because you thought it was for me, but I can’t be another father to her, Steve, as much as you might want me to…I just can’t.”</p><p>Steve sits there, stunned, trying to take that all in.</p><p>Bucky swallows hard, face changing from anguish to what looks like despair. “I think I should just go,” he finally states quietly, already getting up.</p><p>Steve’s on his feet a second later, grabbing his wrist to stop him. “Don’t. Please, don’t,” he implores him, more desperate than he thinks he’s ever been. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry I made you feel that way, but I promise you, I don’t hate you or think you’re a freak. I could <em>never</em> think those things.” He takes a breath, blinking back tears as he realises how wrong he did all of this, how little he really thought about Bucky’s feelings, so intent on his stupid happy family picture in his head. “I didn’t know how you felt,” he utters. “I just thought you were worried about stepping on my toes or something.”</p><p>“Exactly, Steve,” Bucky cuts in, some anger there now, as he tugs his wrist away. “You went straight to that, you couldn’t imagine another reason—”</p><p>“No, Bucky, no,” Steve cuts him off, shaking his head fiercely. “I can. I do understand,” he pleads, trying to convey how much he means that. He pauses. “I hate thinking about it, but what HYDRA did to you…it’s not your fault if you see them when you look at James.” He takes in a breath. “I only pushed because I wanted to show you how all the amazing things about her, they’re all you, no one else.”</p><p>Bucky rubs a hand over his face, looking exhausted suddenly. “They’re not though, Steve,” he replies, a little exasperated sounding. “I wasn’t there, I didn’t know she existed. All those things? They come from you. You’re raising her. She might have my hair and my eyes or whatever else you see in her, but you’re the one teaching her things and being her parent. And I just see my best friend’s daughter. That’s what I <em>have</em> to see, to be able to handle this.” He lets out a small sigh. “And I’m not saying I don’t want to try and help you with her, as much as I can, but I’m just learning and I can’t do it with you pushing and expecting me to just see her smile and decide I want to be her dad too.” He looks Steve in the eye. “It just doesn’t work like that. Not for me. And if you can’t accept that then I shouldn’t be here.” Bucky shakes his head, letting out a breath, glancing around at the kitchen. His voice lowers as sadness fills his eyes. “Maybe one day I will feel that way, but maybe I never will and you have to be okay with that if you want me here.”</p><p>Steve can’t help it. The hurt and shame and just pure tired frustration in Bucky’s voice cuts through him. He crumples. Tear break free and roll down his face as he takes a wheezing breath as he realises how much pressure he’s put on Bucky, how he’s pushed and pushed, thinking he was helping, but all he did was make Bucky feel worse, make him feel like there was something wrong with him. He can’t believe he made the most important person in his life feel this way. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I’m sorry…” He can’t get any other words out. He puts his hand over his mouth for a moment, trying to stop the noises coming out of him. “Please don’t go…” he chokes out, as he takes a gasping breath. If he didn’t know better, he’d think he was having an asthma attack, just like he used to.</p><p>Bucky’s arms are around him before he realises, tugging him close. His chin is on Steve’s shoulder and he’s shushing him, trying to soothe him. “It’s okay, Stevie,” he murmurs, holding him tight, a hand rubbing small circles on his back.</p><p>It’s like a floodgate has opened though. Steve, who never cries, can’t seem to stop himself. The last time he was this inconsolable was when he thought he’d watched Bucky die. The thought of that then worms its way in and makes him cry even more.</p><p>Bucky holds him for a long time before he pulls back and somehow they end up on the couch in the living room, as Steve still can’t seem to pull himself together. Bucky sits with him, pulling Steve to his chest, basically cradling him, waiting for the tears to die out. Of course, the gesture only makes him cry harder, because it reminds him of how Bucky did this when his mother died, how he was the only person who saw him cry, and how when he was small, he fit so perfectly against Bucky like he was made to be tucked in against him.</p><p>Eventually Steve manages to pull himself together. He sits there sniffing, hating himself. He loves Bucky so much and everything he does seems to hurt him. Maybe Bucky’s right and he should go. Maybe he’d be happier without Steve?</p><p>“I wouldn’t be happier, Stevie,” Bucky murmurs to him, and Steve realises he must have mumbled that last part aloud. “I love being here with you. Or not even here. Just anywhere with you,” Bucky soothes him. “I just…I think we need to be on the same page about this, otherwise…”</p><p>Steve nods, head still against Bucky’s chest, as Bucky trails off. He’s not at all inclined to move, soaking in every bit of comfort Bucky gives him, even if he doesn’t deserve it. “I did this all wrong. We should have just talked, been honest. I’m sorry I screwed this all up,” he sniffs, wiping at his face.</p><p>Bucky lets out a breath. “Well, we’re talking now. And that’s not just on you. I know sometimes I get quiet and stuff…and I didn’t want to upset you,” he admits. He huffs a little. “I’m only really just learning what it’s like to be in the world again and there’s a lot that’s confusing.” He pauses for a moment. “But does this work for you?” he adds, voice uncertain, even as his arms still hold Steve. “If I just see James as your daughter? Can you be okay with that?”</p><p>Steve nods against Bucky’s chest. He can. He knows he can. He’s been selfish, wanting to have everything the way he wants, they way things in an ideal world would be. But they don’t live there and they never have. Bucky had a child forced on him, stolen from him. Steve chose to take her and become her dad. It’s not fair of him to try to force that on Bucky too and now he knows why. “I can be very okay with that,” he promises, meaning it. He wanted his happy family dream world, but he wants Bucky with him more, in any capacity, and everything Bucky feels is completely fair. Steve just never took the time to think about it from his perspective. Bucky’s had everything taken from him and James is a real life representation of that, a reminder of how all Bucky’s choices were taken from him, ripped away from him, for the longest time.</p><p>He wipes at his face and finally pulls back so he can look at Bucky while he talks, so Bucky can see he means it. He needs Bucky to know he means it. “As long as you feel that you can be around her?” he checks. As awful as the idea is, he hates that just seeing James could be some sort of trigger and make Bucky think of terrible things. It wouldn’t be fair on Bucky and it wouldn’t be fair on James either.</p><p>Bucky looks awkward and lets out a little huff. “I don’t hate her, Steve, I didn’t mean to make you think that,” he apologises. “I really do mostly just see your daughter and she’s cute and kinda funny to watch, when she’s not crying,” he says with a small smile. “I think maybe I can work up to helping like Nat and Sam do, because you deserve that support.” His face falls a little. “But I have to have that separation and know you don’t expect more from me.”</p><p>Steve nods solemnly. He can do that now. Now that he understands, as far as he ever can, how Bucky feels about everything. “I want that, Buck. I do,” he promises, looking into Bucky’s eyes. “I think we’ve been holding back from each other, not wanting to upset the other,” he realises.</p><p>Bucky huffs in amusement. “Yeah, that’s probably true,” he agrees.</p><p>“So this is good, I think,” Steve realises, no matter how hard this conversation has been. “I think as long as we’re honest with each other, we’ll be okay. And we both know we can be, right?” He wants Bucky to know that, like he used to know that. “We can trust each other with anything, just like we used to, even if it’s something potentially upsetting.” He really means it, with the one exception that will always, always be an exception for him, because he can’t go there, not even in the name of being honest.</p><p>Bucky nods, but he looks slightly unsure.</p><p>It breaks Steve’s heart a little, the hesitation he sees there.</p><p>But then Bucky sets his jaw and sits up a little. “Well, in the spirit of honesty then, I need to tell you something,” he states.</p><p>Steve frowns for a moment. He didn’t expect there’d be more right now, but he wants to listen. “What is it?” he asks gently, schooling his face into something more neutral and calm.</p><p>Bucky looks down and scratches his leg. “You asked if my arm hurts,” he says, lifting his eyes to Steve’s, an apology in them. “I know I said I wouldn’t lie to you, but I lied because I didn’t want you to feel bad. But it does.”</p><p>Steve instantly feels concerned as he looks at Bucky’s metal arm. “It does? Right now?”</p><p>“All the time,” Bucky admits, looking guilty.</p><p>“What?” Steve can’t help himself, reaching out as if that will make a difference as he places his hand on the overlapping plates on Bucky’s hand, full of concern as he stares at them as if he’ll be able to see the problem.</p><p>“It’s always there,” Bucky explains with a shrug. “I tried painkillers when I was on my own, but they weren’t strong enough to help. I doubt there’s anything we can do, but you wanted honesty, so…”</p><p>Steve hates that he hid this from him. But again he understands why. They’ve both been trying so hard to just fall into this domestic home life and just fall back into being best friends that they’ve both been hiding the hard things. “Thank you for telling me,” Steve says, because he feels that’s important, for Bucky to know he’s grateful for that trust.</p><p>He moves his hand from Bucky’s hand, already going for his phone. “My friend, Tony, I don’t know if he can do anything, but if anyone can, it’s him,” he explains, before pausing. This should be Bucky’s decision, he realises. No more forcing things on him. Steve looks over at him. “Do you want me to call him?”</p><p>Bucky looks at him for a moment and then nods. “If you think he might be able to help?”</p><p>Steve nods, certain that he can, but if not he’ll find someone, somewhere, who can. He won’t let Bucky stay in pain for a moment more than he has to.</p><p>He dials, impulsively reaching out at the same time to link his hand with Bucky’s left, while Bucky looks at him with surprise but lets him, carefully holding on.</p><p>“Hey, Tony,” Steve greets him as he picks up. “I need your help.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked this very important chapter. I feel like it marks a turning point for this story. </p><p>Next up...Tony, arm stuff and lions 😁</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. from when they pulled me apart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Arm fixing stuff.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Reminder that in this world Bucky did not kill Tony's parents.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You owe me.”</p><p>Those are the first words Tony says as Steve opens the door to him a day later.</p><p>Steve practically begged him to come to them, Tony eventually relenting, because really for Bucky to stay hidden it made more sense than him going to New York or the Avengers compound, and Steve just knew Bucky wouldn’t be comfortable going to a lab anyway. He’d also then basically begged Tony to come straight away, because he can’t stand the idea of Bucky hurting for a second longer. And Tony eventually gave in and dropped everything for him. They don’t always see eye to eye, but Steve’s never felt more grateful to him.</p><p>“I know I do,” Steve sighs in relief at seeing him. Tony’s parked his fancy car in their driveway and has a big toolbox in one hand. “How are you?” he asks, as he steps aside to let Tony in.</p><p>“Actually, scratch that,” Tony says as he steps into the living room where Bucky’s sitting on the couch looking awkward, as Steve closes the door behind them. “Hello, gorgeous,” he says in awe, looking at Bucky.</p><p>Steve frowns at the comment, while Bucky looks even more awkward. “Um…hi,” Bucky tries.</p><p>“We’re even stevens, Steven,” Tony says, already approaching Bucky. “Look at this beauty.”</p><p>It’s then Steve realises he’s talking about the arm and not Bucky himself and he lets out an annoyed huff. “This is Bucky,” he says loudly, as Tony stares, putting his box down on the coffee table.</p><p>“Right, yes, Bucky Barnes,” Tony mumbles, glancing up at Bucky’s face. “You’re not going to rip my head off if I touch, are you?” he asks, gaze already going back to the arm, looking fascinated.</p><p>Bucky lets out a breath and extends his arm out.</p><p>He’s wearing one of his tanks so the whole arm is on display and Steve can tell he’s uncomfortable about it, even though Steve thinks he looks gorgeous as always, other arm showing off how he’s gained more muscle since he arrived. It feels wrong to be admiring Bucky’s body in this situation though, so Steve tries to push that thought from his mind.</p><p>“That is what you’re here for,” Bucky murmurs, giving Tony consent.</p><p>Tony’s eyes light up a little as he sits on the coffee table and reaches out to touch the plates on Bucky’s forearm.</p><p>Steve looks to Bucky to check he’s okay and Bucky gives him a tight smile back. Steve knows it means he’s not happy, but he’s okay. “Tony, you want a drink?” he decides to offer, remembering to try and be a good host.</p><p>Tony waves a hand, already completely absorbed. “Mmm, yes, whatever you say.” He trails his fingers over the plates. “Can you move them?” he asks, sounding like an excited kid.</p><p>Bucky frowns pensively. “They recalibrate sometimes.” He moves his hand into a fist and the plates all move, fluttering up his arm.</p><p>Tony’s eyes go wide. “Is it just me who suddenly needs a cold shower?” he asks, looking at Steve.</p><p>Steve rolls his eyes at him. “Stop being weird. I’ll get drinks.” He gives Bucky an encouraging smile as he heads for the kitchen, not wanting Bucky to feel like everyone’s watching him the whole time like some sort of science experiment.</p><p>When he returns, orange juice for them both, because Tony could probably do with some vitamins, Tony’s asking Bucky questions while reaching into his toolkit and coming back with something that wouldn’t be out of place at a dentist, in that it looks sort of scary and awful.</p><p>He walks round near the bookcase and puts the drinks down for them both on the side table. “What is that?” he can’t help asking, feeling concerned.</p><p>“We’re just gonna see what’s inside,” Tony replies, sounding a little too gleeful, already about to get started.</p><p>“Wait!” Steve stops him. “It’s not going to hurt him, is it?”</p><p>Tony looks like he just remembered the arm is attached to a person. “It probably won’t tickle,” he admits, looking a tiny bit guilty.</p><p>Steve balks, a little horrified, but Bucky reaches out and squeezes his hand with his right. “It’s okay. It’s nothing I’m not used to,” he tells Steve.</p><p>That doesn’t really reassure him.</p><p>Bucky rolls his eyes, probably at the look on Steve’s face. “James is probably up from her nap, why don’t you go check on her?” he suggests.</p><p>Steve frowns at that idea. “Buck—” he tries to protest.</p><p>“Stevie,” Bucky cuts him off, mirroring his tone. “I’ll be fine,” he says firmly. “Better to get it done as quick as possible, right?”</p><p>Tony’s watching them, apparently amused and curious. “Stevie,” he mutters under his breath.</p><p>Bucky looks back at him. “Go ahead,” he says, nodding his head at his arm.</p><p>Steve wants to protest, hovering for a moment, but forces himself to move towards the stairs. “Yell if you need anything,” he says firmly. “Be careful, Tony.”</p><p>Bucky nods, while Tony waves his hand, basically shooing him away.</p><p>Steve tries to push down the urge to go and hold Bucky in his arms the whole time and tries to focus on James as he opens the baby gate and heads upstairs, but it’s hard, the idea of leaving Bucky there with Tony even if just for a little while. He has to remind himself that he needs to do what Bucky wants here. He has to just hope Tony knows what he’s doing.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>“Well, damn,” Stark states, frowning up at Bucky.</p><p>He’s been poking around Bucky’s arm for a good fifteen minutes now, checking the hidden ports under the plates, trying to find the problem, plugging things into his computer. He was right when he said it wouldn’t tickle. Bucky’s been sitting silently, gritting his teeth, as hot white flashes of pain shoot along his arm into his shoulder, even worse than the usual pain that he’s gotten used to.</p><p>“What?” Bucky gets out, trying to remain calm looking.</p><p>“You have no idea how sensitive this arm is,” Stark comments, looking a little in awe. “Look at these levels.” He turns the computer, showing a line graph that goes up and down in high peaks, but Bucky doesn’t know what it really means.</p><p>Bucky just blinks at him.</p><p>Stark stares back for a moment and then shakes his head. “Good news is, I think I can fix the problem.”</p><p>“You think?” Bucky feels a little brighter hearing that, though he tries not to get his hopes up. He’d really resigned himself to the idea that only HYDRA would know how to fix it and as far as he knows, Steve and the Avengers have done everything in their power to wipe HYDRA from existence. Not that he would trust trying to get any information from them anyway.</p><p>“Bad news is it’s delicate and gonna take me a while. So Cap needs to order pizza,” Stark adds, putting a tool down and closing the plate in Bucky’s arm.</p><p>Bucky huffs. “I can do that.” He reaches over to grab Steve’s tablet from the side table, taking a sip of juice as he does, enjoying the small reprieve from the really bad pain as it lessens into the normal pain. He finds the nearest pizza place easily. “What do you want?”</p><p>Stark reels off his order, watching Bucky as he puts in Steve’s favourite, while he decides to try something different. He figures it’s nice to try new things to see what he likes now. Whenever they go grocery shopping, Steve always lets him pick out whatever he thinks looks interesting and then he gets to find out if he likes it or not. Some things are more successful than others. Turns out he’s not a fan of sushi, even though it looked really pretty.</p><p>“Cap seems happy,” Stark comments as Bucky clicks through to pay in advance.</p><p>Bucky’s not really sure what to say to that. He’s not sure what to make of Stark at all really. He’s pushy and sort of rude and has weird facial hair that’s too neat for his chaotic personality. But he’s also clearly genius level smart and that’s what Bucky needs right now, so he’s glad he agreed to help, even if he’s not too comfortable in his company.</p><p>“He’s always been real stiff, but then James came along and now you…” Stark continues. “It’s kind of adorable,” he smirks.</p><p>Bucky puts the tablet down. He doesn’t want another conversation with Steve’s friends about James. Especially not after he and Steve were honest with each other and laid everything out and things finally feel okay. “Pizza’s coming.” He holds his arm out. “Ready?”</p><p>Stark huffs, reaching for his tools again. “Alright, metal man, hold your horses.” He opens up a panel on the arm again.</p><p>Bucky grits his teeth and shuts his eyes for a moment as Stark gets to work and, at the same time, he hears footsteps trundling down the stairs.</p><p>Stark suddenly stops and barks out a laugh. “Some warning would have been nice! Delicate work here!” he exclaims, as Bucky opens his eyes to see what’s going on.</p><p>“Sorry,” Steve states, eyes on Bucky.</p><p>Bucky freezes, staring at Steve.</p><p>Steve stares right back.</p><p>And then Bucky can’t help the wide smile that appears on his face and then he’s laughing his ass off.</p><p>Steve stands there looking all innocent, as Bucky takes the whole picture in.</p><p>He’s got James in his arms in her lion onesie that Steve mentioned before, looking all sorts of adorable, but Bucky can’t even focus on that, because Steve is also in a matching adult-sized lion costume, all orangey velvet looking, complete with ring of fur on the hood that he’s got pulled up.</p><p>Bucky’s never seen anything so ridiculous and he can’t remember laughing like this ever. His face actually hurts.</p><p>“Please tell me you haven’t become a furry,” Stark comments, as Bucky gets control of himself and wonders what that is.</p><p>Steve gives Stark an exasperated look. “I thought it might cheer you up a bit during this?” He looks at Bucky as he speaks, with a sheepish smile.</p><p>“You’re a dork,” Bucky huffs, because the dumb idiot is so sweet. He smiles at them both and James lets out a giggle, like she knows what’s going on.</p><p>Steve smiles back. “Yeah, but it worked,” he grins as he looks over, eyes full of affection, as Bucky realises Stark’s watching them.</p><p>“Are you two…” he frowns, waving a hand between them.</p><p>“Tony,” Steve says sternly, cutting him off, while Bucky wonders what he was going to ask.</p><p>He leans back on the couch, frowning a little, but one look up at Steve again makes him smirk again instead. “I ordered pizza,” he tells Steve, still delighting in how crazy he looks.</p><p>“Sounds good,” Steve smiles softly back. “I’ll just grab this one some food and then I’ll be back,” he says, bouncing James a little in his arms.</p><p>Bucky nods. He wouldn’t mind Steve being here as Stark works, he supposes, after all. Looking at Steve looking so ridiculous probably <em>will</em> help take his mind off of it.</p><p>As Steve heads past them, Bucky sees there’s also a tail and he can’t help breaking into a fit of laughter again, Steve turning his head to give him a grin as he does, actually shaking his ass a little to wiggle the tail.</p><p>Bucky may or may not howl with laughter and then tries to get control of himself.</p><p>“Alright, let’s get going again,” Stark states, sounding a little bewildered as he gets settled again. “I got places to be.”</p><p>Bucky manages to stop laughing and dutifully holds his arm out.</p><p>Steve joins them a few minutes later, with a bottle for James, and he sits on the smaller couch as he feeds her, James mostly holding the bottle herself anyway.</p><p>Bucky can see he’s trying to not look pained as he watches Stark play with wires. Bucky in turn tries his best not to grimace or show how much it hurts. He just focuses on Steve, fur hood now down, and James, as she makes an oddly soothing sucking noise as she drinks her milk.</p><p>It does help. They both look adorable and having Steve there is somehow grounding. But as much as he tries, whatever the hell Stark is doing hurts like hell at some points. At one point he has to squeeze his eyes shut as his whole body tenses as he tries to breathe through the pain.</p><p>“Buck? It’s okay, you’re okay…” he hears Steve saying.</p><p>Bucky blinks, not too sure what just happened and then sees Steve crouching near him, James still on the smaller couch, and Bucky sees his right hand has basically ripped through one of Steve’s throw cushions.</p><p>“Shit, sorry,” he apologises, unclenching his hand, his left arm throbbing.</p><p>Steve’s eyes are full of worry as he moves the cushion to the floor, like it doesn’t matter one bit, and sits next to Bucky. “Why didn’t you say it hurt that much?” he asks, sounding heartbroken.</p><p>Bucky shrugs, looking down at the still open plate on his forearm. “It needs doing. I can handle it.”</p><p>“They never gave you anything for the pain, did they?” Stark pipes up, voice oddly solemn for him.</p><p>Bucky sees Steve’s eyes widen in horror and he’s a little confused for a moment. It never really occurred to him to ask if Stark had something to make it hurt less, he’s so used to things just being done to him.</p><p>Stark must take Bucky’s lack of response as his answer. “Jesus…” he breathes out. “I thought you were just being tough, not asking for anything. I didn’t know it hurt that much,” he apologises, giving Steve a remorseful look too. “I brought the stuff we give Cap when he gets hurt, I can give you some of that to take the edge off.”</p><p>Steve cringes, looking guilty. “I should have asked about that, I totally forgot…” He looks at Bucky, full of remorse.</p><p>Bucky’s busy wondering when Steve was last hurt and how badly, but he sees in his eyes that he thinks the meds are a good idea. “Okay, let’s try that,” he agrees. If Steve thinks it’s safe then he trusts him.</p><p>Steve looks over at Stark and then heads over to pick up James, as Stark starts looking through his bag.</p><p>Fifteen minutes later and Bucky’s feeling a little floaty. Steve is still next to him with James playing by his feet, with one hand gripping Bucky’s right hand and not letting go. Stark’s poking around again, and Bucky can feel it, but it’s nothing like before. He grips Steve’s hand back, relishing in the touch, unable to help smiling every time he looks over and takes in Steve’s outfit again. The soft fabric rubs against his bare arm and it feels really nice. Bucky wonders if maybe he can get something velvety too.</p><p>“Anything you want, Buck,” Steve comments, and Bucky realises he maybe mused that out loud.</p><p>He squeezes Steve’s hand happily anyway. He thinks how nice it is that Steve lets him have nice things. He’s always thinking of him.</p><p>At some point Steve does let go, but only to open the door to the pizza guy.</p><p>They take a break to eat, Bucky managing a couple of slices only, as he’s feeling a little woozy, before Stark gets right back to it.</p><p>He keeps making little noises like he finds the arm endlessly fascinating, while Steve makes worried noises in turn.</p><p>“Do you think it’ll be much longer?” Steve asks at one point, sounding pained.</p><p>Stark huffs back at him. “You want to take over, be my guest. This is my previously very important day I’m giving up for you, remember.”</p><p>“Alright, sorry,” Steve placates him, as Bucky grimaces at a sharp bolt of pain, which of course Steve notices. “You okay?” he checks instantly, other hand coming up to rest on Bucky’s knee.</p><p>“You supersoldiers sure do burn through that stuff fast,” Stark comments, already going through his bag and then requesting Bucky’s other less interesting arm again, Steve moving away to give him some room.</p><p>It takes a few minutes to kick in and then Bucky really feels himself drifting. He reaches out for Steve’s hand again, being rewarded with entwined fingers instantly. And then he finds himself slumping onto Steve’s shoulder.</p><p>“Hey, careful!”</p><p>Bucky makes a ‘pfft’ noise at Stark’s annoyance as he shuts his eyes. He hopes he’ll be done soon, even though he’s enjoying being pressed against Steve’s side. He’s warm and cosy. Maybe Steve will let him stay here even when Stark’s done? He wouldn’t mind staying right here forever.</p><p>“Remember when you used to get sick and I’d take care of ya,” Bucky hears himself murmuring, words sort of coming out without him trying.</p><p>He feels Steve move a little against him. “Sure do.” That other hand comes back to Bucky’s knee, patting it. “Guess we’re finally the other way round.”</p><p>“I don’t mind,” Bucky mumbles back. “Feels nice.”</p><p>“Yeah?” he hears Steve huff a little in amusement.</p><p>“Mmm, you’re soft,” Bucky sighs, feeling that nice velvet under his cheek.</p><p>He hears another huff of amusement, but he thinks maybe that’s Stark, not Steve.</p><p>“Thanks, Buck.”</p><p>That’s from Steve. Bucky always liked how he always called him Buck. He always says it so affectionately. “You’re the best guy in the world,” he murmurs, squeezing Steve’s hand. Then he remembers Stark’s there still. “Hey, Stark,” he asks sleepily. “Why can Iron Man fly, but we still don’t have flying cars like your dad promised?”</p><p>He hears an affronted noise and laughter. The laughter is Steve. Steve is just the best. He just feels so happy right now. He’s got Steve with him and he’s warm and sleepy and he can barely feel his arm anymore. He barely feels it as he drifts off to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that’s something you don’t see every day,” Tony comments.</p><p>Steve narrows his eyes a little from where he’s watching Tony work, Bucky asleep on his shoulder. “Those meds are no joke, I should know,” he replies. It takes a while to figure out how much he needs before it properly kicks in, but Steve’s been grateful to Bruce many a time for creating it. Just because he’s strong now, doesn’t mean he doesn’t hurt. He could kick himself for not thinking about them for Bucky, but is grateful Tony had the forethought to bring them. It’s horrible to think that Bucky just put up with the pain at first, not even thinking to request them, because of course, no one at HYDRA would have ever cared about hurting him, even if they were trying to fix something. It makes Steve’s blood boil just thinking about it.</p><p>“Kinda more meant the assassin sleeping on your shoulder. Plus the whole lion thing.”</p><p>Steve glares at him. “Don’t call him that,” he warns, voice low so as not to wake Bucky. “He’s not that person, they made him do those things,” he almost growls. But in a whisper. James is happily playing with her soft toys so she’s thankfully being pretty quiet too.</p><p>Tony raises his eyebrows. “Alright there, down boy,” he huffs. “Gotta say, this is a side of you I haven’t seen.”</p><p>“You haven’t seen a lot of me,” Steve retorts. While they used to work together and he appreciates Tony, most of the time at least, he wouldn’t say they are close.</p><p>Tony looks like he’s pondering that. “Well I guess that’s true. Always thought you were just a straight up soldier, but I guess you’ve proved me wrong before,” he comments, closing a plate in Bucky’s arm and moving to the next one. “And now look at you…retired from duty, a father, and now…” he waves his hand, “…whatever this is.”</p><p>“He’s my best friend,” Steve frowns.</p><p>“Sure,” Tony says simply. “Well then you better be extra grateful, Cap, cause I think I’m done,” he says with a grin, closing the plate again with a flourish, but without waking Bucky.</p><p>“You are?” Steve tries to not let his voice get too loud even with his excitement. “Is it fixed? It won’t hurt him anymore?” he asks eagerly.</p><p>Tony puts his tools away, looking bemused. “Well, we won’t know until he’s awake and the meds wear off. But I’m confident in my continued genius.”</p><p>Steve feels a whole mix of emotions rush through him. But most of all, he’s grateful. “Thank you, Tony, really. You didn’t have to do this, but you did and I just…thanks.” He would probably hug him if Bucky wasn’t glued to his side.</p><p>“Just call me your arm maintenance guy,” Tony says with a smirk, as he grabs leftover, now cold pizza.</p><p>“I’m gonna take Bucky to bed,” Steve decides. He wants Bucky to rest properly and then he and Tony can talk a little more without having to stay so quiet.</p><p>Tony waggles his eyebrows. “Maybe TMI, Cap.”</p><p>Steve frowns, a little confused. “What?”</p><p>Tony rolls his eyes. “Nevermind.”</p><p>Steve shakes his head. He never really knows what Tony’s talking about. “Watch James for me, will you?” he requests, and Tony waves his hand and nods.</p><p>Carefully, he shifts Bucky so he can gather him up, hand around his back and under his legs, before he gently hauls him up. It’s still funny, to think that he can do this now. He remembers when Bucky used to try and pick <em>him</em> up when he was sick and Steve couldn’t help himself and would always argue it, so Bucky would end up basically with all Steve’s weight leaning on him while Steve acted like he was still walking himself, trying to keep some dignity. There was one time though, he remembers having pneumonia and was so weak he really couldn’t get himself around and Bucky had carried him to the bathroom and back to bed. Steve never told him, but he felt so safe in his arms, knowing Bucky was there to take care of him when no one else was.</p><p>Now it’s reversed again, like the shower incident. Bucky’s head is tucked up against his neck as he climbs the stairs, eventually arriving in Bucky’s room where he gently places him down on the bed.</p><p>It’s a testament to how good the pain meds are with the right dosage, because Bucky doesn’t wake up.</p><p>Steve absentmindedly presses a kiss to his hair as he tucks the covers over him, then balks a little at what he’s just done. But Bucky just makes a little noise as he snuggles himself into the covers.</p><p>Steve stares at him for a moment, brushing some strands of hair from his face. God, he loves this man. And he’s so thankful that hopefully Bucky will never have to hurt like this again. He smiles contentedly as he looks at the only face he wanted to see for so long and tries to process the last twenty-four hours.</p><p>It feels like everything is finally out in the open—that Bucky finally let himself be open with him about everything. Steve already feels like he’ll look back and know that this is the moment that things changed for the better, with them being honest with one another and Bucky no longer in pain. It feels like things are truly going to be better for them both. They can move forward together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for your well wishes, you are really the best people ever 😍 </p><p>Happy Thanksgivingy time to those who celebrate that and I forgot to say a chapter ago, thank you to those who told me all about Thanksgiving in the comments, it was much appreciated ❤️</p><p>I hope you liked seeing Tony! </p><p>Up next...the zoo and an important discovery 🧐</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. shimmering beautiful</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A zoo trip and a discovery.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heads up for some (pretty unsexy) sexy times and mention of people Bucky's been with before 🤭</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky wakes up in his bed, a little confused. Then the last few hours come back to him and he realises, Steve must have carried him up here. That’s weird to think about, but he pushes the thought away, because even weirder is how his arm feels.</p><p>Because he doesn’t feel anything.</p><p>Or at least anything bad. Right now, it’s lying on the bedspread next to him and there’s no pain. Bucky shifts carefully, lifting his left arm, making a fist with his hand, but there’s nothing except maybe a tinge of soreness around the shoulder. The pain he’s lived with for so long is gone and somehow he never realised until this moment just how debilitating it was, to feel that way every day. How it dragged him down without him even really knowing. How hard it was to even really focus on things. But now it’s gone. It’s really gone. He feels lighter. Freer somehow.</p><p>He takes a breath as the idea of that overwhelms him for a moment. The idea that maybe he won’t have to live in pain anymore, if Stark managed to fix what was wrong permanently. He needs to go and find him and ask. He has to know for sure.</p><p>He sits up eagerly, glancing at the clock. He must have been asleep for a good four hours as it’s coming up to dinnertime. In fact, as he quickly heads out his room and down the stairs, he can hear Steve’s in the kitchen.</p><p>He’s cooking something on the stovetop, something that smells like onions, sadly not in his lion outfit anymore, but instead his usual white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. He must hear Bucky arrive as he turns to greet him, a worried but sweet smile on his face. “Hey, how are you f—”</p><p>He doesn’t get the full sentence out. Bucky’s already launched himself at Steve, wrapping his arms round him in a huge hug, because he’s so grateful. He never thought there would be a way to fix it, but Steve managed to make it happen. Because Steve truly will do anything for him.</p><p>“Thank you, Stevie,” he murmurs to him as Steve’s arms squeeze him back tightly. He holds him for an extra long time, trying to convey how grateful he is, as Steve’s big hands radiate heat into his back.</p><p>He finally pulls back to take a look around. James is in her high-chair, also no longer in her lion outfit, instead in little denim dungarees and a yellow top. “Stark’s gone?” he questions. He feels bad if he is, because he needs to thank him. As kind of annoying as he is, he really came through for Bucky, without even knowing him, and gave up his time for him and managed to pull off what Bucky thought was impossible.</p><p>“Yeah, he had things to do, but he said to call if anything didn’t feel right,” Steve explains. “But it does? It feels okay?” he pushes, a wildly hopeful look on his face.</p><p>Bucky nods, a smile on his face, because he can see how much Steve truly cares for him—it’s written all over his face. “It feels amazing. It doesn’t hurt,” he confirms.</p><p>Steve looks so relieved. He lets out a breath. “God, I’m so glad, Buck,” he says, relaxing, stirring the rice Bucky now sees he has in the pan and turning down the heat as he must notice it starting to burn.</p><p>“Did he think it would be permanent?” Bucky can’t help asking.</p><p>Steve puts the wooden spoon down again, focus back on Bucky. “He seemed to think it should be, but he told me if anything feels wrong or goes out of whack again, then he’ll look again. I think he’d be kind of thrilled to actually,” Steve huffs a little.</p><p>Bucky feels so relieved at that. It’s not a <em>yes, it’s fixed forever</em> thing, because he supposes it can’t be, things could always go wrong with the arm, but it all sounds positive and he’s so grateful that he knows Stark will help if he needs to again. “I need to thank him.”</p><p>“We can call him after dinner?” Steve suggests. “You wanna help?” he grins, apparently just as pleased as Bucky is about this news. “I’m making this spicy rice thing I found online.”</p><p>“Sure,” Bucky smiles back, in the best mood he’s been in for a long time. In fact, such a good mood that he doesn’t let himself think himself out of the next thing he says. “I-I could feed James for you if you want?” he offers. That way Steve can keep cooking and maybe enjoy his meal instead of feeding James and letting his own food go cold, or sneaking bites at the same time.</p><p>Steve pauses, turning to him with a little amazed look, that Bucky can see he tries to cover, but isn’t successful. “I…that would be great, thank you,” he utters, sounding just as amazed as he looks.</p><p>Bucky nods and goes to the counter where Steve’s already got some food prepared that looks like it might have been peas before they were crushed to death. James is eating more and more solid foods lately that Bucky personally thinks should be renamed as mushy foods as there’s nothing solid about them. “This?” he offers out, receiving a nod of confirmation from Steve. He finds one of her plastic spoons—a bright green one—and settles himself in front of James, leaning on the counter. “So I just give her little bites?” he confirms, wanting to get this right, even though he’s watched Steve do this many, many times.</p><p>“Yeah. And don’t worry, she <em>will</em> get it all over her face,” Steve huffs in amusement.</p><p>Bucky nods and turns his attention to James. He’s seen the mess she gets herself into, like it’s impossible for the food to stay in her mouth. He knows Steve’s watching him, but trying not to be obvious. But he doesn’t mind so much. They talked and they cleared the air and now Bucky knows that Steve doesn’t have expectations of him, so it feels okay to be doing this. He’s just helping his friend. He gets some of the mashed up peas on the spoon and holds it up near James’ face.</p><p>She opens up her mouth and he carefully feeds her, letting her suck all the gunk off the spoon, and Steve’s right, she does get it all round her mouth instantly, even with Bucky being careful. But she also looks delighted, so Bucky figures she must really like the peas.</p><p>“Another?” he asks with a little smile as James opens her mouth, waiting for more already. He keeps feeding her until all the mush is gone and she has green stuff all round her mouth and somehow on her cheekbone and forehead too.</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky murmurs to himself. “Now we’ve gotta clean you up.” He leans over to the drawer he knows Steve keeps baby things in and finds the pack of wipes, grabbing one, and then he carefully wipes round James’ mouth while she wiggles her head and giggles like it’s a game, making it difficult for him. He finds himself chuckling along as she does, even though it does make it trickier.</p><p>Once he’s satisfied she’s cleaned up, he goes to throw the wipe in the bin to see Steve’s clearly been watching them, as he quickly diverts his eyes back to the food he’s cooking. Bucky just smiles. He’s just really happy right now, so unused to not being in pain that everything feels a little bit glowy.</p><p>“Hey, so where’d you get the lion outfit?” he asks Steve as he moves the empty bowl to the sink.</p><p>Steve goes a little red in the face as he glances over. “Online. After you mentioned it, I couldn’t really help myself,” he says with a sheepish smile.</p><p>“It was ridiculous,” Bucky teases, getting some plates down for them.</p><p>“I know,” Steve shrugs, still smiling.</p><p>“But it was also pretty adorable,” Bucky adds, grinning over at him.</p><p>“Maybe I’ll get you one too,” Steve teases back, as Alpine comes over and mews at Bucky, apparently wanting his attention.</p><p>He scoops her up and holds her against his chest. “Hey, cutie, are you having a good day?” he murmurs to her. She rubs her head against his chin, Bucky delighting in her soft fur, and then wiggles, demanding to be put down again. He huffs in amusement at how fickle she is and puts her on the floor again and looks over at Steve again.</p><p>“Hey, Stevie?”</p><p>“Yeah?” Steve murmurs, focus on the food again.</p><p>“Can we do something tomorrow?” he asks, the idea coming to him suddenly. “Like go out somewhere?” Everything just feels so great and he suddenly wants to do something, instead of just spending another day at home.</p><p>Steve twists his head to look at him now, seemingly surprised. “Sure, Buck. Where were you thinking?”</p><p>Bucky shrugs, a smile on his face. “I don’t know…I just, I thought it would be nice to get out for a while and do something? Where’s somewhere James would like too?” he ponders. He’s really not sure yet what babies enjoy other than eating and sleeping.</p><p>Steve’s eyes sort of light up. “I-I’ve always wanted to take her to the zoo?” he offers, a little hesitant.</p><p>Bucky considers that and finds he likes that idea. “It won’t be too cold for her?” he checks.</p><p>“We can wrap her up really warm.”</p><p>Bucky nods along. “Okay. Yeah, let’s do that. Sounds like fun.” He hasn’t been to a zoo since they were kids. And that wasn’t so much going to the zoo as it was him and Steve wandering round the outside fence at the Central Park zoo, trying to see inside, which probably isn’t as fun as actually going inside.</p><p>It turns out, it is fun.</p><p>Steve drives them to the zoo the next day and they walk around looking at the animals, with James all bundled up in her stroller, bear blanket wrapped over her as well as a plastic cover over the whole thing to keep the wind away.</p><p>To be honest, it seems like the zoo is more for them as James takes a nap as they stroll along. But Steve doesn’t seem to mind. Bucky watches him and he looks so relaxed and just far more carefree than usual, it makes Bucky so happy to see it. And he likes the zoo. It has lots of trees and plants that he finds as interesting as the animals and Bucky’s in charge of the map that they follow so they don’t accidently miss anything, and while it is cold, Bucky’s wearing lots of layers and a knit hat and so is Steve.</p><p>And really Bucky mostly walks along marvelling at how amazing it is still to not be in pain all the time, to have that weight lifted from him, when he didn’t even realise how much it was crushing him. He feels more himself than he can remember, and like he can do anything. It’s exciting and somehow everything feels kind of different, like maybe this is another new start for him. Like he can do anything he wants to now.</p><p>Bucky’s just happy as they settle down in a sheltered picnic area for lunch, having just seen the zebras. Steve gets to work feeding James her lunch while Bucky opens the sandwiches he just bought them at the café, noticing two older women who sit down at a table one over from them with their own lunches and hot drinks.</p><p>Bucky’s been doing well with all the people, though the zoo isn’t particularly crowded today probably due to the cold, but he does feel a little worried as he sees them looking and for a moment double-checks that his glove is still on and his coat sleeve hasn’t ridden up or something. It’s fine, so he can’t help but wonder why they are looking, until one of them speaks up.</p><p>“Your daughter is adorable,” the one in the blue coat and green patterned scarf says, the one in the pink coat also smiling at them.</p><p>Steve glances over at them. “Oh, um, thank you,” he replies, a little startled. He’s obviously not really used to being around people and it not suddenly becoming about him, Bucky realises, but neither of the women seem to know who Steve is, or if they recognise him, they don’t mention it. They seem much more focused on James.</p><p>“My son has just adopted with his husband,” the woman continues. “The process was so lengthy, but they finally have their baby boy,” she smiles widely.</p><p>Steve doesn’t seem to know what to say, and Bucky finds himself speaking up, seeing as Steve isn’t. “That’s really great,” he replies, offering a small smile. The women kind of remind him of Aggie, and Aggie turned out to be so nice, so he doesn’t mind talking to them either. They clearly aren’t a threat.</p><p>The woman beams back and is taking out her purse and pulling out a photo of two young guys holding a baby before her friend can stop her holding it up to them. “Aren’t they adorable?” she gushes.</p><p>Steve nods as Bucky looks at the picture for a moment. They are actually. They look like a really happy family. It’s really great that these guys can have that, he thinks—that it doesn’t matter who they love and that they can still have a family. “They look very happy,” he comments, as the woman’s friend pats her on the arm, apparently admonishing her for bothering them now.</p><p>“Oh hush,” she utters to her friend quietly, but Bucky hears it anyway. She sounds a little embarrassed. “They are,” she says directly to Bucky, before sounding apologetic. “Anyway, I didn’t mean to disturb your lunch. I just think you’re such a beautiful family,” she says with a kind smile at them all and Bucky realises she thinks they’re like her son. Like he and Steve are together or married with an adopted kid.</p><p>Strangely, Bucky doesn’t feel like correcting her. Steve has a odd little look on his face, but Bucky just nods and thanks her with a smile, before turning back to Steve to give him his sandwich, having pulled out the pickles, because Steve doesn’t like pickles.</p><p>“Thanks,” he mumbles as he takes it, passing Bucky the thermos of coffee they brought with them.</p><p>They get back to their lunch and after they’re done, they take a look at the map together and decide to go to visit the penguins next. Bucky gives the women a little wave as they head off, both waving back at him, and notices Steve looking a little awed at him.</p><p>“What?” Bucky asks as they head away.</p><p>Steve shakes his head, looking away. “Nothing.”</p><p>“Nope, none of that,” Bucky says as he falls into step with Steve who’s pushing James in her stroller. “We said we’d be honest from now on, remember?” he reminds Steve, nudging him with his elbow.</p><p>Steve looks at him as they reach the penguins and bring James to a stop. “Alright, just…it’s just really nice to see you talking to people,” he says, looking a little like he’s worried about saying it.</p><p>“It is?” Bucky frowns a little.</p><p>“Well, yeah,” Steve says, shrugging. “You know, you were just…it was always you who would be the one talking to people, not me. It was just…it reminded me of old times.”</p><p>“Oh,” Bucky muses, finding himself satisfied with that answer. “Well, not my fault if I was the popular one,” he teases.</p><p>Steve opens his mouth in shock before he recovers. “You mean the obnoxious one, right?” he fires back with a grin.</p><p>“The handsome one, you mean,” Bucky responds, giving Steve’s shoulder a little shove.</p><p>Steve huffs. “Well…okay, you’ve got me there,” he replies, eyes strangely soft as he looks at Bucky.</p><p>Bucky has a sudden strange and intrusive thought. He suddenly thinks how lucky he’d be if he <em>was</em> Steve’s husband and he has no idea where that’s come from. It’s just Steve’s startling blue eyes are staring at him and Bucky feels like he’s never noticed how much he likes Steve’s eyes on him before.</p><p>Luckily, James shrieks and then giggles, tearing both of their attention away to see she’s watching the penguins gleefully. Bucky lets out the breath he didn’t realise he was holding as he watches the penguins, waddling on land and graceful in the water.</p><p>Steve chuckles. “Guess we should try and get her round some more animals while she’s awake,” he comments.</p><p>“Yeah,” Bucky murmurs, looking back at Steve’s side profile, still pondering and confused by his weird thoughts. He checks the zoo map. “Umm…cheetahs are this way,” he notices, pointing to the path. Bucky likes seeing the different cats the most and figures maybe James will too, seeing as they have their own little version in their house. He hopes Alpine isn’t missing them too much.</p><p>Steve smiles. “Okay, Jaime, let’s go see some cheetahs,” he announces happily, even adding a little roar noise in there, which is deeply amusing for Bucky, even though he’s pretty sure that’s a lion noise, not a cheetah.</p><p>He follows along, enjoying the rest of their day out as they look at all the different animals or try to find them when they aren’t immediately visible, but those strange thoughts about Steve keep nagging at the back of his mind the whole time and it’s confusing him. He tries to push them away and just enjoy himself, but he keeps coming back to them.</p><p>He just doesn’t know what they mean.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>When they get back home from the zoo in the late afternoon, Bucky excuses himself to take a bath. And by excuses himself, he means he’s literally only just taken off his boots and coat and other outdoor things and he’s watching Steve bending over to undo his own shoes and then Bucky practically barks out that he’s taking a bath and flees up the stairs.</p><p>Because something weird is happening.</p><p>And by something weird, he means that he’s hard.</p><p>As Bucky locks himself in the bathroom, staring down at his own crotch so hard he might burn a hole in it, he knows that it shouldn’t be a weird thing, but the fact is, he hasn’t been hard in years. As in, he literally can’t remember it happening. It’s not something that’s even really crossed his mind, because it hasn’t been a part of him for so long, which also now strikes him as weird—that it’s not something he’s been bothered about before, when really, it would be a pretty important thing to most men and something that should have concerned him, but he supposes he’s had other things to think about.</p><p>But as he undoes his pants with shaking hands, he sees that it really is happening. He pushes his underwear down and stares at himself.</p><p>“What the fuck,” he whispers into the air. He’s not even just a little bit hard. His dick is pointing into the air, hard as a fucking rock, a little bead of liquid forming at the top.</p><p>Bucky knows he probably looks insane—shirt on, dick out, eyes wide and stunned. But he can’t help it. He’s just all round fucking bewildered.</p><p>He stands there for probably a stupid amount of time, before realising he needs to take action, stepping out of his pants and underwear where they’re still round his ankles, pulling his socks off too, and then his sweater and shirt, before reaching in to start pouring the bath, all the while taking glances at his own dick, like he needs to check it’s still happening.</p><p>He waits for the bath to fill up a little, checking the temperature before climbing in, laying back, watching as his dick smacks against his stomach like it’s demanding his attention.</p><p>It takes him a minute before he shakingly wraps his hand around it. He hisses at the touch. It’s so sensitive, it’s almost painful. He bites his lip and then tentatively slides his fist upwards, drawing a gasp out of himself. Holy fuck, this feels good. He’d forgotten. He’d forgotten all of this.</p><p>He carefully draws his hand down again, biting back another moan.</p><p>It’s not a smooth slide though and in a stroke of genius, that has him accidently knocking down a bunch of bottles in his haste, he grabs the body wash he uses and squeezes a little out onto his hand, before sliding it along his dick.</p><p>That makes him shudder. It’s all slippery and makes it easy for him to move his hand up and down with nice friction instead of bordering on painful friction. He does it slowly at first, just basking in the amazing sensation, seeing what feels good, shutting his eyes, and then he starts remembering things. Things that include his dick.</p><p>He remembers his first time with a woman. He thinks he was eighteen and he remembers it feeling warm and soft and not lasting very long. He can’t remember much about the woman though, except he remembers her giggling and pulling him into a dark side street as he walked her home and putting his hands on her chest and then guiding his hand up her skirt.</p><p>The picture suddenly changes as Bucky remembers another side street, late at night, but this time there are lips around his dick, and he’s biting his lip so he doesn’t cry out. But there’s something wrong with the picture, because as Bucky looks down, he realises it’s not a woman down on her knees, but a blond guy. And just like that, Bucky remembers it clearly. He and this guy met in the part of town he wasn’t supposed to go to, and made sure no one saw him go to, and the guy dropped to his knees for him. Bucky had panted and groaned, but then when he came he accidently said someone else’s name and the guy was majorly pissed off, telling him to go fuck himself as he stormed off.</p><p>Jesus, that…that actually happened, Bucky realises. He can’t remember what name he said or the guy’s name either, but he knows it happened. He knows that it was the first time someone did that to him and how it felt really good, maybe even better than when he was with the woman, even though that thought doesn’t sound right.</p><p>But he remembers the guy making deep groans as he sucked Bucky down, grasping his ass at the same time, and how hot and wet everything was and how much dirtier it was with him than the woman and then suddenly he gets a flash of Steve bending over to untie his shoes and Bucky gasps loudly as he comes, splashing across his chest. It feels incredible, that peak of pleasure, that feeling that he’d all but forgotten until now, how it makes his whole body stiffen and then relax, how he feels almost like he’s melted into the bath after.</p><p>He sits there, shuddering, breathing heavily, hand still loosely wrapped round himself, as he tries to recover, mind blown.</p><p>It takes him a really long time.</p><p>When he finally has, all he can think is one thing.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>😳</p><p>Bucky finally's waking up (in more ways than one 😂). Love to know what you think 😍</p><p>Up next...Bucky being left alone for the first time.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. I dreamt of you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky thoughts, James doing stuff...I don't know, it's sort of filler but important.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Last chapter AO3 didn't notify everyone, must have glitched, so please check if you read the last chapter first 😊</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky spends the next few days trying to figure things out. He wishes he could push away the thoughts and pretend, but he knows he remembered something real.</p>
<p>He figures out that maybe the pain he’d been living with affected him more than he knew. Or maybe it was all in his head, but with the pain gone, somehow he could let go, because since the bathtime incident, he’s woken up hard every morning. He’s not slept in Steve’s bed the last few nights.</p>
<p>He takes care of it quietly in the bathroom, both revelling in it and embarrassed about it, because whenever he does it, he finds himself picturing the blond guy with his lips around him. But it’s a strangely easy revelation to make—to realise that he’s more attracted to men. He still thinks woman are nice to look at and all, but his dick and imagination definitely seem to have a preference. He knows he’s supposed to be ashamed about it, but he also knows that in the time they live now, it’s not the same as it used to be. Men can be open about it, at least to an extent. So he finds he’s weirdly settled with the idea that he might be most attracted to men.</p>
<p>He’s less settled with the idea that he might be attracted to Steve. He feels guilty, because sometimes, when he’s taking care of himself, somehow Steve pops into his head and he feels terrible about it, but then also he starts to think, to rationalise…maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world? He’s sure lots of guys find Steve attractive, what with all the muscles and strength and that ridiculously pert ass that Bucky can’t seem to stop staring at now, and that gorgeous face of his and how Steve smiles so caringly at him.</p>
<p>So he can appreciate his friend’s beauty. So what, he decides. Plus it’s probably just because he’s suddenly feeling sexual excitement and attraction for the first time in literal decades and Steve happens to be the only guy around him.</p>
<p>So Bucky lets himself indulge in the newfound pleasures of his life. He never consciously thinks of Steve, but if he happens to appear in his imagination, Bucky can’t really help that, he figures. If he’s honest, the other feelings really overwhelm any guilt he feels pretty quickly. And it’s kind of nice to feel like he knows something about himself. He still isn’t quite sure how he fits into this world anymore, but knowing his sexual attraction at least…it’s something.</p>
<p>Sort of like his gardening or Alpine. Those are also things that have revealed a solid something about himself, about the person he is now. It turns out he’s pretty good at taking care of things. The garden is looking great even as winter settles in, with only a few plants that didn’t quite make it, and Alpine seems like the most contented cat around, in Bucky’s opinion. Bucky smothers her with hugs everyday and she has lots of food and toys and nice warm beds and she doesn’t have to be scared like she was outside. Bucky thinks he takes good care of her and Steve definitely does, because he always comments that Bucky’s spoiling her, though he’s always smiling when he says it. And Bucky figures he’s even not so bad with James now too.</p>
<p>Like right now, he’s watching her crawling around the living room while Steve’s just popped to the kitchen to pour them some coffee. And James seems happy enough. And he can do this now. He knows Steve isn’t expecting any more from him and judging him and he knows that James isn’t as fragile as he’d worried about at first. He can watch her for a little while without being scared something will go wrong. All he really has to do is make sure to watch her around Alpine, who’s curled up sleeping on her cat pillow near the fireplace, which is on and making the room toasty and cosy.</p>
<p>But James doesn’t seem interested in Alpine today, too busy crawling around as Bucky watches her. But apparently today crawling isn’t enough, because she suddenly makes a beeline towards the couch Bucky’s on and grabs onto his leg and suddenly she’s on her feet, wobbling, but standing.</p>
<p>“Steve!” Bucky calls quietly, in shock as he stares at James. He doesn’t move a muscle as James clings to his leg, looking at him with those familiar eyes. “Steve!” he hisses again, knowing Steve will hear him.</p>
<p>“What is it, Bu—” Steve says as he trundles back into the living room with coffee cups in both hands before freezing.</p>
<p>Bucky twists his head to look at him with an incredulous smile. “She just grabbed my leg and stood up,” he tells Steve softly, not wanting to disturb her.</p>
<p>Steve looks amazed and is already putting the coffee down and reaching for his phone when James suddenly lets go and falls back on her butt. And then pouts and starts crying.</p>
<p>Bucky instantly feels bad that he didn’t catch her, but he was too focused on not moving.</p>
<p>Steve’s over there in a second anyway, scooping her into his arms. “Aw, sweetie, don’t cry,” he soothes, patting her back. “You did amazing!” he grins at her, as James stops crying almost as quickly as she started, Bucky realising it didn’t actually hurt when she fell down. “I can’t believe it,” he grins over at Bucky.</p>
<p>He puts James back down on the floor and then holds his hands out to her, crouching down. “Do you want to try again?” he urges her, but all he gets for his trouble is James sitting and reaching for her rabbit toy and chewing on it. He huffs in amusement. “Guess not.” He sits himself on the floor too, to play with her.</p>
<p>Bucky watches them together, still a little in awe himself at what just happened. He grabs his coffee and takes a sip as he watches them, Steve being adorable with her. He always looks so enthralled by James and will spend literally hours playing with her, lying on the floor with her, making faces at her and giving her hugs and just generally showering her with love. It’s so strange, because he never really pictured Steve having kids, back in Brooklyn, because he was always so anxious around them, but it also makes perfect sense, because Steve’s heart is so damn big and so pure, he’s actually the perfect person to be a parent. “You’re a really, really good dad,” Bucky blurts, unable to help himself.</p>
<p>Steve looks over at him, a little surprised looking but also touched. “Thanks, Buck,” he replies with a sweet smile. He looks a little bashful as he looks down for a moment before looking back up. “Speaking of parenting things, I actually meant to talk to you,” he says, lifting James so she’s sitting in his lap where she reaches for her block toys and smacks them against Steve’s knees happily. “Jaime has to go have her next doctor check-up soon,” Steve continues, brushing James’ hair back a little.</p>
<p>“Oh?” Bucky furrows his brow slightly. “Just for regular stuff?” he checks as he puts his coffee down on the side table near the arm of the couch.</p>
<p>“Yeah, standard nine-months thing,” Steve confirms. Then he looks a little concerned. “The thing is, her doctor is one of Tony’s people, so we usually go to the Avengers compound for it,” he explains, “but I was thinking I could see if they could come here instead?”</p>
<p>Bucky is well aware that he hates doctors. He doesn’t really like the idea of them in their home. “You don’t want to go to the compound?” he checks, not wanting to show his discomfort at the idea.</p>
<p>Steve looks a little uncomfortable. “No, I…I mean I do, but I didn’t want to go if you don’t want to come and I figured you probably wouldn’t.”</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs a little, settling back into the couch cushions. “Well, I mean, I don’t,” he admits, “but that’s okay. You can go and I can just stay here with Alpine.” He’s not sure what the big deal is until he sees Steve’s nervous face and then he frowns. “You don’t want to leave me alone?” he realises sadly. Does Steve not trust that he’ll be okay by himself, even now? He can’t help the way it hurts, thinking that.</p>
<p>Steve blanches. “No, it’s not that, I just…” he fumbles over his words. “I just…we haven’t really been apart like that since you got here,” he admits. “We usually go and spend the night so the others can see James for a bit,” he adds, looking concerned.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Bucky utters. He didn’t realise it would be an overnight thing. If he’s honest, he doesn’t really like the idea of a night without Steve either. But then he realises he’s been living here for almost three months now and he doesn’t want Steve to feel like he can’t live his life because of him. “Well that’s okay,” he says, trying to keep his tone cheery. “I’ll be okay by myself here.”</p>
<p>Steve looks over at him like he wants to say no. “You sure?” he frowns.</p>
<p>“Of course,” Bucky confirms. He looks towards Alpine who’s just stood up and stretched, then turned in a circle before sitting exactly the way she was before. “I’ll have Alpine with me and it’s just one night. No big deal,” he shrugs, wanting Steve to believe him. He doesn’t think this falls into the honesty promise they made to each other, because he’s not lying, not really. He knows he will be fine alone, even if he won’t look forward to it. And they can’t always be together, all the time. That’s not practical.</p>
<p>Steve looks doubtful still, but he doesn’t argue it. “Okay then,” he says, with a deep breath. “I’ll make a call and let them know.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky nods, as James crawls out of Steve’s lap and towards the coffee table. Bucky watches her. “Phone, Steve,” he whispers, recognising the determined way she’s moving.</p>
<p>Steve looks a little confused before he catches up and pulls out his phone, obviously getting the video camera on it ready.</p>
<p>But James turns partway, apparently deciding against the coffee table, and makes her way towards Bucky again, where she grabs at his leg once again and hauls herself up, her little fingers digging into his leg.</p>
<p>“Jaime!” Bucky hears Steve squeak quietly, as he looks down at her determined little face that turns a little confused as though she can’t understand why she’s so tall all of a sudden.</p>
<p>Bucky lets out a little amused breath and puts his right arm out ready to catch her this time. “Good job, little one,” he says softly, smiling at her.</p>
<p>She reaches a hand out to him and lets out a little “agh” noise as it makes her lose her balance, almost falling backwards, but Bucky does catch her this time, lifting her carefully to set her on the couch next to him, where she sinks against the cushions, looking confused.</p>
<p>“Did you get it?” Bucky asks, looking over at Steve, who’s just lowering the phone and looks over at him.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Buck,” he smiles tenderly, blinking back what looks suspiciously like tears. “I got it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve books an appointment for the day after tomorrow. Bucky didn’t realise it would be that quick, but he supposes it’s good James gets seen to. He hopes everything is normal and there’s nothing to worry about. Steve doesn’t seem concerned, so he assumes it will be.</p>
<p>Steve does seem a little worried though, but not about that. He keeps fussing around the next day, making sure that Bucky knows how to work everything and then they go for groceries so Bucky has enough food, Steve buying enough for probably ten people, but Bucky just lets him. They even go to get keys cut for him, Steve apologising that he never got him them before, before explaining which one locks which thing.</p>
<p>Bucky finds the fussing very sweet, but he also starts to wonder if Steve’s really that concerned about him. Bucky took care of himself when he was alone before, when he was a mess who barely knew his own name, taking shelter wherever he could find it—he can definitely do it for one night in a warm, secure house stocked full of everything anyone could possibly need.</p>
<p>When they’re washing the dishes together that evening and Steve starts asking if he has enough food for Alpine, Bucky finds he can’t really stand it anymore though.</p>
<p>“Look, if you don’t trust me here by myself, I can come with you if I have to,” he finally states, trying not to sound as exasperated as he feels.</p>
<p>Steve puts the last dish in the rack and looks at him, face falling. “It’s not that,” he says, voice apologetic. “Of course I trust you and I know you can take care of yourself,” he promises, drying his hands on a towel as Bucky puts the last of the cutlery away.</p>
<p>“What is it then?” Bucky pushes, confused. It’s not that he doesn’t like Steve caring so much about him, but he also doesn’t want Steve to only see him as someone he has to take care of. He wants them to be equals, for Steve to know that he’s doing much better lately and that he can handle things on his own.</p>
<p>Steve sighs and looks a little self-conscious. “It’s me…I guess I’m just…I’m gonna miss you,” he finally admits.</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help the little smile that comes over his face. “Yeah?” He feels a warm glow inside his chest at Steve’s words.</p>
<p>“Got used to having you around,” Steve half smiles back, giving Bucky a little shove with his shoulder. “I guess fussing about everything was my way of trying to make myself feel better about leaving.”</p>
<p>Bucky grins back, meeting Steve’s eyes, happy that that’s why and it’s not because Steve thought he couldn’t deal with it. “I’ll miss you too,” he admits. “But it’s not for long,” he reminds himself out loud. “You’ll probably go and realise how sick of me you are,” he adds jokingly, while internally hoping that never ever happens.</p>
<p>Steve huffs in amusement. “Never happen,” he murmurs.</p>
<p>Bucky feels ridiculously fond of his best friend in that moment, because somehow he feels so special all of a sudden from just those two words. He finishes with the dishes, pouring out a glass of water for them both for bed. “Mmm, well I am pretty great,” he hums, joking again to cover how much Steve’s affected him. “You on the other hand…mmm, could definitely do with a break from you,” he teases, looking back over at Steve.</p>
<p>Steve puts on a very affronted look. “Such a jerk,” he huffs.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but I’m your jerk,” Bucky replies instantly before really thinking that one through.</p>
<p>Steve’s quiet for a moment, before he takes his glass of water from the countertop and huffs. “C’mon, jerk, better get to bed, got a big day tomorrow.”</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t point out that <em>he</em> doesn’t have a big day tomorrow and could stay up all night if he wanted. Instead he finds himself following Steve upstairs and getting ready for bed.</p>
<p>Steve’s hovering outside his bedroom door when Bucky finishes brushing his teeth and steps back into the hallway.</p>
<p>“Hey, um, I just spilled water on my bed, do you mind helping me change the covers?” Steve pipes up, a weird look on his face.</p>
<p>Bucky nods, heading over to him. “Clumsy, Rogers,” he teases, as he follows Steve into the room and sees Steve’s stripped the duvet already.</p>
<p>It takes them no time to put a new cover on together, Bucky smoothing down the edges, right as Steve flops down onto it, ruining it anyway.</p>
<p>“So what are you gonna do without us around,” Steve asks jovially as he looks up at Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs a shoulder. “Ah, you know, the usual. Have a wild party, let Alpine sleep in your bed, adopt a few more pets…standard stuff.”</p>
<p>Steve chuckles, moving his arm behind his head to use it like a pillow, propping himself up. “Sounds like a plan.” He looks thoughtful for a moment. “You remember when you found that dog and tried to sneak it into your house, but your ma found him under your bed?”</p>
<p>Bucky thinks back and realises that yes, he does remember that. He sits down on the bed, tucking a leg under the other. “I think so,” he tells Steve. “It was brown and kinda mangy, right?” he adds, thinking back. A lot of his memories are perfectly clear, but there are others he finds he has to sort of drag out from the depths of his brain.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Steve nods. “I wanted to take him, but I couldn’t cause of my allergies. I remember you arguing with your ma about it and she made you take him outside, but then he got spooked and ran off. We never did find him again,” he murmurs, sounding a little sad.</p>
<p>Bucky shifts to lean back against the pillow, getting a little more comfortable. “I wonder if anyone took him in,” he muses.</p>
<p>“I hope so,” Steve replies, sounding lost in memories.</p>
<p>Bucky feels a little sad for a moment as they fall into thoughtful silence. “Guess I should be getting to bed,” he says after a little while. Steve has to be up early so he needs his rest.</p>
<p>Steve makes a little noise like he doesn’t like that idea. “Stay here?” he says, sort of like a question, but almost not. It’s a little more longing than that.</p>
<p>It’s been a good few days since Bucky’s slept in Steve’s bed, confused by what his body’s been up to lately and not wanting to risk anything embarrassing happening with Steve right there. But he does miss it, that closeness and warmth and safe feeling he gets when he sleeps with Steve. Plus he’ll be all on his own tomorrow.</p>
<p>He sort of nods to himself and slinks down the bed a little. “Yeah, okay,” he murmurs.</p>
<p>Steve reaches over to turn off the light and then there’s some shuffling as they get under the covers instead of on top of them, lying next to each other for a few moments in peaceful silence.</p>
<p>“Hey, Buck?” Steve pipes up after a little while, just as Bucky feels his eyes fluttering shut.</p>
<p>“Mmm?” he hums back.</p>
<p>“You know our, um, hug arrangement…?” Steve replies, words soft and hopeful, if a little shy.</p>
<p>It takes Bucky a minute to realise what he means and then he rolls onto his side. “Mmhmm,” he hums as he plants his head on Steve’s shoulder and reaches an arm across Steve’s chest, trying hard not to focus on how firm it is, keeping his hips tilted very far back.</p>
<p>Steve moves his arm instantly to wrap around Bucky, his hand warming Bucky’s shoulder through his t-shirt. “Thanks, Buck,” he says softly, as Bucky gets comfortable.</p>
<p>“Night, Stevie,” he murmurs into Steve’s chest, cosy and content, blocking out any other feelings that are trying to get his attention. He’ll just have to make sure he wakes up first to avoid any embarrassing situations, he figures. As he really settles in to sleep, he figures it’s worth any potential embarrassment, because it feels so right to be sleeping wrapped up with Steve like this, and he’s missed it more than he realised.</p>
<p>He drifts off with the feeling of fingers carding gently through his hair.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky wakes up to the quiet sounds of someone moving around the room and, as he reaches out his hand sleepily, he realises, also an empty bed.</p>
<p>“Mm, Stevie…” he mumbles out, still half asleep.</p>
<p>He feels a hand gently brush over his hair. “It’s okay, Buck, go back to sleep. I’m just getting me and James ready to go.”</p>
<p>Bucky leans into the touch, eyes still closed, before the hand moves away. “Don’t go,” he moans out, then wakes up a little more. “I mean, don’t go without saying goodbye,” he amends, squeezing the pillow that’s in his arms for some reason.</p>
<p>“I won’t, promise,” he hears Steve say softly.</p>
<p>There’s quiet little noises from Steve opening drawers and things and Bucky finally forces himself to flutter his eyes open and then freezes in shock as he sees a whole lot more of Steve than he thought he would. As in half of Steve’s bare ass as he pulls on a fresh pair of underwear, while standing at the dresser shirtless, with his back to Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky’s mouth goes very dry and his morning wood makes itself very known, as his hand twitches like it wants to reach out and touch. Even with his underwear on now, Steve looks indecent, what with how small the navy piece of fabric is and how tightly it’s stretched across his ass. That can’t be the right size. Bucky licks his lips before seeing Steve moving a little and he instantly snaps his eyes shut again and pretends to be sleeping, not wanting to be caught staring.</p>
<p>He hears other sounds of Steve finishing getting dressed and then leaving the room, so he opens his eyes again, feeling safe to do so. He stays there, listening, and as soon as he hears Steve taking James downstairs with him, he heads for the bathroom.</p>
<p>He gets himself off fast, feeling guilty at touching himself to the sight of Steve’s ass that’s seared itself into his mind, but apparently not guilty enough to not do it.</p>
<p>When he’s recovered and cleaned up and tried to push all the inappropriate thoughts away, he goes to his room to pull on some clothes, choosing his cosy green sweater and his usual sweats, tying his hair back messily. He tries not to think of Steve’s ass again as he heads downstairs where he finds Steve checking through the bag of James’ things that he packed yesterday.</p>
<p>“Hey, you should have stayed in bed, it’s early,” Steve frowns a little in concern as he sees him.</p>
<p>“Figured I’d see if you needed any help,” Bucky shrugs. It’s not like he can tell Steve why he’s so damn awake. He also files that thought away in the category of things not covered by their honesty promise, because there is no universe in which telling your best friend that you just got off to the thought of his naked butt could be a good thing to do.</p>
<p>“I think I’ve got everything packed, don’t worry,” Steve smiles back, oblivious.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky nods. “I’m just gonna…” He points and heads for the kitchen while Steve continues packing.</p>
<p>James is in her high-chair with her soft blocks to keep her entertained. She’s dressed to go, in a fuzzy yellow leggings and jumper combo with tiny little pink shoes that Bucky thinks are just adorable.</p>
<p>“Hey there,” Bucky greets her, heading for Alpine’s food bowl to see Steve’s already filled it and Alpine’s there, still eating. He bends down to pet her good morning, which she ignores, too busy with wolfing her food down, and then goes to pour himself some of the fresh coffee Steve’s left him.</p>
<p>Then he heads over to look in the fridge. Their trip will only take a couple of hours or so, Steve said, but Bucky decides to make him a sandwich as a snack, just in case, knowing how hungry he himself gets. He knows he’s gained a good amount of weight already, just from the amount of food at Steve’s.</p>
<p>He pulls out what he needs and constructs a basic cheese sandwich, with only a tiny bit of butter because that’s how Steve likes it, wrapping it in foil before pouring the rest of the coffee into a thermos for him too as Steve walks in.</p>
<p>“All ready to go,” he announces, now wearing his boots and the nice grey wool coat he wears when it’s really cold that Bucky thinks makes him look like a model.</p>
<p>He sounds a little sad about it, Bucky thinks. He finishes screwing the cap onto the thermos and holds it out, along with the sandwich. “Here,” he passes them to Steve. “For the road.”</p>
<p>Steve looks at the items in his hands and then back at Bucky, eyes full of affection. “Thanks, Buck,” he says, sort of smiling, but also looking emotional.</p>
<p>“Hey, it’s gonna be fine,” Bucky reminds him, gripping his shoulder, figuring Steve’s still a little concerned. “Don’t worry so much.”</p>
<p>Steve flashes him a quick smile. “I know.” He still looks sad though. “I’m gonna go load the car, can you—”</p>
<p>“I got it,” Bucky replies, smiling over at James, knowing what he’s asking.</p>
<p>Steve smiles gratefully and then heads back out the room, Bucky hearing the front door open a moment later.</p>
<p>“So,” he starts, moving over to James and leaning over the counter facing her. “You have a good time. Steve won’t let the doctors do anything mean, don’t worry.”</p>
<p>She flings a soft block in his general direction and he huffs in amusement, picking it up from the counter, placing it back on her tray.</p>
<p>“And you look after your daddy, okay?” he continues. “He looks all strong, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t need someone to take care of him too.”</p>
<p>James throws another block on the floor and giggles.</p>
<p>“I’ll take that as a yes,” Bucky hums in amusement as he picks it up.</p>
<p>“All ready to go,” Steve announces as he appears from nowhere.</p>
<p>Bucky straightens back up. “Oh. Okay,” he replies, trying not to sound sad. “I’ll follow you to the car,” he decides.</p>
<p>Steve nods and picks James up out of her chair and gets her in her coat and they head out the house together, Steve checking again that Bucky has his number and Tony’s and the nearest hospital and everything else he can apparently think of to double check.</p>
<p>“And you know where the panic buttons are and—”</p>
<p>“Steve, I’ve got it, I promise,” Bucky cuts him off as they reach the car and stand there together. “I want you guys to have a good time, okay? So call me when you get there so I know you arrived safely, but don’t worry about me. I’ve got Alpine to look after me, right?” he adds with a little grin.</p>
<p>“Right,” Steve smiles tightly back and then seems to straighten up and take a breath. “Okay.” He looks at James. “Say bye to Bucky,” he tells her, waving his own hand at Bucky.</p>
<p>And then James lifts her hand and waves and Steve freezes.</p>
<p>“Did she…” He looks at her in awe and waves his hand again as Bucky smiles at the scene in front of him.</p>
<p>James copies him again, looking pleased with herself.</p>
<p>“Aww did you save your first wave for me?” Bucky grins at her, knowing it’s another first. He leans over and reaches for Steve’s phone where it’s peeking out of his coat pocket as he still looks too awed to do so, and turns the video setting on. “Bye,” he grins, waving his other hand, while James waves back and he gets it all on video, including Steve’s wondrous face.</p>
<p>He chuckles as he stops filming and hands the phone back to Steve.</p>
<p>“S-she’s growing up so fast,” Steve says incredulously, as he pockets the phone blindly.</p>
<p>“Yeah she is,” Bucky agrees. She already seems a hundred times bigger than she did when he arrived here. And Steve of course remembers her being tiny, so it must be strange for him to think back to that and see how big she is now.</p>
<p>Steve’s still staring in wonder at her and Bucky knows he’ll probably stay that way or try to make James wave a hundred times if he doesn’t do something. “Now c’mon, go, you don’t want to be late,” he pushes.</p>
<p>That seems to snap Steve out of it and with one more wave from James and excited squeak from Steve, Steve goes to get her clipped into her car seat. Then he heads back over and stands a foot from Bucky. “Okay. I’ll call and we’ll be back tomorrow,” he says again.</p>
<p>“I know,” Bucky confirms, staying patient with Steve’s fussing.</p>
<p>Steve still looks like he doesn’t want to go, but he steps closer and wraps his arms round Bucky, hugging him tight, before stepping back and getting into the car.</p>
<p>Bucky steps out the way, still feeling Steve’s arms around him, as Steve turns the engine on and Bucky waves to them both as he pulls out the drive, following to watch them from the front yard as they disappear down the street.</p>
<p>When they’re out of sight, he heads back into the house, feeling a little weird knowing he’s all alone, to find Alpine waiting for him, as though helpfully reminding him that’s not the case.</p>
<p>He smiles down at her as she mews plaintively at him. “Well. Guess it’s just you and me.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, your support means everything, thank you for sticking with this fic and sending me awesome comments 😍</p>
<p>Next up...Steve seeing his friends, Christmas preparations, and snow 🤭</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. you drew stars around my scars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Being apart, being together, and snow.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s not that Steve doesn’t like catching up with his friends. It’s just that he can’t help how his mind wanders back to Bucky every two minutes or so.</p>
<p>He called him when they arrived at the Avengers compound and Bucky said he was fine and sounded fine and then told him to go and hang out with his friends and get off the phone. So Steve is trying. But he just misses him. It’s been almost three months of having Bucky around every day and he can’t help how weird it feels to be somewhere without him. He can’t help that tiny bit of fear that still haunts him, taunting him that maybe, just maybe, when he gets back home Bucky won’t be there anymore. But he tries to push that thought away, because he doesn’t believe it, not really, and he knows he should focus on his friends instead of worrying.</p>
<p>At least James is doing fine. She had her check-up and everything is normal as Steve assumed it would be. Since then, James has spent the whole day being fussed over by Sam and Wanda and Tony in his own way, which involved giving her new things, and now she’s sitting on Bruce’s lap playing patty-cake with Peter, Tony’s new protégé. Nat’s out on a mission with Clint, Thor off world somewhere, so Steve’s been catching up with the others and is currently talking to Pepper, who’s made a rare appearance. She’s usually way too busy, so it’s nice to see her too.</p>
<p>“I forget just how adorable she is,” Pepper comments as she watches James giggling across the room from them.</p>
<p>“She waved at Bucky today,” Steve informs her proudly. “Waved!” He can’t believe how fast she’s growing and developing. It feels like every day there’s something new to be in awe of. It’s funny as he thinks about that as he realises it’s exactly the same with Bucky, though obviously in a different way. But especially lately, since Tony fixed his arm, Bucky is so much happier and lighter somehow. It makes him realise how bad the pain must have been, for it to hold Bucky down the way he can now see it did. But now Bucky’s even more like his old self, joking more and more carefree, and laughing those full body laughs like he did for the first time when Steve wore his lion costume. Steve adores those laughs, how they take over Bucky’s whole body and how he just looks joyful. It’s sort of a magical sight for Steve.</p>
<p>Pepper makes the appropriate ‘awwing’ noises as Steve shows her the video of James, as Tony comes over with drinks for them both, snapping Steve out of his thoughts of Bucky.</p>
<p>“Hope you aren’t getting any ideas,” Tony warns as he sits down.</p>
<p>Pepper shushes him. “Oh don’t pretend you don’t want one.”</p>
<p>Steve huffs in amusement at the caught out look on Tony’s face and then considers that. He thinks it would be really nice if his friends started having babies. It would be like instant friends for James. He doesn’t voice that opinion though.</p>
<p>“Speaking of things I want, how’s that shiny arm doing?” Tony changes the subject.</p>
<p>Steve frowns. “The arm is part of Bucky,” he reminds him. “And he’s doing really well, so thank you again,” he relents. He probably owes Tony about a million years’ worth of favours for that one, he’s so happy that Bucky’s okay.</p>
<p>“It would probably be good if I took a look at it every six months, you know,” Tony muses, looking a little like it would be more for his benefit than Bucky’s. “Make sure it’s working as it should.”</p>
<p>Steve imagines Bucky wouldn’t love that. “I’ll run it past him,” he replies, in case it is important though. “It would have to be you coming to us though.”</p>
<p>“Does that mean we won’t be seeing you for Christmas?” Pepper pipes up, sounding a little sad.</p>
<p>Steve shakes his head a little. “I don’t think so, not this year,” he says regretfully. “Bucky’s doing really great lately, but I thought it might be nice if it’s just us, just this time,” he apologises. He loves the people in the room with him and how they somehow became his friends instead of just colleagues, but he can’t get the idea of a little family Christmas out of his head. And not in the way he used to, with Bucky being a father to James. He’s truly okay with that now, because since they got everything out in the open, Bucky has been much more open with James too, unafraid to help more and spend more time with her. So Steve has made his peace with the fact that Bucky doesn’t see himself in that role, because the fact is, it’s still wonderful to have his best friend with him, helping with his daughter and knowing that Bucky does care. It still feels like his own little family, just in a different way.</p>
<p>“Understandable,” Pepper nods. “I’ll arrange for all your gifts to be delivered there,” she adds, already tapping away on her phone.</p>
<p>“Oh you don’t have to—”</p>
<p>“You know she’s going to,” Tony cuts him off. “Buying gifts, especially for that little one, is one of her favourite things.”</p>
<p>“It’s true,” Pepper admits with a sheepish smile.</p>
<p>“My daughter’s going to be so spoiled,” Steve shakes his head with a little laugh.</p>
<p>“Yeah, well,” Tony shrugs, “if anyone deserves it, she does.”</p>
<p>Steve has to agree with that. They’re all a little solemn for a moment as Steve remembers finding her. Tony had been there too—the whole team in fact—and he knows they were all just as shocked to discover what HYDRA had been attempting. So he’s right. James deserves everything good in this world after having such an awful start to her life. Steve will just have to raise her right, so she keeps a good, grounded head on her shoulders. It’s that sort of thing that’s still a little terrifying if he’s honest—he’s learnt to handle diaper changes and crying, but the fact is, he’s responsible for raising this little person and that’s scary, to know it’s all in his hands, but he knows deep down that he can do it.</p>
<p>“Hey, can James have candy yet?” Peter pipes up from across the room.</p>
<p>“No!” about five different voices yell back at him, including Steve.</p>
<p>Peter freezes, lollipop in hand, raising it in surrender. “Okay, okay, man…just checking.”</p>
<p>James lets out a giggle as Steve shakes his head in disbelief.</p>
<p>Tony shrugs. “Eh, kids,” he waves his hand, while Steve lets out a disbelieving huff that turns into a laugh.</p>
<p>Even with their flaws, he really does love his friends. But he still can’t wait to get home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky kind of hates himself, but he can’t help how every time a car goes by, he sort of twitches, straightening up before he realises it’s not them still.</p>
<p>Steve had called just before they left, so Bucky knows they are on their way home, but it’s been a couple of hours and now he’s just waiting on the couch for them, TV on, even though he’s not paying attention, with Alpine sitting next to him, as though she realised he needed the comfort.</p>
<p>It’s not that he didn’t like having some time to himself. It’s just after the first few hours of it, he’d sort of had enough and wanted Steve home again.</p>
<p>That’s not to say he didn’t have a productive time without him. He spent lots of time with Alpine and also doing a little gardening, even heading out for a short walk and stopping by Aggie’s to say hello, ending up helping her garden and having tea again. He finds her easier to talk to every time he sees her and she clearly loves having the company, though Bucky’s still careful to not outstay his welcome, even though he suspects Aggie might not mind him spending the whole day there really.</p>
<p>But he had other things to do too, so he didn’t spend too long there. Because he also made the most of his newfound privacy to spend a while…exploring himself. It was kind of a novelty, to not have to bite back his moans and to take his time over it, discovering all kinds of things that he didn’t know he liked. Finally he exhausted himself and collapsed on his bed to sleep.</p>
<p>Only he couldn’t sleep. The house seemed too quiet. He tried getting Alpine to sleep in his bed with him, thinking maybe the company would help, but while she’s an affectionate cat, she never wants to be on the bed with him, preferring to sleep in her cosy bed downstairs. So he ended up making his way to Steve’s room and sleeping in there instead, being completely pathetic and hugging Steve’s pillow to his chest. But it worked and he fell asleep with the smell of Steve all around him, finding himself disappointed when he woke up there without Steve.</p>
<p>But he pulled himself together and spent the next day cleaning the house, making himself useful, and then even doing some online shopping, because he’s just realised it’s going to be Christmas soon and even though Steve hasn’t mentioned anything about it yet, Bucky wants to get presents for him and James. So that took a lot of his time, trying to figure out what they might like.</p>
<p>So he did stay busy and he didn’t have a terrible time. It’s just a whole lot nicer here when Steve is with him. It becomes a home instead of just a house.</p>
<p>Another car drives by. Bucky perks up and then sighs as he sits down again, reaching out to pet Alpine. “Not them,” he murmurs, as the car zooms past. He does the same thing for the next one, even though he tries to stop himself. A few minutes later, another car drives by, except this one slows and turns into their driveway.</p>
<p>Bucky’s heart leaps in his chest as he all but leaps from the couch, Alpine startling and jumping off too, looking disgruntled.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Alpy,” Bucky apologises while grinning. “They’re here!”</p>
<p>He goes to the front door, heading out and round to meet them where Steve’s just getting out the car. Bucky’s too excited to wonder if he’s being a little too enthusiastic about their return.</p>
<p>“Hey there,” he grins as Steve notices him, meeting his eyes. <em>God, has he always been so handsome</em>, Bucky wonders, before feeling a little weird for thinking that.</p>
<p>A big smile comes over Steve’s face and Bucky feels all kinds of warm inside as he forgets that thought, because Steve seems so happy to see him.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Steve grins back, heading towards him straight away and sweeping him up into a huge hug.</p>
<p>Bucky grins against Steve’s shoulder, hugging him back tightly, taking in that nice Steve smell, all potent instead of faded like on his pillow, and how warm he is. It’s stupid how much he realises he missed him for how little time they were apart. But they’ve been apart long enough before. He figures it’s okay to want to be with Steve all the time now to make up for it.</p>
<p>“Did you miss me?” Steve asks with a grin as they pull apart.</p>
<p>“Nah,” Bucky jokes, shaking his head, grinning back. “Was nice and quiet without your yapping.”</p>
<p>Steve opens his mouth in fake shock. “Just for that, no presents,” he says haughtily.</p>
<p>“Presents?” Bucky asks, curiosity piqued.</p>
<p>“Nope, <em>no</em> presents,” Steve corrects him, turning to go over to the car to open door to the backseat.</p>
<p>Bucky follows wondering what presents Steve got him. “I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry,” he whines in an over the top way, making his eyes big and wide. “I missed you a ton.”</p>
<p>Steve looks at him over his shoulder and chuckles at the look on his face and folds like a cheap suit. “Alright, alright, you can have the presents,” he relents. “Quit it with those big eyes.”</p>
<p>Bucky grins back triumphantly.</p>
<p>Steve turns back to get James unbuckled, lifting her from the car. She’s awake, but a little sleepy looking.</p>
<p>“Hey there,” Bucky says to her as Steve turns round and shuts the car door. He reaches out and strokes her cheek without thinking, realising he kinda missed her too. “Did you have a good time? You take care of your daddy, didn’t let him get in any trouble?”</p>
<p>When he looks up, Steve’s looking at him with soft adoration in those pretty blue eyes. “As if I’d ever get into trouble,” he huffs, breaking their eye contact.</p>
<p>“Oh sure, never,” Bucky huffs back. He heads round the back and opens the trunk to grab their bags as Steve watches and thanks him. “C’mon, let’s go inside and you can tell me all about it,” Bucky smiles. He hopes Steve had a good time with his friends, though he hopes he’s pleased to be home a little more.</p>
<p>Steve smiles back, locking up the car, waiting for Bucky as he shuts the garage door and locks that for him. “So…” Steve starts, as they both start walking to the house, looking very smug. “Guess what Jaime can do now?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It turns out what Jaime can do now is pick up food all by herself.</p>
<p>Well…tiny food, that is.</p>
<p>Steve demonstrates by pouring little cracker-looking things onto James’ tray and Bucky watches as she sort of picks them up or they get stuck to her fingers at least and then she sucks her fingers into her mouth.</p>
<p>“Wow, look at that,” Bucky comments as he watches. He supposes it <em>is</em> pretty cool, seeing her develop and figure new things out.</p>
<p>Steve is smiling proudly at her as usual. “I know!” he grins. “Oh hey, let me grab your presents,” he suddenly remembers, heading to the living room for a moment.</p>
<p>Bucky can hear him rummaging through his bag.</p>
<p>He returns with a couple of black boxes in his hands, passing them to Bucky. “They’re from Tony,” he explains, as Bucky looks curiously at them.</p>
<p>“Really?” Bucky can’t help but be surprised by that, even though Tony was actually really nice on the phone when they called to thank him for fixing the arm. He shrugs a little and opens the first one to find a brand new phone.</p>
<p>Steve smiles a little bashfully. “He thought it was crazy that I called you on the landline. This way, if I have to go anywhere again, we can text or video call,” he explains. “And the camera’s really great, so you can take pictures of the garden and stuff…and it’s all Tony’s design so it’s really secure.”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles as Steve trails off, as he examines the phone. “That’s pretty cool of him.” He looks at the blank screen. “Will you help me set it up?” Bucky’s not bad with all the new technology in this world he’s found himself in, but he’s no expert either.</p>
<p>Steve nods, taking the box from him as Bucky puts the phone back in. “There’s this one too,” he tells Bucky, passing him the second box.</p>
<p>Bucky opens that to find a pair of black gloves.</p>
<p>“Tony said they won’t get snagged like your current ones,” Steve explains.</p>
<p>Bucky hums in surprise. That’s surprisingly thoughtful of Tony, but then of course he realises Steve must have told him about it, because sometimes his gloves do get caught on his metal fingers, when he’s taking them off especially, which can be a pain. So really it’s thoughtful of Steve too. “That’s really nice, thank you,” he murmurs, looking up at Steve.</p>
<p>“You can thank Tony when we setup your phone,” Steve smiles, as Bucky pulls a glove on to find they are much comfier and pull off easily too, sliding just the same on his left hand as his right. It’s such a little thing, but it’s so nice that Steve cared enough to do something about it.</p>
<p>“Hey, um, speaking of presents,” Bucky starts as he puts the gloves down on the counter, figuring now is a good time to discuss it, “what are your plans for Christmas? Are your friends coming or—”</p>
<p>Steve shakes his head. “Actually, I thought we’d just do Christmas with just us this year, if that’s okay with you?”</p>
<p>Bucky wasn’t expecting that. “Are you sure?” he can’t help asking, because he would have thought at least Natasha and Sam would be coming over as Steve’s closest friends. Though maybe they have their own families to go to, Bucky muses.</p>
<p>Steve nods, pouring out a few more cracker things for James, who continues putting them in her mouth happily. “I thought it would be nice to just stay home, decorate…In fact, I was thinking, do you want to go and get a tree tomorrow?” he offers, eyes hopeful.</p>
<p>Bucky nods. “Yeah, uh, that sounds good.” It’s not lost on him that Steve is probably doing this for him. And maybe it’s true that he wants it to be just them, but it’s also his way of making Bucky’s Christmas less stressful after the incident at Thanksgiving, and Bucky appreciates that more than Steve can know. Instantly, he resolves to make it the best Christmas, even if it is just them. It’s kind of crazy that they are together again even having Christmas after all. “Thanks, Stevie,” he murmurs as he steps in to give Steve a hug, enjoying having that contact again, how it somehow relaxes every inch of his body.</p>
<p>Steve squeezes him tightly. “We can get Jaime an elf outfit,” he whispers.</p>
<p>Bucky bursts out laughing, pushing away from him. “He’s terrible, isn’t he?” he huffs at James.</p>
<p>James beams at him, a puff cracker stuck to her lip.</p>
<p>Bucky ends up laughing all over again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They do get a Christmas tree the next day. They also go to a store to get many, many decorations to go on it, because Steve doesn’t have any seeing as it’s his first Christmas in this house and before only had Christmas with the Avengers. Bucky finds it really nice, looking at sparkly things with Steve and deciding together what to get. It feels really special that they get to do this together. Christmas was always special when they were kids, but neither of their families had much, so while the holidays were filled with love, they never had money for things the way he and Steve do now.</p>
<p>They end up getting a ton of stuff, not going with a theme, but just picking whatever they both like, sometimes getting James’ shriek of approval, and then they haul it all home.</p>
<p>He and Steve set up the tree in the corner near the staircase, opposite the fireplace, while Alpine looks curious and then runs away, and James chews on a ribbon in her playpen that Steve moves to the living room so she can be involved a little. Then they spend the next few hours decorating—twirling lights round the tree, adding baubles and ribbons and the cute sparkly white cat ornament Bucky picked because it looks like Alpine, and putting decorative things around the house too.</p>
<p>When they’re finally done and Bucky looks at their handiwork, he can admit that they may have gone overboard. Almost every surface in the living room has something sparkly on it, or at least the surfaces that James can’t reach—from their new red coasters, to the wooden reindeer on the mantelpiece, to the wreath on the front door. But Bucky thinks it looks nice. The house looks homelier than usual and everything feels festive.</p>
<p>Steve apparently feels the same, because he makes them hot chocolate and then they settle down on the couch to watch a cartoon movie of <em>The Grinch</em> together, James sitting in between them on the couch, sort of sinking into the cushions while she sucks on a ribbon that Steve’s tied in a bow on her wrist.</p>
<p>Halfway through, Alpine attacks one of the low hanging baubles on the tree, so Bucky then has to reposition them all, making sure there’s nothing hanging low enough for her to get, while Steve chuckles at him in amusement.</p>
<p>And then it starts snowing.</p>
<p>Bucky sees it out the corner of his eye as he re-hangs the last decoration, light flakes starting to fall, that seem to get bigger every second he looks.</p>
<p>Steve notices a moment later. “It’s snowing!” he calls out gleefully. “Look, Jaime,” he coos, already lifting her to carry her over to the window. “It’s your first snow,” he murmurs to her. “Look at this, Buck,” he calls over.</p>
<p>Bucky heads over to join them at the window. The snow’s already coming down hard now and seems to be starting to settle.</p>
<p>“Do you want to go for a walk in it?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Bucky agrees, figuring why not.</p>
<p>“We better get all bundled up first,” Steve comments, giving James a little throw in the air, making her laugh in glee.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs in amusement at Steve’s excitement, as they all head upstairs, Bucky grabbing a warmer sweater while Steve gets James dressed for the cold in a padded blue outfit that makes her arms stick out.</p>
<p>Eventually they’re all ready, the time it takes to get James ready meaning the snow has already formed a thin layer on the ground outside.</p>
<p>Bucky closes the door behind them and locks it as Steve trundles forward with James all wrapped up in her stroller. He follows behind, looking at how white everything is getting already and how even just in a few steps, he’s already got snowflakes on his coat, and then suddenly he stops dead at the end of their path, staring at his snow-flecked arm.</p>
<p>He has a sudden memory of lying in deep snow, freezing, calling for help before it quickly became too hard to even speak. He remembers wishing he’d died on impact, because this slow, cold death was worse than anything. He remembers being dragged and there being red smudges in the snow. He remembers looking down and seeing part of his arm missing and the agony, but being too cold to even scream. He remembers…no, he doesn’t want to remember, he won’t remember that place, what they did to him, how they hurt him over and over again. He covers his eyes with his hands, trying to block it out. He doesn’t want to remember that, never wants to remember that…</p>
<p>“Buck…Bucky…please…you have to hear me…”</p>
<p>Bucky squeezes his eyes tightly, even though his hands are blocking out the white. He doesn’t want to hear them, to listen to their cruel words, to hear them so casually speak about what they’re going to do to him while he lies there, strapped down, gagged and bound, unable to stop them, hopeless and powerless. He cried for Steve to find him…</p>
<p>“Buck, please…I’m here…”</p>
<p>Bucky wishes he had extra hands so he could cover his ears as well as his eyes, but he doesn’t even have the normal amount of hands, not anymore. Except…who’s calling him Buck? No one there called him that. No one there knew that. He was Barnes and then the soldier. Not Buck.</p>
<p>“C’mon, sweetheart, please…you’re safe, I’m here…”</p>
<p>Sweetheart?</p>
<p>“Buck, I can’t carry you like this…”</p>
<p>Bucky blinks behind his gloved hands. He tries to understand where he is. He’s cold and parts of his clothes are wet. He can feel freezing water seeping into his pants. He’s holding himself rigidly and sitting on the hard ground, he realises. There are arms wrapped round him, over his shoulders, moving, trying to keep him warm, a voice speaking softly near his ear.</p>
<p>He moves his hands.</p>
<p>“Stevie?” he utters as he blinks against the harsh light flooding his eyes.</p>
<p>He hears a breath of relief and the hands squeeze him. “Yes, yeah, Buck, I’m here,” Steve’s relieved voice answers.</p>
<p>Bucky turns his head to find Steve’s worried face up close. “W-what hap—”</p>
<p>“You’re okay,” Steve cuts in, voice soothing.</p>
<p>Bucky spies James’ stroller just in front of them. “James…?” he chokes out.</p>
<p>“She’s fine, don’t worry,” Steve reassures him. “It’s only been a few minutes. We should get you inside though, the sidewalk is freezing,” he murmurs gently.</p>
<p>Bucky nods shakily, still not quite sure what’s happening, but knowing that Steve will help him.</p>
<p>“Is it okay if I help you up,” Steve asks, already moving.</p>
<p>Bucky nods again and lets Steve help haul him to his feet. He’s shivering as he stands shakily.</p>
<p>“Hold on to me,” Steve requests, as he grabs James’ stroller with the other hand, and Bucky lets Steve help him back down the path to the house.</p>
<p>Bucky manages to let go of Steve as he steps inside the house, the warm air hitting him, but making him realise even more just how cold he is. He sees a picture of snow-covered mountains in his head and tries to blink it away.</p>
<p>Steve closes and locks the front door, pulling the plastic back on James’ stroller, but is then next to Bucky again in a second. “Your clothes are soaked, I think we should get you into a warm bath,” he comments, as he worriedly rubs his hands up and down Bucky’s arms.</p>
<p>Bucky looks down at his coat’s buttons and for a moment he doesn’t know what to do. He only has one arm, he can’t unbutton his coat…</p>
<p>“I got it,” Steve murmurs, while Bucky blinks, trying to keep the tears away. He feels Steve’s hands on his front, unbuttoning the coat for him, then moving round him and carefully pulling it down over his shoulders, hanging it on a hook.</p>
<p>Bucky looks at his green sweater and realises, of course, he has two arms now. One is wrong, what they forced on him, but it means he can do things at least. But he still hates it. He knows that hand has killed people.</p>
<p>“C’mon, Buck, let’s get you upstairs,” Steve is saying softly.</p>
<p>Bucky lets him help him, Steve getting his boots off for him, along with his scarf and gloves, and Bucky allows himself to be guided up the stairs.</p>
<p>He barely notices as Steve pours a bath for him, but helpfully lifts his arms when Steve requests him to do so, so he can get his sweater and t-shirt off for him.</p>
<p>“Buck, do you want me to…” Steve asks, looking down.</p>
<p>Bucky smells the scent of lavender. He glances at the bath water to see it’s purple. Steve used his favourite bubble bath. It has glitter in.</p>
<p>“I’ve got to get you out of these, okay?” Steve’s murmuring. “They’re soaked through.” And then there’s hands undoing the button on his pants and then cold, wet fabric sliding down his legs, and then hands at his feet, getting him to lift them and step out the fabric and pulling at his socks.</p>
<p>There’s a pause for a moment. “I, uh…we’ll just leave those…” Steve mumbles. “Okay, in you go,” he requests and Bucky looks over at the bath and does as he’s told, stepping in to find the water pleasantly hot as he gingerly settles down into it, because Steve wants him to.</p>
<p>He take a deep breath, breathing in the scent, letting all his limbs get covered by the hot water as he slides down a little. He closes his eyes and lets himself just feel.</p>
<p>When he opens them again, it’s because there’s a soft voice speaking, and he blinks his eyes open to see Steve sitting on the floor by the sink, legs stretched out, James in his lap as he reads to her.</p>
<p>Steve glances over as if he’s been doing that a lot to check on him and meets his eyes. “Hey,” he murmurs, abandoning the book instantly to the floor, as James lolls her head back into the crook of his arm. “You’re awake.”</p>
<p>“I was sleeping?” Bucky murmurs, as he starts to piece together where he is.</p>
<p>“For a while,” Steve replies. “Is the water still warm enough?”</p>
<p>Bucky looks down at his purple-coloured bath. The bubbles have dissipated some and the water’s a little lukewarm, but still okay. He’s also still wearing his underwear, he realises. “It’s okay,” he tells Steve. He takes a moment, pushing his hair back from his face, as he remembers what happened. “God, I’m sorry,” he finally utters in a small voice.</p>
<p>“No, Buck, c’mon,” Steve cuts in instantly. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He looks at Bucky, voice firm. “All you did was freeze and then sit on the ground.”</p>
<p>Bucky shuts his eyes again, blinking back tears. “I-it was the snow…I…there were memories I didn’t know I still had…” He cuts himself off, opening his eyes, focusing on the purple, sparkly water. He doesn’t want to go back into them. He doesn’t. He won’t. He refuses to.</p>
<p>He hears Steve exhale. “I’m sorry, Buck, fuck, I should’ve—”</p>
<p>“Hey, no swearing in front of the baby,” Bucky cuts in, looking over to see Steve looking at James like he forgot she was there for a moment, while James just stares at Bucky like she’s curious about what’s going on. He stares back as she blows a spit bubble and then smiles at him and somehow, it makes him feel better. “Go on,” Bucky says before Steve can even open his mouth, knowing he’s about to go and apologise for going to put her in her crib. “I’m okay.”</p>
<p>“You—”</p>
<p>“I promise,” Bucky promises him. He’s not, not really, but he knows where he is at least.</p>
<p>Steve hesitates like he usually does, but eventually goes, Bucky hearing him heading into James’ room.</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t want Steve to have to come back and babysit him, so he starts to drain the water, stripping off his soaked underwear and flinging it into the sink, rinsing off quickly with the shower, before stepping out and wrapping his two fluffy towels around himself, so he’s extra warm.</p>
<p>Surprisingly, Steve hasn’t returned.</p>
<p>Bucky frowns to himself as he dries off a little and then steps out into the hallway. And then he hears it.</p>
<p>Steve is crying.</p>
<p>Bucky’s off down the hall instantly, finding Steve in his room, sitting on the end of the bed, sniffling.</p>
<p>“Stevie?” he utters from the doorway, his heart breaking.</p>
<p>Steve looks up, looking guilty, like he shouldn’t be crying. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to…” He wipes a hand across his face. “Fuck.”</p>
<p>Bucky frowns and heads over, sitting next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, no crying, okay, I’m okay now.” He doesn’t know if he is or not, not really, but he feels better. He feels present. “I’m sorry I freaked out again,” he adds. He’d really hoped that was over with, but it’s looking like maybe that was too hopeful a wish. But he’s also starting to realise that it’s not really his fault. He can’t really help what triggers a bad memory and all he can do is his best to not let himself fall back into them once they’ve passed. At least all he seems to do is shut down. He doesn’t hurt Steve or god forbid, James.</p>
<p>“I should have jumped after you,” comes the sniffling reply.</p>
<p>“<em>What?</em>” Bucky feels that like a slap to the face as he suddenly realises why Steve’s crying. “No, you fucking shouldn’t have.”</p>
<p>Steve glances at him, eyes full of guilt.</p>
<p>Bucky wraps his arm round Steve’s shoulders, pulling him close, Steve resisting the comfort a little. “If you’d jumped, you would have broken my heart,” he murmurs, pressing his head to Steve’s.</p>
<p>Steve’s hand comes up to hold onto Bucky’s wrist as his body shakes a little.</p>
<p>“Plus you’re too stupid, Stevie, you would have landed on a pile of rocks,” Bucky continues with his murmur, smiling now.</p>
<p>Steve barks out a surprised laugh, finally turning his head to look at Bucky. “You can’t…Jesus…” he huffs, a little flabbergasted, as Bucky smiles at him.</p>
<p>“Look, we now know that I don’t do well with snow, okay?” Bucky decides sensibly. “So that’s fine, we can work with that, right?”</p>
<p>Steve looks at him, eyes a little incredulous now as he nods slowly.</p>
<p>“Okay, good,” Bucky declares, wanting more than anything to make Steve feel better and coming up with a plan. “I’m gonna go and put on some clothes. You’re gonna go and make another couple of hot chocolates and we can finish our Christmas movie, okay?” He would suggest Steve still taking James out, but he knows there’s no point, because he knows his friend and knows Steve will say no to leaving him alone now.</p>
<p>Steve nods, looking a little astounded. “You’re incredible,” he murmurs, as Bucky finally moves his arms from around him.</p>
<p>“Tell me something I don’t know,” he hums as he stands up, Steve letting out a surprised chuckle as Bucky leaves to head to his own room, something gold and molten in his chest at the thought of how much Steve cares for him.</p>
<p>When he’s dressed and gets back downstairs, he finds Steve with James on his lap again, two mugs of steaming liquid on the coffee table, the movie paused and waiting, and the curtains all closed, tree lights on.</p>
<p>He pauses for a moment at the bottom of the stairs, his heart glowing, because he can’t think of anything better to help him right now then snuggling all warm on the couch in the little Christmas wonderland they created together.</p>
<p>Then he joins them, settling in next to Steve, resting his head on his shoulder, pulling his favourite big blanket over them all as he gets ready for the rest of the movie.</p>
<p>And this time, Alpine jumps up to sit on his lap too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Aw Poor Bucky 😭 This has one of my fave lines I've written also.</p>
<p>I hope you enjoy this longish chapter, as it will need to tide you over until Christmas Day, because the next chapter is their Christmas and therefore I must post it on Christmas 😂</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. we were making it count</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Christmas!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve wakes on Christmas Day to the sound of crying. He wakes a lot of days to that sound and he groans a little as he rolls over to look at the clock. It’s just after six in the morning and a little early for James to be awake, but maybe on some level she knows it’s a special day, he muses, even though that’s probably ridiculous of him to think.</p><p>He then frowns a little to himself as he realises Bucky’s not there, even though they went to sleep together. He tries to not let it worry him though. Maybe he woke up early and went to play with Alpine. Steve’s trying really hard lately to just let things be and not worry so much. It’s his new philosophy that he’s trying hard to adopt ever since their snow incident. Steve’s basically in awe of how Bucky handled it. It was obviously hugely traumatic, the snow triggering memories that Steve can’t begin to understand the horror of, but Bucky pulled himself back together and he’s pushing through. Steve can’t imagine the sort of inner strength it takes on Bucky’s part to move past it and not let it derail his progress.</p><p>So he wants to make progress too.</p><p>He wants to be fine with not necessarily knowing where Bucky is every second of every day and to be fine with Bucky going out by himself when he wants to and not moping by himself while he waits for him to come back. He wants to just enjoy how Bucky’s really doing so great with James and just let it be what it is, with no pressure, just like they discussed. And he wants to just be grateful for what they have and enjoy the life they’re living together now, because really, it’s more than he could have ever asked for.</p><p>Steve stretches and swings his legs over to the side of the bed, smiling a little to himself. He thinks his new philosophy is going well, as he pads across the room and out to the hallway to James’ room, where she’s waiting for him, clearly needing a diaper change.</p><p>“Merry Christmas, baby girl,” he murmurs to her as he lifts her up.</p><p>He can’t believe it’s her first Christmas. He already knows he’s going to take too many pictures and Bucky will probably tease him for it, but he doesn’t care. Christmas somehow seems so much more exciting now he has a kid. Plus Bucky might tease him, but he also clearly knows how much these moments mean to Steve. The day after the snow incident, he all but forced Steve out the door with James again, so they could go for a snowy walk. Steve didn’t want to leave Bucky alone, but Bucky was insistent and Steve’s glad he pushed him, because he got to see James’ confused face at everything around them being white and sparkly.</p><p>Annoyingly though, the snow has been lingering, but Steve’s made sure to keep the blinds mostly closed round the house so Bucky doesn’t have to see it. It’s a little adjustment, but one Steve’s happy to make and one Bucky seems grateful for. It has meant a few days of Bucky staying inside, but Steve’s done his best to make them happy, cosy days in the run up to Christmas and Bucky seems to be dealing well with them, even if he is a little more snuggly than usual. Which is not something Steve will ever complain about. He loves when Bucky’s like that with him. Loves that he’s the only person Bucky’s like that with.</p><p>Steve tries to stop thinking about Bucky’s soft hair against his face and finishes up changing James and then dresses her in a new outfit that arrived two days ago with instructions to open before Christmas from Pepper and Tony—an adorable red onesie with white reindeer on. There’s also another pretty sparkly dress, but Steve figures she can wear that later. He knows his friends will want pictures of her in both her outfits.</p><p>There’s also a mass of presents around the tree, almost entirely for James from the rest of his friends, but Steve had also been delighted to find a number of things with Bucky’s name on and it means a lot that his friends have included Bucky. He wants today to be special for all of them.</p><p>Steve adds the matching cute bow headband to James’ head and then lifts her, already getting a little more excited about the day, heading downstairs to find Bucky.</p><p>He finds Bucky’s already switched the tree lights on—they have them on all the time lately to stop the room seeming dark or gloomy with the blinds closed—and there’s a delicious smell wafting from the kitchen and he walks in there to find Bucky’s peering into the oven.</p><p>“You’re up early,” he comments as he hears Steve come in and he straightens up and turns to look at them, a smile on his face. He’s still in his pyjamas, hair tied back messily, and Steve thinks he maybe looks even more beautiful than usual. If that’s even possible. It might be the pure contented look on his face that makes Steve think that.</p><p>“So are you,” Steve points out. “What are you making?”</p><p>Bucky grins. “Cinnamon rolls, remember? They smell amazing, so I’m hoping they taste as good,” he comments, looking back at the oven.</p><p>Steve does remember. They bought a special box that had all the dry ingredients in, because Bucky thought it looked fun. He huffs, a little awed that Bucky did this himself though, because Steve’s really the main cook in the house, but he’s sure they’ll be great. “I bet they taste amazing.” His stomach growls as if to prove a point. “When will they be ready?” he asks eagerly.</p><p>“Ten minutes?” Bucky furrows his brow, looking at the oven timer. Then he looks over at Steve. “Oh hey, Merry Christmas, Stevie,” he grins, stepping over to give him a quick hug, careful not to smush James.</p><p>Steve delights in it, giving him a one-armed squeeze back. “Merry Christmas, Buck,” he grins back.</p><p>“Merry Christmas, James,” Bucky adds as he pulls away. He reaches out and pokes her bow ever so slightly. “Cute outfit,” he comments.</p><p>Steve beams at him as Bucky turns back to the oven. “A gift from Pepper,” he explains as he walks over to put James in her high-chair and then gets started making her bottle and decides what food to give her.</p><p>It’s just the perfect start to the day, Steve thinks, as he potters about. Bucky’s cinnamon rolls turn out perfect and Steve eats four of them, while Bucky makes them coffee and makes Alpine all pretty with a little red collar he got specially for her. Steve notices that Bucky’s even got a matching red hair-tie holding his hair back, so maybe Bucky’s trying to look a little festive himself.</p><p>Steve feels a warm glow settle around him as he looks round the kitchen, which at that moment contains basically everything he could ever need.</p><p>It’s just the perfect Christmas morning.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Christmas turns out pretty perfect, in Bucky’s opinion. After the nice Christmas breakfast that he proudly managed to pull off, Steve corralled them to sit by the tree and open presents.</p><p>There were a lot for James. Lots of toys and clothes and things that Bucky doesn’t even know what they do, but Steve seemed pleased and James liked scrunching the wrapping paper in her hands. More surprising was the amount of presents for him. Bucky had expected some from Steve, but all of his friends—even people Bucky hasn’t met—had sent him a gift too. So Bucky has a basket of new bath things from Natasha and lots of new garden related items from the people he doesn’t know, like Wanda and Bruce, and Tony got him a new tablet computer so he doesn’t have to use Steve’s, and he also got lots of toys for Alpine too, which made him extra happy. Steve had been super pleased too, Bucky could tell, and it made him think that Steve didn’t make his friends do this, they just did, and that feels really nice, to be included like that. He thinks he’ll definitely have to meet them all sometime soon to thank them in person. Somehow the thought of that doesn’t feel as stressful as it used to.</p><p>The only present that made Steve frown a little was Sam’s. He got Bucky a few books about trauma, but he wrote a note with them explaining they were books that helped him when he returned to civilian life, so Bucky knew the thought came from an understanding place and not a judgmental one. So he made sure Steve knew he wasn’t offended and appreciated Sam trying to help. He’s resolved to read them. Maybe they will be helpful.</p><p>But the best part of the morning was giving Steve his presents. He looked so touched as he opened the art supplies Bucky had gotten him, even though Bucky had worried they were a boring gift. And if he looked touched for that, he looked awed for the presents Bucky got James. Steve had to open them for her, of course, and he looked beyond happy as he saw what they were.</p><p>Bucky had spent a long time trawling through products on websites until he finally settled on a few things. So now James has a new matching dinosaur stuffy to go with her Brontosaurus, this one a Stegosaurus, and also a nice dinosaur print showing all the types of dinosaurs that Bucky thought would be nice to go on her wall. He also picked out some books that looked nice and a few different outfits that he found himself drawn to. They weren’t anything special, but Steve acted like they were the best presents he’d ever seen, and that feeling was better than anything.</p><p>He barely notices that Steve hasn’t actually given him any presents until he realises they’ve opened everything under the tree.</p><p>He glances over to see Steve grinning at him. “You think I didn’t get you anything?” he teases, already getting to his feet, with James on his hip.</p><p>Bucky huffs, a little confused. “I don’t know,” he shrugs. “You didn’t have to.”</p><p>Steve reaches a hand down to help pull Bucky to his feet, smiling at him as Bucky reaches eye level. “It’s not wrapped is the thing,” he explains, Bucky suddenly relishing the feel of Steve’s hand in his and noticing how close up they are. Then Steve seems to notice he’s still holding Bucky’s hand and lets go of him. “Follow me,” he commands, heading for the kitchen.</p><p>Bucky follows, curious, trying to push down his intrusive thoughts of what it might feel like to have Steve’s hands on other parts of him.</p><p>“So first present, that I can’t take credit for is the snow’s gone,” Steve tells him as he puts James down in her playpen.</p><p>Bucky lets out a breath, relief running through him. It’s only been a couple of days, but he’s glad it’s gone so he can go outside again. Steve’s been so sweet, closing the blinds so Bucky doesn’t see it, just in case, and he knows Steve had been planning to go and shovel around the whole house if it had stayed any longer.</p><p>“It actually turned out kinda helpful,” Steve continues, hand now hovering on the door handle to go out to the garden. “Meant I could hide your presents more easily,” he says with a sweet smile.</p><p>Bucky furrows his brow but smiles, a little confused as Steve opens the back door with a flourish. He follows him out, still perplexed, until he sees a whole bunch of new things.</p><p>The first that catches his eye is a wooden bench, painted white, sitting on the previously bare porch. It has green padded cushions on top of it so it looks like it would be comfy to sit on and it has vines carved into the wood along the backrest and on the arms.</p><p>“So you can sit and look out at your garden and enjoy it,” Steve explains as Bucky runs a hand over it, feeling the carvings under his fingers, already so touched by Steve’s thoughtfulness that he’s a little speechless.</p><p>Bucky’s eyes go to the next thing, a grey cabinet, taller than it is wide, with a metal roof, that’s next to the house down the porch steps. He steps down, following Steve to it, who unlocks it to show Bucky all his tools are neatly put away in it. Usually Bucky just leaves his tools on the porch or brings the small ones inside, but this is so much better. He can see there’s a bunch of new things in there too, like new spades and gloves and other things. A little smile of disbelief forms on his face as his fingers itch to take everything out and inspect it all.</p><p>“And then, this,” Steve turns and walks, lifting his arms out to point towards the back of the garden, a big grin on his face.</p><p>Bucky follows until he can see what he’s gesturing at past the tree.</p><p>And there he sees a glass greenhouse sitting there at the back. He can see it’s already full of plants.</p><p>Bucky feels his heart lurch and he finds himself running over to look at it as he hears Steve chuckle and follow after him.</p><p>He finds the door at the side and opens it, in pure awe as he steps inside, a little lost for words at the sight of this little safe haven for his plants and all the new ones he now has. “Y-you did all this?” he finally utters, as Steve steps in behind him, as he looks at all the wonderful plants ready for his care and attention.</p><p>“Well, no, the two delivery guys did a couple of days ago, when I distracted you by asking you to read to James,” Steve admits.</p><p>Bucky huffs at his sneakiness. They’d been putting James to bed and Steve had requested he read and then he’d left him to finish the story, saying he’d left her favourite dinosaur toy downstairs. But he had taken an awfully long time to come back up, Bucky realises.</p><p>“How exactly were you planning on hiding this?” Bucky raises his eyebrows as he walks through, touching some leaves as he goes, amazed that Steve did all this for him.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Steve says from behind him. “A big cover?”</p><p>Bucky lets out an amused huff. “I guess the snow did help you out then,” he muses.</p><p>“So…you like it?” Steve asks after a few moments of silence.</p><p>Bucky turns to see Steve looking hopeful. “Are you kidding?” Bucky all but scoffs. “I love it.” He takes the few steps back to Steve and slings his arms around him. “Thank you, Stevie. It’s wonderful. Best thing I’ve ever gotten.” He squeezes him tight, Steve’s hands coming up to rest on his back, holding him close.</p><p>Bucky finds himself not letting go. He just wants to stand there, holding Steve. God, he smells so good…</p><p>“I’m glad you like it,” Steve murmurs. He’s the one who pulls away first. “We should go and get started on the cooking,” he reminds Bucky, a pleased smile on his face.</p><p>Bucky sighs a little. “I guess so.”</p><p>“You can come back later to look at everything,” Steve promises with an understanding grin on his face.</p><p>Bucky smiles a little wider. “Okay.” He really can’t wait.</p><p>Cooking their Christmas dinner turns out to be fun too though. Steve puts some music on and they have a great time putting everything together.</p><p>Just before it’s ready, Steve heads upstairs with James to get her dressed in another new outfit Pepper sent, returning with her in a pretty cream and gold sparkly dress with another matching bow.</p><p>Bucky grins as he sees it. “Fancy.”</p><p>Steve grins back. “I know. Putting us to shame,” he laughs as he puts her in her high-chair and goes to check how long is left on the oven.</p><p>He’s right. Both of them are still in their pyjamas, but Bucky’s cosy and comfy and doesn’t feel like changing. “Hey, um…” Bucky speaks up, a sudden thought popping into his head. “Do you want me to take a picture of you two together? First Christmas and all?” he offers. He knows how important ‘firsts’ are for Steve.</p><p>Steve looks over at him, looking pleased. “I…yeah, that would be great, thanks.” He pulls his phone out his pocket, passing it to Bucky, as Bucky looks round trying to decide where the picture would be best.</p><p>“How about in front of the doors,” he suggests, thinking it’ll sort of frame them, plus they hung garland along the top so it’ll look festive.</p><p>Steve nods as he lifts James from her chair, smoothing out her dress and adjusting the bow, before posing in front of the back doors. He starts trying to coax James to look the right way as Bucky takes a few photos anyway. One good thing about the future is how many photos he can take and how he can see them straight away.</p><p>Steve finally gets James looking the right way and poses with a smile at the camera and Bucky snaps that too, but secretly he thinks the ones where Steve’s looking at James are better, because he looks at her like she’s his whole world.</p><p>“What about one of us all together?” Steve suggests as Bucky lowers the phone. “I mean, it’s our first Christmas in a while too,” he adds with a little shy half smile.</p><p>“Um, okay?” Bucky agrees, but he’s not sure how they achieve that with no one to take the photo.</p><p>“Oh, there’s a timer, we just need to set it up somewhere it can see us all,” Steve explains as he walks forward, before clearly realising his hands are full as Bucky holds the phone out. “Oh, um…” he mumbles, looking round and moving towards the high-chair again.</p><p>Bucky doesn’t really know what comes over him, other than it seems pointless to put James back in her chair just to take her out again in a second, so he puts the phone down on the counter and offers his arms out. “I can take her.”</p><p>Steve looks as surprised as he would if Bucky had just grown antlers out of his head.</p><p>“I mean, if it’s helpful,” Bucky adds, suddenly worried.</p><p>Steve seems to blink out of his shock. “No, um, yeah that’s…great idea,” he says with a weird looking smile, before he carefully passes James over to him.</p><p>Bucky’s watched Steve enough that he gets the basic hold right quickly. It’s not even been that long, but she feels a lot bigger and heavier than she did the last time he did this. She’s growing up fast.</p><p>Steve picks up the phone and starts trying to prop it into position on the counter, making use of some of James’ blocks, as they wait. It’s a little weird, having James so up close as she stares at him like she’s trying to figure him out. She really, truly does have his eyes.</p><p>“Okay, can you go over to the doors and I can make sure you’re in the shot?” Steve asks, and Bucky dutifully does as requested. “Okay, step forward a little. Okay, perfect,” Steve grins. He fiddles around a bit and then hurries over to them. “Five seconds and it’ll take.”</p><p>Bucky realises it’s not really enough time to hand James back over and get back into a pose, so he just holds onto her as Steve steps in next to him.</p><p>“Smile,” Steve says, and then a red light on the phone blinks. “Can we do another one just in case?” he asks, sounding a little hyped up now, already heading back to the phone.</p><p>“Sure,” Bucky agrees easily, because it’s making Steve happy.</p><p>They take another two and then Alpine reappears, mewing at him like she’s feeling left out.</p><p>“Do you…can we take one with Alpine?” Bucky requests, feeling a little foolish for asking, but Alpine’s important too and he’d like her to be in the pictures too.</p><p>But Steve just nods happily, understanding as always. “Sure, Buck, of course.” He heads over mumbling something about putting a longer timer on, fiddling with the phone before coming back over.</p><p>“Okay,” Bucky murmurs, feeling himself turn a little red. He hands James back to Steve carefully, before bending down to gather Alpine into his arms.</p><p>They end up with a picture of James reaching desperately for Alpine, but it’s pretty cute anyway. All the pictures are, Bucky thinks when they’re done and James is back in her chair, as Steve scrolls through them, showing them off to Bucky.</p><p>“These look so great,” Steve muses, a sweet little smile on his face.</p><p>Bucky feels a small lump in his throat. They really do look good. They look like a little family. He glances at Steve while he’s still got his attention on the phone screen, and the unwanted thoughts come back. Steve looks so content and Bucky has the sudden longing to reach out and stroke over the fair skin of his cheek. His gaze flitters to Steve’s lips and he’s suddenly wondering what they would feel like against his own. He doesn’t remember the last time he was kissed—that’s how long ago it was and he thought it didn’t matter, but suddenly he’s thinking about it.</p><p>But he’s not thinking about kissing just anyone. He’s thinking about kissing Steve and he knows he shouldn’t be thinking it.</p><p>Bucky moves away and goes to check on the food. “I think we’re almost ready,” he tells Steve.</p><p>Steve nods and clicks a few times on his phone before putting it down on the counter. “You know, I’m very proud of our kitchen skills,” he informs Bucky as he heads to open the oven.</p><p>“Yeah?” Bucky grins back, pushing the intrusive thoughts from his mind. “You think our moms would be impressed?”</p><p>Steve gets a little wistful look on his face. “I think so,” he smiles softly. He leans down and pulls the roast potatoes out of the oven.</p><p>“It’s sad they didn’t get to meet James,” Bucky realises out loud. His mom was always going on about wanting grandchildren and now she sort of has one and doesn’t get to be around to see it. Then he realises, his sisters probably had kids and she probably had many years of being a grandmother. He looked his family up before, but only looked at the most basic details, not wanting to dig deep into that pain. It makes his heart pang just a little for all the lost things that he’s never really thought about before. There are so many things that he’ll never get back.</p><p>Steve casts a loving look over at James, a touch of sadness in his eyes now. “They probably would have fought over who got to see her the most,” he says with a small chuckle.</p><p>Bucky huffs a little. “Yeah, probably.” Their moms had been good friends, but he can totally see them engaged in some sort of favourite grandmother wars, if things had been different. If Mrs Rogers hadn’t gotten sick and Bucky had never gone to war. If Steve had never become Captain America. “I bet they’re both real proud of you though,” Bucky adds, because he knows in his heart that that’s true.</p><p>Steve looks touched as he meets Bucky’s eyes. “You think?” he asks, almost tentatively, like he doesn’t believe that.</p><p>“Of course,” Bucky huffs in disbelief. “Look how much good you’ve done. Not even just James, even though that’s a huge thing. No way could they be prouder of you,” he says, voice firm. Then he pauses. “Me, not so much,” he huffs with a little shrug, looking down at the plates he’s been gathering, thinking about the mess his life has been.</p><p>Steve’s warm hand is on his shoulder in a second. “Buck, are you kidding?” he asks as Bucky tentatively meets those ever so blue eyes. “What you’ve done…” Steve trails off, shaking his head. “You’re incredible. Everything you’ve had to overcome, so much of it by yourself, because you’re always thinking of others, not wanting to hurt anyone, and now look at you,” he gushes, eyes staring so intensely it’s like they’re in Bucky’s soul. “Even when you’ve had setbacks, you still get up and keep going. You don’t let it stop you.” He lets out a breath. “I’m in awe of the strength you have inside you,” he admits softly.</p><p>Bucky feels choked up. He feels his eyes welling up, but he tries to blink the water back. “You think my mom and dad are proud?” he whispers, unable to get his voice any louder right then.</p><p>Steve gathers him up into a tight hug, pressing his face against Bucky’s hair, hand on the back of his head. “Prouder than anyone could ever be,” he confirms with absolute certainty in his voice. “Just like I am.”</p><p>A few tears do escape then. Bucky can’t help himself. Steve’s belief in him means everything. “Thank you, Stevie,” he sniffs against his shoulder.</p><p>Steve pulls back, a kind look on his face. “You don’t have to thank me, Buck. All I’m doing is saying true stuff.”</p><p>Bucky huffs out a laugh, wiping his hand over his face. “Ugh, I’m a mess,” he says, a little embarrassed.</p><p>“No you aren’t,” Steve counters. “But I can grab you some tissues if you want?” he offers.</p><p>Bucky nods, sniffing again, as Steve smiles gently before he heads away to the bathroom. He appreciates the offer, because it’s not just the tissues, it’s also giving Bucky a minute to pull himself together, because Steve just knows him and knows what he needs without him asking for it.</p><p>He takes a couple of breaths to help calm himself just as Steve’s phone buzzes on the counter, almost scaring him to death.</p><p>He recovers and chuckles to himself as he realises what made the noise, thinking that he really must be himself if a phone can scare him these days. The soldier wouldn’t have even flinched.</p><p>He glances at the phone and then he feels like he might cry again, because it reminds him that even if his family is gone, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one.</p><p>The picture of him, Steve, James and Alpine is set as Steve’s background.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Merry Christmas guys! Thank you for making my life that much brighter, I wish you all a safe and happy holiday time and I hope you enjoyed this chapter 💜</p><p>There's a reference to an excellent stucky fic in here, if you can find it you win mad stucky fan respect 😊</p><p>Next chapter on New Year's cause it's their New Year's too. And something happens! 🤭 I'm excited!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. for you I would ruin myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>New Year and baby sickness.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Minor warning for mention of vomit, not graphic.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Christmas went so well, Bucky should have expected the next celebration to be a disaster. It’s how the world generally works for him, after all.</p>
<p>It’s not that they even had plans.</p>
<p>Steve decided to stay home for New Year’s Eve and Bucky had no problem with that. James has been tucked in her crib sleeping for a good few hours, with a little awake and crying moment in the middle, and now he and Steve are on the couch watching the New Year’s programming on TV.</p>
<p>So it’s nothing special.</p>
<p>But Bucky can’t help getting wrapped up in all of it, watching the countdown, seeing Steve’s happy face. For once, he’s excited about what’s to come. He feels pretty certain that the new year has the potential to be the best of his life. His life has changed so much, it’s unrecognisable. He’s safe and he has his hobbies and all the food he could ever want and he’s dealing okay with the past, finally, and it’s all thanks to Steve. His life is somehow full of hope again, like it was when he was a kid, and he never thought that would be possible.</p>
<p>So when the countdown hits one and Steve turns to him and pulls him into a celebratory hug, Bucky can only blame the excitement for what happens next.</p>
<p>That being, that as they pull apart, Bucky leans in unthinkingly and plants a kiss right on Steve’s mouth.</p>
<p>Then pulls back, horrified at what he’s just done.</p>
<p>Steve’s eyes have gone wide and he looks a little frozen, as Bucky realises there is a tiny window to rectify this situation.</p>
<p>“Happy New Year!” he all but yells out, trying to keep his own shock from his face.</p>
<p>Steve looks confused, basically gaping at him now.</p>
<p>So Bucky slugs him on the shoulder. “Just figured, you ain’t got anyone else to have a New Year’s kiss with around,” he teases, but the words aren’t really coming out with the jovial tone he’s aiming for. They’re a little choked really. He tries to force a bright, teasing look onto his face.</p>
<p>“Right…” Steve utters very slowly.</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t meet his eyes and stretches his arms up exaggeratedly. “You know, sometimes I really feel like I actually am a hundred,” he tries to joke. “Like when midnight is too late for me to be up,” he continues, with a forced smile. “I’m gonna head up to bed.” He fakes a yawn, then pulls Steve in for a quick hug, trying to make everything seem as normal as possible. “Goodnight, Stevie. See you in the new year,” he jokes as he stands up.</p>
<p>“Night, Buck,” Steve says quietly behind him, as Bucky walks to the stairs, stopping himself running to them like he wants to.</p>
<p>He gives Steve a weird little wave and then clambers up the stairs for the safety of his bedroom, where he sinks onto the bed, head in his hands.</p>
<p>What the fuck has he just done?</p>
<p>Has he just ruined his relationship with the most important person in his life? Did Steve buy his excuse? Is he sitting down there freaking out, thinking what Bucky just did is repulsive?</p>
<p>What the hell is wrong with him? Why…why did he just do that? He’s so in control usually, how could he have let that happen? And how, despite him freaking out, could it have felt so right?</p>
<p>It was a nothing of a kiss. A short press of lips, barely a second long, but Bucky feels like he’s on fire. If he needed any more confirmation of his sexuality, he sure just got it.</p>
<p>But god, he had no right to do that to Steve.</p>
<p>He was just excited about the new year, Bucky tries to rationalise. The people on the TV were all kissing each other at midnight and Bucky got caught up in it, not thinking clearly. If Steve’s weird with him in the morning, he’ll just say that and laugh it off. It’ll be fine. It will all be fine.</p>
<p>Bucky lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to tell himself that, to convince himself. He hears Steve come upstairs and hears him pause near Bucky’s door, Bucky’s heart racing as he does, but then he moves along the corridor to his room and Bucky breathes a sigh of relief.</p>
<p>Everything will be okay, he tells himself, as he tries to will himself to sleep.</p>
<p>He must manage eventually, because the next thing he knows, he’s blinking awake to the sound of crying. And not the usual fussy crying. This is like the teething shrieking ear-piercing crying.</p>
<p>Bucky frowns as he pulls himself up out of bed. They’ve had more than a few nights of screaming because of the teeth, but he thought they were past it for now.</p>
<p>When he gets to James’ room, just to check that everything’s okay, he finds Steve there, James in his arms, screaming with tears down her face, vomit down Steve’s shoulder and back and a little on the floor.</p>
<p>Steve’s eyes are wide and worried as he turns to see Bucky there. “She’s sick,” he tells him, voice full of worry and face full of concern. “Her head’s really hot and she threw up.”</p>
<p>He looks panicked as James continues crying in his ear and he tries desperately to calm her.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky tries to think rationally. “Okay, so you said she’s had a fever before, right?” He remembers Steve telling him about it.</p>
<p>Steve nods, looking troubled.</p>
<p>“Okay, so what did you do then? Do we need a doctor?” Bucky checks.</p>
<p>“I…” Steve looks like he wants to say yes, but then shakes his head slightly. “No, I need to check her temperature and as long as it’s not too high then we can give her medicine and see if that helps.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky nods. “So, a thermometer, right? Where is that?”</p>
<p>“Bathroom,” Steve nods towards the door, stroking over James’ hair with his hand.</p>
<p>“I’ll grab it,” Bucky tells him, already going.</p>
<p>He finds it in the cabinet and returns to Steve, who takes James over to lie on the changing table so he can take off her top and put the thermometer under her armpit, James screeching and crying and wiggling the whole time.</p>
<p>When it beeps, Steve checks it and his face falls. “It’s high,” he confirms. “I…I’m gonna call her doctor anyway,” he decides, and Bucky can see that he needs that reassurance, even if this is just a normal sickness bug. Then Steve looks like he realises he can’t do that easily with James screaming right next to him.</p>
<p>“I’ve got her, you grab your phone and make the call,” Bucky says instantly, stepping forward.</p>
<p>Steve looks conflicted. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>Bucky nods, already going over to place his hand on James’ stomach lightly, even though she can’t roll off the changing table.</p>
<p>“Okay, thank you, Buck.” Steve seems to breathe a sigh of relief. “I’ll grab my phone and be right in the hallway.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods, as Steve hurries away. James has vomit on her pulled down onesie, so he decides the best thing he can do right now is to strip that off and get her in a fresh one, because that smell is not pleasant for either of them.</p>
<p>He finds a plain white one in the drawers where he knows they are kept and carefully gets her little legs out the soiled one. He can hear Steve talking on the phone now, just outside the room.</p>
<p>Bucky gets James into the fresh onesie, which is much more difficult than it looks like it should be, but that’s probably because she’s crying. Then he grabs a wipe and wipes round her mouth, getting rid of the vomit on her chin, putting his hand on her forehead for a moment.</p>
<p>She <em>is</em> running hot. “You poor thing,” Bucky tells her sympathetically. It’s been a long time since he’s been sick—in fact, he’s not even sure if he can get sick anymore, but he knows how awful it is. It must be especially awful to be sick as a baby, because you can’t tell anyone what’s wrong and they can’t explain to you why you feel bad and that you’ll be okay.</p>
<p>He suddenly has a thought and switches hands, letting his metal hand rest ever so gently on her forehead. The metal hand is always a little cold. Not freezing, but just always taking on the air temperature.</p>
<p>James is still crying, but he hopes it helps a little bit.</p>
<p>He hears Steve coming back into the room and turns his head, not wanting to move. “What did the doctor say?”</p>
<p>Steve looks confused, like he’s not sure what he’s seeing, but seems to recover quickly as he slides his phone into his pyjama pocket. “She said as long as her temperature doesn’t go up, we should be okay to deal with this at home. She needs fluids and I can give her some medicine to help.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods along. “Okay, what’s the medicine? Do you have some?”</p>
<p>“Baby Tylenol, should be some in the bathroom,” Steve murmurs, as he comes to stand next to Bucky.</p>
<p>“I’ll find it,” Bucky decides, moving his hand.</p>
<p>He makes a quick detour to Steve’s room to grab him a fresh t-shirt and then goes to the bathroom, quickly finding the right medicine, before returning to James’ room.</p>
<p>“Here,” he says, passing Steve the bottle.</p>
<p>Steve takes it with a look of thanks and studies it before his face crumples. “It’s out of date,” he utters, voice defeated. “Dammit,” he suddenly growls, scrunching his face up. “I should have checked, I should have made sure I had some ready, just in case she needed it.” He runs a hand over his face, hissing in frustration.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Bucky tries to pacify him, taking the bottle from his hand before he does something stupid like crushing it into pieces. “It’s not your fault.” He puts the bottle to the side and pushes the fresh t-shirt into Steve’s hands instead. “I can go get some right now, okay? Just tell me where to go. And put this on,” he adds.</p>
<p>Steve looks a little befuddled, but he does as he’s told, taking the shirt, pulling the other one off and dumping it on the floor.</p>
<p>Bucky manages to get a wipe on his neck and ear before he pulls the other shirt on, cleaning a few flecks of vomit away.</p>
<p>Steve stares at him, looking a little astonished, while Bucky does his very best to keep his eyes up, because now is not the time to be ogling his best friend. In fact, there’s never a time for that. He should never be looking at Steve’s broad shoulders and trim little waist…</p>
<p>Bucky blinks and tries to concentrate. “Okay, all good,” he confirms, throwing the wipe in the trash, gathering Steve’s vomit shirt and James’ vomit onesie so he can throw them in the laundry basket in Steve’s room in a minute, looking anywhere but at Steve as he pulls the fresh shirt on.</p>
<p>“So, nearest place I can get this?” Bucky asks again, reaching for the bottle. He figures he can take it with him, so he can easily find a fresh one.</p>
<p>“Um, the place five blocks over, they’re usually open til…” Steve trails off, eyes widening. “It’s New Year’s,” he suddenly states. “Fuck, everything’s going to be closed,” he groans in frustration.</p>
<p>“Not everything,” Bucky counters. There must be somewhere open for emergency things like medicine. He can see how stressed Steve is and he wants to do anything he can to help. “Why don’t you look it up on your phone?” he suggests, and that seems to bring Steve out of his despair.</p>
<p>He nods, pulling his phone out, as Bucky goes back over to put his hand on James’ head. “You’re okay,” he murmurs, even as she cries.</p>
<p>It takes Steve a couple of minutes, but then a look of relief appears on his face. “The big store, they’re open.”</p>
<p>The big store is the one they go to when they need clothes or baby things or more groceries than the store nearby has. Bucky knows where it is. It means driving, but he can do that.</p>
<p>“Okay. I’ll go there and get it. Is there anything else she’ll need while I’m there?” Bucky asks as he moves over to him.</p>
<p>Steve shakes his head. “You sure you can—”</p>
<p>“It’s fine, Stevie, I got this. You look after her and I’ll be right back, I promise.” He gives Steve’s shoulder a squeeze.</p>
<p>Steve looks like he visibly deflates a little. “Thank you, Buck,” he breathes out.</p>
<p>“Send me a message if you think of anything else?” Bucky offers before he goes, finally having a communication use for his new phone.</p>
<p>Steve nods back, before turning his attention to James again, as Bucky heads out.</p>
<p>He grabs a sweater from his room, thankful he didn’t actually bother changing out of his sweatpants to sleep, and then finds the car keys downstairs, makes sure he has his bank card and then he’s out the door.</p>
<p>The store is open, if all but deserted when Bucky arrives there. It’s just after three in the morning and Bucky’s glad for how this strange world means stores stay open even on special days, even if he doesn’t understand why, because it can’t really be worth it if this is the level of people they get at this time.</p>
<p>He immediately heads for one of the two workers he sees, figuring it’s better to just ask than try to find the medicine himself in this huge place and they show him where to find it and he gets two bottles, just in case, because there are two different flavours and he doesn’t know if James has a preference.</p>
<p>He’s in the store barely five minutes before he’s back in the car.</p>
<p>The drive home is only fifteen minutes, but Bucky figures he can make it faster what with the lack of traffic on the roads. And it’s sort of fun, being back in the driver’s seat. He hasn’t driven in years. He has a strange recollection of holding a steering wheel in his hand, but he pushes that thought down, and just enjoys driving again.</p>
<p>Except, only two minutes into his drive, the worst thing possible happens.</p>
<p>It starts as little flecks against the window, but quickly turns into large flakes.</p>
<p>Bucky feels like he’s holding his breath as he notices the snow.</p>
<p>It gets heavier within minutes as Bucky grips the steering wheel tightly, trying to stay calm. He fiddles to turn the wipers on and slows down some, visibility already getting poor, as the snow gets heavier out of nowhere.</p>
<p>He takes a deep breath, glancing at the bag on the seat next to him. He has important medicine for James. He has to get home so Steve can take care of her. He can’t let the snow get to him like before. He has to keep himself present and focused.</p>
<p>He starts singing softly to himself, the song Sarah used to sing to them, as he tries to focus on the lines of the road and not the snow that’s falling all around. It’s only a few more minutes. Just a few more.</p>
<p>He can feel himself shuddering, even though the car’s heaters are on, like an involuntary reaction to the sight of all that white, like his body remembers. But he keeps himself singing, focusing straight ahead and thinking about James and how Steve’s waiting for him. How Steve trusted him with this. He can’t let him down.</p>
<p>After the tensest drive of his life, he finally pulls onto their familiar street and then up to their house.</p>
<p>He parks, the brake jerking a little harshly as soon as he’s at the end of their drive instead of in the garage, and grabs the bag of medicine, then braces himself as he gets out and runs to the house, clicking to lock the car doors as he goes.</p>
<p>His hands shake a little as he unlocks the front door, but then he’s in. He rests his back against the door for a moment, letting himself calm down for a second, and then kicks off his shoes and heads quickly up the stairs.</p>
<p>He finds Steve still in James’ room, sitting on the green chair with her in his arms, trying to coax her into taking her bottle, but she’s still crying too hard.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Bucky murmurs, already holding the bag of medicine out. “I got it.”</p>
<p>Steve looks so relieved as he glances over. “God, thank you, Buck.”</p>
<p>Bucky lets the praise wash over him as he gets the bottles out the bag. “I got both flavours they had, just in case.”</p>
<p>Steve manages a small smile at that, even though he looks exhausted. “Can you hold this?” he asks, holding out James’ bottle.</p>
<p>Bucky nods and exchanges bottles with him, Steve taking the grape flavour that Bucky opens for him. Steve then starts the hard task of trying to get James to take some, which he eventually manages, even though she cries the whole time and gets sticky liquid round her mouth.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, baby, it’s gonna be okay,” he murmurs to her, letting Bucky take the bottle and spoon from him. “It should kick in soon,” he adds to Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky nods, realising he’s feeling a little unsteady now. “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom,” he explains, passing Steve back James’ bottle of milk, making his way out the room as steadily as he can.</p>
<p>In the bathroom, he finally takes a minute, leaning on the closed door, his whole body feeling shaky, as all the adrenalin he felt drains out of him. He takes a couple of minutes just breathing slowly, and then washes his hands in warm water at the sink, letting the warmth ground him again, letting the panic settle.</p>
<p>He did it though, he realises. He drove home through the snow and he didn’t lose himself. He lets himself take that as a victory, and then pulls himself together again to head out to check on Steve and James.</p>
<p>James is still crying but not shrieking, which Bucky figures must be a good sign. Steve looks over, a grateful look on his face. “You should go back to bed,” he says softly.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” Bucky replies, realising he means it. He wants to help however he can. He’s already focused on small vomit stain on the floor, grabbing another baby wipe and giving it a little scrub. It won’t do much, but it might help a little, he figures.</p>
<p>“Buck, you don’t have to do that,” Steve protests.</p>
<p>“I know,” Bucky replies, finishing up with that and throwing the wipe in the bin, passing Steve a fresh one so he can wipe James’ mouth. “You want anything? Coffee? Tea?” he offers.</p>
<p>Steve looks so tired out. “Tea would be good,” he finally relents.</p>
<p>Bucky nods and gives him a smile, before heading downstairs. He avoids looking out any of the uncovered windows, like the coloured panes of the front door, as he makes his way to the kitchen.</p>
<p>He makes the tea, giving Alpine some cuddles as she comes to investigate why he’s awake, and then makes his way back upstairs as quickly as he can, to find James finally quiet and looking like she might fall asleep on Steve’s chest. He puts Steve’s tea down next to him wordlessly, not wanting to risk James not falling asleep and then he sits on the green block, holding his own mug between his hands, just watching them.</p>
<p>James does eventually fall asleep, Steve waiting a long time before carefully putting her back in her crib without waking her.</p>
<p>“Thank you for helping,” Steve whispers to Bucky as he gestures and they make their way out the room. “You should go to bed, get some sleep.”</p>
<p>Bucky wouldn’t mind keeping him company, but Steve’s said that twice now, so Bucky decides to do as he requests. “Okay,” he nods, looking behind him towards his room. “Wake me if you need anything,” he offers, things suddenly feeling a little awkward.</p>
<p>Steve nods and offers Bucky a strained smiled before heading to his own room.</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help wondering how much of that look is stress over James and how much is because of the kiss. He lies in bed, trying to sleep, trying not to worry about James and trying to stop thinking about Steve’s lips.</p>
<p>But he can’t really sleep. So, when a little while later James starts crying again, it doesn’t wake him, because he’s already up.</p>
<p>He finds himself heading to James’ room straight away, to find Steve leaning over her crib, picking her up, turning as he notices Bucky there.</p>
<p>“She threw up again,” he explains, face scrunched up.</p>
<p>“She can’t have more medicine for two hours,” Bucky informs him, glancing at the clock.</p>
<p>Steve nods. “I think I should give her a bath, it might help get her temperature down.”</p>
<p>Bucky moves out the doorway as Steve approaches, but pauses, looking down to where the baby bath is kept, as though realising he can’t pick it up easily while still holding James.</p>
<p>Bucky reaches his arms out before he can even think about it. “Here, I can hold her,” he offers. Steve will need to fill the bath anyway and Bucky doesn’t know what temperature he’ll want it at, so this is just easier, he figures.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s the worry or maybe he’s just tired, but Steve’s face crumples again and Bucky can see he’s trying to hold himself together.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Bucky tries to help. “Really.” He reaches for James again and this time Steve passes her over.</p>
<p>She has vomit down her front, but Bucky still holds her close even as she cries. He’ll just throw his sweater in the laundry too. He steps back, so Steve can grab the plastic bath and follows him to the bathroom.</p>
<p>He puts his metal hand to James’ forehead as Steve fills the bath up and shifts his weight a little, just swaying her ever so slightly, trying to comfort her without making her sick from the movement. “It’s gonna be okay,” he murmurs quietly while she cries, watching as Steve turns off the tap and puts his elbow into the water.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Steve mutters to himself, grabbing a towel from the shelf and laying it on the floor. “Lie her down here, Buck?” he requests.</p>
<p>Bucky does, being as gentle as he can, making sure to protect her head, and staying on his knees there in case Steve needs help, as Steve removes the onesie and her wet diaper and then carefully lowers her into the bath.</p>
<p>James still cries, but Steve holds onto her carefully.</p>
<p>Bucky takes the opportunity to take the diaper to the special bin in James’ room and put the onesie and his sweater into the laundry basket in Steve’s room, before returning to the bathroom.</p>
<p>“Do you think it’s helping?” he asks, watching as Steve cups the water to gentle trickle it over her arms and chest.</p>
<p>“I hope so,” Steve replies, pure exhaustion in his voice.</p>
<p>It does seem to help eventually. James stops crying and seems to start drifting off, so Steve finishes with the bath, wrapping her up in a big towel, and then heads back to her room to dress her and put her back down to sleep. He sits in the chair for a moment, looking like he might just fall asleep right there.</p>
<p>“C’mon,” Bucky reaches a hand out. “You should get some proper sleep while you can.”</p>
<p>Steve looks up at him and lets out a breath and then nods heavily, grasping Bucky’s hand so he can be pulled to his feet.</p>
<p>It’s a good thing Bucky’s strong, because Steve feels like lead. He manages to get Steve to his room and onto the bed and Steve shuts his eyes basically as soon as he lies down.</p>
<p>Bucky heads out, closing the door almost completely, but then instead of going to his room, he goes to James’ and does what Steve was doing and sits on the green chair.</p>
<p>He just can’t believe how great Steve is. Except, well, of course he can, but he never realised before just how hard being a parent is and how long Steve did this all by himself. Bucky hates that he’s not had someone to rely on to help. Tonight has been scary enough for Bucky, let alone Steve, and he can’t imagine having to deal with something like this alone. He knows Steve’s friends would help if they could, but when it’s something like this and they don’t live nearby, Steve has to do everything alone. And Bucky doesn’t want it to be like that for him anymore.</p>
<p>So Bucky stays awake in James’ room, reading on his phone all about babies and fevers, just in case she wakes and needs something.</p>
<p>And when James does start stirring, Bucky scoops her up and takes her downstairs with him so she won’t wake Steve up. Steve deserves to get some proper rest and Bucky figures he can handle this.</p>
<p>He sits on the couch with James on his lap and puts his metal hand to her forehead again. “There we go,” he murmurs.</p>
<p>Alpine looks over from her bed near the fireplace, apparently curious at the disturbance, as James starts crying, but not quite as loudly as before.</p>
<p>Bucky just hopes Steve’s sleeping deeply enough not to hear it.</p>
<p>They stay there a while, Bucky rocking her a tiny bit, singing Sarah’s song to her softly, hoping his cold hand is helping. It seems to be working as her cries turn to sniffles and she looks less red in the face.</p>
<p>“Should we get you some water?” Bucky asks her softly. “Steve said fluids are important, do you want to see if you want a drink?” he asks, already lifting her up carefully and heading for the kitchen.</p>
<p>He manages to get some water into her yellow sippy cup while still holding her and then heads back to the couch, where he holds it for her and waits to see if she wants any.</p>
<p>She eventually holds one handle with her little hand and sticks the thing in her mouth and takes some tiny sips.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles widely. “There you go.”</p>
<p>She doesn’t drink a lot, dribbling some back out over her chin, but Bucky figures some is better than none, and he puts the cup down on the coffee table when she seems done, gently drying her face with his hand, letting her fall asleep in his arms, using his metal hand to help cool her a little again, singing softly as she drifts off.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Steve wakes up it’s just after eight in the morning and as his eyes focus on the clock, he instantly snaps awake, practically running to go and check on James, only to find she isn’t there.</p>
<p>He can’t help panicking for a second, before he realises that Bucky must have her. Bucky was so helpful all night, but he didn’t expect he’d go in to check on her, let alone pick her up and take her somewhere. The bathroom is empty and he pokes his head into Bucky’s room to find that empty too and then heads downstairs.</p>
<p>The sight on the couch is almost more than he can take.</p>
<p>Bucky’s sitting there, James on his lap, and the TV is on quietly while they seem to be watching cartoons together. Bucky has his metal hand on her cheek and she’s sucking on his thumb. There’s her medicine bottle and a spoon on the coffee table, along with her sippy cup, and Alpine is curled up on the back of the couch next to Bucky’s head.</p>
<p>“Buck?” Steve utters in wonder as Bucky looks over.</p>
<p>“Hey, Stevie, did you get some sleep?” he asks with a soft smile, and it might be the first time he hasn’t instantly apologised for looking after James.</p>
<p>“What did you…?” Steve steps forward, still a little stunned.</p>
<p>“She woke up again, so I brought her down here. You just seemed so tired, I figured I could help out,” Bucky explains. “She had more medicine an hour ago and she drank a little less than an inch of water over the last few hours.”</p>
<p>Steve might cry. “Buck…” he utters, voice a little choked with emotion.</p>
<p>Bucky gives him an understanding smile. “Here,” he pats the couch next to him. “Come sit with us. We’re watching this thing about a family of peas.”</p>
<p>Steve doesn’t know what to say, so he does as he’s told, coming over to sit next to Bucky, Bucky draping a little of his blanket over Steve’s legs. He smiles at James and reaches out to press his hand to her forehead.</p>
<p>“Her temperature’s down,” Steve discovers happily.</p>
<p>“Yeah, the medicine seems to be working,” Bucky nods. “You want to hold her?” he offers.</p>
<p>James looks so comfy and happy where she is that Steve shakes his head. “Nah, she’s happy there.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks down at James and smiles softly. “Yeah,” he hums.</p>
<p>They watch the cartoon about the peas for a while in contented silence, Steve still revelling in the fact that Bucky helped so much, just so he could sleep. It’s the sweetest thing anyone’s done for him in a long time.</p>
<p>“Hey, Stevie?” Bucky utters after a little while.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Steve hums back, eyes still on the weirdly entrancing peas.</p>
<p>“We’re okay, right?” Bucky replies, voice a little hesitant.</p>
<p>Steve instantly thinks back to that kiss Bucky gave him. He hasn’t had time to really process it, what with James being sick, and if he’s honest, he doesn’t really want to. It was awful. For the briefest of moments Steve thought maybe…maybe everything he’s ever wanted was coming true.</p>
<p>But it was just a joke. Bucky’s been getting back to himself a lot more lately, teasing Steve and joking with him, and it’s just the kind of thing he would have done before. So Steve should be happy that Bucky’s becoming less shy and discovering that fun and more boisterous part of himself. Only it hurts. He can’t help it. But he’s not going to make Bucky feel bad about it.</p>
<p>“Course we are,” he says lightly, with a little grin, focus on the TV still.</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Cool,” he finally states.</p>
<p><em>Cool</em>, Steve thinks. Everything’s super cool.</p>
<p>They stay watching cartoons for a while longer, before Steve’s stomach starts protesting and he starts to get up from the couch. “Hey, what do you want for breakfast?” he asks Bucky. It’s the least he can do for him.</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs. “I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>Steve ponders on what they have in the fridge. “How about a big omelette with everything on it?” he offers.</p>
<p>“Sounds good,” Bucky replies with a smile, before looking down at James again, where she seems to be falling asleep in his lap.</p>
<p>“C’mon Alp, I’ll get your food too,” Steve offers the cat, who’s already attuned to the word <em>food</em>, as she hops down from the back of the couch to follow him to the kitchen. He hears Bucky thanking him as he goes.</p>
<p>Steve feels like he has a million emotions running through him as he goes into the kitchen. It’s mainly just overwhelming happiness though. He can’t get the image of Bucky with James on his lap out of his head. It makes him smile to himself as he pours out Alpine’s food.</p>
<p>And then his smile falls as he looks out the window.</p>
<p>There’s a layer of snow over everything again. He never thought he’d hate snow, but now he really does. He closes the blinds with a sigh, before heading back to the living room.</p>
<p>“Hey, Buck,” he says gently. “Just so you know, it snowed again, so let’s leave the blinds closed, yeah?” He doesn’t want Bucky to feel weird about it, like he’s being babied, but he also doesn’t want Bucky to see the snow out a window and panic.</p>
<p>Bucky glances over at him. “Oh, yeah, I know,” he replies, almost nonchalant. “It was doing it last night when I was on my way home.”</p>
<p>Steve takes a moment to take that in. “Y-you drove home while it was snowing?”</p>
<p>Bucky nods, a little unease on his face for a moment like he’s remembering it. “Yeah,” he says simply. “I had to. James needed her medicine. I just drove a bit slower and breathed through it,” he explains. “Oh, your car needs to be moved to the garage,” he adds, with an apologetic look. “Kinda just left it at the end of the drive.”</p>
<p>“No problem,” Steve utters, still a little stunned. Then he shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re amazing,” he states, staring at Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs like he finds that funny. “Yeah, I know,” he teases softly.</p>
<p>“I mean it,” Steve replies, glad he can joke about it, but wanting Bucky to really know how amazing he is. “Everything you did last night…it was above and beyond, Buck, and I really appreciate it. Really, thank you.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks a little shy at all the praise. “I mean, I…” He seems a little lost for words. “I want you to know you can rely on me,” he finally states. “I’ve always got your back, Stevie,” he says with a sweet smile.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help the adoring smile on his own face. “I know you do.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks down at James again, who seems to have fully drifted off. “Hey, sleepy baby,” he whispers. “Do you want me to go put her to bed?” he offers, looking back over at Steve. “I know it’s not her normal sleep time, but she didn’t really sleep last night.”</p>
<p>“T-that would be great,” Steve says, a little flummoxed by how easily Bucky offers.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky replies, as he very carefully gets up from the couch, lifting James up like she’s the most delicate thing in the world. He clearly sees Steve staring as he stands. “Omelette, Steve,” he reminds him as he makes his way to the stairs.</p>
<p>“Right,” Steve startles a little. “I’m on it,” he promises, heading for the kitchen again. He’s going to make the best omelette in the history of time.</p>
<p>Bucky deserves it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah, so that was mean of me.</p>
<p>Also I hope you enjoyed Bucky's metal hand use, those who wanted that earlier on! 😁</p>
<p>I hope you all have had a happy holidays and that the new year goes well 💜</p>
<p>Up next...Bucky tells Steve something...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. this is me trying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A confession, another first, and a funeral.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve’s new year is turning out incredible, all things considered.</p>
<p>James was fully back to her normal, healthy and happy self a couple of days later, and the snow melted again and hasn’t come back, so Bucky’s been delighting in using his greenhouse, and Steve’s even managed to stop thinking about the joke kiss and let it go.</p>
<p>But the best, and most remarkable thing is how Bucky’s relationship with James has changed. It’s like Nat said all along—that maybe it would just take time. And just as Bucky said—that he wanted to help in whatever way he could, but he’d have to take it a day at a time. And he really meant it, because Bucky has been helping out more and more with James, taking some of the strain away from Steve and giving him a break, the way Sam and Nat do. Except with Bucky living here, it means he gets a little break every day now. Like if James needs her bottle, Bucky will sometimes heat it up. Or sometimes when she cries and Steve’s busy with something, Bucky will offer to check on her, instead of Steve having to every time.</p>
<p>It’s incredibly kind of Bucky and even as it gets more normal every day, Steve still finds himself moved every time Bucky helps with James. And he knows and reminds himself, that it’s not because Bucky considers himself to be her father, because Steve knows that’s not the case, but somehow it’s even sweeter, because he wants to help because it helps Steve. And as the days go by, Steve realises it’s also because Bucky truly has come to care for James. Steve can see that he likes looking after her and having one-sided conversations with her about anything from Alpine to her latest toy to the latest thing he’s planted in the garden.</p>
<p>And then there are the cuddles.</p>
<p>After Steve wanted for so long for Bucky to hold her, he now does so of his own free will and instinct. He’s started to notice if she’s making a face like she’s about to cry and will pick her up to try and stop it when Steve has his hands full with something. He’ll hold her close to comfort her, always so careful with his left hand, and Steve’s starting to think that Bucky really enjoys baby cuddles now.</p>
<p>All in all, it’s pretty life changing, and January is pretty much one of the best months Steve can remember.</p>
<p>So, of course, something has to ruin it.</p>
<p>It’s a bit of a different day for them to start with. It’s time for Alpine to be spayed and Bucky has to drop her at the vet and leave her there for a few hours before he can pick her up. So the day starts off with anxiety and worry and Bucky smothering Alpine with cuddles and worrying to Steve about if something goes wrong.</p>
<p>Steve does his best to soothe him, promising it will be fine, and checking if Bucky’s sure that he wants to go by himself, because Bucky suggested he drive by himself to drop her off, so Steve didn’t have to bother getting James ready to go out, just for a short drive.</p>
<p>Bucky’s sure though, and at least by the time he’s in the car with Alpine in her carrier, he seems a little calmer.</p>
<p>Steve truly prays it will be okay, because he doesn’t know what he’d do if something happened to Alpine. He knows Bucky would be devastated. But it’s such a routine operation, Steve’s sure it’ll be fine. And he’s ordered pizza for lunch and got a fun movie picked out, so he figures they can relax on the couch and play with James, to try and keep Bucky’s mind off it until they hear from the vet.</p>
<p>He’s making some hot chocolate for his help Bucky stay calm plan when he hears Bucky returning and calls out that he’s in the kitchen.</p>
<p>Bucky appears a few moments later, having removed his coat and boots.</p>
<p>“How’d it go?” he asks, trying to be upbeat but also be there for Bucky if he is more worried now.</p>
<p>“It was okay,” Bucky sighs a little as he slides onto his bar stool. “I mean, actually, it was kind of…no, nevermind…” he murmurs, looking a little stuck in his own head.</p>
<p>Steve turns to him, confused. “Kind of what?” he pushes.</p>
<p>Bucky sighs again. “I mean, dropping Alpine off was fine, Bobbi said they’d call when I can go get her, but there was this thing…” He trails off again.</p>
<p>Steve places the finished hot chocolate in front of Bucky. “What thing?”</p>
<p>Bucky looks up, wrapping his hand round the warm mug. “Thanks.” He takes a minute, looking like he’s gathering his thoughts before he speaks again. “Well, the, um, the vet assistant?” he starts, looking up at Steve. “He kinda gave me his number.”</p>
<p>Steve feels himself freeze up. <em>The vet assistant?</em> He’d been worried about the receptionist, but now the vet assistant wanted Bucky too? <em>What sort of place are they running there</em>, he scoffs to himself. And then he realises one important word that he almost missed. He swallows. “Wait…he?” he questions, looking at Bucky in surprise.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Kai,” Bucky utters, hand still gripping the mug.</p>
<p>Steve’s still not really getting the worried look on Bucky’s face, but then wonders if maybe Bucky’s a little troubled about being hit on by a man. “Hey, remember, it’s okay now. I mean, obviously he got the wrong guy, but you don’t need to be upset about a guy hitting on you. I mean, you’re very attractive, I’m sure lots of guys…” Oh god, he needs to stop, he’s rambling, Steve realises, letting his words fade away.</p>
<p>“What if he didn’t?” Bucky utters, raising his head to look at Steve, complete vulnerability and dread on his face.</p>
<p>“Huh?” Steve scrunches his face up, confused again.</p>
<p>“Get the wrong guy?” Bucky all but whispers, looking at his mug now. His eyes look a little glassy.</p>
<p>It takes Steve a minute. A minute of utter confusion and then realisation and then panic and a stupid bit of hope and then back to confusion. “You mean…?” He’s not sure how to say it.</p>
<p>Bucky keeps looking down. “I…I think I like guys…men,” he stutters over his words. “In an attraction sort of way…like instead of women…” He says the words so softly and then glances up, like he needs to see Steve’s reaction, even though at the same time he seems very afraid of it.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Steve utters stupidly.</p>
<p>Bucky lowers his head again. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, as Steve manages to pull himself together and stop being an idiot.</p>
<p>“No, no, Buck, no,” he protests, trying to rectify the situation, even as he tries to process this revelation. “It’s okay. That wasn’t a bad ‘oh’. I’m just surprised, is all.”</p>
<p>Bucky chances a look at him again. “Really?”</p>
<p>Steve doesn’t know what to do. He moves around the island so he’s next to Bucky. “It’s okay. If that’s how you feel, if that’s who you are…” He squeezes Bucky’s shoulder, hopefully reassuringly.</p>
<p>Bucky still looks concerned. “You mean it?”</p>
<p>Steve pulls Bucky into a hug that Bucky first stiffens and then melts into. “Of course I do.” He pulls back, feeling stupid. “I guess now’s a good time to tell you I like men too,” he admits, feeling a little sheepish.</p>
<p>Bucky’s eyes bug out of his head. “Y-you do?”</p>
<p>Steve shrugs, trying to act casual. It’s not that he ever meant to keep it from Bucky, but honestly when he says he’s attracted to men, what he really means is <em>Bucky</em> and no one else, so he figured there was no need to ever mention it. It’s not like he was ever going to be bringing guys home with him. There’s only one guy for him. “I mean, I like men and women, you know? More about the person than the packaging, I guess for me?” Steve offers as an explanation. He doesn’t explain that that person is Bucky—the only person who’s ever truly made Steve’s heart race, whose beauty and soul make both the person and the packaging the most appealing thing in the world for him.</p>
<p>Bucky seems to digest that. “That-that makes sense,” he states, some of worry leaving his face.</p>
<p>“I should have told you,” Steve continues, feeling terrible about it now. “It just…it never, um, came up?”</p>
<p>Bucky takes a breath. “Wow,” he utters.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Steve replies, before feeling a little self-conscious and heading back round the island to get his own hot chocolate. Then he realises something. “So, this, um, Kai?” he asks, his heart pounding, as he tries to sound casual. “Are you going to call him? Is that why…?” he trails off.</p>
<p>Bucky shakes his head. “No, I…I sort of figured it out a while ago and I wanted to tell you, but I just…didn’t?” Bucky shrugs. “I guess I was just a little stunned that someone wanted to give me their number, I kind of…I wanted to talk about it…”</p>
<p>“You can talk to me about anything,” Steve reminds him. “You know that.” He wants Bucky to remember that. Even if that means that he ends up hearing about Bucky’s dates and it kills him inside, because the one thing he’ll never let himself lose again is Bucky as his best friend. “And of course someone would want to date you, what are you talking about?” he huffs in disbelief.</p>
<p>Bucky pulls a disbelieving face back and then takes a sip of his drink, seeming a little more relaxed now. “You’re kidding,” he huffs. “I don’t think there’s a market out there for men who want guys with metal arms.”</p>
<p>Steve feels desperately sad as Bucky says that. “Of course there is,” he argues vehemently. “The right person…they aren’t going to care about any of that.”</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t look convinced. “Sure,” he hums, sipping his drink again.</p>
<p>“I mean it, Buck,” Steve continues, because even if the idea of Bucky with someone else kills him, it kills him more to see Bucky thinking that he wouldn’t be wanted by someone. That someone would be the luckiest guy in the entire world to have Bucky love him back. “The right guy for you will see your heart and he won’t care about anything else,” Steve promises him. He leaves out how beautiful Bucky is and how he doesn’t think Bucky’s arm is off-putting at all anyway, because that might take him too close to how he feels about Bucky for Bucky to not notice.</p>
<p>Bucky gets a sweet, if still doubtful look on his face, and then the doorbell rings, interrupting them.</p>
<p>“Oh, that’s the pizza,” Steve realises, sort of grateful for the breather. “I’ll be right back.”</p>
<p>He heads for the front door, pays for the pizza, and then closes the door, emotions running wild as he tries to keep himself together.</p>
<p>And then he realises.</p>
<p>Bucky’s gay.</p>
<p>The barrier Steve thought was there all these years isn’t there. But it turns out that gender wasn’t the problem.</p>
<p>The truth is that Bucky just doesn’t want Steve like that. Steve knows Bucky loves him as a best friend, but he’s never made a move, joke kiss aside, and that must mean that he just doesn’t see Steve that way. It’s not the fact that he’s not a girl, like Steve always sort of comforted himself with. It’s Steve that’s the problem. He’s just not someone Bucky likes in that way.</p>
<p>His stomach sinks as he leans against the door and lets that soak in, his heart breaking again over a man that he knows will never be his, one that he’s pined for forever, fruitlessly and painfully.</p>
<p>He allows himself a minute to let the hurt in.</p>
<p>Then he pulls himself back together, forces himself to push away from the door, pastes a smile onto his face and takes the pizza to the kitchen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nothing really changes.</p>
<p>Bucky had thought it would have after his confession, but things stay the same. Well, mostly. He’s still sort of reeling from the fact that Steve also likes men in that sort of way. He’s also starting to realise that he’s been lying to himself. Probably for a very long time, and not just about the fact that he’s gay. He’s been lying to himself, because he doesn’t just find Steve attractive because he’s an attractive guy. The New Year’s kiss wasn’t just an accident, caught up in the moment. He doesn’t just like sleeping in the same bed as Steve because he’s warm and cosy.</p>
<p>He likes Steve. He likes his best friend in more than just a best friend kind of way and that’s…</p>
<p>Okay, so maybe everything has changed.</p>
<p>But Bucky doesn’t know how to deal with this. Doesn’t think he wants to, not really, not yet at least. When he thinks about it, he feels guilty. When he imagines Steve’s lips against his again…he has to force himself to think of something else.</p>
<p>So he keeps himself busy. Busyness is key to keeping his mind away from those thoughts.</p>
<p>So he gardens and sees Aggie and plays with Alpine, who’s recovered perfectly after her vet trip, and he helps with James and does lots of cleaning. He reorganises his closet. Then he organises all of James’ clothes. Then her toys. Then he organises Alpine’s toys and then the kitchen cupboards. He’s pretty sure the house has never been this tidy and it wasn’t a mess to begin with.</p>
<p>Steve notices, but just thanks him for it. Apparently he doesn’t see it as weird behaviour. And while Bucky does all that, Steve’s been working on his cooking, delighting in sharing new dishes with Bucky and creating new mushy food delights for James, and smiling that gorgeous smile at Bucky that makes his heart thump in his chest so loudly that he’s sure their neighbours can hear it.</p>
<p>So maybe Bucky would be having a breakdown if he allowed himself to.</p>
<p>But he doesn’t, and so everything’s fine. Alpine is happy and James is happy and Steve is happy and that’s all that really matters.</p>
<p>Or at least Steve <em>was</em> happy.</p>
<p>Bucky’s lying on the living room floor, playing with James’ dinosaurs with her, Alpine watching them from the couch. Steve had been playing too, but he’d gotten a phone call and gone off to the kitchen. And when he returns, Bucky knows from the look on his face that something’s wrong.</p>
<p>Steve sighs as he sits heavily on the couch. He looks so handsome even when his face is all sad…</p>
<p>Bucky blinks and tries to focus. “Everything okay?” he asks, because he hates when Steve looks down like that, instant worry running through him.</p>
<p>“Yeah, or well…no, not really,” Steve seems to change his mind mid-sentence. “One of the guys Sam works with, he passed away.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s face falls. “I’m sorry,” he offers. “Did you know him?” he asks gently.</p>
<p>Steve nods, resting his arms on his thighs, hands clasped in front of him. “Yeah, not well, but...” He shrugs, looking at his own hands. “He used to be part of SHIELD, one of the good guys, so I’d worked with him before too.”</p>
<p>Bucky reaches a hand out and gives Steve’s ankle a little squeeze. “I’m real sorry, Stevie,” he offers as Steve looks down at his hand.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Buck,” Steve says simply, but he looks touched. “The funeral’s in a couple of days and I said I would go, so…”</p>
<p><em>Ah, more alone time</em>, Bucky realises. “Oh, well hey, I’ll be fine, you know that.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Steve says, with a small attempt at a smile. “I think I’ll have to leave James at the compound during the funeral, I’m sure Tony will be able to get someone trustworthy to watch her,” he murmurs, almost talking to himself now.</p>
<p>Bucky frowns a little at that, as James gurgles on the floor in front of him, chewing on her newer dinosaur’s tail. He supposes you can’t really take a baby to a funeral. She might start crying and it would be stressful for Steve to deal with that <em>and</em> trying to say goodbye to his friend.</p>
<p>“She can just stay here with me,” Bucky blurts before thinking it through.</p>
<p>Steve meets his eyes, looking surprised.</p>
<p>“Seriously,” Bucky doubles down before Steve can argue, realising quickly that he really would be fine with that. “That way she won’t have to travel and you can just focus on you and saying goodbye to your friend,” he adds softly. Steve looks so sad and he wants to do anything that will help him feel better. When he thinks about it, there’s really nothing he wouldn’t do if it made Steve happy.</p>
<p>“You…” Steve still looks a little stunned and then like he’s running the idea through his head. “I mean, that would be easier, but…I mean…are you sure?” he babbles. “I wouldn’t be gone the whole day…”</p>
<p>“I can do it, Stevie,” Bucky promises, trying to show that he really means it. “I know her schedule and I know what she eats and okay, you’ll have to give me a diaper changing lesson…” he realises, because while he helps a lot, he hasn’t had to do that before.</p>
<p>Steve’s suddenly in motion, moving from the couch to drop to his knees on the floor, wrapping Bucky up in a big hug, making Bucky let out a surprised squeak.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Buck,” he murmurs, as Bucky registers how nice he smells and accidently rubs his cheek against Steve’s shoulder. His sweater is really soft. “That…really, it would be such a help, I…”</p>
<p>“I’m happy to, Stevie, really,” Bucky promises, trying not to relish the way Steve’s firm chest is pressed against his own.</p>
<p>Steve pulls back, a small smile on his face. “You say that now…but you haven’t had the diaper lesson yet…” he teases.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs in amusement and shrugs. He’s glad he can help Steve this way and even more glad that Steve trusts him enough to let him. And yeah, diapers are probably gross, but he figures he can handle it. How bad could it really be?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re sure you’ll be okay?” Steve checks once more.</p>
<p>It’s the day of the funeral and he’s all ready to go, but he can’t help double checking, even though he knows Bucky can do this, even if he did maybe underestimate how gross diaper changes are. Seeing Bucky’s face scrunch up in disgust when they’d practised had been pretty funny though, Steve has to admit. His nose is so cute scrunched up too.</p>
<p>Bucky is very kind in that he doesn’t roll his eyes at Steve or sigh. He just nods. “I promise. I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure,” he reminds Steve.</p>
<p>In fairness, there had been a point when he wasn’t sure, when Bucky suddenly got worried about if he shut down, if something triggered him, and how it wouldn’t be safe for James if that happened. Steve had to admit to himself that it was probably a worthwhile thing to consider. He’s not scared that Bucky would ever hurt James, but if he did shut down without anyone there to help bring him back, it could still be dangerous. But Steve didn’t want him to live with that fear. He wants Bucky to be able to do whatever he wants to. He doesn’t want Bucky’s trauma stopping him living his life. Plus, he figured anything could really happen to anyone at any time. A single parent could trip and fall and knock themselves out and it would be the same situation. But he still tried to think of a way to make Bucky feel more secure. So with a quick call to Tony, Bucky now has a watch that is connected to JARVIS and monitors him, and if his vitals change dramatically, JARVIS will inform Steve and Tony immediately. Steve will be able to talk to Bucky through the watch while they call for help and race over there.</p>
<p>Steve’s sure they won’t need it. But he saw the relief in Bucky’s face and how it gave him more confidence to do this. So he’s glad Bucky has that reassurance.</p>
<p>“I know,” Steve relents, knowing he’s being a pain in the ass. “It’s just…thanks,” he settles on.</p>
<p>He has James in his arms and Bucky nods as Steve gives James one last cuddle as she gurgles against his neck, feeling all sorts of emotional at the thought that this is the first time he’ll be away from her, even if it is only for less than a day.</p>
<p>Bucky waits patiently until Steve finally forces himself to hand her over, Bucky carefully taking her, having perfected the holding the baby on your hip method. “Have a good time,” Bucky tells him, giving him a one-armed hug. “Or I mean, not good, just…don’t worry about us,” he amends, sounding a little flustered.</p>
<p>Steve hugs them tight. “I’ll be back really soon.” He pulls back. “I, um, can I—”</p>
<p>“You can call us whenever you want, it’s okay. I know this is a big thing,” Bucky tells him kindly and understandingly.</p>
<p>Steve nods. It’s not at all that he doesn’t trust Bucky with James, he just knows he’ll want to check in anyway and hear Bucky’s voice and he’s glad that Bucky understands that it’s a pretty big deal for him to be away from James regardless. “Thanks, Buck,” he smiles softly at him.</p>
<p>Steve picks up the garment bag that’s lying over the back of the couch that contains his suit that he’ll change into when he arrives and the small bag near the door that has a few essentials like water and snacks for the drive.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he says, mostly to himself, trying to gear himself up to leave. “I’ll be home tonight, but don’t wait for me for dinner or anything,” he babbles a little. “And you’ve got my cell and Nat’s and Sam’s and Tony’s, so you can call any of us if you need to and you’ve got James’ doctor’s number and—”</p>
<p>“Stevie,” Bucky cuts him off with a soft smile on his face.</p>
<p>“I know,” Steve deflates a little. He’s being a crazy person. He takes a breath and pulls himself together. “Okay, have a great time.”</p>
<p>“We will,” Bucky promises. “Say bye,” he tells James as Steve opens the front door, forcing himself to leave.</p>
<p>Steve steps out and looks back and waves at them both, trying to paste a smile onto his face. “Bye guys,” he says, trying to keep his tone bright.</p>
<p>“Byyee.”</p>
<p>Steve freezes as he hears the word come out of his daughter’s mouth while Bucky looks at her, a grin appearing on his face.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, did you hear that?” Steve gushes in amazement and disbelief, rushing back inside to them, basically dropping his bags to the floor. “Did you say bye?” he asks James in awe.</p>
<p>“She did,” Bucky confirms, looking a little awed too.</p>
<p>“Bye,” Steve tries, head right near hers at eye level.</p>
<p>James waves her hand and hits his cheek. “Byyee.”</p>
<p>“Oh my god.” Steve wants to cry.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs in amusement, a smile on his face. “Did you do that today just to get your daddy to stay?” he teases, looking at James as Steve glances at him.</p>
<p>“Boo,” she replies, pressing her little hand into Bucky’s cheek.</p>
<p>“Does that count as a second word already?” Bucky asks, looking amused.</p>
<p>“I think so,” Steve decides, still in complete awe. Boo is technically a word.</p>
<p>“Daba,” James says, focus on Steve now.</p>
<p>“Does that count as a ‘dada’?” Bucky muses, as Steve feels himself getting teary.</p>
<p>He’s just overwhelmed. He crushes them both into another hug. “I-I can’t believe it. She said her first word and I have to go.” It’s the worst timing in the world, because more than anything he wants to stay and try to get her to say those words again and get them on camera and just delight in it, but he can’t be late.</p>
<p>Bucky hums in amusement against his neck. “First three words in fact. Maybe she’ll have a full sentence for you when you get back.”</p>
<p>Steve pulls away, giving Bucky a pouty look, because he can’t help it. “I really have to go now,” he groans, hating this even more now. “Bye, Jaime, you smart little angel,” he murmurs, giving her a kiss on the forehead.</p>
<p>“Byyee.”</p>
<p>“Oh god…” Steve scrunches his face up, as Bucky looks sweetly bemused at him.</p>
<p>“Go on, you don’t want to be late,” he reminds him, waving a hand at the door.</p>
<p>Steve forces himself to go, picking up his bags again, taking one last look at them as he heads down the front steps, wishing more than anything that he didn’t have to leave.</p>
<p>They’re still there in the doorway as he drives away, both of them waving at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve manages to only call them twice before the funeral starts. He calls once while on the road, about halfway through his journey, Bucky figures as he looks at the time, and again when he arrives.</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t mind. He knows leaving James for the first time is a big deal. And he just tells Steve everything is fine.</p>
<p>And it is…mostly.</p>
<p>Okay, so James had a little crying meltdown after Steve left, probably feeling confused because her daddy is always, always there, and maybe Bucky panicked a little wondering what had come over him when he offered to do this, but he took a breath and used all the tricks he’s seen Steve use to try and calm her down.</p>
<p>It was kind of awful, but they worked eventually and Bucky learnt that he has really good patience. Eventually he managed to get the crying to stop and got her happily sitting in her high-chair, eating the puff crackers she likes that she cleverly picks up by herself.</p>
<p>There have been more than a few diaper changes too since then, which Bucky will gladly leave to Steve once he comes home, but he manages them, even though the smell is truly something to behold and not in a good way, and James seems to like crying while he changes her, like she realises the indignity of it all.</p>
<p>So there have been cuddles too and lots of playing to distract her from realising that Steve isn’t here, including the bouncy thing, and letting her stroke Alpine carefully, and a toy that makes animal noises when she presses the animal shaped buttons and her favourite blocks, all the while with her dinosaurs right beside her. And maybe Bucky dressed her in the cute dinosaur print onesie he got her for Christmas too, just because he can, with a cute little cream cardigan over it to keep her warm with matching socks.</p>
<p>So really, it’s been okay. Tiring and sometimes noisy and often smelly, but Bucky finds he doesn’t mind so much. He likes being able to help Steve like this and he’s pretty proud of himself for being able to, and he realises he really has come to care for James. She’s a real sweetie-pie when she’s not crying. And of course she’s very helpful at keeping his mind from other things that he’s trying to pretend he hasn’t realised. Honestly, he’s not sure when any parent has time for thinking if this is what parenting is like.</p>
<p>He’s just finished giving James her last bottle before he’ll take her upstairs to tuck her in for the night when Steve calls again, his stupid heart perking up as he sees his name on his phone.</p>
<p>Bucky puts the bottle down on the coffee table and answers from the couch where he’s got James in his lap. “Hey, Stevie.”</p>
<p>“Hey, how’s it going?” Steve’s voice comes down the phone. He sounds a little tired out, and maybe a little emotionally spent, which makes sense, Bucky figures.</p>
<p>“We’re good, was the funeral okay?” Bucky replies gently, while James looks up at him curiously, so he pulls an over the top grin back at her and she lets out a giggle.</p>
<p>“It was fine. Sad,” Steve replies briefly. “Was that Jaime?”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah. Here.” Bucky fiddles with his phone for a second before changing it to a video call, because he figured out how to do that earlier and figured Steve might like it if he could see James while away from her.</p>
<p>Steve appears on screen, looking curious and tired out.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Bucky smiles at him, his heart doing a weird little pitter-patter thing in his chest at the sight of his best friend’s face. “Wow, you look nice,” he notices, seeing the suit jacket Steve’s wearing.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Steve utters, looking down at himself, and then he holds the camera away so Bucky can see a little more of the suit. “You think?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I mean, I guess it doesn’t really matter if you look good at a funeral, but I mean…you do,” he bathers a little.</p>
<p>Steve holds the phone closer again. “Thanks,” he replies, with a little tired half smile.</p>
<p>Bucky stares at the sweet look on his face for a little longer than he realises. “Oh,” he suddenly remembers he put them on video chat for a reason. “Here.” He moves the phone so Steve can see James in his lap, instead of probably just the top of her head. “One baby, just like you left her,” he jokes.</p>
<p>“Hey, sweetie,” Steve’s voice instantly takes on a softer, adoring tone. “Are you having fun? Did you just have your dinner?”</p>
<p>“She did,” Bucky confirms.</p>
<p>“You did her hair?” Steve asks, a bemused look on his face.</p>
<p>“Huh?” Bucky’s confused for a second before he looks at James. “Oh, yeah, well…” He shrugs. So maybe he did comb her hair gently and put in some flower clips he found on her dresser. It’s cute and keeps her wispy hairs out of her face, which is a problem Bucky knows all about.</p>
<p>“What else have you guys been doing?”</p>
<p>Bucky shifts James a little in his lap, while she reaches up to grab a fistful of his hair. “We’ve been playing, learning animal noises, haven’t we?” he says to James, jiggling his leg a little so she giggles again.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah?” Steve says as Bucky looks back at the phone to see him looking bemused again.</p>
<p>“Yep,” Bucky confirms.</p>
<p>“So no problems then?” Steve asks, like he can’t help himself.</p>
<p>“Nope,” Bucky shakes his head, only lying a little bit. “I mean, I think she misses you, but I’ve been keeping her distracted.” Bucky leaves out how much he misses him too.</p>
<p>As if James knows what they’re talking about, she suddenly looks at the screen and reaches a hand out at it. “Daba,” she whines.</p>
<p>The look on Steve’s face is priceless. “Oh, baby girl, I’ll be home soon, I promise,” Steve coos, looking sad and amazed all at once. “I’m gonna be heading back soon, just need to say goodbye to everyone,” he explains to Bucky, without the cooing voice now.</p>
<p>“No problem, we’ll be here,” Bucky confirms. “Well, this one will be in bed, but…” He shrugs. He’ll be there, waiting.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Buck. I better go.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods, not wanting to keep him. “Okay, drive safe.”</p>
<p>“I will,” Steve promises. “Goodnight, sweetheart,” he coos again.</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t let himself pretend that Steve’s saying that to him. He waves at the screen, trying to get James to do it too, but she ignores him. Bucky sighs as Steve huffs in amusement. “See you soon,” Bucky grins in defeat.</p>
<p>Steve nods and hangs up and Bucky looks down at James again. “Aren’t you lucky to have a daddy like Steve,” he murmurs at her. It really warms Bucky’s heart to see how much Steve loves her, how he knows he’d do literally anything for her. It’s how it’s supposed to be.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles to himself and then pulls himself away from his thoughts. “Sooo…bedtime story?” he offers.</p>
<p>James just stares blankly back up at him.</p>
<p>“I know,” Bucky continues. “I think it’s a great idea too,” he states as he gets up, lifting her with him.</p>
<p>He goes through all the steps of her bedtime routine carefully, probably taking twice as long as Steve does, finally sitting next to the crib on the green block, so he can read to her and she can drift off. Which she does after five pages of T<em>he Tiger Who Came to Tea</em>.</p>
<p>Bucky then takes the baby monitor with him as he potters around downstairs, giving Alpine some attention that he hasn’t been able to really give her today and feeding her, before he gets started on his own dinner, because he didn’t want to be distracted from James before, including making some for Steve that he can heat up later.</p>
<p>He watches a little TV with Alpine on the couch next to him, always with a watchful eye and ear on the baby monitor, before he gets a little bored and decides to head to bed to read and be nearer to James if she needs him. He makes sure everything is locked up downstairs and heads up to check on James, who’s still sleeping soundly.</p>
<p>Somehow, instead of going to his room, he ends up sitting in the green chair, reading the rest of her book to himself so he can find out what happens.</p>
<p>He doesn’t realise he’s drifted off until there’s a soft touch to his face and he blinks his eyes awake to find Steve crouched down next to him, hand stroking his hair back, before it moves away as their eyes meet.</p>
<p>“Hey, Buck,” Steve smiles at him tenderly, whispering.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Bucky yawns a little and stretches, as he realises he fell asleep in the chair in James’ room. “You’re back,” he states softly, before realising that’s clearly obvious.</p>
<p>“Yep,” Steve confirms anyway.</p>
<p>“You doing okay?” Bucky checks as he wakes up a little more, searching Steve’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Steve nods, looking a little sad. “I mean, it wasn’t fun, but…” He shrugs.</p>
<p>Bucky understands and reaches out to give Steve’s hand a little squeeze. “Oh hey, I left some dinner for you, it just needs heating up.” He starts getting up out of the chair. “I can go do that for you—”</p>
<p>“It’s fine, I got it,” Steve replies as he stands up from his crouch with Bucky. “Thanks for doing that,” he adds, a touched look on his face. “You should go to bed,” Steve tells him as they make their way quietly out of James’ room. “I’ll go eat and then come up.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods along, feeling a little weary if he’s honest. “Yeah, okay, sounds good.” He yawns again.</p>
<p>Steve huffs out a little laugh. “Jaime wore you out, huh?”</p>
<p>Bucky nods. “You’re a superhero,” he says absentmindedly.</p>
<p>“I retired, remember?” Steve jokes back, looking amused.</p>
<p>Bucky fixes him with an unimpressed look. “You know what I mean,” he huffs, giving Steve’s shoulder a little shove. “Go eat and then come tell me about your day,” he orders, already heading for Steve’s room, going in that direction all too natural for him now.</p>
<p>“I will,” Steve promises, before Bucky turns back before he can stop himself.</p>
<p>“Oh hey,” he states, before pulling Steve into a hug, because he really can’t help himself. “Missed you.”</p>
<p>Steve huffs and sags into the hug, squeezing back tightly, making Bucky melt. “I missed you too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ya'll...I think there are only four chapters left 😮 I'm freaking out about it. Most chapters are pretty long at least. I really hope you liked this one. </p>
<p>Up next...Bucky's birthday.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. to live for the hope of it all</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky's birthday.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve wakes to an empty bed and the realisation that it’s after eight in the morning. Which doesn’t seem late but is late for him and anyone with a baby.</p><p>A quick check and he finds that James’ room is empty too. But he doesn’t worry like he did before. He pads downstairs to the kitchen to confirm his suspicions.</p><p>And there he finds his baby girl, holding her own bottle, essentially feeding herself breakfast, while Bucky mashes up what looks like pears across the counter from her.</p><p>“Hey, Stevie,” Bucky beams over at him as he enters the room.</p><p>Steve’s heart thuds a little louder at having the force of that beautiful smile aimed at him. “Hey,” he replies, the image in front of him still a little too uncommon for him to be used to it, so he can’t help but stare a little.</p><p>James drops her bottle on her tray, kicking her little feet out.</p><p>“Morning, cutie-pie,” he coos at her, parent mode kicking in. “Did Bucky get you breakfast?” he hums, going over to squeeze her toes which are in cute little pale green socks. There’s another clip in her hair, also green with a daisy on the end that Steve vaguely remembers Wanda buying her as part of a gift set, and she’s wearing green leggings and a cute yellow dungaree dress over them. He’s starting to think that Bucky might just like dressing James up and he’s clearly much better at making things look good together than Steve is.</p><p>“We’re having pears,” Bucky answers, pushing a bowl out towards Steve. “Yours aren’t smushed though,” he grins.</p><p>Steve looks at the bowl to find Bucky’s chopped up some pears with yoghurt, and the whole thing somehow leaves Steve still feeling a little stunned. Bucky’s been happy lately, sure, but this…this carefree and cheerful Bucky that’s appeared today is amazing. It takes Steve back to Brooklyn when Bucky was always like this, always the bright spark in his life, and somehow it makes his whole body feel warm down to his toes.</p><p>“You want to do the honours?” Bucky offers up the mashed pears and one of James’ plastic spoons.</p><p>Steve takes it from him, nodding. He’d be thrilled to leave Bucky to it, but honestly, he’s a big sap and he missed his little girl yesterday, more than he really even thought he would. “Thanks, Buck,” he states, trying to imbue the words with as much feeling as he can so Bucky knows he really means it.</p><p>Bucky smiles back like he understands that Steve doesn’t mean thanks just for the pears.</p><p>Steve meets his eyes for a moment and then moves over to the side of the counter so he can feed James, who looks delighted as she gets her first mouthful of pear.</p><p>“Oh hey, I forgot to show you this,” Bucky mentions as he eats his own mouthful of pear and pulls his phone out. “I was going to send it, but I didn’t want to distract you yesterday.”</p><p>He leans on the counter next to Steve, close enough that Steve can feel his body heat, loading a video that Steve glances at as James takes another bite.</p><p>It’s of James, sitting on the couch, propped up by cushions and holding one of her dinosaurs upside down, Bucky obviously sitting next to her filming.</p><p>“Okay, don’t let me down again,” video Bucky says to James. “Can you say Bucky?” he asks her. “Bucky?” he repeats when she doesn’t say anything.</p><p>She waves the dinosaur up and down a few times as Bucky repeats himself and then suddenly she opens her mouth. “Booey,” she smiles.</p><p>Steve’s heart leaps as he hears it and he feels like he might just explode.</p><p>Video Bucky makes a triumphant noise and then Bucky stops the video and puts the phone away, turning to Steve. “I’m Booey now,” he tells him with a conspiratorial smile.</p><p>Steve just stares at him stunned, before James makes a noise of complaint, trying to get to the spoon that’s now hovering too far away from her. Steve startles a little and resumes feeding her, before staring at Bucky again.</p><p>“You’re amazing,” he utters in disbelief.</p><p>Bucky waves his hand, cheeks going a little pink. “Yeah, yeah,” he huffs. “I mean, that was all her, and it took about eight videos to get her to say it after the first time she did, but I know how much you like filming things she does…”</p><p>“Thank you, Buck,” Steve tells him, completely sincere and wanting Bucky to hear how much he means those simple words again. He feeds James another bite, before looking at Bucky again. “I just…I know we had that talk and you said you wanted to help, but this is…” He feels a little teary and gets a little choked up, because he never thought he’d have support like this. “You’ve been amazing, helping me with her and I just—”</p><p>“You’re raising a great kid, Stevie,” Bucky interrupts him, a sincere look on his face. “And I like helping and you know…” He shrugs, looking like he’s searching for the words. “I think what we’ve got going here is pretty great,” he finally states.</p><p>Steve nods along, thrilled. He spent so long wanting Bucky to be something he couldn’t, but now he can see how much he cares for James and it’s even better than Steve could have hoped, because it’s not because he feels like he has to or just because of biology. Bucky has chosen to care for her and that means everything. “I think so too,” he manages.</p><p>“Dada.”</p><p>Steve all but jumps at the word coming from James, pulling his attention from Bucky. “Oh my god, did you say dada?” Steve coos, amazed. He feels like he’s spending all his time amazed lately, by both James <em>and</em> Bucky.</p><p>Bucky hums in amusement. “See, that’s a smart kid you’ve got. She’s already figured out how to say that properly and get your attention.”</p><p>Steve chuckles, taking in the sort of frustrated look on James’ face and realises it’s because he stopped feeding her. He offers up a spoon and gets a happy face in return as she has another mouthful. “I can’t believe this,” he murmurs as he feeds her. “Soon she’ll be walking and then talking all the time and then—”</p><p>“Going away to college?” Bucky offers up.</p><p>Steve turns his head to look at him aghast. “Don’t say that,” he protests. “Oh god, I’m going to be a mess when that happens,” he realises, feeling distraught.</p><p>Bucky grins at him, but it’s a kind look too. “You’ve got plenty of time til then.”</p><p>Steve huffs, turning back to feed James another bite. “I don’t know…time seems to be going by so fast lately.”</p><p>Bucky moves, sliding onto his stool, eating a mouthful of his own breakfast. “Kids going out there on their own is what’s supposed to happen, even if it is sad to think about,” he reminds Steve.</p><p>“I know,” Steve replies, somewhat pouting all the same.</p><p>“Means you would have done your job,” Bucky adds, tone kind. “Plus she’ll always know you’ll always be here for her whenever she needs you.”</p><p>That’s true. It makes Steve feel a tiny bit better about the abstract thought of his baby girl leaving him one day.</p><p>“You’ll be able to help her follow her dreams,” Bucky continues.</p><p>Steve smiles to himself as he feeds James another bite. “I wonder what she’ll want to be,” he muses, looking at James’ happy little face and trying to picture her all grown up and out there making her mark on the world.</p><p>“Do you think about that?” Bucky asks, voice curious. “What you’d want her to be?”</p><p>Steve already knows the answer to that. “Happy,” he states with certainty, brushing back a bit of James’ hair. “I don’t care what she does as long as she’s happy.”</p><p>There’s a little silence and Steve glances over to see Bucky watching them affectionately.</p><p>“Good answer,” Bucky smiles softly. He looks back to his bowl. “And hey, even when James is all grown up and out making her way in the world, you’ll always have me here,” he murmurs, glancing up, eyes looking a little vulnerable as he finishes speaking.</p><p>Steve’s heart swells about three times its size. It feels like the reversal of when Bucky first arrived and said he’d stay ‘for a little while’. Like he wants Steve to know that he’s moved past that idea and that he truly isn’t going anywhere, and the idea of that, that his best friend will always be here from now on fills Steve with happiness and hope for the future, because he just can’t see a world where anything wouldn’t be okay as long as he has Bucky.</p><p>“Thanks, Buck,” he manages to say around the lump in his throat.</p><p>Bucky meets his eyes, staring at Steve with such tenderness that it somehow leaves Steve breathless.</p><p>Then Bucky stands, lifting his bowl, breaking the spell as he puts his bowl in the sink. “I’m gonna go visit Aggie for a bit, I said I’d help her fix a couple of fence posts,” he informs Steve.</p><p>Steve nods, grabbing a cloth to wipe off James’ face. “Okay, have a good time,” he nods along, still picturing the look in Bucky’s eyes.</p><p>Bucky smiles over at him. “I’ll see you guys for lunch,” he grins, giving James a little wave. “Bye, cutie-pie,” he says cheerily as he backs away.</p><p>“Byyee!” James bleats back at him, mirroring his waving after a moment too.</p><p>Bucky waves again, chuckling as he looks at Steve.</p><p>Steve knows it’s because of the amazed look on his face as he stares at James in awe again.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>It really does seem like time is moving too fast lately.</p><p>Steve is checking the expiration dates on food in the fridge, giving it a bit of a clear out, and realises it’s suddenly, somehow, almost March already.</p><p>He can’t quite fathom how that happened.</p><p>Not that there haven’t been lots of things happening to fill his days, speeding them along.</p><p>Like the day he walked into James’ room one morning to find her standing up, holding onto the crib frame, waiting for him.</p><p>Since then, it seems a day doesn’t go by when she isn’t pulling herself up with the help of furniture and sometimes pulling herself along, even figuring out how to bend her legs to sit back down again, most of the time.</p><p>Steve sends the videos to Sam and Nat who reply with delight, which makes Steve feel a little better as he’s been feeling a little guilty for being cautious since Thanksgiving and not inviting them round again.</p><p>Of course, what’s even better is that Bucky shares in his delight now. He’s maybe not as enthusiastic as Steve is, but then probably no one in the universe would be, but he always praises James when she does something clever or new and beams back at Steve when Steve gets all awed and proud.</p><p>Steve appreciates him so much. More than he can really put into words.</p><p>As he throws away some old leftovers that they forgot to eat, he thinks about the month again and then realises…March. March means it’s almost Bucky’s birthday. It also means it’s almost James’ birthday, though later in the month, which, he realises with a little bit of horror, means his little girl is going to be a whole year old.</p><p>That’s a little too much to think about right then. He really thinks he might start crying. That’s sort of funny to think about in itself, because when he thinks about it and thinks back to first finding her, he can’t believe how much he’s changed. Captain America, once held up as the poster boy for all things strong and stoic, now feels close to tears all because his baby is growing up. He decides it’s much better to focus on Bucky’s birthday, seeing as it’s first, so he doesn’t have some sort of breakdown. He can panic a little more about his daughter growing up too fast later on.</p><p>He comes up with an idea pretty quickly for Bucky. He realises that except for shopping, they very rarely go anywhere out together. The zoo was one such rare time and they’d had a really good time, even if Bucky had been a little weird once they got home, Steve figuring he was a little overwhelmed at being outside for so long. But Steve thinks it’s good for Bucky and he enjoyed it, so maybe they should go out again, especially now the days are longer and warmer. But maybe this time without James.</p><p>He decides that it would be nice to take Bucky out for a fancy birthday dinner, something they’ve never done before, and while part of him doesn’t want to leave James at home, if he can get Sam or Nat to babysit, then it wouldn’t be so bad and it might be really nice for it to just be the two of them, with Steve able to really focus and not get interrupted by James needing something.</p><p>So he plans.</p><p>He calls Sam first, who is free and happy to come over that day, barring any sudden disasters, and Steve thinks it’s probably a good idea anyway, because it has been a long time since Thanksgiving and Sam and Bucky should probably clear the air.</p><p>He chooses a nice restaurant not too far from them, based on both the reviews and the fact that the pictures show it to be decorated with many, many plants that make each table seem private somehow, and he thinks Bucky will like that.</p><p>He ponders on what to get Bucky, because he really used all his good present ideas at Christmas, and then thinks of something he’d thought about a while back and so he calls Nat who then suggests going to Tony for his help in getting it.</p><p>Soon, all that he needs to do is actually invite Bucky and tell him about Sam coming over, because while a surprise birthday dinner sounds like a nice plan, he thinks Bucky’s had enough of having no choice in things for a lifetime and Steve wants him to decide if he wants to go in the end.</p><p>He decides to broach the subject as they’re getting ready for bed, Bucky already pulling the covers back. Lately, Bucky’s spent almost every night in Steve’s room instead of his own—a fact that Steve’s very happy about, because for a while Bucky sort of stopped doing that and seemed to want his own space at night. But then he seemed to want company again and now Steve’s being spoiled with the amount of Bucky bedtime cuddling he gets, which he loves, even if it <em>is</em> also a form of torture, to be so close to what he wants so much and to not have it, not completely. But he’s weak and he’ll take anything over nothing any day.</p><p>Bucky’s already finding his bookmarked place in his current novel as Steve pulls on a shirt to sleep in, putting his other shirt in the hamper.</p><p>“Oh hey, before you get sucked into that, I wanted to run something by you,” he comments, because Bucky does get very deep into his books and Steve sort of loves sneaking glances at him when he does, because he looks so enthralled, but he would hate to interrupt him.</p><p>Bucky glances over. “Yeah?” He looks curious and puts the book down on the nightstand again, attention focused on Steve.</p><p>Steve flicks off the overhead light as he walks round to his side of the bed and climbs in, sitting up facing Bucky, getting his legs tucked under the covers. “So, as you know a special day is coming up next week…” he starts, a little gleefully.</p><p>Bucky looks back at him a little blankly and Steve can’t help his face falling.</p><p>“Y-your birthday, Buck,” he explains gently.</p><p>Bucky frowns a little, eyes looking a little sad. “Oh. Right.” He pushes his hair back as he looks down at his lap, looking a little self-conscious. “Sorry,” he states, looking back at Steve. “Sort of haven’t thought about stuff like that in forever.”</p><p>Steve feels desperately sad for him. It’s not even that his own birthdays have been happy occasions since he woke from the ice, not really, but the last couple of years his friends have also made him make an effort and tried to make the day special for him and he wants Bucky to have that too.</p><p>“Well, I was thinking it would be nice if we did something special,” he continues, trying to make the mood lighter again. “I thought it might be nice if we went out to a restaurant for dinner that night, just the two of us. What do you think?”</p><p>Bucky licks his lips, looking like he’s pondering it. “I guess we could do that,” he finally answers. “But what about James?”</p><p>“Well, that’s the thing…I asked Sam if he could babysit her that evening,” Steve explains cautiously. “I know you haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving and you maybe don’t want to, but I thought maybe it would be okay with you?”</p><p>Bucky frowns a little at him. “I don’t mind if Sam comes over.”</p><p>“You don’t?” Steve’s a little surprised if he’s honest, but then quickly realises maybe he’s just been being a bit overprotective of Bucky.</p><p>Bucky huffs a little. “I’m not mad at him. I know he wasn’t trying to upset me that day,” he tells Steve. “And he sent me those books and they were actually kind of helpful and he’s one of your best friends, of course he can come over, whenever you want him to.”</p><p>Steve breaks into a little smile. “Okay,” he breathes out. “Okay, that’s good. That’ll be great then.” He’s so pleased Bucky seems okay with the idea.</p><p>“Was that all you wanted to talk about?” Bucky checks, as Steve sits there, glad that went well.</p><p>“Oh, yeah,” Steve nods. He gestures at Bucky’s book. “You go ahead with that,” he smiles.</p><p>Bucky half smiles back, picking up his book again as Steve settles back against his pillows, facing the foot of the bed instead of Bucky now, feeling content.</p><p>“You didn’t tell me you read those books,” he suddenly realises, looking over at Bucky.</p><p>Bucky closes his book again and rests it on his lap. “Well I did,” he shrugs.</p><p>“And they were useful?” Steve can’t help pushing. He hadn’t seen Bucky with the books Sam sent, so he assumed he wasn’t interested in them.</p><p>Bucky shrugs a little. “Some of it. I mean, it made me feel less alone at least.”</p><p>“You’re not alone,” Steve frowns instantly, a pain in his chest at the idea that Bucky thinks that, protective instincts going wild.</p><p>Bucky rolls his eyes a little as he glances at Steve, which oddly makes Steve a little happy, because it’s a testament to how far he’s come, because when he first arrived, he would have never done that. “I know that,” he sighs. “I just meant…the things that happened, the things I…” He trails off, biting his lip. “There are things I know I’ll never be able to talk about, not even with you, things I don’t want to ever think about,” he admits, a sad look on his face. “But other people have that too…the, um, trauma that they have to deal with and carry with them and maybe it’s not the same as mine, but it’s not just me, you know?”</p><p>Steve nods gently, sort of understanding where he’s coming from. “You know you can though, right?” he can’t help asking. “If there are things you do ever want to talk about, I’m always here.”</p><p>Bucky does a little sad half smile at him. “I know.” He puts his book back on the nightstand as he shifts to face Steve and smiles fondly now. “Makes me the luckiest guy on the planet.”</p><p>A surprised and touched smile comes over Steve’s face and he can’t help slinging his arm round Bucky’s shoulder and pulling him close. “We must be in a joint tie for that title,” he huffs, giving Bucky a squeeze as Bucky rests his head on Steve’s shoulder and huffs a little.</p><p>“You know you can talk to me too,” Bucky replies softly after a moment. “I know you focus on me a lot, but you went through horrible things too.”</p><p>Steve’s surprised by Bucky’s words. It’s true though. But he never thinks about those things, not anymore, not since he found James. Peggy passed away just before that and Steve tried his best to put the past behind him, except Bucky, never Bucky, he was always still searching for him. But he’s dealt with things to the best of his ability and James gave him such a distraction, something to focus on so completely that he truly hasn’t lingered on those bad memories for a long time. And now he has Bucky too, he’d rather just focus on their future together. “I know I can. But I’m okay, Buck,” he murmurs back to him. “I promise.” <em>I’m okay, now I have you with me</em>, he thinks.</p><p>They fall into silence for a few moments.</p><p>“I think we are really lucky, you know,” Bucky murmurs quietly, fiddling with the edge of the covers. “We had really bad things happen to us, but now we’re here, safe and warm in this bed, and we’re together again.”</p><p>It kind of amazes Steve that Bucky just said everything he was afraid to, out loud. He rests his head against Bucky’s, a stupid part of himself wishing that he could just turn his head and press his lips to Bucky’s, to really be lucky enough to have everything he wants. Suddenly everything feels a little bittersweet.</p><p>“You’re right,” he utters, not moving, as his heart somehow tugs in his chest a little painfully. “We are lucky.”</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>It’s kind of funny to realise you forgot your own birthday. Bucky had truly forgotten until Steve had brought it up. It’s left Bucky feeling a little morose over the last week, if he’s honest, because now he keeps thinking about all the birthdays he missed, how he wasn’t there for Steve’s, and then he starts thinking about his own mortality and it sends him spiralling a little.</p><p>Steve notices, of course, and asks what’s wrong, but Bucky waves it off as just having the birthday blues. Which he supposes it kind of is really. It’s just birthdays are when you take stock of things and think about what you’ve achieved in your life and he hasn’t achieved anything.</p><p>But then Bucky stops himself. He takes a moment and pushes that voice in his head down. Because that’s not true. He thinks about Alpine and his garden and the fact that he’s not curled up in a ball screaming every night anymore and he realises it’s the biggest lie he’s told himself. Because he really has come so far, a lot of it with the help of Steve, but a lot he did on his own too. Because maybe he is strong, just like Steve always tells him. Maybe, considering what he’s been through, he’s actually achieved a lot.</p><p>And once he gets his mindset right, he finds himself a lot happier and even looking forward to his birthday after all, and Steve doesn’t disappoint him, waking him up to pancakes in bed and that excited smile of his as he hands Bucky his presents.</p><p>Bucky even gets him to bring James in and Steve plops her on the bed between them, where she delights in scrunching the wrapping paper as Bucky discards it, discovering great new books, clothes and other odds and ends for his presents.</p><p>It’s a good birthday morning.</p><p>Bucky feels very spoiled, even though Steve admits he was worried because he couldn’t top the greenhouse, but Bucky assures him he loves everything Steve got him. And even if he is a little nervous about Sam coming over, he’s still okay with it. And he’s looking forward to going to dinner with Steve, even if he’s also strangely nervous about that too.</p><p>They spend the day just hanging out at home, Steve spoiling him by doting on him all day, Bucky spending a lot of time with Alpine, as well as playing with James too, and it’s a good day. It feels peaceful.</p><p>So when Sam arrives just after four in the afternoon, Bucky’s a little nervous still, but not overly so. Steve’s just gone to change James’ diaper, so Bucky answers the door himself, Sam looking surprised to see him there.</p><p>“Hey,” Sam says cheerily, recovering quickly, smiling his vibrant smile at Bucky.</p><p>Bucky nods. “Hi.” He backs away a little, holding the door open. “Come on in.”</p><p>Sam steps in, taking a look around. “Steve not here?” he comments.</p><p>“Upstairs changing James,” Bucky informs him. He reaches a hand out a little awkwardly. “Here, let me take your coat.”</p><p>Sam looks a little startled. “Oh, I got it,” he replies, shrugging his black wool coat off and hanging it on the hooks near the door, also putting his bag down on the floor. “Oh, happy birthday, by the way,” he adds as he turns back to Bucky.</p><p>“Oh. Thanks.” Bucky finds himself standing awkwardly. “Um, can I get you a drink?” he offers, trying to think of what he should be doing while they wait for Steve.</p><p>“Oh, sure, yeah man, sounds good,” Sam agrees, following Bucky as he heads into the kitchen.</p><p>Bucky pours him out some juice after checking if that’s okay with him, as the awkward silence returns, and he turns to see Sam’s slid onto his bar stool. He narrows his eyes a little and then tries to pull a more pleasant expression onto his face as he passes Sam his juice.</p><p>Sam takes a sip as Bucky stands there awkwardly opposite him across the kitchen island.</p><p>“So, how’ve you been?” Sam tries.</p><p>“Good,” Bucky settles on. He has been good, he thinks. Everything’s been really good lately, maybe minus the Steve feelings he keeps pushing down that somehow seem to have only gotten worse since Steve revealed he’s attracted to men too.</p><p>Sam nods along and then puts his glass down and takes a breath. “Look, I wanted to apologise again for what happened at Thanksgiving. I really didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sure Steve told you, I kind of get into therapist mode and I can’t help myself, but I shouldn’t have and—”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Bucky cuts him off, meaning it. “And the books were helpful, thank you.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Sam raises his eyebrow, sounding pleasantly surprised. “I didn’t mean that to be pushy either, but they really did help me…”</p><p>“No, they were good,” Bucky confirms. “I appreciate it.” He hears Steve coming down the stairs and then he’s there in the doorway, holding James.</p><p>“Hey!” Steve grins as he sees Sam. “I thought I heard you, how are you?” He goes over to greet Sam, who stands and gives him a hug, then ruffles James’ hair.</p><p>“Hey, Jaime, you ready for some awesome time with your favourite godfather?” Sam grins at her.</p><p>James sort of pouts and then turns her head into Steve’s shoulder.</p><p>“Ooh, oh no, don’t tell me we’re in that stage already,” Sam grins. “Don’t get all shy on me now.”</p><p>Steve huffs in amusement. “Aw, she just hasn’t seen you in a while.”</p><p>“And whose fault is that?” Sam raises his eyebrows, but his voice is teasing, so Bucky knows he’s not really upset, even though Bucky feels a bit guilty that Steve thought he had to keep Sam away.</p><p>Steve looks a little guilty too. “Things have just…we’ve been busy,” he tells Sam, voice apologetic.</p><p>Sam rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “I know, I know,” he waves him off, Bucky appreciating how easy-going he is. “Hey, I got that thing, by the way, you want to come look?”</p><p>Steve seems to perk up at his words, Bucky notices. “Oh yeah, great.” He looks over at Bucky. “Just something Cap related,” he explains. “Do you mind?”</p><p>Bucky waves his hand. “Go ahead.” He instinctively reaches his arms out to take James from Steve, who passes her over just as easily. “I’ll get her afternoon snack,” he confirms.</p><p>James sinks her head into his shoulder.</p><p>“I’ll get Sam settled in your room too,” Steve adds as they head out the kitchen. “Be right back.”</p><p>Bucky nods, paying more attention to James than to them leaving, as he checks what food they have for her while still holding her.</p><p>“Okay,” he offers, smiling at her. “You want the mango smush or the pear smush?”</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>“So did I just see that?” Sam pipes up the moment they are upstairs and out of earshot.</p><p>Steve fixes him with a look as they enter Bucky’s bedroom, which he kindly already tidied in preparation for Sam staying, changing the bedding even though Steve’s pretty sure he hadn’t even slept on them. “Don’t,” he warns.</p><p>“I’m not.” Sam holds his hand up in defence, as he puts his bag down on the floor. “It’s just…that’s kind of huge, right?”</p><p>Steve sighs as he shuts the door behind them, just in case. “Look, I told you we talked it all out?”</p><p>Sam nods in confirmation.</p><p>“Well, since then and since Tony fixed the pain from his arm, he’s been helping more with James. I told you that,” he remembers with a little frown.</p><p>Sam shrugs. “I know you did, but you didn’t say he was like that. He was so open and smiling with her,” he says, looking a little awed. “It’s different to see it for myself,” he adds.</p><p>Steve can’t help the smile that appears on his own face. “I know. He’s so much more relaxed now, I guess.” Then he frowns a little again. “But it’s probably best you don’t make a big deal of it.” He doesn’t want Bucky to feel like he’s being inspected again.</p><p>Sam raises his hands again. “I won’t, promise, not a word. It’s just really nice to see he has something with her, even if he is just trying help out, like you said.”</p><p>Steve nods, feeling a little wistful. It <em>is</em> really nice to see. Then he pulls himself together and thinks of the task at hand and gets a little eager. “So, you really got it? Why didn’t you say?”</p><p>Sam grins at him. “Figured you deserved a surprise too.” He bends down to unzip his bag, lifting a square box out, passing it to Steve.</p><p>He takes it reverently, running his hand over the plain wooden lid. “I can’t believe we got it.”</p><p>“Well, Tony did,” Sam huffs and then turns a little more serious. “I think it’s a real nice thing to get him. But be prepared for maybe some heavy emotions too,” he warns, a bit of therapist Sam sneaking in.</p><p>Steve nods, still looking at the box. “I know. Thanks for bringing it.” He knows it could be emotional, but he also knows that Bucky deserves to have it. And he’ll be there with him when he opens it, to make sure he’s okay.</p><p>He hopes tonight goes well.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Bucky’s a little worried as Steve pulls up to the restaurant. It looks pretty fancy already, just from the outside. And okay, Bucky spent a stupidly long time getting ready and dressing in his nicest clothes, but he’s still a little worried that maybe it’s not enough. That maybe he won’t fit in, in a place like this.</p><p>But Steve smiles that blinding smile at him as he puts the car in park and Bucky finds himself blindly following him from the car to the restaurant, certain he’d follow Steve wherever he goes.</p><p>“This place is really nice,” Bucky comments as they go in, looking around and thinking he was right in his assessment that this isn’t a place for him.</p><p>“Well it’s your birthday, you deserve something special,” Steve replies, matter-of-fact.</p><p>Bucky tries to swallow his nerves, because the fact is, while he’d rather have just had dinner at home like they do every day, he can see Steve put in effort to think about and arrange this and he’s excited about it. So Bucky tries to be excited too. He supposes it is a little exciting, really. It’s not like he’s been to a restaurant in decades. And as the hostess leads them to their table and he takes it all in, he realises he likes the way they’ve set it up. Every table somehow feels private, thanks to the use of many plants that are all over the place, giving everything a lush green feeling. He wonders if maybe Steve chose the place because of the plants as they sit down, because Bucky does find them all fascinating as he looks around.</p><p>The hostess departs as Bucky shrugs his jacket off and carefully drapes it over the back of his chair.</p><p>“Wow, you look really nice, Buck.”</p><p>Bucky glances up to see Steve staring at him. He smiles back a little, smoothing down his top. It’s just a simple dark red sweater, but it’s really soft—cashmere fabric or something—and it was expensive, so he doesn’t wear it around the house. He was extra careful getting it on over his metal arm so he didn’t snag it, and he paired it with simple blank pants that fit him nicely.</p><p>“Thanks,” he manages, oddly pleased by the compliment, glad he got his clothes right. “You do too.”</p><p>He really does. Steve is in a blue button-down, maybe the one he wore on Thanksgiving, highlighting his blue eyes even in the slightly dark restaurant. The candlelight is making his hair look like shimmery gold.</p><p>Steve blushes. “Thanks,” he mumbles, picking up his menu the wrong way round before righting it. “Did you, uh, want to get wine or something?” he offers.</p><p>Bucky doesn’t really like wine, but he figures if Steve wants wine, they could have wine. Then, before he says anything, he stops himself. He gives himself a minute to look at the other drinks instead and changes his mind. He doesn’t have to have wine if he doesn’t want to. “I think I’d prefer a beer,” he finally replies. “If that’s okay?” he adds, looking up from his menu to Steve.</p><p>Steve has his eyes fixed on him. “Of course, Buck, whatever you want.” He gazes at Bucky with a strange look of admiration on his face that makes Bucky duck his head back down shyly.</p><p>When the waiter comes over, they end up both getting a beer. Bucky knows alcohol doesn’t affect either of them, but he thinks he’ll still enjoy the taste. Or he hopes so, at least. It’s pretty damn expensive for beer.</p><p>He continues looking at the menu, trying to decide what food to have. There are so many options these days, it’s hard to decide on just one thing. Bucky finds himself reading through every item carefully, not wanting to miss anything.</p><p>“Did you want to get some bread to start?” Steve offers as Bucky reads through the side dishes.</p><p>Bread sounds good. He knows he and Steve eat more than might be deemed acceptable in a restaurant, so filling up on bread seems like a good plan. He nods along. “Sure.” He reads through the bread options. “The mixed one sounds good?” he offers, looking up at Steve. It’s a variety of bread types, served warm with a herby butter.</p><p>“Great.” Steve offers him a little smile and goes back to looking at his own menu.</p><p>Bucky eventually decides on a roasted vegetable risotto. It sounds interesting and he’s never had it before. And he’s pretty sure if he hates it, Steve won’t mind if he gets two desserts or something.</p><p>When the waiter returns, they put in their order—Steve going for the chicken potpie—and then they’re alone again, menuless, and strangely silent.</p><p>Bucky licks his lips as he watches Steve fiddle with his beer glass. “So how are you doing?” he asks to break the weird silence that’s fallen between them. “This is only your second time away from James, right?”</p><p>Steve lets out a breath as he meets Bucky’s gaze for a moment. “Yeah. Just the funeral before this,” he confirms. “It’s good. I mean, she’ll just be sleeping now anyway, right?” he grins a little.</p><p>“True,” Bucky confirms. “Plus, I mean at least this time she has Sam to watch her and he’s much better at it than me so you don’t have to worry as much,” he tries to joke, but Steve’s face falls.</p><p>“That’s not true, Buck,” he replies firmly, frowning a little, looking very Captain America-like for a second in his sternness. “I mean, Sam is great, don’t get me wrong, but you’re great with Jaime and you’re with her every day. I’m sure she thinks Sam is great and all, but she knows you more now.” His expression changes, like he realises how serious things have suddenly gotten and he breaks into a little grin. “I mean, you’re Booey now, right?”</p><p>Bucky can’t help his little smile back. He guesses that’s true. He never really thought of it that way, but he supposes he has become a pretty big fixture in James’ life. “Yeah,” he replies softly, taking a sip of his drink. If he’s honest with himself, he kind of loves being <em>Booey</em>.</p><p>The waiter arrives with the bread, cutting that conversation short, which is probably best, Bucky thinks, as he starts chomping through the delicious warm bread with gusto. “Mm, this is so good,” he murmurs, while buttering another piece. The butter is all kinds of delicious. He wonders what herbs are in it. Maybe he should start growing herbs? Then Steve could use them in his cooking?</p><p>“It is,” Steve agrees, as he takes a bite of his own.</p><p>Bucky manages to slow himself down after the first couple of pieces to look over at Steve to find he has some of the herby stuff stuck just above his lip. “Oh, hey, you have a little something…” He gestures to above his own lip.</p><p>Steve lifts his hand, searching above his lip, but he doesn’t manage to get it, only smears it along a bit. “Gone?” he asks hopefully with big eyes.</p><p>Bucky shakes his head fondly. “Nah, it’s…” He leans forward, already reaching out. “I’ve got it,” he says, as he wipes the food away with his fingertips, brushing over Steve’s top lip.</p><p>Steve’s watching his fingers, lips parted, as Bucky hovers for just a moment too long, before getting himself together and sitting back in his seat. “Got it,” he tries to say cheerily, wiping his fingers on his napkin, but the fact it, the atmosphere at the table has suddenly changed. All he can think about is how soft Steve’s lip was against his fingers, what a pretty soft pink-red they are, and how he wishes he could lean across again and let his own lips feel what his fingers just did.</p><p>He shoves another piece of bread into his mouth as that strange silence descends over them again.</p><p>“So, um, I know it’s your birthday, but I was thinking we could talk about James’ birthday, if that’s okay with you?” Steve speaks up, words sort of stilted and not very Steve-like at all, like he’s grasping for a topic of conversation.</p><p>Probably because he made Steve uncomfortable, Bucky thinks, so he latches onto the chance for anything to take the awkwardness away. “Of course we can. It’s in a couple of weeks, right?”</p><p>“The twenty-third,” Steve confirms. “I thought maybe...and tell me honestly if you don’t want to…but maybe we could have a little party for her?”</p><p>Bucky blinks, looking over at Steve. “Of course we can.” He doesn’t understand why Steve would think he’d be against that.</p><p>Steve still looks a bit concerned. “I mean, it would involve inviting my friends, because I know James doesn’t have any kid friends yet, and honestly, all of them are probably going to want to come,” he admits. “And I know that’s a lot.”</p><p>Bucky thinks about the names on his Christmas gifts, trying to add them up in his head. That’s probably a good eight people, more or less. But it’s for James, and for Steve, and he’s been doing a lot better around people than he was when he first got here.</p><p>He nods decisively. “That’s okay. We should do it.”</p><p>“You think?” Steve sounds cautiously happy.</p><p>Bucky looks him in the eye, wanting Steve to see he’s sure. “Definitely.”</p><p>Steve seems pleased if still a little careful. “Okay,” he smiles back gratefully. “And if it gets to be too much, you can just tell me and I can make them leave.”</p><p>Bucky frowns back at him, both touched that Steve would do that and annoyed that he would think he might need to. “No, you won’t. If it’s too much, I’ll just go upstairs for a little bit. And I’m sure it’ll be fine.”</p><p>Steve looks cheered by that. “Okay. I’ll invite them tomorrow.” He takes a sip of his beer. “I figured I could bake a cake or something,” he continues, grabbing some more bread. “And we can get decorations and things…”</p><p>Bucky nods along, thinking about something else. “Um, can I ask something?” he starts, hesitantly.</p><p>“Of course,” Steve replies, instantly looking concerned again, putting his bread down.</p><p>Bucky takes a breath. “Okay…and I don’t mean this in a bad way or anything, and I’m not trying to tell you how to do anything or, you know, be—”</p><p>“Buck,” Steve cuts him off with a curious but kind look. “What is it?”</p><p>“I was just thinking, um, maybe you should take James to a playgroup or something like that?” he finally says, feeling himself grimacing a little as he says it. “So she can make friends with other kids?” He risks glancing at Steve for his reaction, hoping it’s not bad. He would never want to tell Steve how to raise James, he knows he doesn’t have the right to do that and that was his choice, but he also can’t help wondering.</p><p>Steve looks a little guilty, but not mad. “I know,” he sighs. “I actually have the details of a couple of groups nearby and I guess I always meant to take her at some point, but then I just…didn’t.”</p><p>Bucky suddenly feels guilty himself. “It’s not because of…because I came back and took up all your time, is it?” he asks softly.</p><p>Steve shakes his head vigorously, voice adamant when he speaks. “Of course not.” Then he relents a little. “I mean, of course, at first there was a lot going on, but you go on your walks and to see Aggie and do your gardening…it’s…there’s plenty of time for me to take her,” he admits with a sigh. “I guess I just didn’t want it to get out, you know, that Captain America has a kid? Both for her safety and just because I want her to be the important one, you know? I don’t want the attention on me if people recognise me, when it should be about her.”</p><p>Bucky feels terribly sad as Steve finishes speaking. He takes a moment to absorb it. It’s incredibly sweet of Steve to want that, for it to be about James, as it really should be. But the fact is, that’s not something Steve can ever change, retired or not. “I mean…that all makes perfect sense,” he tells Steve gently. “Except the fact is, Captain America <em>is</em> her dad and you can’t really do anything to change that,” he adds, being careful with his words.</p><p>Steve looks at him inquisitively rather than angrily, so Bucky feels okay to continue.</p><p>“And really, at some point people <em>will</em> know, unless you plan on home schooling her and never leaving the house. So maybe it’s worth just going for it?” He offers Steve an encouraging look. “And I bet, after maybe some initial shock, once these other parents get to know you as Steve, I bet they’ll treat you just the same as anyone, cause, you know, you’re a great guy and a great dad and they’ll see that and they’ll forget all the other stuff.” He can’t see a way that wouldn’t be true, because Steve is so great that anyone would be lucky to know him, even if the Captain America stuff had never happened. Even if he was still the gangly, boney kid Bucky grew up with, everything amazing about him would still shine through. “Plus the kids James will meet won’t know or care one bit who you are,” he adds with a little smirk at Steve.</p><p>Steve looks deeply touched as he stares back.</p><p>“And obviously her safety is the most important thing, but you’ve got Stark as a friend and I bet she’s already the safest kid in America,” Bucky adds, heartened by Steve’s look.</p><p>“You’re right,” Steve utters. He shakes his head and swallows, a little like he’s holding back tears. “God, just…thank you,” he utters, reaching across the table to grab Bucky’s hand and squeeze his fingers.</p><p>Bucky squeezes back, smiling softly at him, stupidly relishing the touch. “And if you really don’t want to go, I could take her?” he offers as a side thought. He could do that, if Steve needed him to.</p><p>Steve smiles back, just as the waiter arrives with their main courses, and they are forced to let go. Bucky makes sure to keep the remaining bread close so it isn’t taken away, as Steve straightens up, looking delighted by his meal and thanking the waiter, but he’s staring the whole time at Bucky as he says it.</p><p> </p><p>****</p><p> </p><p>Turns out risotto is yummy. Bucky is already planning to see if Steve wants to try making it at home sometime. It’s creamy and delicious and Steve got the waiter to bring him extra Parmesan to go on top when Bucky mentioned how good it was with that melting in.</p><p>Dessert was even better, Bucky devouring a chocolate bombe thing that felt stupidly special because it melted to reveal the inside when the waiter poured hot cream over the top with a flourish. Plus Steve let him have two of his profiteroles as well. He feels very spoiled.</p><p>And somehow the weird feeling that had been lingering at the beginning of the evening sort of dissipated the more they talked and they ended up laughing together and Bucky just really enjoyed being alone with Steve. There’s always something going on at home, be it James or Alpine or chores, so it feels really nice for them to have this little bit of time together with no distractions. Bucky loves just being with his best friend.</p><p>So maybe sometimes he caught himself staring at Steve’s face in the candlelight, or maybe wishing he could reach out and touch those lips again, but he managed to keep himself together and Steve has no idea of the things he’s been thinking, he can tell. He seems relaxed and happy and pleased that Bucky’s birthday has gone well.</p><p>They’re talking and joking as Steve drives them the short way back home and it’s just ended up being a really good night. Bucky thinks every night with Steve will always be a good one really. Just like every day and every minute.</p><p>“This was really fun, Stevie,” Bucky finds himself telling Steve. “Thank you for taking me out.” He was nervous, but now he really appreciates Steve making the effort for him and making him make the effort himself. They definitely need to get out more.</p><p>Steve keeps his eyes on the road. “You’re welcome, Buck. Happy Birthday,” he smiles, as they pull into their driveway.</p><p>Steve puts the car in park and kills the engine, turning to look at Bucky as they both unclip their seatbelts. “So, um, I have a present for you,” he states.</p><p>Bucky blinks at him, a little confused. “You already got me presents?”</p><p>Steve shakes his head. “This is a kind of different present. Plus I couldn’t give you this in the morning, because Sam was the one who brought it over.”</p><p>Bucky furrows his brow, a little confused. “Is it from Sam too?”</p><p>Steve shakes his head as he stretches over to reach the back seat, pulling out a plain wooden box. “No, he just helped deliver it.” He passes the box to Bucky, looking both excited and nervous.</p><p>Bucky goes to open it, but Steve stops him, placing his hand over Bucky’s for a moment. “I just wanted to…it’s personal stuff in there and I just wanted to kind of make sure you’re prepared for that,” he explains, looking a little worried.</p><p>Bucky frowns, not sure what he means. “Okay…” he replies, trying to steal himself, just in case.</p><p>Steve moves his hand and Bucky opens the box to find what looks like lots of bits of paper, but as he lifts and turns over the first one, he realises they’re photographs. Photographs of him.</p><p>The first one is him in his uniform, smiling at the camera, fresh-faced and young and so happy, with no idea of the horrors to come.</p><p>Bucky stares at it, biting his lip as he picks up the next one, which is a picture of his whole family.</p><p>“They, um, they’re the originals,” Steve utters, still sounding worried. “They were part of a museum’s collection so Tony’s been helping me to try to get them back and I just thought…I thought they should be with you.”</p><p>The next one is of him and Steve, pre-Captain America. Steve is scowling a little and Bucky remembers trying to get him to smile for the camera, his arm slung round his shoulders. Steve looks beautiful even with the scowl.</p><p>Bucky puts the photos back into the box. He’s not sure if he can handle looking through them all right now, the first three photos making him tear up already. But it means the world to him that he has these—that Steve went to the trouble of getting them back for him. He puts the lid on and puts the box on the dash for a moment, so he can lean across the handbrake and pull Steve into a hug.</p><p>He presses his head against Steve’s shoulder, feeling the tears run down his cheeks. He wants to thank him, but he can’t find the words.</p><p>Steve holds him tightly, apparently knowing what Bucky wants to say without him saying it. He strokes his hands over Bucky’s back, his face in Bucky’s hair, and Bucky’s never felt so safe or cared for or important.</p><p>And suddenly the realisation comes easily. It pours over him, all encompassing, like he’s being coated in warm syrup as he stays there in Steve’s arms, crying but never wanting to leave.</p><p>He’s in love with his best friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Clever Bucky 😮 Hope you liked this weirdly long chapter, don't know how it got that long tbh 😁 Would love to hear from you in the comments if you're enjoying this!</p><p>Next up...James' birthday party! Avengers coming over! Some wisdom from Aggie! </p><p>And then...oh the one after that 🙌 It's almost time 😍</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. a marvellous time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>James' first birthday.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve wakes on the morning of his daughter’s first birthday with something that is both dread and elation at the same time. As he blinks his eyes open, he can’t help but instantly take stock of things. It’s just a day, an abstract moment in time really, hardly different from the day before, except it’s also entirely different. Because honestly, he can’t believe they made it this far.</p>
<p>There are few people who know just how terrified Steve was when he decided to take on the role of James’ parent. Sam and Nat are really the only two who truly know, having been on the receiving end of many a panicked phone call in the beginning, him with the absolute surety that <em>he can’t do this</em>, but that turned out every day to not be true. Because that’s how he really managed this. Everything one day at a time. And somehow the outcome is a beautiful, healthy and happy baby girl, who’s turning a year old today.</p>
<p>There’s a tiny bit of sadness, because his baby is probably officially a toddler now and that makes his heart ache a little, because he knows he’ll miss the days of her being tiny for his whole life. But this is what is supposed to happen and somehow he’s managed to turn James’ life, which started as something awful, into something wonderful. Or at least he hopes so.</p>
<p>“You’re thinking about her being tiny again, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>Steve startles a little as he turns his head to find Bucky awake and watching him. He feels himself flush. “No,” he lies.</p>
<p>“Liar.”</p>
<p>Steve huffs, caught out. “Fine, I was.” He turns fully onto his side to face Bucky. “But she’s one year old!” he can’t help exclaiming, eyes bright. “That’s just…that’s huge.”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles kindly back at him. “Yeah, I know it is. She’s growing up. She’s changed a lot already.” He hums thoughtfully. “It’s pretty amazing to see how much you’ve changed too.”</p>
<p>Steve furrows his brow. “I’ve changed?”</p>
<p>Bucky rolls to face him fully too, a soft, tender look on his face. “Yeah, well, I mean…not the core of you or anything, you’ve always been this caring, but the Steve I grew up with…I can’t really imagine him retiring. He was all about the mission.” Bucky looks a little lost in past memories as he speaks.</p>
<p>Steve contemplates that. He supposes it’s true. He always used to say he could never not get involved or back down when he saw something wrong happening. But the thing is, he found something even more important somehow that surprisingly made giving up the shield easy. “I got a new mission,” he smiles, realising he’s completely content with how his choices ended up. “James and you. I don’t need anything else anymore.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s brow furrows a little, and for a moment Steve worries he’s said something wrong, but then Bucky surprises him. He reaches out to grasp Steve’s hand, squeezing his fingers, eyes full of something Steve can’t really interpret. Somehow it looks like loss, but that doesn’t make sense. “You’re…god, Steve, you’re just so—”</p>
<p>Steve doesn’t get to find out what he is. They’re interrupted by sudden wailing from down the hall. Steve can’t help the instant reaction he has, already moving, before realising and pausing, looking at Bucky apologetically.</p>
<p>“Go,” Bucky waves a hand at him, still with that strange look on his face. “We can’t have the birthday girl starting her day with crying.”</p>
<p>Steve gives him a grateful smile and heads off to James’ room to find the birthday girl standing, holding the crib bars, waiting for him as she so often is these days, sniffling.</p>
<p>“Hello, sweetie,” Steve coos at her, already reaching in to lift her, careful as always to avoid hitting the mobile above her. “Happy Birthday,” he murmurs to her, giving her a hug. He instantly smells the problem. “Oh what a way to start your birthday,” he hums in amusement. “C’mon, let’s get you sorted out.”</p>
<p>By the time Steve has James cleaned up and dressed, he can hear Bucky’s already downstairs, so he heads that way, excitement already thrumming through him. He knows objectively that James won’t remember her first birthday, but he still wants it to be a great day, plus he’s excited for his friends to visit. Some of them haven’t been over since Nat and Sam gave him a little housewarming party when he and James first moved here.</p>
<p>He steps into the kitchen where Bucky gives James a big hug when he sees her and wishes her a <em>Happy Birthday</em> too, as they set about their usual routine of breakfast, Steve getting James’ ready while Bucky deals with theirs as well as the coffee. It’s funny how well they have their routine down now, Steve muses.</p>
<p>And when that’s all done, then they get started on decorating.</p>
<p>Steve had no real ideas about kid birthday parties, other than the fact that they are probably supposed to include other kids, so he’s already failed on that one, but he did look it up on the internet and found some ideas. And Bucky turned out to be remarkably interested and helped with everything, picking out a yellow and green theme, because he thought it was springy and suited a March birthday, and even insisting that they put party bags together for Steve’s friends, even though they are all adults. Steve gave in because Bucky seemed so amused by the idea. He was even more amused when they went to the store and discovered that there are little action figures of all the Avengers and Bucky had been delighted and got the mini version of them for each Avenger coming, along with a little Cap Steve one for himself which he kept poking Steve with on the drive home. Steve pretended to hate it, but he actually adored Bucky teasing him.</p>
<p>They spend the morning with Bucky putting party bags together, decorating with party streamers and banners and getting the dining table looking nice, while Steve makes food, including James’ birthday cake, both of them taking it in turns to entertain James as well.</p>
<p>Alpine looks super confused by everything, especially when Bucky moves her bed from near the fireplace to by the stairs, tucked in the corner where people won’t accidently stand on it. Steve hears Bucky trying to explain to Alpine that there will be lots of people and she should probably stay upstairs, and he grins to himself, because it’s so adorable how much Bucky adores that cat.</p>
<p>Everyone is supposed to arrive at one, so they don’t have too much time to get everything ready, but Steve’s starting to think Bucky should look into interior decorating as a career, because when he finishes with his decorating tasks, the living room looks amazing.</p>
<p>Steve holds James while he wanders the room, probably looking just as amazed as she does, though for James it’s probably just because she likes the colourful things that are all around.</p>
<p>“It looks so great, Buck,” he enthuses, a little awed.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know,” Bucky replies glibly, and that makes Steve smile to himself, because it’s another moment where he thinks back to when Bucky arrived and how he’d never have said something like that, and now here he is, joking and confident.</p>
<p>It makes Steve’s tiny bit of dread from earlier dissipate almost entirely, because he had been worried about how Bucky will handle all of his friends at once, but Steve’s almost sure now that it’ll be just fine.</p>
<p>“C’mon, pass her over,” Bucky’s saying when Steve tunes back in, to see Bucky with his arms out.</p>
<p>“Huh?” he replies dumbly.</p>
<p>“I’ve got to go dress her in her fancy birthday clothes and you need to shower. And then we’ll switch.”</p>
<p>“Fancy birthday clothes?” Steve comments, with a little eyebrow raise.</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs. “I may have bought her something new as a present.”</p>
<p>Steve grins back at him. It really has become clear to them both lately that Bucky is much better at selecting cute coordinated outfits for James and especially clear to Steve now that he really enjoys dressing her up. He’s lost track of the days when James now has something cute in her hair too.</p>
<p>So he hands James off happily. “Knock yourself out,” he smiles.</p>
<p>By the time Steve’s showered and dressed, Bucky’s basically all done with James, and Steve can’t help grinning as he enters her room to see Bucky just finishing putting a clip in her hair.</p>
<p>James looks adorable. She’s in a long-sleeved stripy blue shirt with a pinafore dress over the top that’s a sort of reddish mauve colour and it has a dinosaur appliquéd at the bottom, with leggings in a matching blue underneath. Perfect for crawling around at her party and having fun, dressy, but not overly so. The hair clip is also dinosaur shaped, Steve notices.</p>
<p>“I feel like you’re angling for her to be a palaeontologist,” he muses as he heads closer.</p>
<p>“Dinosaurs are cool,” Bucky grins back at him. “She looks cute, right?”</p>
<p>“I mean, it’s no unicorn outfit…” Steve teases.</p>
<p>Bucky pouts at him. “She can’t always be dressed like an animal,” he huffs.</p>
<p>“I suppose you’re right,” Steve fake sighs. Then at Bucky’s pouty look, he grins and relents. “She looks perfect. Thanks for getting this for her.”</p>
<p>Bucky shrugs. “She gets much cuter clothes than I do, they’re much more fun to shop for,” he hums. “Okay, my turn to shower,” he states, apparently satisfied with James’ look, lifting her and handing her over to Steve.</p>
<p>Once Bucky’s gone, Steve can’t help putting her on the big green chair and taking some pictures of her in her special new outfit, before he heads downstairs with her to finish party prep.</p>
<p>When Bucky joins him around twenty minutes later, he looks stunning. His hair is down, all softly wavy, and he’s in his black jeans that he seems to have decided are his dressy jeans and a sweater that almost matches the colour of James’ dress and must be new, because Steve hasn’t seen it before. He can’t help wondering if Bucky bought it just because it would match.</p>
<p>He doesn’t have time to comment though, the doorbell ringing right then.</p>
<p>“Ready?” Steve checks with Bucky, smoothing down his own blue henley. He hopes this goes well. He really wants Bucky to get on with his friends and this seems like a good first step, even if it is a lot at once.</p>
<p>Bucky nods, a little nervousness on his face, but nothing like the first time Natasha came over.</p>
<p>“If you need a break, let me know,” Steve pushes as they walk to the front door, a little bit of protective concern coming out.</p>
<p>“I promise,” Bucky rolls his eyes genially, as Steve opens the door to their first guests. “Let’s do this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Twenty minutes later and James’ birthday party is in full swing. If full swing means Avengers hanging around, perched on furniture, holding drinks and cooing over the baby.</p>
<p>But it’s nice, Steve thinks, to have almost all of them here. Thor’s still unreachable and Sam had a mission, but everyone else made it. Alpine has indeed retreated upstairs already, the noise too much for her.</p>
<p>But Bucky’s handling it all so well. Steve thought he would be okay, but he thought he’d maybe be quieter or shyer, like when he’s been with Nat and Sam before, but he’s not really.</p>
<p>Tony, Pepper, Bruce and Peter arrived together first and Bucky greeted them all kindly, straight away thanking them for his Christmas presents again, and then looking surprised when Pepper handed him a small bundle of late birthday presents “seeing as Tony forgot to tell us”, she told him apologetically.</p>
<p>He looked a tad shyer then, but thanked them profusely, carefully putting his presents down on the bookshelf to open later, and then offered to get them drinks, heading off to do that while Steve said hello with James.</p>
<p>So now everyone has a drink with a cute paper umbrella in, because Bucky said they were dumb and they had to get them for the party, and they’re generally fussing over James, and helping her open presents, while Steve tries to be a good host, while keeping an eye on Bucky to make sure he doesn’t need rescuing.</p>
<p>Because he’s currently been cornered by Peter, who seems to be babbling a mile a minute at him.</p>
<p>“It’s just so cool to meet you,” he picks up on what Peter’s saying as he listens in, just in case. “Mr Stark told me how you really like gardening and I’m working on this school project…it’s kinda like a robot, but it can dig the soil and water it and stuff, and it would be awesome to get your thoughts on it…”</p>
<p>Steve stops listening, huffing in amusement to himself. Gardening. That’s what Peter’s talking to him about. He thought he might be asking him something invasive, because while Peter’s a great kid, he’s still just a kid and he doesn’t seem to have much of a filter from his thoughts to his mouth. But Steve can see how Bucky’s eyes have lit up with interest, and he knows he’s just fine.</p>
<p>He turns his attention back to the presents, noticing once again how much they’ve spoiled James with everything they’ve bought her. He’s about to join in when the doorbell goes again.</p>
<p>He opens it to find Nat, Clint and Wanda, and he can’t help the beaming smile on his face as he hugs them all and invites them in, the others waving over at them, as Steve leads them over to Bucky.</p>
<p>Peter looks disappointed to have to stop talking, but says hi and then heads to grab a drink, while Bucky turns his attention to Nat first, smiling at her. “Hi Natasha, it’s good to see you again.”</p>
<p>Steve can see that Nat’s a little taken aback by the genuine friendliness and the change in him, but she doesn’t show it to Bucky.</p>
<p>“You too,” she replies smoothly. “Steve said you did the decorating? The place looks great,” she comments, looking around.</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah well, it was fun,” Bucky replies easily. And then he turns his attention to Clint and Wanda. “Sorry, we haven’t met before, have we?” he asks, a little hesitation there, as though he’s a little worried that he might not remember.</p>
<p>“No, I’m Clint,” Clint introduces himself, Bucky reaching out to shake his hand easily.</p>
<p>“You have the bow and arrow,” Bucky murmurs, and Steve hides a smile, because he knows Bucky’s thinking about the action figures.</p>
<p>Clint looks clueless but happy that Bucky knows him. “Yeah, that’s me. Regular Robin Hood,” he grins. “And this is Wanda.”</p>
<p>“Hello,” Wanda smiles softly.</p>
<p>Steve’s pretty sure he hears Bucky murmur something about ‘glowy hands’, but no one else notices. “Nice to meet you,” Bucky says to her too as Wanda nods back.</p>
<p>“We’ll get drinks,” Nat states as Clint starts talking about his bow, taking Steve’s arm and guiding him away.</p>
<p>“Steve,” Nat utters the minute they are out of earshot in the kitchen.</p>
<p>It might be the first time he’s ever seen Nat stunned. “I know,” he replies softly. He’s so proud of Bucky and how well he’s doing.</p>
<p>“I honestly can’t believe that’s the same guy. I mean, I know you told me things, but seeing it is different.”</p>
<p>“He’s doing really great. Wait til you see him with James,” Steve replies, feeling proud. “Just don’t make a big deal,” he adds, because he doesn’t want Bucky to retreat into his shell if there’s too much attention on him.</p>
<p>“You know I won’t,” Nat promises. “So things are good between you?”</p>
<p>Steve feels a little confused, as he pours out drinks. “Of course, why wouldn’t they be?”</p>
<p>“So have you thought of telling him?” Nat continues.</p>
<p>“Telling him what?”</p>
<p>Nat fixes him with a look when Steve glances over. “You know what. I know I said I didn’t think he was ready before, but I’m looking at him now, and I mean…maybe he is now? Everything’s going so well, maybe now’s the time to confess how you really feel about him?”</p>
<p>Steve casts an anxious glance around, lowering his voice. “Shh, he could hear you,” he panics a little. “And don’t be ridiculous,” he scowls at her as he hands her drink over.</p>
<p>“How is it ridiculous?” she counters, taking a sip of her mocktail with one of the green and yellow striped straws Bucky insisted on having.</p>
<p>“He’s my friend,” Steve hisses back, before they’re interrupted by Pepper joining them.</p>
<p>“Why are we being quiet?” she muses, looking between them both.</p>
<p>“I’m trying to get Steve to admit his feelings to a certain brunet that lives with him,” Nat states frankly. “It’s making him panic.”</p>
<p>Steve looks at her in abject shock. “Natasha, what the hell are you doing?” he hisses. He can’t believe she just went and said that. After promising she wouldn’t say anything to anyone.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she states, not sounding very sorry at all. “But hiding this isn’t helping anyone anymore.”</p>
<p>Steve doesn’t think he’s ever felt so angry with her, but he can’t make a scene right now. He looks at Pepper with worry. “Could you please—”</p>
<p>Pepper waves a hand, kind as ever. “I’m not going to say anything,” she promises, and Steve believes her. “In Natasha’s defence, we kind of already knew though.”</p>
<p>“What?!”</p>
<p>Pepper shrugs at his outburst. “Tony said he thought something was going on…”</p>
<p>Steve can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Well there isn’t. There’s nothing. He’s just my friend, that’s all.” He stares at Nat. “Please will you just drop this,” he implores her.</p>
<p>Nat does look a little guilty now and her tone is gentler when she speaks. “Steve, you can’t keep hiding this from him. It’s not going to be good for either of you.”</p>
<p>Steve’s had enough. “It’s my daughter’s birthday party, can you just <em>not</em>,” he warns.</p>
<p>Nat holds up her hands in surrender. It’s an odd look for her. “Okay, fine. But just consider this for me…what if he feels the same?”</p>
<p>She raises an eyebrow at him as she lifts her drink and then heads back to the living room, Pepper giving him an apologetic look as she follows after her having fetched some napkins, clearly giving him some space.</p>
<p>Steve stands there for a moment in disbelief. He can’t believe Nat brought this up today of all days. And the idea that Pepper and Tony had suspicions too…god, what if he’s been so obvious that Bucky knows? No, there’s no way. Bucky definitely doesn’t know. Steve would know if Bucky knew how he felt. And sure, he and Bucky are tactile with one another and objectively he can see why his friends might get the wrong idea and think Bucky cares about him as more than a friend, but it’s not the case. They have no idea what they’re talking about. He and Bucky are just friends. Good friends, the best of friends, but that’s all. And sure, maybe it hurts to live with this, with his feelings…sometimes <em>more than</em> hurts, but telling him…it’s insane. It would ruin everything they have.</p>
<p>Nat’s just being nosy as usual, because she can’t help herself. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky thinks the party is going well. Steve’s friends have all been really nice to him and he hasn’t wanted to disappear upstairs yet and James seems happy, being fussed over by everyone even if she was a little shy to start with. But all of them wanted their turn for cuddles and James hasn’t complained about it. She’s even been showing off the way she pulls herself along the furniture, not quite walking, but not far off, much to the delight of Steve’s friends, and Bucky remembers that a lot of them were with Steve the day they found her and there’s a connection there because of that. They really care about her wellbeing, even those who don’t see her a lot, and that feels really nice and makes him like them even more.</p>
<p>Bucky finds he likes Bruce especially. He’s quiet and calm and Bucky forgets that he’s literally the big green giant guy, because Bruce is so opposite to that. Bruce even talks about space with him for a little while and Bucky realises Steve must have mentioned the books he has about the topic.</p>
<p>He finds Clint to be pretty funny too, so he doesn’t mind being left to speak to him for a bit when Steve gets drinks, while Wanda seems shy but kind. Peter’s kind of a lot, but Bucky would happily talk to him about gardening robots all day, and he’s also briefly met Tony’s better half, Pepper, who has a kind smile and is the one who sent cute outfits for James and compliments her on what she has on today, so Bucky likes her instantly.</p>
<p>So it’s going well, he thinks. Steve’s friends are good people and he’s glad Steve has them. They’re also great distractions from certain realisations he’s had lately and he busies himself with them instead of thinking about Steve. His stomach grumbling is also a good distraction, as he excuses himself so he can grab some food.</p>
<p>“So how’s the arm doing?” Tony corners him as Bucky reaches the dining table where they laid out all the party food for people to grab whenever they want. He hopes Steve’s friends like it. It’s sort of child party themed, even though there’s only one child here, with lots of mini food, because Bucky saw that online on a site with party ideas for children.</p>
<p>“Perfect,” Bucky answers honestly as he grabs a green paper plate, already used to how abrupt Tony can be and therefore not too surprised by the question.</p>
<p>“That’s too bad,” Tony hums, staring at Bucky’s uncovered hand. Then he sees Bucky frowning and seems to realise what he said. “I mean…that’s great for you. Just saying, we should probably do maintenance every so often.”</p>
<p>Bucky huffs in amusement. “Sure.” He does appreciate Tony still wanting to help, even if it seems like it’s more because he likes the arm and finds it fascinating than actually being concerned about Bucky himself. But he’s been kind to Bucky when he didn’t have to be and Bucky’s grateful for that, so he doesn’t mind about the <em>why</em> of it all.</p>
<p>“I’ve actually been working on my own,” Tony continues, sounding a little proud, as he piles food onto his own plate mindlessly.</p>
<p>“Your own?”</p>
<p>“Robot arm,” Tony fills in, and Bucky can’t help the way his eyes widen a little hearing that. “It’ll take a long time and lots of testing, but maybe someday I’ll have an upgrade for you.”</p>
<p>Bucky isn’t sure about wanting that, but he just hums noncommittally, and Clint steps over to them with James in his arms before Tony can continue talking about it.</p>
<p>“Ooh food,” he comments, eyes wide. “What does this one eat now?” he asks, looking at James.</p>
<p>“Booey,” James whines in response, reaching her arms out, before Bucky can reply.</p>
<p>Clint looks deeply confused. “What is booey?” he asks her. “Is it tasty?”</p>
<p>Bucky pushes his hair back, feeling a little shy. “Oh, um, that’s me. I mean, that’s what she calls me.”</p>
<p>Tony makes a little amused noise as James leans out of Clint’s arms, practically flailing to get to Bucky now. “Very tasty then,” Tony says under his breath, Bucky hearing it anyway and frowning a little.</p>
<p>“Wow, that must be the youngest woman to ever reject you, Clint,” Natasha states as she walks past smirking.</p>
<p>Clint frowns. “So harsh, Jaime,” he huffs, moving over to hand her off to Bucky as she keeps reaching for him.</p>
<p>Bucky feels an odd little glow as she settles happily in his arms, grabbing at his hair like she likes too, but generally looking happier now. It feels really nice that she wanted him out of everyone. Though he figures that’s only because Steve is in the kitchen out of sight.</p>
<p>He can’t help holding her close, stroking over her hair with his right hand. “Do you want some party food?” he murmurs to her. “We’ve got lots of fun stuff you can try.”</p>
<p>Bucky feels eyes on him and glances up to see Steve’s returned from the kitchen and is watching him, along with Clint, Tony and Natasha. It’s a little much and Bucky pastes on a happy look and tries to deflect the attention away. “Hey,” he acknowledges Steve. “Is the cake ready?”</p>
<p>“Yes, cake!” Clint agrees enthusiastically like a little kid, attention officially taken away from Bucky, which pleases him.</p>
<p>Steve chuckles. “Okay, I guess it’s cake time,” he huffs, putting his hands on his hips, shaking his head at Clint’s childlike excitement.</p>
<p>Bucky heads over to him. “Here, you take James and I’ll get the cake,” he decides to offer, because Steve should probably be the one holding James when they sing to her.</p>
<p>Steve takes her easily, James saying ‘dada’ at him as he does, making him smile like it always does. Clint makes ‘aww’ noises.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles to himself at that and then heads to grab the cake. Steve’s done his very best to ice a Brontosaurus on the top of the round vanilla cake, and it looks really good. Bucky’s once again amazed at the artistic talent he has. He thinks he should really push Steve to do more with his art one day. He lights the one candle placed next to the iced lettering of James’ name. He stares at the flame for a moment as he has the happy realisation that he’s really looking forward to seeing the number of candles grow each year, and that he’s excited to see James grow up, and how he intends to be there for it. He never really expected to feel like this, but somehow he found where he’s supposed to be. He’s really and truly home.</p>
<p>He swallows down the emotion bubbling in his throat and lifts the cake and carries it into the living room to the sounds of Steve and his friends singing <em>Happy Birthday</em> as he appears. James looks intrigued and Steve looks so cheerful and Bucky smiles back at them, walking carefully so he doesn’t drop the cake, as a warm settled feeling floods his chest that somehow feels the same as the glow from the candle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At the end of the party, Bucky has a promise from Bruce to send him a list of some books he thinks he’d find interesting and a request from Peter that if he sends Bucky videos of his gardening robot that maybe Bucky could comment on them. Bucky says he’s happy to and Steve’s so glad that he’s got on with his friends and he didn’t need a break even once from all the people. He can’t help feeling very proud of Bucky, but he’s mostly just glad he had a good time. James is all tuckered out, having a nap, so he’s pretty sure she had a good time too.</p>
<p>He lets Bucky amuse himself by handing out party bags to all Steve’s friends as they say goodbye, all of them taking them with bemused expressions.</p>
<p>A little while later, Steve gets an array of photos of Avengers posing with their action figures. It makes him laugh a lot and makes Bucky smile when he shows him. Steve figures it was worth it to see Bucky smile.</p>
<p>Later that evening, while Bucky’s in the bathroom getting ready for bed, Steve finds himself smiling in surprise and rolling his eyes as he looks at Bucky’s nightstand.</p>
<p>The Cap action figure is posed there next to his lamp.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything is almost perfect.</p>
<p>Bucky never thought he’d ever think that again. He’s not sure he’s ever felt that before. But he’s happy. The life he’s living with Steve and James is all he could want, except…well, he still wants for one thing. He still wants Steve.</p>
<p>He wants to wake up not just to hugs but to kisses maybe being peppered along his face or himself kissing along Steve’s pale skin, maybe following along his tiny freckles down his shoulder. Sometimes the urge is so great, he thinks he doesn’t have the strength not to just lean in that bit closer. But he always stops himself.</p>
<p>It’s not even sexual anymore. Or mostly not. He does still think of Steve that way sometimes when he’s alone in the bath, being as silent as possible, but lately all he really daydreams about is being close to him, being able to show Steve how loved he is, to give him that more intimate affection than he’s allowed to. He wants to be that person for Steve so badly it makes his heart hurt.</p>
<p>It’s getting harder to push the feelings down as the days go by. They float up in the most simple moments, like when Steve sneakily cuddles Alpine or when he picks out the raisins from the pastries he got without realising they had any, because Bucky hates raisins.</p>
<p>Bucky’s distractions don’t even work so well anymore. When he’s gardening, his mind wanders back to Steve as he digs in the soil. When he’s brushing Alpine, he thinks about Steve’s hands running through his hair. When he reads, he sometimes has to go back over the same sentence again and again, because he can’t stop daydreaming about being curled up in Steve’s arms, face pressed against his broad chest. The only thing that really helps keep his mind off those thoughts is James.</p>
<p>James requires focus and attention. He has to concentrate on only her when he’s taking care of her, because it’s her wellbeing on the line. He can’t allow himself to be distracted if he’s looking after her.</p>
<p>So he spends more time with her, playing and helping her learn new things. She’s already got a couple more words down, like Alpa for Alpine, and Steve’s pretty sure she’s going to start walking properly any day now.</p>
<p>Spending more time with James is also the reason he’s on his way to Aggie’s with James in her stroller right now.</p>
<p>He’s talked to Aggie about James and Steve a lot over the last few months, and she’s cooed about wanting to meet James because she adores babies, so Bucky had finally asked Steve if that would be okay, because Aggie has been so kind to him and he wants to do something nice for her, and Steve said yes.</p>
<p>Bucky’s pretty sure Steve got Natasha to do a background check on Aggie the minute Bucky mentioned her the first time, which explains Steve being okay with it. But it’s pretty cool to be out with James, by himself, for the first time. He knows it means Steve truly trusts him with her. To be honest, he knew that Steve did even before Bucky took care of her alone when Steve had to go to the funeral. Steve’s always trusted him. It was Bucky who needed to trust himself.</p>
<p>And he does now. He knows he’d never let anything happen to James. He has his handy watch on, just in case, but he’s feeling confident. Aggie lives only a few blocks over and he figures they won’t stay too long, so it’s basically the perfect first outing for them both. Plus even though Steve’s okay with it, he can also picture him alone at home, missing James, because he’s so very rarely without her. At least he did say he was going to call Sam to catch up while they were gone, so that’s something.</p>
<p>Bucky turns the stroller into Aggie’s front yard, closing the gate behind them, and wheels James along the path to the door and rings the bell, the door opening quickly soon after.</p>
<p>“Bucky!” Aggie beams at him, before her eyes go to James. “Oh look at this precious little one!” she coos, as she opens the door to invite them in. “So nice to finally meet you.”</p>
<p>Bucky carefully gets the stroller over the steps and then unstraps James from it so he can lift her so Aggie can see her properly.</p>
<p>“This is Aggie,” he smiles at James, trying to get her to look the right way, which she eventually does. He waves his hand, trying to get James to do the same, but she just stares.</p>
<p>Aggie seems to find it amusing. “Oh, she’s a beautiful girl,” she gushes, and for the first time Bucky feels a strange twinge of pride about that. “Come, come, sit down, I made some tea already.”</p>
<p>Bucky follows Aggie to her cosy living room. He hasn’t actually been in here before. They usually spend time in the garden, on the porch, or a couple of times in the kitchen when it’s been cold out.</p>
<p>It’s a nice room, full of knickknacks and wooden framed pictures, with patterned wallpaper and a big warm red patterned rug. It’s probably a little old fashioned, but it feels very homely, which Bucky thinks is nice, especially as Aggie lives by herself.</p>
<p>She gestures for him to sit on a flower-print armchair, so he does, settling James in his lap, ensuring she has her new rainbow-coloured spider stuffy in her hands to keep her entertained. Natasha gave it to her for her birthday, because she said she wants James to not be scared of spiders when she grows up, and James latched onto it instantly, probably because of all the fun wobbly legs.</p>
<p>“She’s just precious,” Aggie states, watching them, as she pours out tea at the coffee table, before sitting down opposite.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles. “Yeah, she’s pretty cute. Getting bigger every day. Steve thinks she’ll probably start walking soon. I kinda think she’s holding out on purpose,” he grins. Aggie knows Steve is her dad and Bucky’s best friend who he lives with. He hasn’t told her that James is actually his and he hopes Aggie doesn’t notice the resemblance between them, because that’s not a story he wants to get into.</p>
<p>As if she’s heard him, James starts squirming to get down, pulling against the arm Bucky has wrapped firmly around her, trying to slide her whole body under it.</p>
<p>He chuckles at her determination. “Okay, okay, you want to explore?” he murmurs. He’s already taken note of the various hazards in Aggie’s home, like the corners on some of her furniture, but he figures he’ll stay right by her side and it’ll be okay. There’ll never be any head bumps on his watch.</p>
<p>He helps James to the floor, where she starts crawling around instantly as Bucky follows along, while Aggie asks questions and just generally looks delighted about having James there.</p>
<p>“Do you want to hold her?” Bucky offers once James seems to have tired out from crawling and is now sitting still on the floor, pushing her fingers into the fluffy carpet. People love holding James.</p>
<p>Aggie’s face lights up. “I’d love that.”</p>
<p>Bucky lifts James and settles her on Aggie’s lap and even though Aggie is old, she’s still strong as proven by all her garden work, and Bucky doesn’t feel any worry about James being there.</p>
<p>James reaches out instantly to play with Aggie’s shiny multicoloured beaded necklace as Aggie coos at her, doing the same thing everyone seems to do around babies. Or toddlers, Bucky supposes now.</p>
<p>Bucky takes the moment to look round the room as James seems perfectly happy, and his eyes find the pictures on the wall.</p>
<p>“Is this your son?” Bucky asks, looking at a picture of Aggie with a man who must have been her husband, standing with a kid who looks around ten years old. She looks so young and the family looks so happy, it makes Bucky smile.</p>
<p>Aggie pauses in her cooing. “Yes, that’s my Thiago.” She looks lost in thought when Bucky turns to look at her and her voice is sad. “I miss him,” she says simply.</p>
<p>“Do you not get to see him a lot?” Bucky wonders as he looks back at the pictures and sees a few more of what looks to be the same boy, but older. He looks back over at Aggie again.</p>
<p>Aggie shakes her head sadly. “Not anymore,” she murmurs, smiling down at James again when she tugs on her necklace. “He passed away,” she adds at Bucky’s curious look.</p>
<p>Bucky feels his eyes widen. “I…god, I’m so sorry, Aggie, I didn’t realise…” Aggie’s hardly mentioned him before and he just sort of assumed that he lived far away. He feels like an idiot.</p>
<p>Aggie waves a hand. “I know,” she placates him.</p>
<p>“What happened?” Bucky can’t help asking gently.</p>
<p>Aggie looks over to the picture frames behind him. “He was a soldier, just like his father. But he didn’t come back.” She looks down, eyes full of sorrow, but James seems to help brighten them as she smiles at her again.</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t know what to say. He knew she’d lost her husband, but he had no idea about her son. Aggie had told him she was going to her sister’s for Christmas and he just sort of assumed her son would be there too. “I’m sorry,” he says, those simple words the only thing he can really think to say. “I was a soldier too,” he finds himself admitting though.</p>
<p>Aggie looks over at him, slight amusement in her eyes now. “You think I don’t know that?” she raises an eyebrow.</p>
<p>Bucky feels himself frown in confusion.</p>
<p>“I’ve known many soldiers, Bucky, I know what it looks like.”</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help his surprise, but he sees kind understanding in Aggie’s eyes and suddenly realises why she was so kind to him all those months ago. Because she saw something familiar in him.</p>
<p>James reaches her arms out towards Bucky at that moment and he moves over to unconsciously take her from Aggie, bouncing her in his arms as Aggie smiles as she watches them and takes a sip of her tea.</p>
<p>Bucky sits back down with James on his lap and takes a sip of his tea too, careful to not let James near it.</p>
<p>“Can I give you some advice?” Aggie pipes up after a little silence between them, as she watches him with James. “Well, of course I can, I’m older and wiser and you haven’t finished your tea so you have to listen to me either way,” she continues without waiting for an answer, with amusement, before her face changes to something more serious again.</p>
<p>Bucky watches her, curious about what she wants to say.</p>
<p>“The most important things in life are the people who make your life better,” Aggie states frankly. “My husband and my son, they were the most important things in the world and I miss them and I want them back more than anything, and I get sad when people ask about them,” she admits with a little glance over at the photos, “…but I also don’t have any regrets. Because they knew how much I loved them. I always told them, in my actions, in my words.” She hums thoughtfully. “My niece had a baby last year and I told her the same thing when she asked for my advice…just make sure they know they’re loved.” She looks back over at him and James, where James is now pressing her little face into Bucky’s chest. “And I can see how much you love that little girl and at the end of the day, that’s all she really needs from you. Just make sure she knows she’s loved.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks down at James’ little face, part of it smushed against him, somewhat stunned by Aggie’s words.</p>
<p>Aggie sits forward a little, eyes boring into him, before he can really process. “And I might just be an old woman, but I’m still pretty observant, and I can’t help but think that maybe her father is someone you love very much as well.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s mouth parts a little in silent shock.</p>
<p>“You want to know how I know?” Aggie fills in for him observantly, looking far too proud of herself. “Because you tell me about him constantly and when you do, you light up. He makes your life better, yes?”</p>
<p>Bucky nods silently, because it’s the simplest truest fact about Steve. He makes everything better.</p>
<p>Aggie looks satisfied, sitting back in her chair. “You need to hold onto him then. Don’t ever let there be a day when he doesn’t know how loved he is either. Your kind heart is a gift and you shouldn’t be afraid to share it.”</p>
<p>It sounds so simple. But Aggie’s words do make him think, make him wonder.</p>
<p>He swallows and bites his lip, taking another sip of tea to cover how much her words have affected him, while trying to process them, mind racing. It’s a hard truth to hear, but it feels like something he needed to hear.</p>
<p>Because the thing is…he thinks she might be right.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoyed! There's always that one chapter that doesn't want to come out and this was that one, so I hope it's okay! Thank you so much for all your thoughtful comments, they mean the world to me 💜</p>
<p>Up next...💗 *runs around screaming* </p>
<p>It's probably the one I've gone over more than any other chapter ever and I'm still not done 🤭</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. I was your favourite</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>THE TALK.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Are you ready for it...bam bam bam...😮 *sings Taylor Swift*</p>
<p>Warning for soooo much gooeyness 💗</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Bucky leaves Aggie’s, he doesn’t go straight home. He walks slowly, James in her stroller, thinking about what Aggie said. Both about Steve and about James.</p>
<p>He takes James to the park instead of home and finds their bench by the small lake and lifts her onto his lap as she flails her arm out towards the ducks, always excited to see them, babbling gibberish at them.</p>
<p>And he watches her, letting the confusing thoughts of Steve fall to the back of his mind for a moment.</p>
<p>He looks at the fascination on her little face, curious eyes seeing everything fresh and new. He feels the way she tugs on his hair or accidently kicks him with her little feet, still learning control of her own body. His heart somehow feels like it’s squeezing in on itself when she says ‘Booey’ and grins at him, and he thinks of all the words she has yet to learn. He looks at those startling blue eyes, a perfect replica of his own, and it doesn’t hurt.</p>
<p>And he realises, Aggie really is right.</p>
<p>He doesn’t know when it happened, or quite how, but somehow this little girl found her way into his heart and clung on. And now she’s in there, somewhere deep, somewhere there’s no getting out from. He’s grown to love watching her grow. He’s seen the world through different eyes, fresh eyes, because he sees it through her eyes. There’s this perfect, happy little girl who somehow finds joy in everything and it makes Bucky feel better about the world that used to be such an awful place for him. It makes him hopeful. It makes him pray that James gets to have the kind of life he would have wanted. Somewhere along the line, it became a gift to him, that he gets to see it, that he gets to be there for it. He can’t imagine not being there for it.</p>
<p>Bucky finds himself holding James close, careful as ever with his left arm, but hugging her as tight as he dares. He feels a tear escape, rolling down his cheek as James snuggles against him as this moment of revelation, of damn near epiphany somehow flows through his body.</p>
<p>And he realises how much he’s tried not to feel. How he pushes back the thoughts that he doesn’t want to think, how he uses that well-honed defence mechanism that served him well for some of the three years he was alone still to this day. But he’s using it for the wrong things. He shouldn’t be pushing away the good the same way he does the bad. He shouldn’t block out the things that scare him.</p>
<p>Steve means the world to him. He always has and it’s not right to hide his feelings anymore, just because he’s scared. Even if it’s just so Steve can know that he’s loved, like Aggie said. Steve deserves that. Steve with his big, beautiful heart, who has given Bucky everything and never asked for anything. He should know how loved he is.</p>
<p>And Bucky just wants to finally feel free.</p>
<p>He’s finally ready to let go, no matter what happens.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s not nervous.</p>
<p>Not really.</p>
<p>Steve trusts Bucky with James one hundred percent. It’s just so strange to be home without either of them. He’s just got used to Bucky’s walks by himself, but now it’s just him and Alpine and it’s so quiet, it’s a little jarring.</p>
<p>But it’s good, Steve reminds himself. It’s great in fact, that Bucky wants to spend time with James alone and show her off to his friend. Steve would quite like to be invited to meet Aggie too, to be honest, but he didn’t want to seem pushy about it. He can tell that having Aggie is something special for Bucky and he doesn’t want to intrude. Maybe next time he can go too though.</p>
<p>He decides to focus on what to do when they’re back instead of the quiet of the house and figures when they get back, it’ll probably be time for James’ nap and then maybe he and Bucky can watch something together. As the weather gets warmer, Bucky’s back out gardening a lot again, practically obsessed with his greenhouse, so it’ll be nice to convince him to stay in for a bit and get to cuddle him a little on the couch instead.</p>
<p>He also wants Bucky’s opinion on a couple of playgroups he finally found the details for again, because he knows it’s important for James and he’s decided they’ll be attending one soon. But he can’t decide between them and Bucky’s always good at helping him see things logically, so he figures he’ll get his help when he’s back.</p>
<p>He puts on a load of the never-ending laundry that comes with a kid while he waits and then uses the free time to clean the downstairs bathroom, before the familiar sound of the front door opening makes him perk up like a dog who has been waiting for a treat.</p>
<p>Something settles in him as he heads out the bathroom, past the laundry to the living room, pleased they’re back.</p>
<p>“Hey, how was it?” Steve calls, excited to hear about it, as he heads for the front door. “Did you have a good time?”</p>
<p>The last word sort of freezes in his throat, because there Bucky is and he’s got James in his arms and she’s chewing on his hair and Bucky looks distraught and like he might be about to cry or maybe has been crying, and Steve panics.</p>
<p>“What happened?” he asks, rushing forward. “What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>Bucky shakes his head, stepping back slightly, and Steve sees him grip James a little tighter, like she’s a comfort to him.</p>
<p>It makes Steve pause.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” Bucky tells him. “T-there’s nothing wrong,” he says, voice rough and full of emotion. He looks down at James who smacks him in the face with her little hand and says “Bah!” at him.</p>
<p>Bucky breaks into a watery looking smile and leans in to kiss her forehead, while Steve’s all but stunned into silence. He looks back over at Steve, a tear breaking free, but a smile on his face. “I-I just sort of realised how much I love our daughter,” he states.</p>
<p>Steve’s lips part, for a moment just stunned. Then he tries to choke down the emotions quickly rising in him, as tears instantly form in his eyes.</p>
<p>Realising he had to stop pushing, to just let Bucky and James have whatever relationship they would have had been so hard, but he did it. He let it go. But to hear those words now come from Bucky’s mouth…it might be the best thing he’s ever heard. And it’s not lost on him how Bucky said ‘our’. He feels like his whole chest is clenching in, like he might implode at any minute, the idea of it wrenching through him in the most miraculous way.</p>
<p>“Y-you do?” Steve manages, still in disbelief, but trying his best to speak.</p>
<p>Bucky stares at him and nods, a hand going to stroke over James’ hair. “Aggie was telling me about her husband and her son and how important it is to hold on to the people you love and tell them how much you care and I don’t know…” Bucky pauses, wiping a stray tear away after his rush of words, “…it just hit me.” He meets Steve’s eyes again. “I love my family. I love you and James and Alpine and I-I guess I didn’t even realise it with James, but the thought of being without her…” He lets out a breath, gaze moving back to her, with what Steve can see now is love in his eyes, before looking back over with that teary, heartbreaking smile again. “It doesn’t matter to me anymore how she was made and I don’t love her because she’s mine. I love her because she-she’s ours and I just…I just do.”</p>
<p>Steve is staggered. Bucky says the words so simply, but they are so beautiful and affect Steve so deeply, it’s almost like something in the world shifts right then, like there’s some perceptible change in his reality, and it’s wonderful.</p>
<p>He doesn’t have the words, but he forces himself into action, hastily wiping back tears, about to go and grab Bucky in a hug, when Bucky stops him, holding up his hand, shifting James’ weight a little.</p>
<p>“I-I need to tell you something too,” he utters, stopping Steve in his tracks. “And I need to do it now before I can’t do it, but I need you to promise that I won’t lose this.” He sounds deadly serious as he gazes at Steve, even as his voice shakes a little. “You need to know, but I can’t…” He cuts off and lets out a breath, looking lost, casting his eyes to the floor before back at Steve. “I need to know that no matter what, that you’ll still be my friend.”</p>
<p>Steve frowns a little. He doesn’t know what Bucky’s talking about, but he does know one thing that will always be true. “Buck, nothing would ever stop me being your friend.” He huffs in amusement. “I mean, you tried to kill me and that didn’t stop me.”</p>
<p>Bucky chokes out a surprised laugh. “You had to go there,” he huffs, stroking a hand over James’ cheek as she rests her head down on his collarbone.</p>
<p>Steve shrugs and gives him a little grin, before becoming a little more serious. “I mean it,” he says sincerely. “Whatever it is, I’ll still be here.” He can’t imagine what’s got Bucky so worried, but he knows there’s nothing that would ever stop him loving him. At this point, loving Bucky Barnes is basically part of his DNA.</p>
<p>Bucky moves his hand to rest on James’ back and Steve sees him steeling himself for whatever he’s about to say.</p>
<p>He looks down. “I-I, um…there are things that I…I mean, no, that’s not…” He struggles over his words, sounding frustrated. “I wanted to…I’ve been thinking and…”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Buck,” Steve interrupts gently, trying to help. “Just take your time. Whatever it is, we’ll be okay.”</p>
<p>Bucky glances at him briefly and takes a breath, clearly gathering himself again. “I…I’m trying to think of a way to ease into this, but I…it’s not…” He stops again, taking another heavy breath, resting his cheek against James’ head in a moment of clear comfort. He looks at her as he moves his head and takes another breath.</p>
<p>He looks a little agitated as he looks up. “I…I love you,” he suddenly blurts.</p>
<p>Steve feels himself freeze.</p>
<p>“I mean, I’m <em>in love</em> with you,” Bucky says firmly now, even though his eyes look terrified. “Not just as my friend. As more. As, well…you know…romantic and stuff…and I-I think I maybe always was.”</p>
<p>Steve knows he’s standing there like an idiot, silent, but he can’t seem to get his mouth to move. He’s not entirely sure that he’s awake anymore, because what Bucky just said can’t be what Bucky just said.</p>
<p>“I think that’s why I didn’t like Peggy and it’s why I couldn’t leave you,” Bucky continues, voice getting clearer and braver as he goes on. “It’s why I’d do just about anything for you, without you even needing to ask. It’s why I am who I am now.”</p>
<p>He pauses for a moment. “Steve,” Bucky’s voice cracks on his name, “I’m so in love with you,” he says softly, eyes getting glassy. “You’re the reason for everything, you’re how I survived those years alone, just the thought of you kept me going, kept me fighting, so I could get better and come home to you. Because you are my home. You always have been.”</p>
<p>He looks worn out but like a weight’s been lifted, as Steve stares back at him, trying to process the words he’s hearing. He tries to make himself speak, but he just can’t. He’s overwhelmed with the words Bucky just let out into the universe.</p>
<p>Bucky shifts a little, looking uncomfortable now. “I-I know,” he responds softly to Steve’s silence, looking away. “I know it’s not how you feel and I’m sorry, but I just…I kept thinking about what Aggie said and I just thought…it’s something you should know, even if it changes things, but I really hope it doesn’t.” He chances a look back at Steve. “It’s just…you deserve to know that you’re loved, no matter what,” he says boldly. He waits for a few silent moments. “Please say something,” he urges when Steve doesn’t respond, voice soft and a little broken.</p>
<p>Steve manages to form words, finally, at hearing Bucky’s plea, because he hates Bucky sounding like that. “I’m sorry,” he blurts.</p>
<p>Bucky gives him a small forced smile as he looks away, rubbing James’ back where she’s now asleep against his chest. “I know. It’s okay,” he says, biting his lip and looking distraught.</p>
<p>“No,” Steve blurts again, lurching forward and then stopping himself again, because Bucky looks a little startled by his sudden movement. “No, it’s not, I…” He takes a moment, tries to get himself together to say what he needs to say. “I meant, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, you just…you kinda made me freeze for a moment there,” he explains clumsily.</p>
<p>Bucky forces that <em>it’s okay</em> smile on again, looking devastated underneath still.</p>
<p>God, Steve has to stop him looking like that. “You made me freeze, because it didn’t feel real,” he continues, trying to explain in his fumbling words as quickly as he can. “Because you just said the one thing I’ve wanted to hear basically my whole life and knew I never would.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks confused now. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but purses his lips instead, like he’s trying to figure out what Steve means.</p>
<p>“I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old,” Steve announces, letting go of the words he thought he’d never say. “Not just in a best friend kind of way,” he hastens to clarify. “In a way where I used to get lost staring at your hair, wishing I could run my hands through it and how I wondered if your lips were as soft as they always looked and how I wished back then that I was born a girl so I would have had a chance with you,” he admits. “And I always hated those dates you’d drag me on, because I was so jealous and not because the girls paid attention to you and not me, but because you paid attention to <em>them</em>.” A tear breaks free, but he ignores it, on a roll now, the words he’s held back for decades practically exploding out of him now. “And then I lost you and I just…I didn’t want to live anymore and then so many crazy things happened and I found James, but now we’re here and I think I love you even more now if that’s even possible.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks at him through his lashes as Steve finally stops, the words he kept in so long floating between them.</p>
<p>“You really mean all that?” Bucky asks, voice soft and with a hint of disbelief and desperation.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Steve says simply, heart open and free for the first time.</p>
<p>A small awed smile appears on Bucky’s face and Steve can’t help mirroring it as he realises, really realises, what just happened.</p>
<p>Bucky licks his lips, looking bashful and sweet. “So…t-that’s pretty awesome then,” he finally says, eyes sparkling.</p>
<p>Steve lets out an amused breath. “Yeah, I’ll say,” he replies, heart hammering in his chest, still staggered by everything that was just said. He’s not too sure what to do, but his feet seem to move on their own as he approaches Bucky and James.</p>
<p>Bucky bites his lip again as Steve stops close in front of them and he lets himself wrap his arm around Bucky’s waist, the other hand going to rest on James’ back over Bucky’s hand, as he embraces his little family, finally letting his forehead meet Bucky’s, as Bucky shuts his eyes.</p>
<p>“I love you both so much,” Steve breathes out, overwhelmed with emotion, still feeling a little like this must all be a dream.</p>
<p>“We love you back,” Bucky replies softly.</p>
<p>Steve tentatively moves his hand from Bucky’s waist to cup his face, sweeping his thumb over his cheekbone shakily as Bucky’s eyes flutter open. He can’t believe he can do this. And god, he’ll never understand how any one person can hold so much beauty. “Buck, I…can I…?” Steve tries to ask, but he’s still so nervous and overwhelmed with the idea of getting to have the one thing he’s wanted basically all his life, that the words don’t come out right.</p>
<p>But it turns out he doesn’t need the words.</p>
<p>Bucky leans in the inch or two they’re apart and presses his lips to Steve’s.</p>
<p>It’s nothing like Steve thought it would be. He’s kissed very few people in his life and while it was always nice enough, it never felt anything more than that. It never lit a spark in him that electrified his whole body. It never felt like everything in the world had fallen into place and like he was finally whole. It’s a brief and chaste but beautiful kiss and Steve knows nothing will ever be as perfect as that moment and that nothing in his life will ever be the same again.</p>
<p>When he finally manages to open his eyes, Bucky is watching him with such love in his that Steve doesn’t know what to do with himself. “Buck, I…” He doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say. The accidental New Year’s kiss in no way prepared him for this.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles sweetly at him, then leans in again to press another soft kiss to Steve’s lips before gently pulling back. “I’m gonna put our kid to bed,” he tells Steve, shifting her in his arms. “Then I’ll be back,” he adds, the words full of promise.</p>
<p>Steve nods dumbly, too dazed to really move.</p>
<p>Bucky sweeps his fingers against Steve’s cheek and then he’s gone, heading up the stairs through the baby gate, as Steve stands there in awe.</p>
<p>His whole world just shifted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky carefully gets James out of her outside clothes, trying to not wake her. She stirs a little, but quickly falls back asleep as he puts her down in her crib for her nap, covering her over with her bear blanket.</p>
<p>He can’t help but stare down at her, amazed, before he strokes his hand over her tiny fingers and then leaves so she can sleep.</p>
<p>He pulls her door almost closed, knowing the baby monitor is downstairs, and then he pauses for a moment.</p>
<p>Downstairs. Where Steve is waiting for him. Steve who he just kissed. Steve who apparently, by some miracle, loves him back.</p>
<p>Bucky touches his fingers to his lips. He can still feel Steve’s lips on his.</p>
<p>He really can’t believe it. He just never thought this would happen. He thought he’d be let down easy. He was prepared for it. He hoped to use his James revelation as a distraction from his embarrassment—that Steve would be kind and focus on that instead of Bucky’s feelings, once he’d kindly said no.</p>
<p>But he didn’t say no.</p>
<p>He said everything Bucky could never have imagined.</p>
<p>Steve loves him. The best person in the whole entire world loves <em>him</em>.</p>
<p>He leans back against the wall for a moment to try and gather himself, because it’s crazy. How can this really be happening? Bucky can’t believe it.</p>
<p>Except, the strange thing is, somewhere deep down, it feels like he always knew.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve’s heartbeat picks up the second he hears Bucky’s footsteps on the stairs, after he tried so hard to calm himself down while waiting. He half expects Bucky to come downstairs with no knowledge of what just happened and find out it was all a hallucination.</p>
<p>But it’s not. In a moment, he’s there, closing the baby gate on the stairs behind him and stepping towards the living room where Steve has found himself nervously standing by the fireplace. He’s fiddling with the pictures on the mantle, promptly knocking one over and hurrying to right it as he sees Bucky there and their eyes meet.</p>
<p>“She’s all tucked in,” Bucky informs him, a soft sweet look on his face.</p>
<p>“O-okay,” Steve manages, staring at Bucky, brain still clearly having trouble processing everything, because to him it looks like Bucky’s glowing and that can’t really be happening, can it?</p>
<p>“You okay?” Bucky asks, eyes a little concerned, as he steps round the coffee table, heading for him.</p>
<p>Steve nods, somewhat erratically, his hand reaching out for Bucky of its own accord, wanting him nearer even as his heart skips a beat.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles, ducking his head, and takes his hand, letting Steve gently tug him closer, until there’s all but a foot between them.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help the way he stares at Bucky’s face, taking in every detail, every line and dimple and colour, from his eyebrows to his lips, finally meeting the startling blue of his eyes, finding a little bashfulness there. “I...I love you, Buck,” comes out of Steve’s mouth almost by itself, like it just has to come out again, like now he’s said it once, he can’t help saying it over and over.</p>
<p>The bashfulness turns to adoration, with maybe a little disbelief thrown in. “I love you too, Stevie,” Bucky replies, a sweet, almost giddy smile on his face.</p>
<p>He looks how Steve feels. Like he’s drunk on this feeling, like he can’t quite wrap his head around it, surprised and amazed and overwhelmed.</p>
<p>Steve has no idea what to do here. It’s too insane, the idea that the thing he’s dreamt about is happening to him, for real, right now. He reaches up with the hand that isn’t holding Bucky’s to rest it on Bucky’s cheek, feeling the soft, slightly stubby skin beneath. He wants...god, he wants everything. He wants to lean in, to kiss Bucky again, but he feels frozen, stuck at overwhelmed again.</p>
<p>Bucky steps forward, so close their chests are touching. He lets go of Steve’s hand, but only so he can slide it onto Steve’s waist and somehow the gentle touch spurs Steve into action.</p>
<p>He’s leaning in and pulling Bucky close before he even realises, both hands on his face now as he gets his lips against Bucky’s. It’s a little clumsy, but Bucky doesn’t seem to care. Those soft lips are pressing back against Steve’s and it’s soft and warm and perfect. It’s like this is where he was always supposed to be, like their lips were two puzzle pieces and now they’re locked together perfectly, blood thrumming through Steve’s body as he realises that this is all he wants to do for the rest of his life. His emotions quickly head back to overwhelmed, because this <em>can’t</em> be real.</p>
<p>Steve pulls back slightly, too amazed, staring at Bucky’s face in wonder, but Bucky doesn’t let him get far, doesn’t let him process. He pulls him back in instantly, lips meeting again.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help the moan that bubbles up in his throat. His nose presses gently against Bucky’s as he learns the curve of his lips and how they fit together with his own, learns how good they feel against his as he presses light kisses to them.</p>
<p>Bucky responds in kind, sucking Steve’s bottom lip in between his own, grasping Steve’s hip, holding him close, as the other hand goes to his neck, fingers threading into his hair, keeping him close. “Steve...” he moans breathlessly, as Steve takes a second to breath before pressing his lips to Bucky’s again.</p>
<p>He truly never wants to stop. This is the best feeling in the whole world. People should study this as the best feeling that’s ever happened. They’re so wrapped up in each other, Steve can feel the heat from Bucky’s body burning into him, can feel sparks running down his spine from Bucky’s feather-light touches on his neck, his body feeling things it has never felt before, and best of all, he can hear the tiny little noises Bucky is making, like he’s just as amazed, like their kisses are bringing him to life just the same way.</p>
<p>Abruptly, he feels himself tearing up. He breaks the kiss, staring at Bucky in amazement once again.</p>
<p>Bucky has an adoring look on his face as he searches Steve’s. “You good, Stevie?” he asks softly, thumb sweeping along Steve’s jawline distractingly.</p>
<p>Steve nods, blinking his now watery eyes, before turning his head so he can plant a kiss on that thumb. “I...I never thought...”</p>
<p>Bucky nods understandingly, because of course he gets it. He’s the only person who has ever understood Steve, who just knows him, often with no words needed at all. “Me either,” he breathes out.</p>
<p>Steve pulls him into a crushing hug, burying his face in Bucky’s neck, inhaling that gorgeous pure Bucky scent that sometimes lingers on Steve’s pillows. He’s never letting go of this man ever again. Never, ever, ever.</p>
<p>Bucky holds him just as tight, and they’re probably both holding tighter than most people could handle, but it’s just another way that Steve realises this is right and it should have always been them together. They fit together in every way.</p>
<p>Bucky breathes softly against Steve’s neck before pressing his lips against his skin.</p>
<p>Steve lets out what can only be called a whimper at the new feeling that sets goosebumps off down his body. “Buck...” he whines out, releasing his hold on Bucky, only so he has access to pepper kisses down Bucky’s cheek until he reaches his mouth again.</p>
<p>Bucky hums against his mouth, a sound of approval, as he pushes a little against Steve, moving him round and then backwards without breaking the kiss, until Steve’s calves hit the bottom of the couch and he stumbles, falling with a little ‘oof’ noise onto the couch.</p>
<p>Bucky’s next to him in an instant and Steve get his hands in his hair, as their lips meet again, Steve pressed back against the corner as Bucky leans in close, up on his knees.</p>
<p>God, Bucky’s hair is so soft, Steve realises as he tangles his hands in it. He knows he knows that already, because sometimes he forgets himself and cards his fingers through it when Bucky’s sleepy because he knows it soothes him, but it’s different, getting to touch it this way, with permission. He lets himself stroke through it, Bucky shuddering a little against him, as they continue to kiss relentlessly. It smells gorgeous too, a hint of vanilla there, and again somehow more potent, now that he’s allowed to breathe deeply, instead of taking secret hits when Bucky sleeps next to him.</p>
<p>When they break apart, Bucky is almost panting, eyes blown wide and black, while Steve breathlessly stares back at him in wonder. He wants to keep kissing him forever, but god, there is so much he wants to tell him too, so many things to say, things he’s thought for decades and could never tell him.</p>
<p>He stares at the gorgeous man staring back at him and realises he’ll probably never quite believe this is happening. He has no idea what he did to deserve this. He doesn’t deserve this, deserve Bucky, but somehow this is real, and he knows right then that he’ll do his very best to try, every day, to reach that unreachable goal of being worthy.</p>
<p>“You’re so beautiful,” he blurts, struck with how impossibly gorgeous Bucky looks with his hair in disarray, lips all plush and red, and cheeks pink.</p>
<p>Bucky stares back at him, a soft, easy smile on his face. “You’re not so bad yourself, pal,” his replies, eyes sparkling.</p>
<p>Steve knows he goes a little red, even as he sits up a little. “No, I mean it. Do you know how often I just catch myself just staring at you?” he admits, no longer ashamed of it. “Or how many times I’ve drawn you over the years?”</p>
<p>Bucky looks a little curiously surprised at that. “Really?” he asks, sitting back a little on his heels. “You draw me?”</p>
<p>Steve nods, hand gently tracing along Bucky’s knee, without Steve even realising he moved it there. “You’re the best kind of subject.” He reaches out a hand to gently touch Bucky’s chin, thumb fitting into the cute little dimple there that he’s been nigh on obsessed with all these years. “Because it’s not just this damn gorgeous face…it’s you...the way your kindness and sweetness and your perfect, perfect heart just shines out of you. It always has,” Steve basically gushes, unable to help himself.</p>
<p>“Sweetheart, you just described you,” Bucky huffs, face going red even so, as he turns his head away shyly, Steve moving his hand away.</p>
<p>“You think I’m like that?” Steve can’t help but ask. He tries to be a good man and does his best to be kind, but he knows he’s always stubborn and he doesn’t think he’s ever really been sweet, and he knows, objectively, that he looks fit and strong now, but in his mind he still pictures himself the way he used to be, and he’s certainly never been gorgeous.</p>
<p>Bucky looks back, slight concern and incredulity in his eyes. “Gorgeous inside and out, Stevie,” he replies, taking Steve’s hand in his and bringing it to his lips to plant a soft kiss there, so lovingly that Steve thinks he might cry. “You always have been. Even with your floppy hair that you were always pushing out of your eyes,” he smiles fondly like he’s thinking back. “Especially with that in fact,” he amends.</p>
<p>Steve sits stunned for a moment as Bucky presses kisses along his knuckles. “T-there are so many things I want to tell you,” he sputters, not sure where to start.</p>
<p>“You can tell me anything,” Bucky murmurs in reply as he holds Steve’s hand and sweeps his thumb over the back of it.</p>
<p>Steve forgets what he wanted to say, lost in the tender look in those eyes, before he pulls Bucky close again and gets their lips back together where they belong.</p>
<p>Bucky chuckles against his mouth. “Kinda hard...to talk...like this,” he murmurs between kisses, but not putting up any resistance or stopping.</p>
<p>Steve gets a few more kisses in before he forces himself to pull back a little. Because there really are so many things he wants to say. “You know it’s always been you, right?” he asks as he searches Bucky’s eyes.</p>
<p>Bucky looks both pleased and nervous as he shakes his head.</p>
<p>Steve can’t have that. “Always. Even with Peggy, I still wanted you. I was just trying to do what I was supposed to,” he tries to explain. “If I’d known how you felt, I’d have never…” He shakes his head. He can’t stand the idea that he might have hurt Bucky back then.</p>
<p>Bucky looks a little sad as he looks down. “Did you and her...I mean...were you ever...after I…”</p>
<p>Steve catches on to what he means after a moment. “Oh,” he exhales. “No, god no, Buck,” he promises as Bucky raises his eyes back up to meet Steve’s. He feels shy all of a sudden. “We weren’t like that. I mean, I thought I could be, but it just…it wasn’t right,” he admits. “I always felt so guilty, because I was always thinking about you.” He remembers trying so hard back then, but feeling torn apart over it, because Peggy was an amazing person, but she wasn’t the person for him and he just couldn’t stop loving Bucky. Not even when he thought he was gone.</p>
<p>Steve swallows hard, pushing away that horrific memory that seared itself in his mind forever. He takes a breath and tries to focus on what he’s trying to say. “We never...I’ve actually, um,” he coughs, trying to cover up his embarrassment over what he’s about to say. “I’ve never been with anyone like that,” he finally tells him.</p>
<p>Bucky’s eyes widen in obvious astonishment. “Seriously?”</p>
<p>Steve nods, feeling all kinds of exposed and a little shy. “I, uh, I’ve never done, um, anything except kissing,” he admits gingerly. “And not a lot of that either,” he adds sheepishly. He knows that probably sounds crazy to Bucky, to anyone probably, but he’s just never been able to go through with it. Maybe that makes him strange, but the fact is, he’s never wanted sex for the sake of it, with someone he’s not in love with. And the only person he’s ever been in love with is Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky stares at him in what looks a little like wonder and then a little like sadness. And then more sadness. “You know that I have, right?” he finally says softly, guilt in his tone. “I mean, not a lot, but...”</p>
<p>Steve nods. “Dottie. You told me when it happened, remember?” He remembers. Bucky had come home from his date and Steve could tell something was different and Bucky didn’t want to say anything, but Steve with his stubbornness somehow got it out of him and then wished he hadn’t. It broke his heart, but at the same time, he just wanted Bucky to be happy. But then Bucky didn’t see her again and Steve figured she wasn’t the one for him. And for all the girls Bucky used to take out, there were very few he ever went home with.</p>
<p>“I didn’t remember her name,” Bucky confesses, a little frown between his eyes.</p>
<p>It’s probably wrong that it makes Steve kind of happy to hear that. “It doesn’t matter to me, Buck,” he tells him, finding he does really mean it too. “We…we just didn’t know back then how we felt about one another.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks sad still. “I’m still sorry,” he tells Steve, meeting his eyes. His face changes to nervous, eyes darting away, and he bites his bottom lip for a moment. “I…there were guys too,” he utters quietly.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help his surprise and little bit of instant heartbreak at that, but he stays quiet so Bucky can speak.</p>
<p>“Or I mean, maybe just one?” Bucky adds, chancing a look at Steve’s face and then looking terribly sad. “I remember one,” he admits. “We didn’t, um…but we did stuff…I…” Bucky looks broken-hearted himself, like admitted this is killing him. He swallows. “I think it was because he reminded me of you.”</p>
<p>Steve wasn’t expecting that. He blinks and tries to come to terms with it.</p>
<p>Bucky’s lowered his head and looks so scared and ashamed, and Steve realises he can’t have that.</p>
<p>He grabs Bucky’s hand and squeezes it. “It’s okay. You don’t have to feel bad or…or guilty.” He shrugs a shoulder, letting it go. “I never told you how I felt and back then I think we both thought it would have been impossible anyway. It’s okay that you were with other people.”</p>
<p>Bucky looks up at him, a little look of hope on his face. “You mean that?” he asks softly.</p>
<p>Steve realises he really does. “I promise,” he nods, squeezing Bucky’s thigh with his other hand, hoping to be comforting.</p>
<p>“I still wish it had been you,” Bucky utters.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help the soft smile on his face at hearing that. He does wish that too, but he’ll never hold that against Bucky. They’ve lived in such confusion for so long, all that matters to Steve now, is now. “Well, it’s probably better this way,” he tries with a little smile. “At least one of us will know what they’re doing,” he jokes.</p>
<p>Bucky’s face turns a little pink, a little more levity between them now. “Are you saying you want me in your bed?” he teases, while somehow still looking a little bashful himself.</p>
<p>Steve feels his own face heat up. “I mean, I already have you in my bed a lot,” he tries to deflect and cover for his own embarrassment.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs and he shifts on his knees. “That’s true,” he smiles, still a little shy somehow, then his face changes to somehow serious and devastatingly sexy at the same time. “You can have me however you want, you know,” he murmurs to Steve, leaning in closer. “I’m yours. Every bit of me.”</p>
<p>Bucky presses their lips together in a kiss that’s somehow full of so much promise that it leaves Steve breathless. “And what we would do…I’ve never done that, so it…we’ll still kind of be each other’s firsts,” Bucky adds softly.</p>
<p>“Buck…” he breathes out as Bucky pulls back, the idea of that both incredible and mind-boggling and a little too much to handle for him right now. But Bucky seems to understand without words just like always.</p>
<p>“Of course, I don’t know if we’ll ever get round to that, because all I think I want to do for the next thousand years or so is kiss you,” Bucky adds simply, leaning back in to keep that promise.</p>
<p>Steve responds with enthusiasm, his hands finding their way to Bucky’s waist to yank them closer together as Bucky’s tongue starts doing amazing things in his mouth and Steve groans deeply, because that’s the first time he’s done that and it’s fantastic.</p>
<p>And apparently Bucky really meant that, because they get lost in it, Steve starting to discover exactly how Bucky likes to be kissed, how if Steve runs his hands through his hair at the same time, it sets off a little whimpering noise in Bucky, while Steve discovers he loves the feeling of Bucky’s weight on him as he pulls Bucky down so he’s basically lying on top of him. And Bucky seems to quickly discover that Steve’s neck is the place to kiss to make him writhe and it’s just incredible, how this all feels, how Steve is amazed by all this newness and how wonderful it all is.</p>
<p>He thinks Bucky’s right—he could stay like this forever. He doesn’t think he’d even need food. He’d just need Bucky and his lips and the closeness, but sadly the real world doesn’t work that way and a few strange noises pull him from the perfect world they’ve created on the couch.</p>
<p>Bucky seems to realise what it is first. “James is up,” he states, looking over at the baby monitor, as Steve realises the noises are James apparently talking to herself in baby babble. They must have been doing this a lot longer than Steve thought, but still not long enough. Never long enough.</p>
<p>He can’t help leaning in to kiss Bucky again. “Mm, she’s fine,” he murmurs against his lips, kissing him again and again, hands running down his sides. “Not crying, doesn’t need us,” he adds, getting lost in Bucky’s lips again.</p>
<p>Bucky chuckles against him. “Is that right?” he asks, punctuating the question with more kisses. “Just a few kisses and you’ve abandoned your kid,” he jokes, pressing a kiss to the corner of Steve’s mouth.</p>
<p>“Our kid, right?” Steve can’t help asking, before he comes back to himself a little and searches Bucky’s face for a sign that maybe that was the wrong thing to say.</p>
<p>But Bucky just smiles tenderly, brushing a bit of Steve’s hair back. “Right,” he agrees. “Ours.” Then he pauses for a moment. “That’s okay with you, right?” he asks, a little hesitantly.</p>
<p>Steve’s a little dumbfounded by the question. “Of course it is,” he rushes the words out. “I…I’m happy with however you see yourself in her life, you know that.”</p>
<p>Bucky nods.</p>
<p>“I love that you love her.”</p>
<p>“I do too,” Bucky replies, a tender look on his face, and a more settled one at that, like he’s happy that Steve’s okay with it, as if Steve would be anything but ecstatic. Bucky finally moves back, pulling himself up so he’s not lying on Steve anymore. “I’m guessing there’ll be a lot of kissing interruptions in our future,” he says with an over the top sigh.</p>
<p>Steve grins back. “Probably,” he agrees as he forces himself to sit up. “But then she’s always been a really good night sleeper and both of us don’t technically need to sleep really…” he teases as he stands.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles wickedly at him, licking his lips, almost destroying all of Steve’s willpower, because all he wants is to be lying on the couch with him again now. “Well I guess you’ve got yourself a date for tonight then,” he grins.</p>
<p>Steve’s about to go over and kiss him into the cushions, but then…</p>
<p>“Dada!” they hear James call out over the monitor and it’s probably the only thing Steve would stop for.</p>
<p>“Oh god,” Steve sighs, heart bursting as it always does when she says that.</p>
<p>Bucky presses his lips together, smiling in amusement. “Go on,” he grins. “The little lady has spoken.” He stands as he speaks, heading round the back of the couch. “I’ll get her bottle going.”</p>
<p>Steve moves round the couch too though and blocks his path, Bucky looking at him with amused eyes, before Steve cups his face and the amusement goes away, leaving just an adoring look there. Steve steals one more kiss, lingering over it only a little, before pulling back and smiling tenderly at Bucky. “I’ll be right back.”</p>
<p>“I know you will,” Bucky replies, hand going to cover Steve’s on his face before moving away and smiling as he heads for the kitchen.</p>
<p>Steve watches him go and then heads for the stairs, his heart full to bursting, somewhat unsure how he’s even making it up the stairs what with all the emotions running through him, because today started out so normal and somehow turned into this…this miracle, and it feels like it’s going to take days if not weeks for him to truly believe he isn’t dreaming.</p>
<p>But somehow today—this day that started out so normal and average—is the day all his dreams came true.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>🙌 IT HAPPENED! Dear god I hope you liked it, you've been waiting so long, let me know 💜</p>
<p>Next up...I ain't gonna leave you without a little bit of sexy times 🔥</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. with his arms around your body</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Happiness and sexy times.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Minor heads up for those with preferences, my boys are versatile.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky wakes slowly, to the familiar feeling of fingers running gently through his hair.</p>
<p>He seems to wake up like this almost every day these days.</p>
<p>It feels so nice, he wants to just relax into it, but instead he blinks his eyes awake to find the familiar sight of Steve’s chest, where he’s sort of buried his face in the nook between it and his armpit. Which should be gross, but is kind of the perfect fit for Bucky’s head and he loves it. Is it weird that he even likes the smell of Steve’s armpit? It’s probably weird. But he smells good. Masculine and musky, but not at all stinky. He shifts his head upwards to find Steve awake and gazing at him, again like he so often does.</p>
<p>It’s been two weeks. Two weeks since everything changed, and Steve still looks at him in wonder every morning and throughout the day, like Bucky’s the best thing in the world and he’s still in disbelief that Bucky’s there and that he’s allowed to just lean in and kiss him, like he does right then, pecking him on the forehead and murmuring out a ‘good morning’.</p>
<p>Bucky understands. He’s pretty sure he looks back at Steve the same way.</p>
<p>“Mornin’ sweetheart,” he murmurs back, resting his head back down so he’s not craning his neck and planting a kiss to Steve’s chest seeing as it’s right there. Steve likes sleeping topless these days and Bucky can’t say he minds all the delicate pale skin and firm muscles right there on display for him each morning and night. But while Steve’s ridiculously hard to resist, they’re taking it slow. Finding out almost all of this is new for Steve was kind of crazy, but also amazing, and Bucky’s determined that whatever happens between them, it will be up to Steve. His pace, his decision.</p>
<p>It doesn’t even really matter to him that they haven’t moved past kissing, and okay, also a little groping, yet. Every kiss with Steve is a gift, something he greedily hoards, never getting enough. If that’s all they ever do, it would be more than enough for him. Sure, sometimes they both get a bit hot and bothered, or okay, a lot hot and bothered, but they take care of themselves separately, both knowing they’re doing it, but neither discussing it. Honestly, Bucky’s a little concerned that if they do get more sexual, he might not survive it. Because just Steve’s kisses are enough to melt him into a puddle and leave him breathless and hopelessly smitten.</p>
<p>Bucky snuggles in against Steve’s chest, wrapping his arm round him tighter. There’s nothing like this feeling. He’s safe, warm, and loved. Loved more than he ever realised would be possible. More than he could ever deserve. Loved in a way where he can see and feel it every moment, so while it still feels like it can’t be real, Bucky also believes it completely, because it shines out of every inch of Steve, like he’s just been waiting to let it all out and now he can’t keep it in at all. Bucky can only hope he shines back as bright for Steve.</p>
<p>Steve squeezes him back and Bucky realises there’s no way he can’t feel that love back. Bucky’s never felt so purely happy in his life, he can’t hide it either. When he once thought they were lucky, he had no idea just how lucky they would become. He smiles to himself and thinks more sleep is in order, because he’s so warm and comfortable and he never wants to move.</p>
<p>Unfortunately the sun has other ideas and is pouring in through a crack in the curtains, moving directly onto his face and he groans with annoyance, before having to roll away from Steve a little, yanking the covers up over his head.</p>
<p>He hears Steve chuckle. “And where are you going?” his voice asks, full of mirth. “You’re supposed to be waking up.”</p>
<p>Bucky lets out a moan and shakes his head, pulling the covers up further. “Nooo,” he whines. “Still sleeping.”</p>
<p>The bed moves and the covers rustle and then a moment later, Steve’s under them with him, looking bemused as Bucky opens his eyes. The sunlight still shines softly through the cream covers, making Steve look perfectly angelic. He hooks his leg over Bucky’s, pulling them a little closer.</p>
<p>“It’s nice under here,” he murmurs, clearly taking in the soft glow and the warmth and how it feels like it’s a place just for them.</p>
<p>Bucky nods his agreement as he shuts his eyes. “Stay forever,” he mumbles.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Steve agrees simply, leaning in and planting a kiss on his nose, making Bucky scrunch it up a little.</p>
<p>They lie there together, Steve’s hand stroking over Bucky’s side slowly, rucking up his t-shirt to touch his skin, as Bucky basks in it, letting himself drift a little.</p>
<p>“So Nat’s coming today,” Steve speaks after a good long while of peacefulness.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Bucky mumbles. He remembers. Steve invited her over. She knows about them—Steve told her a couple of days after everything happened—and is really happy for them apparently. Bucky’s glad she approves, even if he’s a little disappointed that the company means he won’t be able to kiss Steve so much today. He’ll just have to make up for it later on.</p>
<p>“I actually asked if she wanted to stay over,” Steve continues, a strange bit of anxiety in his tone now.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bucky agrees sleepily. He supposes that’ll be nice for James, because she really seems to like Natasha and she’s really the main woman in her life and Bucky figures that’ll be a really important relationship for her as she grows up. He realises he kind of loves that as he thinks about it. Natasha is so strong and together, he thinks she’s a great role model just for that, but even more so, she’s turned out to be kind and someone who cares fiercely for her friends, and Bucky is happy to think that he’s included in that group now.</p>
<p>“I, um, I kind of did something,” Steve continues, guilt in his voice now.</p>
<p>“What you do?” Bucky mumbles, still only half awake.</p>
<p>“I sort of booked us a place for dinner, just the two of us,” Steve admits and then pauses. “And then a hotel for after.”</p>
<p>Bucky furrows his brow in confusion, finally waking fully, opening his eyes to look at Steve, to find his nervous and uneasy face looking back. “Why would we need a hotel-oh,” Bucky breathes out, figuring it out right at the end. He can feel his face turning red.</p>
<p>Steve bites on his lip. “I just thought…I mean, no pressure or anything like that, but I figured it might be nice to have a night without worrying about James waking up, just a night to ourselves for once.” He looks at Bucky for his reaction and continues, clearly worried. “I mean, even if we just fall asleep, I thought it would be good to have a night away.”</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help the smile that appears on his face. “That sounds really nice, Stevie,” he tries to reassure him.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Steve checks, letting out a breath, sounding relieved.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Bucky confirms, leaning in to press a brief kiss to Steve’s mouth. He can’t believe Steve planned this. It’s pretty adorable and Bucky can’t help but hope that maybe they won’t just sleep.</p>
<p>“Okay, good,” Steve smiles back, pleased now. “The hotel looks pretty nice, it’s got great views of the lake and Jacuzzi tubs and room service and—”</p>
<p>“Sounds perfect,” Bucky cuts him off with another kiss as Steve’s hands wind their way into his hair again.</p>
<p>It really does sound like a great idea. The only problem Bucky can see is having to wait all day until they can leave.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Natasha calls Steve a dumbass to his face when she arrives.</p>
<p>Bucky quite enjoys it, while Steve protests all offended. He pouts until Bucky can’t help pressing a kiss to his forehead to placate him.</p>
<p>It puts a smile on Steve’s face and Natasha watches them with a soft smile on hers and Bucky’s surprised to find he doesn’t feel even a little bit shy about showing his affection for Steve in front of her. He almost wants Natasha to see how much he cares, how he really truly loves Steve, so she knows he’ll take care of him and never hurt him. Somehow though, he gets the feeling Natasha kind of already knew that.</p>
<p>They have a nice hour or so with her, Steve catching up on Avengers news, while Alpine settles herself happily on Natasha’s lap, which Bucky thinks is a bit of a betrayal, but he supposes it’s good that she likes her. Bucky likes her too, especially as she’ll be taking care of Alpine as well as James tonight.</p>
<p>When they’re all ready to go and Steve is busy giving James a few last cuddles, Natasha surprises Bucky by asking if she can give him a hug. He surprises himself by accepting it without thought, putting his arms out first, and as she hugs him, feeling surprisingly delicate in his arms, she whispers how happy she is for them both and it makes Bucky blush and feel all warm inside. He gets the feeling she’s been rooting for them the whole time.</p>
<p>He thanks her and they pull away and he and Steve swap, him taking James for a goodbye hug, while Steve probably checks that Natasha knows what to do if the house is on fire, always the worried parent.</p>
<p>Bucky presses a kiss to James’ forehead. “Bye, cutie-pie,” he hums. “We’ll be back soon, be good for Natasha.”</p>
<p>James presses her little hand against his face and gurgles and then smiles and it’s kind of crazy, how surrounded with love Bucky feels right then.</p>
<p>“Aww, she’s always good,” Natasha comments as Bucky smiles back and hands James over, while Steve gathers their bags. “You boys have fun,” she adds, a smirk on her face now and innuendo clear in her tone.</p>
<p>Steve goes bright red and glares at her, while Bucky presses his lips together trying not to laugh. He definitely likes Natasha.</p>
<p>“We will,” he grins back, taking Steve’s hand, enjoying how flustered he is. “C’mon, Stevie.” He tugs his hand a little.</p>
<p>“Aww, <em>Stevie</em>,” Natasha teases with a beaming smile.</p>
<p>Steve looks like he wants to flip her off, but instead just frowns at her while Bucky grins back, pulling Steve to follow him through the front door. They wave back at Natasha and James, who waves back too, which of course makes Steve break into a smile and wave furiously.</p>
<p>Bucky waves too, though maybe not as crazily as Steve, and eventually gets him to the car and Steve loads their bags into the backseat as Bucky climbs into the front seat, more than ready for their night away.</p>
<p>“Ready?” Steve checks as he gets in and starts the engine.</p>
<p>Bucky looks over at Steve, who looks perfect as always, those bright blue eyes shining at him with happiness, and Bucky nods back. “Ready.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dinner is perfect. The restaurant is very romantic and private feeling and the food is great, though the portions are stupidly tiny, so they probably order way more than they should. Bucky’s already thinking they should grab some snacks back at the hotel as they’re leaving, but it was a really good evening.</p>
<p>It reminds him of his birthday dinner, except that night there was some underlying tension, which Bucky now understands, because that dinner had felt very date-like and hadn’t been even though it turns out they both wanted it to be. But this night…this is very definitely a date.</p>
<p>Steve’s been touching some part of him practically all night and waxing lyrical about how pretty Bucky’s hair is and how nice he looks in what Bucky thought was a boring black sweater, but is apparently the best sweater ever to exist according to how much Steve raves about how good he looks.</p>
<p>It’s honestly ridiculously sweet and it’s not like Bucky isn’t the same. Steve has to keep repeating himself because sometimes Bucky finds himself drifting away, lost in staring at Steve’s pretty eyes or how the light in the restaurant really highlights his lovely jawline or how this time, he knows exactly how soft those lips are on his and he really wishes they were kissing right now. Luckily, Steve seems to find it amusing rather than rude that Bucky keeps zoning out.</p>
<p>At least Bucky’s being very good and not thinking about the rest of the evening. Or the potential rest of it. Or at least he managed to not think about it until they were heading back to the hotel.</p>
<p>It’s a nice walk next to the lake and Steve holds his hand while they walk, which is the cutest thing, and Bucky can’t help thinking about what’s next now. Steve said no pressure, but the fact is, Bucky’s ready for whatever Steve wants. He just doesn’t know what that is—exactly how far Steve wants to go. He figures he just has to relax and see what happens. Either way, he’ll be sleeping wrapped in Steve’s arms tonight and that makes it an awesome night in Bucky’s books. He just really wants to be alone with him, because while he adores James, it’s definitely harder to spend uninterrupted time together with a baby around.</p>
<p>Sadly, in the elevator up to their room, they aren’t alone, but joined by an older couple, so they stand there looking at each other with no possibility of elevator kisses, as they get off before the couple does.</p>
<p>Once they get to their room, which they stopped in briefly earlier, Bucky rids himself of his jacket and shoes and can’t help getting distracted and heading over to the floor length windows to take in the view again. The whole room is really nice—modern and clean and luxurious but not ridiculous, but it’s the view that really makes it great, looking out over the water. Even in the dark, it’s still beautiful. There are twinkly lights below, wrapped round the trees, and glittering off the water, giving just enough light to show some of the scenery still.</p>
<p>Arms slide around his waist as Steve steps up behind him, pressing his chest in close against Bucky’s back.</p>
<p>Bucky leans into the hold with a soft sigh, enjoying how warm Steve is. “This was a really good idea, Stevie.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Steve asks softly, pressing a sweet kiss to the shell of Bucky’s right ear. Bucky loves how he just does that now. It seemed to take him a few days to be comfortable with touching and kissing Bucky when he wanted to, almost as though he was waiting for permission each time, but Bucky’s been smothering him with affection and Steve’s definitely more settled now and has realised Bucky wants for his kisses like he needs air to breathe.</p>
<p>Bucky nods against him. “It’s perfect.” He wraps his hand over Steve’s on his waist. “Are you doing okay, being away from home?” he checks.</p>
<p>Steve hums and presses a kiss to Bucky’s cheek. “I’m doing so much better than okay.”</p>
<p>“Not wanting to call Natasha to check?” Bucky teases.</p>
<p>Bucky sees Steve shake his head in the window reflection. “Nope. I’m learning to be more zen.”</p>
<p>Bucky chuckles. “Zen, huh?”</p>
<p>Steve huffs. “I was talking to Bruce the other day. He’s really into all that stuff.”</p>
<p>“So you’re zen?” Bucky grins.</p>
<p>Steve shrugs a shoulder. “I’m trying.” He squeezes Bucky’s waist a little tighter. “To be honest, I have some other things on my mind right now.”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah?” Bucky hums.</p>
<p>Steve makes a soft noise back as he leans in to press gentle little kisses all along Bucky’s neck.</p>
<p>The sensation makes Bucky shudder and suddenly he has to know. He needs to know what Steve’s thinking here, exactly how far he wants to take this. Going with the flow sounds amazing, especially if Steve keeps kissing his neck, but he’s already too keyed up and he wants to be thinking straight if there are things they need to talk about.</p>
<p>He lets out a small moan of pleasure, before trying to pull himself together again. “I-I know you said no pressure, but was there…I mean, were you hoping for something…?” He trails off, a little hesitant to ask directly but wanting to know even so.</p>
<p>Steve stops his kisses and takes a moment to reply. “I…I guess I wanted to be close to you, however that is,” he tells Bucky softly and a little shyly.</p>
<p>Bucky turns in his hold so he’s facing Steve, finding his beautiful face a little self-conscious maybe, cheeks slightly pink as he meets Steve’s eyes. “I want that,” he promises, reaching to cup Steve’s cheek with his right hand, feeling the slight stubble beneath.</p>
<p>Steve leans into the touch.</p>
<p>Bucky smiles at him tenderly. “I told you, Stevie…I’m yours. All of me, however you want me. You just have to tell me what you want.”</p>
<p>Steve blushes a deeper pink, but he’s never been one to back down from a challenge. “I-I…I want us to make love,” he manages, eyes honest if a little shy still. “I want to feel your skin on mine a-and feel you within me and have you be the only person who I ever share this with.”</p>
<p>It shouldn’t be possible how much Bucky loves this man. “You saying you want me forever?” he teases softly, smiling both in awe and adoration at Steve’s words and how Steve looks at him like he’s something precious.</p>
<p>Steve’s eyes soften further somehow. “You know I do.”</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help the sudden urge he has to kiss Steve, leaning in to press their lips together feverously.</p>
<p>Steve’s hands grasp Bucky’s waist tighter as Bucky tries to pour everything he’s feeling into this one kiss, so Steve will know, will understand. He’s never loved anyone else. He never would or could. Steve is the bright light in his world, the person he’d do anything for, the person who makes him strong, who makes him better, who helped him survive. He wants everything Steve wants. He wants them to be close in every way they can be, want to share everything with Steve that they’ll never share with anyone else.</p>
<p>“I love you so much,” Bucky blurts as he breaks the kiss, overwhelmed, but in a good way. He feels like he could explode with it.</p>
<p>Steve’s eyes practically glow with the love Bucky sees in them. “I love you,” he promises. “And I’m yours too, just like you said. Always have been.”</p>
<p>Bucky kisses him again, Steve’s lips gloriously soft against his own. He feels like every part of him is glowing, almost like he can see a warm golden glow around them both, so strong they could be a supernova.</p>
<p>Items of clothing come off without Bucky really realising or noticing, his hands acting by themselves to strip Steve down, Steve doing the same to him. Somehow they make it over to the bed, collapsing down onto the soft covers together.</p>
<p>Everything is stripped away until it’s just them and the bed, the outside world not existing anymore. Nothing exists except for the little world they’ve made together here.</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help but stare and murmur about how gorgeous Steve is, making Steve blush, but he truly is. Bucky trails his fingers and his lips over every part of Steve, learning all the parts he never got to have before, learning the places that make Steve gasp, the places that make him giggle when they tickle, the places where he cries out in pleasure.</p>
<p>It’s a heady experience, getting everything you’ve ever wanted. Bucky loses himself in it, intent on making Steve make those sounds forever. And the weird thing is, it doesn’t feel weird. It’s not strange to be lying with his best friend, mapping out his gorgeous, naked body with his lips. It’s not strange to know what Steve tastes like and to know he has a few scattered freckles by his hip and a soft little trail of hair leading to the prettiest dick Bucky’s ever seen. It feels like this is how it always should have been, like he was made just to be with Steve like this.</p>
<p>Steve rolls them at some point, taking his time to do the same, as he lies with his weight over Bucky, practically reverent in his touch. He all but worships Bucky with sweet kisses and tingling strokes and amazed eyes and beautiful words, making Bucky feel like he’s melting into the bed, while at the same time arousal thrums across his body, leaving him frenzied with want.</p>
<p>Steve finds his mouth and kisses him deeply, before pulling back to look at Bucky, and the look in his eyes tells Bucky he wants more.</p>
<p>Bucky nods at the unasked question and Steve stretches over the side of the bed to grab his bag, finding the supplies they need that he clearly brought with him, a sweet little blush on his face now as he holds out a tube to Bucky.</p>
<p>Bucky takes it and kisses him in reassurance and then he takes his time. They lie facing each other as Steve hooks his leg over Bucky’s, letting him take the lead, even though it’s not like Bucky’s actually done <em>this</em> before either. But Bucky knows what he’s supposed to do and he makes sure every touch feels good, gentle to the point of driving Steve a little mad, if his moans and gasps are anything to go by.</p>
<p>Bucky kisses him over and over as he continues his delicate touches, amazed at the feeling around his fingers, gasping himself at the reality of what they’re about to do together. He presses kisses over Steve’s collarbone, as Steve lets himself be loud, letting his pleasure be known.</p>
<p>The glow around them burns brighter as Bucky shifts them, holding his weight up over Steve, as Steve pulls him in for more kisses, before nodding at him, pure trust and love on his face, his eyes sparkling in the glow they’re creating.</p>
<p>Bucky can barely believe this is happening now, but he wants Steve so badly and he can see Steve’s the same. He wants to be as close as he possibly can to this man, to the man he loves more than anything and has done all his life. Even when he was lost, his soul still knew.</p>
<p>Bucky presses into Steve’s body and everything changes from the soft, warm glow to pure white fire. Steve pulls him in as close as they can be, his body welcoming Bucky’s, as Bucky grasps at Steve’s hand against the bedding, interlocking their fingers, as he stares in wonder into Steve’s eyes, barely able to think, barely able to breathe.</p>
<p>It’s too much and not enough, will never be enough. Bucky wishes he could live here forever, in Steve’s moans and warmth and glow.</p>
<p>Steve stares at him in awe, chest heaving, and then nods his head for Bucky to move.</p>
<p>Bucky does. He moves his hips slowly, not wanting it to be too much, as Steve lets out a desperate groan, pulling Bucky closer and deeper by moving his own hips in time with Bucky’s. It’s incredible and beautiful and perfect and everything it should be. They moan each other’s names into the dark of the room, as the sensations overwhelm them, time ceasing to exist.</p>
<p>Steve’s legs get tucked up against Bucky’s sides, caging him in, keeping him close, as Bucky leans in to kiss him, moving in long but gentle strokes, panting against Steve in wonder. He’s never felt anything like this. He loves watching Steve, meeting his eyes, being connected to him in every single way he can be. It’s intense and powerful and wondrous.</p>
<p>There’s sweat sliding down Steve’s leg as Bucky grips it carefully with his left hand, his right holding him up as he and Steve intertwine and Bucky tries not to lose his mind with how good it feels, incredible slick tight heat engulfing him, body pressed against Steve as close as it could ever be.</p>
<p>But it seems Steve’s in the same position, and neither of them can last long. It’s too much, too perfect for them to hold back. They’ve waited so long.</p>
<p>Bucky doesn’t even have to touch him.</p>
<p>Steve pulls him down to kiss him just before he comes. It starts as a frantic kiss, dissolving into amazed gasps of pleasure as Steve’s body tightens and shudders beneath him and Bucky can’t hold back, crying out his pleasure as he drops his head against Steve’s neck, panting against him as their supernova explodes.</p>
<p>When he can move a little, he wraps himself around Steve as close as he can get without crushing him, pressing kisses to his sweat-damp hair, murmuring <em>I love yous</em> against his skin, because those are the only words he can find right now.</p>
<p>He hears Steve saying it back, voice wrecked, as he grips Bucky back just as tightly, head nuzzling into Bucky’s neck, with that warm glow still all around them.</p>
<p>They fall asleep wrapped up together, sweaty and dirty and not caring about any of it. Nothing matters except staying in each other’s arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That morning is a novelty for Steve. He doesn’t wake up wondering if James is awake. Instead, he wakes up to gentle, feather-light kisses on his skin. It’s just the way he used to dream about waking up, except it’s real.</p>
<p>His eyes flutter open as he finds Bucky there, kissing along his arm, fingers tracing along the muscle as he goes.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Steve smiles sleepily at Bucky, as the whole incredible evening before comes back to him. He feels relaxed and content and there’s a little ache there, but he can’t believe how amazing last night was, and how sweet Bucky was with him, taking the lead, showing more of that confident side of him that Steve loves as much as the shy side. And everything had felt perfect. To have Bucky that close, to share that with him, to share himself…it was everything Steve has always hoped it would be and so much more.</p>
<p>Bucky pauses in his kisses, looking up to Steve’s face, a soft, tender smile appearing. “Hi,” he murmurs back.</p>
<p>Steve has his hands on Bucky’s face in a second, pulling him up close to kiss him, morning breath be damned.</p>
<p>When Bucky pulls back slightly, he’s still smiling, his hand coming up to stroke along Steve’s cheek, some amazement in his eyes. “Feeling okay?” he checks softly.</p>
<p>“Perfect,” Steve answers honestly. “Last night was…” He doesn’t even know how to describe it.</p>
<p>“One of the best of my life?” Bucky fills in for him with a sweet smile.</p>
<p>“Only one of?” Steve asks, raising an eyebrow teasingly.</p>
<p>Bucky half smiles at him. “I mean it’s right up there,” he teases back. “I just don’t think anything will beat that day you told me how you felt about me.”</p>
<p>Steve’s heart aches with love at that comment. He’s right. No matter how perfect last night was, hearing Bucky say he loved him for the first time…there’s nothing that will beat that. That feeling when all the heartache suddenly disappeared and was suddenly worth it, because he finally had the person he’d loved all his life loving him back.</p>
<p>“You’re right,” he agrees. “But last night’s really close,” he grins as he threads his hands through Bucky’s tangled hair, careful not to pull.</p>
<p>Bucky sighs in pleasure, then glances at the clock. “What time do we have to leave?” he pouts a little.</p>
<p>“Not until eleven-thirty,” Steve replies, checking the clock that’s just coming up to half nine. “I figured we could get breakfast downstairs, go for a walk by the lake…” He trails off as Bucky shakes his head at him.</p>
<p>“I have a better idea,” he murmurs, before pressing a kiss to Steve’s lips. “I think we stay here in this bed as long as possible,” he continues, his hand lightly making its way down Steve’s side, “…we skip breakfast…and I get to feel you inside me this time,” he finishes softly, his hand curling around Steve’s morning wood and squeezing.</p>
<p>Steve almost swallows his own tongue as he lets out a moan of both agreement and pleasure.</p>
<p>“Good plan?” Bucky checks, a slight wobble to the confidence in his voice, hand stilling as he sweetly makes sure Steve’s on board, which he very much is.</p>
<p>Steve nods emphatically, higher thoughts all but gone as all he can think about is the idea of feeling Bucky around him. He’s had innumerable dreams about sex with Bucky, last night only checking off one of many things he’s dreamed about and he still can’t quite believe this is happening for real and that Bucky’s offering him these things.</p>
<p>Bucky presses kisses against his chest, before Steve grabs him and rolls them so he’s covering Bucky, staring down at the beautiful face of the man he loves, feeling all that soft naked skin pressed up against him.</p>
<p>“I love you, Buck,” he can’t help telling him. It’s like the words won’t stay in. He feels like he probably says them a hundred times a day.</p>
<p>Bucky looks at him with such love in his eyes it makes Steve’s head spin, as he wraps his hands around Steve’s shoulders, a challenge in his eyes now.</p>
<p>“Show me.”</p>
<p>Steve smiles adoringly at him and then grins. “I will. I’ll show you how much I love you by going to brush my teeth.” He’s also noticed some dried evidence of last night across his stomach and really needs to go clean up before they do anything else. The whole room probably smells like sex. He’s going to have to leave a really big tip for housekeeping.</p>
<p>Bucky huffs at his words and pushes himself up to sitting, forcing Steve back onto his knees. “You’re the worst,” he rolls his eyes, pushing Steve’s shoulder. “But probably a good plan,” he admits. He rolls out of bed before Steve can, heading over to the bathroom, naked and beautiful.</p>
<p>Steve sits there staring in awe. Because while last night was incredible, he didn’t get a full daylight view of Bucky like he is now, and every inch of him is perfect. His body is so gorgeous, strong and healthy again, muscles moving deliciously as he walks. Even the metal arm and the scars he knows Bucky hates are perfect to him. He watches Bucky’s toned ass as he walks, probably with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.</p>
<p>He flops onto the bed when Bucky shuts the door, ridiculously hard, hands itching to go and grab that ass. He can’t help trailing his hand down to give himself a couple of lazy strokes, just to take the edge off.</p>
<p>He doesn’t notice when Bucky opens the door again.</p>
<p>“Starting without me?” Bucky’s amused voice states.</p>
<p>Steve snaps his hand away from himself. “Umm…”</p>
<p>Bucky’s leaning on the doorframe, eyes very much focused on where Steve’s hand just was. “Don’t stop on my account,” he murmurs, deep and sexy.</p>
<p>Steve’s eyes wander over him, his own dick jumping as he takes in that wonderful view again. Bucky looks like he’s halfway to hard as he looks at Steve. He can’t help holding his hand out towards him. “C’mere,” he moans. Bucky’s far too far away. A whole eight feet.</p>
<p>Bucky shakes his head and beckons with his finger. “You come here instead,” he counters. “I had a wonderful idea.”</p>
<p>Steve practically trips in his eagerness to head over there, trying not to be embarrassed by his dick bouncing in the air as he moves.</p>
<p>Bucky takes his hand and tugs him into the bathroom, where he finds Bucky’s started the giant Jacuzzi tub. “Good plan, right? I figured we need to make use of the amenities,” he grins.</p>
<p>Steve’s heart melts a little. He presses a kiss to Bucky’s cheek. “Perfect plan,” he murmurs back. They can get all clean and warm and relaxed together and he’ll get to have a naked and wet Bucky to stare at. It seems pretty damn great to him.</p>
<p>Bucky leans in and teases his lips with the barest hint of a kiss. Then he smacks Steve on the ass. “Go do your teeth,” he grins.</p>
<p>Steve lets out a noise in protest but does as he’s told, watching as Bucky climbs into the tub, hissing in pleasure as he lies back. He brushes quickly, before hurrying over to join him, climbing into the bubbly water to sit opposite, letting out a little groan at the nice heat on his tired limbs.</p>
<p>Bucky gives him a little playfully irked look. “Why are you all the way over there?” Then, before Steve can reply, he scoots himself around and moves back to sit against Steve’s chest, in between his legs, perfectly gracefully, while Steve thinks he would have looked like a beached whale if he’d tried that.</p>
<p>Steve huffs as Bucky presses his lower back against his dick, resisting the urge to move his hips.</p>
<p>“Down boy,” Bucky hums in amusement. “We’ll get to you.” He lets out a sound of satisfaction as his hands find Steve’s legs, fingers trailing along them where they can reach, his head dropping back onto Steve’s chest with his eyes closed, as the water bubbles around them and they lie there, relaxing in the heat.</p>
<p>Steve takes a deep breath, amazed at all the tingles running through his body. Bucky’s hands feel so nice on him, the metal one especially gentle but surprisingly dextrous as his fingers lightly stroke over Steve’s thighs.</p>
<p>Steve lets his hands explore too, running over Bucky’s chest, grazing over his nipples, getting a nice groan out of him.</p>
<p>“We’re relaxing, Rogers,” Bucky grumbles, Steve feeling the rumble against his chest.</p>
<p>“I’m relaxing you,” Steve counters, left hand staying stroking over his chest, the other finger walking its way down under the water.</p>
<p>Bucky lets out another low moan when Steve’s hand touches him.</p>
<p>“Beautiful,” Steve whispers against him, not even really meaning to speak. He can’t help but have a very graphic flashback of how incredible it felt having Bucky sliding into him last night. He wraps his hand around one of his new favourite parts of Bucky, gently stroking slowly up and down, feeling him pulse in his hand.</p>
<p>“Mmmph,” Bucky hums out. “Steve…”</p>
<p>Steve hums low in his chest in reply. “Bucky,” he manages to choke out, so turned on it’s insane.</p>
<p>Bucky gasps as Steve moves his hand a little faster, pinches his nipple a little harder.</p>
<p>Steve moves his head a little so he can see Bucky’s face, eyes closed in pleasure, hair damp and fanned out across Steve’s chest, his own chest moving with his now heavy breathing. He’s a vision. Steve nuzzles into his neck, sucking hot little kisses into the skin there.</p>
<p>Bucky almost whimpers. Then suddenly he’s turning, gracefully again in Steve’s arms until he’s on top of him, facing him so he can launch himself at Steve’s lips, kissing him with so much passion, Steve thinks he might pass out from the feeling.</p>
<p>“I thought we were relaxing,” Steve manages in between kisses, his hands sliding down Bucky’s back to take a firm grip of his ass. God, it’s so firm and pert, he just wants to bite it.</p>
<p>“Well you ruined that plan, didn’t you,” Bucky counters, pulling back to frown sternly at Steve.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help smiling back. “Sorry, Buck,” he beams. He lets his fingers trail towards the cleft of Bucky’s ass.</p>
<p>It’s kind of funny, Steve thinks, how right this feels, how easily they can fall into these new versions of themselves. Steve would have thought it might be awkward or a little fumbling, or that he’d have to somehow change Bucky in his mind from his best friend to his…well, still his best friend, but also his lover, his boyfriend, his everything. But it doesn’t feel strange. It feels miraculous, sure, but it feels right. It feels like this was how they were always supposed to be.</p>
<p>Bucky grinds his hips down and Steve lets out a loud groan, happy he doesn’t have to try and be quiet here.</p>
<p>“I guess we really should make the most of not having to be quiet,” Bucky muses, reading his mind, before he latches onto Steve’s neck like the sweetest little vampire imaginable.</p>
<p>Steve can’t help moaning again at how good it feels, how it sends little zings of pleasure down to his groin in an instant. “You’re right about that,” he manages. He’s already thinking they’re going to have to have more of these little weekends away whenever they can, because no way will they have this sort of privacy at home.</p>
<p>“Bed?” Bucky questions as he pulls back, looking at Steve with dark eyes, lips all pink and shiny and kissable.</p>
<p>Steve nods shakily, barely able to focus with Bucky right there, looking so gorgeous.</p>
<p>Bucky pulls back, gracefully climbing out the tub and grabbing a towel for himself and then passing one to Steve as he stands. He flicks off the Jacuzzi bath, pulling the plug as Steve pats himself dry quickly, too excited to do it properly.</p>
<p>Steve reaches for Bucky, pulling him in for a kiss, because he can’t help himself. They both lose their towels somewhere along the way as Steve stumbles with Bucky back to the bed, until they both fall onto it.</p>
<p>Bucky stares at Steve, eyes dark and wanting, as Steve shakily reaches for the bottle they left on the nightstand last night.</p>
<p>He didn’t really think anything could ever be as perfect as last night. But as time seems to evaporate to nothing as he lays over Bucky, taking his time with opening him up, Bucky guiding him sweetly, he thinks that somehow they’ve reached past perfect.</p>
<p>“Stevie, you’re adorable,” Bucky murmurs at him.</p>
<p>Steve looks back up to that beautiful face and realises he’s been mumbling out loud. “It is though,” he argues, staring into Bucky’s eyes. “This is better than perfect. You’re better than perfect. I…there are no words to describe you….”</p>
<p>Bucky’s whole face softens and he looks incredibly touched. “Inside,” he whispers. “Now.”</p>
<p>Steve’s brain all but bursts into flames at that. “O-Okay,” he utters shakily, carefully freeing his fingers.</p>
<p>Bucky moves to sit up, straddling Steve’s thighs, apparently impatient, helping get him ready and then he guides himself onto Steve.</p>
<p>“Oh, oh fucking god…” Steve can’t help choking out the words as tight heat surrounds him. It’s like nothing he’s ever felt before, he can barely handle it, as Bucky tightens his arms round his shoulders and presses down. “Oh, fuck, I...Jesus…” Steve doesn’t dare move as Bucky takes him all in and then meets his eyes, panting gently.</p>
<p>“You good?” he checks, voice breathy, his fingers digging into Steve’s shoulders.</p>
<p>Steve nods shakily, staring back at him in astonishment. “You feel...god, I don’t even…I didn’t know it felt like this…”</p>
<p>Bucky smiles a little wickedly at him. “Just you wait, sweetheart.” He grabs Steve’s hands that have been holding Bucky’s waist in a vicelike grip and slides them down until they’re on his ass. “You gonna help me, Stevie?” he hums, leaning in to steal a deep kiss, tongue sliding in.</p>
<p>And then he starts moving, sliding slowly upwards, strong thighs doing all the work as Steve grasps at his ass in bewilderment, as that tight heat turns into an inferno of friction, dragging along his dick, and all Steve can do is choke on his own tongue, letting out unintelligible noises.</p>
<p>“Fuck, you feel amazing,” Bucky moans, as he sets the pace, Steve just along for the ride as Bucky lets him in. “Didn’t know it was like this…”</p>
<p>Steve just about manages to get a brain cell working enough to use his hands to help move Bucky, getting a deep groan for his trouble, and soon it’s Steve whimpering as everything’s quickly becoming too much for him. Or maybe it was already too much and now it’s more than that. His body can’t take it. For all his strength, Bucky is his undoing. He can’t last with this feeling, he just can’t.</p>
<p>“Buck…” he breathes out, hands squeezing his ass tightly, so tightly he’ll probably have bruises. “I can’t, oh god, you feel too good, it’s too…”</p>
<p>Bucky moves. He latches his legs round Steve’s back, smoothly falling onto his back at the same time, so Steve is dragged back on top of him. “Let go, Stevie,” he murmurs, before his hand latches onto Steve’s chin so he can kiss him for all he’s worth.</p>
<p>Steve pants into the kiss, pulling away only to test moving his hips, the motion unfamiliar, but all at once perfect, as his eyes practically roll back in his head at the feeling. He stares into Bucky’s eyes and then he gets to take control, groaning out loud as he pistons his hips again.</p>
<p>“That’s it, Steve, god…” Bucky breathes out, squeezing his legs tighter around Steve’s waist. “Fuck me how you want.”</p>
<p>Steve’s quivering with it. He wishes it could last forever, but as he thrusts deeply, over and over again, he feels Bucky tighten up around him, so much so that it’s painful, and watches in awe as Bucky comes beneath him, letting out a guttural noise, and that’s all he needs. He gets pushed over the edge, crying out as he buries himself deep, his strength gone as his drops onto Bucky, panting and sweating and unable to even move as pleasure takes over his whole body.</p>
<p>He comes back to himself slowly, feeling a chill as he softens and slips out of Bucky’s warmth. He tilts his head and finds Bucky’s there watching him, an adoring look on his face as he shivers a little himself.</p>
<p>“Okay, yeah, you were right,” Bucky murmurs, throat sounding dry. “More than perfect.”</p>
<p>A smile comes over Steve’s face as he finds Bucky’s lips and places a tender kiss to them. “Love you,” he says softly, fingers trailing along Bucky’s jaw, mind too bewildered to really process what just happened.</p>
<p>Bucky turns his head so he can press kisses to Steve’s fingers. “Love you,” he replies, effortless, just like breathing. He turns back to look at Steve and grins. “Need another bath.”</p>
<p>Steve beams back. “That’s what got us into this mess,” he teases.</p>
<p>“Vicious cycle,” Bucky hums back.</p>
<p>“Perfect cycle,” Steve counters. He’d be pretty happy to be stuck in that cycle.</p>
<p>Bucky hums and then looks behind Steve and then kicks him a little. “You need to call and get a late checkout.”</p>
<p>Steve glances behind him to find they have ten minutes until checkout. “Oh shit.”</p>
<p>“Yep,” Bucky hums, making no move to move, stretching his arms, his whole body going taut and looking delicious with it.</p>
<p>Luckily, they get a later checkout for a lot more money.</p>
<p>Somehow, they still end up being late.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky can’t stop staring at the man across from him.</p>
<p>They ended up grabbing a late lunch by the time they checked out, Steve having called Natasha to say they’d be late—apparently she wasn’t surprised in the slightest—and now Bucky’s watching Steve lick his dessert off his spoon and Bucky can’t keep his eyes off of him.</p>
<p>Steve’s hair is a little messy as they ended up still leaving the hotel in a rush, his top is a little crumpled and he looks worn out, and he has a little chocolate mousse just at the corner of his mouth that he hasn’t noticed is there.</p>
<p>He’s the very definition of perfect.</p>
<p>Bucky’s so happy, he thinks he could explode with it. He’s still seeing that golden glow all around them, still thinking about them making love and how incredible it was. And how this is somehow his life now. They get to do this every day if they want. Though a whole lot quieter at home, sadly.</p>
<p>It’s really a game of self-control, just sitting there, because all Bucky really wants to do is climb into Steve’s lap and slam their lips together.</p>
<p>“Buck, your ice cream is melting.”</p>
<p>Bucky blinks, finally moving his eyes from Steve’s face to look at his dish, where indeed, his ice cream is starting to look like a puddle next to his remaining cake. He sighs and scoops some up. It still tastes good, but he’d just rather have Steve’s taste on his lips right now.</p>
<p>“Thinking too hard?” Steve smiles over at him with curious eyes.</p>
<p>“Something like that,” Bucky murmurs back, shifting his foot a little, just to feel the way Steve’s is hooked around his ankle.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah, what about?” Steve questions, innocent as ever, finishing the last bit of his dessert.</p>
<p>Bucky looks away, trying to look coy before looking back. “Ah, you know…just thinking about you…how you have chocolate mousse on your face,” he finishes with a flourish and a grin.</p>
<p>Steve’s mouth falls open in shock. “Mean!” he protests as he grabs a napkin and finds the stray blob of chocolate and wipes it away.</p>
<p>Bucky keeps grinning, lowering his voice a little. “Ah, c’mon, Stevie. You don’t want to hear how I was thinking about pressing myself against that hard chest of yours and working my way down with my mouth until I get to your c—”</p>
<p>“Bucky!” Steve hisses, looking around, except really there’s no one else in the restaurant having such a late lunch as they are, just some staff meandering about. But he’s still gone bright red.</p>
<p>Bucky likes that he makes him go red. “Look at you, all shy,” he teases. He certainly wasn’t shy that morning. It was pretty damn awesome when Steve took control and let go. Oh god, he wishes they were still in bed…</p>
<p>Steve gives him a little exasperated look, before his face turns to something decidedly different. “I’ll show you shy,” he replies, voice low and delicious.</p>
<p>Bucky can’t help the way his eyes probably dilate at that voice. “Think there are rules against that in public,” he hums, even as a little thrum of excitement goes through him.</p>
<p>“We have a car,” Steve shrugs, leaning back in his chair, a naughty glint in his eye. “With tinted windows.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s eyes widen. He’s clearly created a monster. But that doesn’t stop him instantly signalling the waiter for the check and scarfing down the rest of his dessert.</p>
<p>They eventually make it home.</p>
<p>Steve only has to pull over three times.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>****</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nat makes fun of them when they get back. Especially Steve, because he’s got some pretty great mouth-shaped bruises on his neck from when Bucky was trying to distract him while he was driving. Steve turns red and then they both make fun of him for it.</p>
<p>When Bucky makes it up to him that night, he’s happy to be made fun of for the rest of his life. And then it kind of hits him—he gets to have this for the rest of his life. He gets to see and hold and love Bucky every day and be loved back. They get to raise their daughter together and see her learn and grow and try to give her the best life possible. It’s a world away from his life when he woke from the ice and it’s everything he’s ever wanted without even knowing he did. It really is perfect. Better than perfect. He needs a word that describes it, but none exists.</p>
<p>Steve feels like the timing of their night away was better than perfect too.</p>
<p>Because the day after they return home, James takes her first real steps.</p>
<p>She’s crawling around the living room, finding her toys, while Bucky half watches her while also watching TV, and Steve’s busy changing a light bulb in one of their lamps. He’s heading for the front door so he can put the dead bulb in the recycling when Bucky makes a tiny noise and then utters his name softly.</p>
<p>Steve pauses and turns round carefully, because he knows that is Bucky’s way of telling him something’s happening without scaring James into stopping.</p>
<p>And when he turns, he sees James is pressing against the floor with her hands before standing upright. And okay, she’s done that before, but then she starts moving.</p>
<p>She takes a first wobbly step towards him, arms outstretched in front of her. “Dada!”</p>
<p>Steve stands in awe as their little girl heads towards him, surprisingly steady on her feet after the first step, like she waited until she could do it perfectly to do it, making it all the way over to him, where Steve can’t help scooping her up and planting a kiss to her head, amazed.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, you did it, Jaime!” he all but squeals. “That was amazing!”</p>
<p>He grins over to see Bucky’s obviously recorded it and smiles at him thankfully.</p>
<p>Bucky grins back, standing up to head over to them. “You know this is a disaster, right?” he teases, reaching out to hold James’ little hand and smiling warmly at her.</p>
<p>“Disaster?” Steve frowns back, confused.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Bucky huffs. “She’s gonna be running all over the place soon and we’ll have to keep up with her!”</p>
<p>Steve huffs in amusement, hugging James closer. “I didn’t think of that.”</p>
<p>“And then I hear there’s this whole time period called the terrible twos that we still have to look forward to,” Bucky continues, still teasingly.</p>
<p>Steve covers James’ ears. “Shhh, if you don’t tell her about that, maybe she won’t be like that,” he jokes.</p>
<p>Bucky chuckles, stroking his hand over James’ hair. “C’mon, let’s see if she’ll do it again,” he states, excitement in his eyes, and Steve can’t help beaming back.</p>
<p>He puts James back down on the floor, getting her on her feet while holding her hands, then once she’s steady, he lets go and backs away.</p>
<p>“C’mon, Jaime,” he tries to coax her.</p>
<p>She looks at him, swaying a little bit, like she’s trying to figure out what he wants, and then she lets out a little shriek and babbles “Alpapapa” and suddenly staggers towards Alpine, who’s in front of the fireplace.</p>
<p>Bucky bursts out laughing, following after her to make sure she doesn’t fall. “Rejected for a cat!”</p>
<p>Steve makes a grumbling noise, but really he’s thrilled.</p>
<p>They spend the next few minutes with poor Alpine being chased around the room, until she gets annoyed enough to go upstairs, slinking her way through the baby gate bars.</p>
<p>Of course that makes James cry, ending the walking practice, so Bucky scoops her up and starts singing to her, singing Sarah’s song.</p>
<p>Steve watches them, heart full and happy, as Bucky meets his eyes and gives him an adoring look back that Steve still can’t believe is for him. He’s just so happy and so grateful for how everything’s worked out, the way he never thought it would.</p>
<p>He really is the luckiest man in the world.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>🙌 I hope you liked it! Your comments last chapter were amazing, thank you! 💜</p>
<p>Only the epilogue left 😭 Aiming for this weekend 😭</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. no, not without you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Snapshots.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>All the chapter titles are lyrics from Taylor Swift's folklore. I find it so handy that she has 'no, not without you' in the song 'the lakes'. Freaky.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>One year, two and a half months</strong>
</p><p>“Buck…oh god,” Steve groans out, as Bucky doubles down on his ministrations on Steve’s dick. His mouth is heaven. Steve can’t get enough of it and Bucky seems to feel the same way. It had been ridiculously hot the first time Bucky did this, seeing his mouth stretched round him so lewdly…Steve felt both embarrassed and turned on.</p><p>These days, he just feels turned on. Honestly, everything Bucky does turns him on, even just him walking around the house. And Steve has no qualms about grabbing Bucky’s ass if he feels like it, or letting his hands get a little naughty when they’re on the couch alone together.</p><p>Bucky seems to enjoy it a lot. Steve sees how he goes a little red when he compliments Bucky or shows him how much he’s attracted to him and how he just can’t keep his hands off him. Steve can’t help it. He likes to make sure Bucky knows he’s beautiful and desired every day. Because he is. Ridiculously so. Bucky likes to joke about how little it took for Steve to become a sex fiend, but he’s yet to turn down anything Steve’s offering.</p><p>And it’s not like he’s wrong. Sex with Bucky is some sort of drug to Steve. After so long not really caring that he was still a virgin, now he’s practically obsessed with getting laid. But in a good way, he thinks. Nat said it’s normal for new couples to be this hot and heavy when he got slightly worried about if he’d gone to the dark side and embarrassingly asked for her advice.</p><p>So sure, maybe every moment he and Bucky are alone together, one of them might initiate something pretty quickly, and sure, Steve might find himself pressing Bucky up against the nearest wall and kissing him breathless, or Bucky might straddle him on the couch in the middle of a movie, but the fact is, they have to take the opportunity when they can get it, what with having a kid keeping them busy most of the day and sometimes interrupting them by waking up during the night.</p><p>Happily, right now, she’s downstairs with her godfather and godmother. A fact that Bucky reminds him of when he groans too loudly.</p><p>“Sweetheart, you’ve gotta be quiet,” Bucky hushes him, pulling off with a pop, before diving back down.</p><p>Steve nods and gasps, shoving his hand over his own mouth. He really does need to be quiet. He’d made an excuse to go upstairs for a minute, giving Bucky some meaningful eye contact, and then Bucky joined him, pushing him onto their bed and yanking his pants down.</p><p>So he needs to be quiet and quick. If Sam or Nat figure out what they’re doing, they’ll never hear the end of it.</p><p>Luckily, Bucky is extremely good at this and in no time at all, Steve is gasping and coming hard all over himself as Bucky pulls off, looking very pleased with himself.</p><p>“Oh god,” Steve pants as he lies there, blissed out, while Bucky finds the wipes they handily keep in the nightstand and cleans him up, even pulling his pants back up for him and making him look presentable.</p><p>“We better get back down there,” he reminds Steve, as Steve forces himself to sit up with a groan.</p><p>“What about you?” Steve asks, gazing down at Bucky’s jeans.</p><p>Bucky smirks at him. “I’ll manage. We’ll excuse ourselves in another hour or something,” he adds, licking his lips. “They’re gonna come up here if we don’t head back now.”</p><p>“Oh fuck, they’re gonna know,” Steve realises as he looks at Bucky’s face.</p><p>Bucky frowns back, looking doubtful. “Oh c’mon, how are they gonna know?” he huffs.</p><p>Steve reaches for his puffy red lips, capturing the bottom one between his fingers. “Because your mouth looks like it’s been doing, well…what it <em>was</em> just doing,” he informs him, feeling a little bad but also a little proud of that fact.</p><p>Bucky touches his own lips as Steve lets go and then shrugs. “It’s not like they’ll be looking at my lips. You’re the only one who stares at them,” he reminds Steve with another smirk.</p><p>“How can I not,” Steve throws back with a purposeful leer. “Those lips are a goddamn work of art.”</p><p>Bucky rolls his eyes but looks entirely pleased with the compliment at the same time. He grabs Steve’s hand and tugs, pulling him to his feet. “C’mon, let’s get downstairs. Don’t forget the book.”</p><p>Oh right. Steve had pretended he was getting a book for James. “What about you, what was your excuse?” he checks.</p><p>Bucky grimaces. “I said I was going to the bathroom,” he admits. “They might think I have a problem.”</p><p>Steve can’t help his amusement at that as he presses a kiss to Bucky’s temple, chuckling. “We need to come up with better excuses,” he muses as they head back downstairs together.</p><p>“Or maybe you need to learn to keep your hands off me,” Bucky fake grumbles back.</p><p>“Never,” Steve declares with a huge smile as he walks behind Bucky, grabbing a handful of that gorgeous ass and holding on as they reach the bottom step.</p><p>“I can’t walk with you attached to my ass, Steve,” Bucky complains as he steps towards the living room, Steve grinning and wrapping his arms round him from behind instead.</p><p>“Oh yeah, this is better,” Bucky huffs as he waddles forward with his arms pinned to his sides and a supersoldier draped over him, but he leans his head back into Steve’s shoulder, so Steve knows he likes it, despite the huffs.</p><p>They make it to the kitchen that way nevertheless, Steve grinning as he sees Sam sitting at the island with a sandwich, while Nat is playing patty-cake with James.</p><p>“Ya’ll are gross,” Sam states, eying them as they walk in.</p><p>“You’re gross,” Steve very maturely replies, and Nat huffs in amusement, which in turn somehow makes James giggle.</p><p>“I like this Steve,” she comments.</p><p>Steve finally lets go of Bucky, after giving him a showy kiss on the cheek just to make Bucky blush, heading over to make some coffee, because he needs some energy back after what Bucky just did. God, his tongue is so talented…</p><p>“So, where’s the book?” Sam asks.</p><p>Steve freezes, jolting out of his thoughts, realising that even after Bucky reminded him, they both still forgot to grab one. “Umm…”</p><p>Sam’s eyes widen as he seems to catch on quickly at the guilty look on Steve’s face. “Oh man, seriously?” he scowls, looking appalled, as Nat smirks over at them. “You couldn’t hold off until we went home?”</p><p>Steve tries a wry smile and a shrug.</p><p>“I <em>really</em> like this Steve,” Nat grins.</p><p>Sam huffs again and grimaces.</p><p>Steve glances over at Bucky to see him staring at Sam with a frown, arms crossed over his chest, and he suddenly hopes Bucky isn’t upset.</p><p>But then he speaks, narrowing his eyes at Sam. “You’re in my seat.”</p><p>Sam’s eyes widen, while Nat bursts out laughing again, while Steve watches with awe.</p><p>“Oh, I like this Bucky,” Nat laughs gleefully.</p><p>And Steve does too. Because the Bucky who arrived at his door so many months ago would never have said that and now he looks ready to sit on Sam if he has to.</p><p>Sam looks flabbergasted, looking between Bucky and Steve like he doesn’t know what to do.</p><p>This time he moves.</p><p>Every time Sam visits after that, he sits in Bucky’s seat on purpose and they end up wrestling over it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>One year, four months</strong>
</p><p>“Steve!”</p><p>Bucky shrieking his name makes Steve startle in panic. If he still had his shield, he would have been grabbing for it right then. His hand sort of flinches, remembering that impulse still, as he rushes out the kitchen.</p><p>Bucky’s still yelling his name as he discovers him running down the stairs, James in his arms, crying loudly, her face all red.</p><p>“What it is? What happened?” Steve rushes out as he reaches them.</p><p>Bucky has his right hand very delicately placed on James’ head, almost floating above it really. “She hit her head,” he tells Steve, his tone making it seem like the world itself is ending. “She hit her head and it’s my fault, I wasn’t watching, I looked away and she hit in on the corner of the changing table,” Bucky rushes out, absolute sheer panic and terror on his face.</p><p>It’s the first time James has bumped her head while Bucky’s looking after her.</p><p>“Oh my god, oh my god,” Bucky blabbers, tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry…”</p><p>Steve could almost laugh, but he knows Bucky won’t find that reaction very helpful. He puts his hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. “It’s okay, it happens.” He moves his hand to run it carefully over James’ head, Bucky moving his hand so he can. He can feel the tiniest of bumps there where Bucky has been hovering his hand.</p><p>“We need to go to the hospital,” Bucky basically barks at him. “We need to make sure she’s okay.”</p><p>Steve can’t help huffing a little at that and smiling. “Bucky, baby, it’s okay. I’m sure it hurt, but it’s just a little knock. You think she’s never bumped her head when I’ve been watching her?” he adds, trying to be helpful.</p><p>Bucky stills for a moment and his eyes fix on Steve’s in a glare. “You bumped her head? When did you bump her head?” he questions fiercely.</p><p>Steve’s eyes widen and he raises his hands up in surrender, knowing he’s not going to win this. “Okay, okay, I’ll get the car keys,” he gives in. The staff at the hospital will probably laugh at them, but if it makes Bucky feel better then it’s worth it, even though James’ crying has already started to diminish.</p><p>The staff don’t laugh at them, but Steve can see it’s because they’re forcing themselves to be professional. They go through all the checks, James sitting there happily, and declare her perfectly fine.</p><p>Bucky’s relief is palpable as he deflates like a popped balloon.</p><p>For some reason, he still insists that he’s going to sleep in the chair in James’ room that night, apparently just in case.</p><p>It’s ridiculous. But it’s also incredible and adorable and Steve loves him for it and he knows he won’t be able to convince him otherwise.</p><p>They end up both sleeping on the floor of her room together in a pile of blankets.</p><p>In the morning, Steve chokes awake because Alpine has climbed onto his face.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>One year, six months</strong>
</p><p>“Hey, Buck, can we talk for a minute?”</p><p>Bucky can’t help but think that sounds ominous. “Am I in trouble?” he half teases, looking up as Steve comes over, walking round to sit next to him on the couch, where Bucky’s been wrapped up in a blanket, reading his book.</p><p>“You’re always trouble,” Steve huffs with a smile, and Bucky relaxes because if Steve’s teasing him then it can’t be anything too bad.</p><p>“I, um, I wanted to run something by you,” Steve continues, sounding a little nervous now.</p><p>“Okay…?” Bucky puts down his book and pays full attention to him now, curious. Steve has a somewhat worried look on his face, but his eyes seem to be hopeful.</p><p>“So you know when I first got James, Tony helped me to become her legal guardian, got all the official paperwork and everything?” Steve starts.</p><p>Bucky hums. He knows this.</p><p>“Well, I was thinking…maybe we could get your rights reinstated? I mean, add you as her official parent again, like me?” Steve tells him, sounding apprehensive and also eager at the same time.</p><p>Bucky didn’t expect those words to come out of Steve’s mouth. He’s a little blindsided, so he takes a moment to think about it. He loves James. They treat her like she’s their kid together anyway these days, but James still calls him Booey and they’ve never really talked about his role as such. It’s funny to realise that, but then he realises Steve’s probably still a little hesitant about it like he is right now, because of how things started out.</p><p>“Y-you want that?” Bucky checks, carefully. As happy as he knows Steve is with their lives now, he doesn’t want this to be making Steve unhappy in any way.</p><p>Steve nods solemnly. “I do.” He lets out a breath. “I know before, you didn’t want that, because she didn’t feel like yours, but these days…I mean, you’re her dad too,” he says softly.</p><p>Bucky’s never truly thought of himself like that before. He thinks of James as theirs, she’s his daughter, but he’s never thought of himself with the word ‘dad’. But he finds himself nodding. “I-I guess so,” he murmurs, a little in wonder.</p><p>“And it’s not just for us,” Steve continues, tone a little more relaxed now. “I mean, if anything happened to me, it would be a lot easier if you had your rights in place and everything—”</p><p>“What’s happening to you,” Bucky protests, cutting in instantly with a frown.</p><p>Steve half smiles at him. “Well, hopefully nothing, but you know, it’s important, just in case to plan for these things…”</p><p>Bucky doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t even want to hypothetically think about it. He reaches out and wraps his hand around Steve’s head, pulling him forward into a kiss. “Nothing is happening to you,” he orders, resting his forehead against Steve’s as he pulls back, staring into his eyes. “Okay? Nothing.”</p><p>Steve looks a little dopey as he still often does when Bucky lays one on him. “Nothing’s happening to me,” he repeats obediently, smiling, pressing a kiss back to Bucky’s lips.</p><p>“But okay,” Bucky decides as they break apart. “If you want it, we can do that. Just tell me what to sign and stuff.”</p><p>“It’s only if you want it too,” Steve reminds him with a little frown.</p><p>Bucky melts a little at Steve’s concern for his feelings. He reaches out and holds his hand. “I do. I do want that,” he promises. He thinks for a moment. “Do you think we should teach Jaime to call me dad or something?” he asks hesitantly.</p><p>“Definitely,” Steve beams, removing any of Bucky’s worry that that might be stepping on his toes. “Though I guess that might be confusing, because she already calls me daddy?”</p><p>Bucky hums thoughtfully. He’s got a point. “What about pa?” he suggests. That’s what he used to call his dad when he was a kid anyway.</p><p>“Papa,” Steve amends with a grin, eyes bright.</p><p>Bucky can’t help smiling back, Steve’s enthusiasm so cute and sweet of him. “Okay,” he agrees, feeling a little shy but happy. “Papa sounds good. But I still like Booey too,” he adds, because he really loves when Jaime calls him that.</p><p>Steve squeezes his hand. “I’m sure she’ll call you both,” he replies, face bemused and eyes delighted.</p><p>Bucky nods, a warm glow in his chest as he thinks about that. He leans in and wraps his arms around Steve in a tight hug, once again so grateful for him and so thankful for everything his life has become. He never thought he’d get to this place, but he has and it’s pretty incredible.</p><p>He’s a <em>papa</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>One year, eleven months</strong>
</p><p>It’s crazy how things can change. Sometimes in the blink of an eye in a way that sends your head spinning, and other times so slowly that the change is barely perceptible and it feels like you’re running in place. Steve has experienced both, many times. Sometimes he thought the change was for the worse and wished he could go back. But these days he realises that every change in his life led him here and it was all worth it. He feels it every day and can see it all around him.</p><p>Steve’s house was once just that. A house. It served its purpose, providing safety and warmth for him and his daughter, but it never felt like more than that. But these days it’s a <em>home</em>.</p><p>It’s no longer stark or plain or lacking in life. James’ toys are all over the place, no matter how often they tidy them up. Even when they’re put away, more just appear the next day. It’s the same for Alpine’s cat toys.</p><p>There are pots everywhere, with Bucky’s favourite indoor plants in them, and his books all around the place. There are so many of them now, he’s started having to shelve them in front of the other books. Steve needs to figure out where they could add another bookcase for him.</p><p>Steve still tries to keep most of his art mess limited to the kitchen table, but these days more of his artwork makes it onto the walls, Bucky insisting on framing his favourites, alongside the frames containing James’ slightly less advanced art that they both adore.</p><p>His favourite frames though are the ones containing photos. They have pictures all over the house these days, not just on the fireplace mantle. There are ones showing James’ ‘firsts’ everywhere. There are ones of him with James and ones of him and Bucky together, ones of just Bucky and James, and of course all three of them. There are black and white pictures of Bucky’s family, and him and Steve back when he was tiny. There are tons of Alpine, because she’s gorgeous in every photo they take of her. There are ones with their friends, both the Avengers gang as well as Aggie. There’s one of Steve as Captain America in a war poster that Bucky put up and likes to make fun of because of his outfit. Steve threatens to take it down often, but Bucky pouts about it and Steve’s a sucker for his pouting. So it stays up on the wall near the laundry room and Steve grumbles about it when the mood strikes him.</p><p>Sometimes Steve worries that there are too many pictures. There’s something on almost every wall, and tons on the walls of the staircase, leading you to follow them up. But Bucky reminds him how important memories are, so they keep adding more. It shows their lifetime together. A lifetime that’s only just getting started.</p><p>His favourite is right opposite the front door, just next to the stairs, so they see it everytime they come home. Steve’s on the right, James in the middle and Bucky on the left. They’re all dressed in lion onesies and Bucky and James are both snarling at the camera while Steve can’t stop laughing at how crazy they look.</p><p>It’s Bucky’s favourite too.</p><p>Steve’s looking at it right now as he tries to get his damn boots on.</p><p>They’re going for a walk and to visit Aggie, because her niece is visiting with her kid who’s just about Jaime’s age. It should be fun. Steve loves Aggie, having finally been allowed to meet her around eight months ago, and James is so sociable, as proven at the playgroup she now attends, so it’s nice to have another kid for her to meet and play with. She’s going to have another friend soon too, because Pepper is due any day now, and they’ll be going to visit her and Tony soon after. Bucky’s already bought a ton of cute baby presents.</p><p>Bucky’s also already ready with James, waiting for Steve outside, both bundled up in their winter clothes because it’s still cold out. Apparently their clothes and shoes are much more cooperative than Steve’s boots.</p><p>“Stevieeee, c’mon!” Bucky calls back in a singsong voice into the house from the front path.</p><p>Steve glances over to the open door to see Bucky’s got Jaime sitting on his shoulders, her little hands gripping his head, his wrapped round her legs to steady her, and they’re waiting for him, Jaime giggling in joy as Bucky talks to her. She’s wearing her new purple coat and Bucky’s got a matching wool hat on.</p><p>“Daaaadddy!” she calls over too, copying her papa, a giant smile on her face, as Steve struggles with the laces on his boots.</p><p>“I’m coming!” he grins over at them with excitement, as he picks himself up from the floor, finally getting his boots done up.</p><p>He grabs his keys and heads out, saying a quick goodbye to Alpine where she’s lounging on the couch, before locking up behind him.</p><p>Then he runs to join his family.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't even know what to say on this one. I hope you liked the end! This was a joy to write and has provided me with a ton of wonderful distraction over these last few months. I know far more baby info than I ever needed to, having to actually do research for a fic 😁</p><p>Thank you a million for your support in reading, kudosing and commenting on this. The world is still so awful, sometimes your comments are the only thing I look forward to, so I really want you to know how much it means when you comment and how it keeps me writing. Extra thanks to those who gave me baby advice and those who commented on every chapter without fail, don't think I don't notice you and adore you all 😍</p><p>I'm not sure what's next. I have a couple of WIPs that I hope to finish and I do like the idea of potentially revisiting this world with one shots of their life in the future, so I might not be done with these guys yet. However, also super concerned that Falcon and the Winter Solider will ruin Bucky, so we'll see how that goes. Of course, they tried to ruin Steve in Endgame and that didn't stop me writing 🤷</p><p>Anyways, blabbling. I'm gonna go feel all sad without this now 😭 Thank you all ❤️ (Oh and if you enjoyed and want to rec me on tumblr or wherever, that would make my day) 💗</p>
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